Sigh!
Hello, I just want to write this down as it causes me a lot of discomfort and even angst. I have very dark and sick sexuality. 95% of the time I see a beautiful woman I fantasize about raping her at least, but often also about taking total control by torture and murder. I am very warm-hearted and unselfish, altruistic person and would centainly never act out and commit any kind of sexual or violent crime towads women. All this is completely against my morals and everything I believe in, and as so causes a lot of anxiety and discomfort.
I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and obsessive thoughts began at age of 3 and they dealed with murder and extreme violence. Those thoughts have since sexualized, at very early age. I started to get sexual excitation out of very violent thoughts (and also by pulling legs off insects :-D) and in teenage years they were very controlling and caused me to miss any kind of (healthy or otherwise) relationships with women except for shorter periods of time in Internet and meeting couple of them few times when drunk. In early teenage years, I abandoned my Christian faith, which had earlier been a definite barrier for even considering anything like that in real life. During that time time I felt very strong urges to act out (due to hormones, maybe) and even searched for volunteering suicidal 'victims' in chat rooms. Luckily I never found anyone not to chicken out somewhere along the way.
Now I'm over 30 yo and luckily over the more compulsive phase of this, but still I feel this discomforting sexual lust for abusing and killing females. It really kind of pisses me off, because I can never fulfill that 'need' and thus I am left with just suffering it out which may take sometimes unpleasantly long stretches of time. Also this is something I really can't speak about to anyone. I really suffer from this. I'd like to have just normal relationships with women, also sexually, and yes, I am able of that - I just had a three-year long relationship with a girl of my age. But we rarely had sex, and she really didn't know me too well.
If there is anyone with similar thoughts and problematics, I'd be glad to hear about it! And everybode else too, any thoughts?
Thanks and sorry for all the fish.
Hello, I just want to write this down as it causes me a lot of discomfort and even angst. I have very dark and sick sexuality. 95% of the time I see a beautiful woman I fantasize about raping her at least, but often also about taking total control by torture and murder. I am very warm-hearted and unselfish, altruistic person and would centainly never act out and commit any kind of sexual or violent crime towads women. All this is completely against my morals and everything I believe in, and as so causes a lot of anxiety and discomfort.
I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and obsessive thoughts began at age of 3 and they dealed with murder and extreme violence. Those thoughts have since sexualized, at very early age. I started to get sexual excitation out of very violent thoughts (and also by pulling legs off insects :-D) and in teenage years they were very controlling and caused me to miss any kind of (healthy or otherwise) relationships with women except for shorter periods of time in Internet and meeting couple of them few times when drunk. In early teenage years, I abandoned my Christian faith, which had earlier been a definite barrier for even considering anything like that in real life. During that time time I felt very strong urges to act out (due to hormones, maybe) and even searched for volunteering suicidal 'victims' in chat rooms. Luckily I never found anyone not to chicken out somewhere along the way.
Now I'm over 30 yo and luckily over the more compulsive phase of this, but still I feel this discomforting sexual lust for abusing and killing females. It really kind of pisses me off, because I can never fulfill that 'need' and thus I am left with just suffering it out which may take sometimes unpleasantly long stretches of time. Also this is something I really can't speak about to anyone. I really suffer from this. I'd like to have just normal relationships with women, also sexually, and yes, I am able of that - I just had a three-year long relationship with a girl of my age. But we rarely had sex, and she really didn't know me too well.
If there is anyone with similar thoughts and problematics, I'd be glad to hear about it! And everybode else too, any thoughts?
Thanks and sorry for all the fish.
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