Exhausted Any ex needle users got advice?

[jhjhsdi]

Does that thought ever leave your mind?
All I can think about 24/7 is injecting. That rush.
Seeing the blood coming into the barrel.
Watching that plunger go down.

Any time I see a vein pop up all I can think about is wow I bet I could get a beautiful hit into that bad boy right now.
Also the vein envy, looking at other people's veins and again thinking - wow I wish that was my vein.
I've tried so hard to stop.

Some days all I want to do is do it, over and over and over again.
I hate myself after every time I do it. By only when I run out. Hate looking at the tracks, bruises, having to hide marks.
It's ruining everything. Friends, family, relationships.

Just want to know if there is any ex users whose brain eventually got cleared of these thoughts, or do they stay forever?

By the way I'm not physically addicted to the drug I inject, it's ketamine, I've sniffed it for 15+ years but only injected for a couple years, IM first but now mainly IV. I don't have many veins left. 1 in my arm. 1 in each hand, which I think will probably be gone after the other days session, they look horrendous right now and so so sore.
The other day I went in my neck, twice, for the first time. I said I'd never go there.
I hate this.

 

[jackie jones]

I have not put a needle in my arm in 2.5 years. I am not perfect with my sobriety, but I am regarding my former needle use.

The thoughts have by and far relinquished, or should I say been replaced by images of the horror that my life had become. The losses are permanent and are something that haunts me on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder why I do not do it anymore and all I can say for certain is that it frightens me.

 

[LadyAlkaline]

It gets better. I had an absolute obsession with the needle. There were days I would shoot water just to be able to go through my ritual. It has been 5 years and sometimes I still think about it or play around with feeling my veins. The intense infatuation will subside.

How long has it been? My best advice is to keep yourself busy, and spend time taking care of yourself

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Yeah I had the obsession too, I'd wash filters out for like the third time and shoot that just to go through the ritual.

With an extended period of time away from the it faded completely though. I've relapsed a lot over the last four months but not slipped back in to daily needle use even though I have used them a bit. The fixation hasn't come back at all I have been lucky.

 

[JessFR]

When you use a needle for a drug, the brain seems to combine the two together as one desired behavior.

Fortunately my own needle fixation has been fairly mild compared to some people I've known, but yes, I've experienced it to a degree too, and yes I've found in time it does tend to go away.

Maybe not completely, it hasn't for me, but it does get a lot easier.

 

[nznity]

Does that thought ever leave your mind?
All I can think about 24/7 is injecting. That rush.
Seeing the blood coming into the barrel.
Watching that plunger go down.

Any time I see a vein pop up all I can think about is wow I bet I could get a beautiful hit into that bad boy right now.
Also the vein envy, looking at other people's veins and again thinking - wow I wish that was my vein.
I've tried so hard to stop.

Some days all I want to do is do it, over and over and over again.
I hate myself after every time I do it. By only when I run out. Hate looking at the tracks, bruises, having to hide marks.
It's ruining everything. Friends, family, relationships.

Just want to know if there is any ex users whose brain eventually got cleared of these thoughts, or do they stay forever?

By the way I'm not physically addicted to the drug I inject, it's ketamine, I've sniffed it for 15+ years but only injected for a couple years, IM first but now mainly IV. I don't have many veins left. 1 in my arm. 1 in each hand, which I think will probably be gone after the other days session, they look horrendous right now and so so sore.
The other day I went in my neck, twice, for the first time. I said I'd never go there.
I hate this.

it seems like you got a needle fixation, oh well man what can i tell you. I used to be like that when i was addicted to speedballs and IV coke around 5 years ago. It took 3 stints in rehab and a lot of bad stuff that happened to me. i ruined myself financially, lost my gf, lost my job, fucked yp the relationship with my family, had 3 seizures injecting coke, i have some health issues with my heart now, etc. It's been a hell of a road but now i'm more controlled. I would tell you that with time the thought of it goes away but u have a long time doing drugs. Don't wait till u hit rock bottom like i did man. U have to overcome that shit before u start having serious problems. Think about it, everutime u make an incision in ur skin is like killing urself a lil bit. It's slow suiicide, u needa grow up and think that what ur doing is jut wrong. Life is so much more than sticking a fucking needle into ur arm. Having a girlfriend/boyfriend thatu love, having money in the bank, buying urself stuff, life is beautiful man. Think about it, set urself free from that shit. If u have some personal problems or an underlying mental illness go to therapy and talk about it. Hope this helps a lil bit, just my 2 cents from a 10year old morphine IV addiction. Good Luck

 

[nznity]

When you use a needle for a drug, the brain seems to combine the two together as one desired behavior.

