That the thing with addiction we hurt so many people I'm so lucky I could support my habit fuck knows how I would have got my gear if not. But you still lucky your mom supports you I hear so many stories about how people have burnt all their bridges and how long it took them after getting clean to win trust back. I do not count my clean time but it's defo a year now I know it around June July my last relapse. I find it easier without counting because after six week clean mark I used to convince myself I can reward myself with a day of using but never ends up being just one day. I still crave every now and again but the longer you go the less intense the cravings. I have come too far now to feel as good as I do to fuck it up. I know I could still fuck up have to always be aware of that. But getting off the gear hurt so bad and took so long to get to this point I'm terrified of having to do that all again. Me and you are very similar with how we abuse and relapse from gear the only difference I never iv it so lucky with that. But that is why I know you will get there eventually . Have you ever thought about going back into study . You are very smart can tell that how old are you bruv
I'm really lucky that I still have my family - sounds like you are too! And yeah, it never is just one day. One day leads to two, which leads to a week, and there's always consequences, and I always feel awful when I have to stop again. A whole year though!! I gotta hand it to you man. It was your thread that inspired me to start my own, and you were back and forth for so long, but it seems like you've really cracked it this time. I keep getting a place sorted for uni and then cancelling it after relapsing. I'm 27, but still feel 19!
glad you're back on the wagon rio. well done for phoning someone, and actually taking their advice. i'm terrible at both things. would you consider trying to get back into rehab? given the circumstances i'm glad you're not back in work yet, probably best from public safety perspective. what happened in cinemas in the states? loads of people being wankers or new outbreaks?
i haven't pressed the fuckit button. what you said about valium really hit me. i've been starting to basically plan to try and get hold of some benzos and totally glossing over the risk. i just wanna not feel the way i'm feeling. i'm on my own in my house for the first time in a long time. today was the first time i went shopping coming back to an empty house and there was a load of people waitng to score on my way to lidl and it nearly killed me. i felt pins and needles and dizzy in the shop just anxious about what to do, hoping they'd have been served by the time i was on my way back. they had been thank fuck. was sort of hating myself about the prospect of failing the first time i left the house on my own.
started to feel a bit better when i got home, then had a meeting and my boss was an arsehole and now i feel fucking low again.
I'm usually awful at phoning people as well, had to force myself to do it today because I know there's a virtual meeting tomorrow and I didn't want to go in
again and say that I STILL haven't reached out to anyone. It was surprisingly helpful!
At the Odeons in America coronavirus was confirmed in multiple different cinemas, which had to close, which had the ripple effect of delaying the release date for the new films that were meant to come out, so considering all that they've decided to delay the re-opening, even though legally I think they could right now if they wanted to. All for the best I suppose.
And yeah, benzos turned out to be an awful idea for me, but then again they've only ever been good for me to get rid of comedowns. I don't know what I expected from them on their own when I'm trying to get sober. The moment I could feel the valium working I was dying for a speedball, and immediately started planning how to get one. If you're close to saying "fuck it" already then benzos may just push you over the edge!! I'd really recommend you try and get through this without them. How long have you been clean now?? And good job for not giving in!! It seems like you have met & resisted so much temptation already. You're really doing amazing chinup.
I've noticed the only thing that gives me a hint of excitement or joy is if I start thinking about relapse. Everything other than that just seems tedious and dull and monotonous and depressing to contemplate. However, I am reminding myself that this is just part of the process, and if I stick it out I know the reasons to keep sticking it out will make themselves apparent.