Fortunately my own needle fixation has been fairly mild compared to some people I've known, but yes, I've experienced it to a degree too, and yes I've found in time it does tend to go away.

Maybe not completely, it hasn't for me, but it does get a lot easier.

exactly Jess, the needle fixation goes away. At least for me it has gone away too, well not completely either XD but it0s more manageable.

 

[jhjhsdi]

Thanks for the responses peeps

 

[Misskitt]

Never completely.

 

[Lizabeth]

Does that thought ever leave your mind?
All I can think about 24/7 is injecting. That rush.
Seeing the blood coming into the barrel.
Watching that plunger go down.

Any time I see a vein pop up all I can think about is wow I bet I could get a beautiful hit into that bad boy right now.
Also the vein envy, looking at other people's veins and again thinking - wow I wish that was my vein.
I've tried so hard to stop.

Some days all I want to do is do it, over and over and over again.
I hate myself after every time I do it. By only when I run out. Hate looking at the tracks, bruises, having to hide marks.
It's ruining everything. Friends, family, relationships.

Just want to know if there is any ex users whose brain eventually got cleared of these thoughts, or do they stay forever?

By the way I'm not physically addicted to the drug I inject, it's ketamine, I've sniffed it for 15+ years but only injected for a couple years, IM first but now mainly IV. I don't have many veins left. 1 in my arm. 1 in each hand, which I think will probably be gone after the other days session, they look horrendous right now and so so sore.
The other day I went in my neck, twice, for the first time. I said I'd never go there.
I hate this.

It absolutely does go away with time. I was very heavily addicted to IV meth in my early twenties. It took everything from me. It almost took my life even after contracting s terrible staph infection from not practicing clean technique, and I still kept using. But by the grace of God I was able to break free from it long enough to stay sober with out so much as thought of it for over 7 years.

Actually, thinking about it scared me more than anything. The beginning was the hardest, because like you, I was romancing and fantasizing about the needle. Not a healthy thing to do. Some of that cannot be helped because your subconscious pokes and prods at you about it when you first get clean. I had dreams about it constantly, but I wouldn’t call them good dreams. More of a disturbing craving then anything.

After about 1 month I remember my cravings and thoughts of the needle started to slowly dissipate. In part you have control over these thoughts. When you start thinking about it and craving it, you often only let the tape play through in your memory to a certain point without letting it play to the detrimental end results of how it really effects you. The parts you hate, the negative effects afterwards or what it’s done to your body and life. I learned to either put an immediate halt to those thoughts once I started thinking about it. I would FORCE myself to not let them play through in my head by changing my train of thought. Or, I would let the tape play ALL THE WAY through in my mind, past the point of injection to the come down, and negative effects that took toll on me.

After about 3 months clean they started to fade completely. Those 7 years sober were the best years of my life. Like a moron I relapsed several months ago when I was drinking. I don’t even like doing it anymore honestly, and thankfully the needle doesn’t have quite the grasp on me that it used to. But once you’ve injected there’s really no point in doing it any other way. I could quit right now and never look back, but I just haven’t wanted to face certain things in my life yet. Besides, 7 years later and older. The needle is causing a multitude of pretty alarming health issues it never did when I was young. It’s not fun anymore and it doesn’t even feel good. My veins are constantly bulging and inflamed, and they feel like hard cords from the damage in just 3 months, feeling like their gonna pop. Just waking up this morning and my hands and feet feel swollen with pressure from irritation in my veins. I’m exhausted and look like absolute shit. And it’s given me heart problems in just a matter of months. Scary stuff, and it eventually does happen to ever user. I used to say, will you choose life or meth? In your case a different drug of choice. Just food for thought coming from a relapsed addict. God bless you. It’s more than possible. You’ve just gotta want it bad enough.

 

[PtahTek]

Just want to know if there is any ex users whose brain eventually got cleared of these thoughts, or do they stay forever?

Yes; but still get a rush if I focus ar day-dream about it. Otherwise my mind just doesn't "think" about it. Only times it ever crosses my mind now is when reading it here at BL.

I was very heavily addicted to IV meth in my early twenties.

Same here: From ~15-16 (BI62s) to my early 20s (coke and meth mix 50/50). I have in fact IV-ed a few time since then but the draw isn't there... it is just like time-travel to me and usually brings back some "bad" memories but sometimes some of the best of times.

Also the vein envy,

MFs look at my veins and will actually say shit like "if i shot dope i would love to have your veins", "damn, wish i had your veins" or the like. I usually respond along the lines of "well if a junkie did have my veins he would just fuck em up and they would't be there, eh?". lol I have blown out a couple veins, had the abscesses, bruises and the lot but they seem to get heal in time or either the blood is just forced to find a different route and makes it appear that all is well. IDK but whatever is going on it is welcome and glad to be out of that habit... which is what I believe it to be.
Nice read folk.
Easy and safe, no?
Ptah

 

[Joey]

I haven't been a full on IV user for 2-3 years, but I still notice things like when someone has "good" veins I'll feel a twinge of jealousy. It's totally fucked, but it's the truth. I do still, very occasionally, resort to IV. So I''m not the best example of an "ex needle user".

 

[jhjhsdi]

Thanks peeps. I'm trying my hardest not to do it and only sniff. I did have a pretty good/bad IV 48hour pin party a few days ago tho lol
Threw the rest of them away as was struggling to find veins after 24hr ish as the last few useable were swollen from taking hits and just resorting to IM - and may aswel just sniff if that's the case, save myself from blacking out lol and tbh actually get more of a rush from sniffing than IM altho have to use a little more.
I even ended up using soda water for my first hit as purchased it accidentally thinking it was stil water. Sat in a bush in the park in broad daylight ffs. The things this shit makes u do is insane.
Thanks again....

 

[deficiT]

I had that same obsession for a good long time, eventually it got easier and less painful the further away I got from doing it. I have had a handful of short relapses over the past few years, and still use regularly, but anytime I inject I regret it pretty quick. It's just never worth all the damage that comes with it for me.

And PS: not too much advice in my post other than try and switch your ROA and give it time. But definitely wanted to add that I empathize and if it's gotten as bad as you've said in this thread, you def need to give yourself a break the body can only handle so much abuse. Have been in similar situations and it's fucking rough. Feel free to reach out anytime and I hope you'll make the changes. Because that obsession does go away for many, you just have to stop.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sat in a bush in the park in broad daylight ffs.

You are not the first person to find themselves doing this. I once stopped halfway walking down a road at midday and sat on someone's step and shot up coke while I was on a bender.

I'm glad you posted about needle fetish. It's a fairly unexplored area of addiction and I believe contributes to lots of relapses. Even when I've been clean for long periods (like years) seeing the depiction of a needle or even just thinking about one would elevate my heartrate and give me butterflies of anticipation in the stomach. I don't know how many years it takes but I can tell you 12 is not enough to forget.

 

[JessFR]

You are not the first person to find themselves doing this. I once stopped halfway walking down a road at midday and sat on someone's step and shot up coke while I was on a bender.

Yep, I've done something very similar to this too. A few times.

Sometimes you're just so sick, you're simply not willing to wait. You know you can make it stop now, and that's all you seem to care about in the moment.

It does indeed make you do insane shit.

 

[jhjhsdi]

At least now when I feel like it I can come read this thread and hear that it does eventually go away or some horror stories and maybe sometimes that will be enough to stop myself.

Had an attempt at a small shot earlier from a wash (didn't realise my spoon had anything left on) and couldn't even hit a vein/was in a rush so got annoyed and just squirted it in my mouth, didn't feel hardly anything but the ritual was satisfied.

Anyone reading this who has never tried it, seriously, don't do it lol.

Thanks to everyone who took time to reply

 

[deficiT]

Reach out anytime you are definitely not alone. There are plenty more worse horror stories riddled through the forum as well. Getting yourself through this would be a great example for others and I hope you the best.

 

[jhjhsdi]

Today I had planned to inject. I'd had a big bag of fresh needles sat here for days. 1mls, 2.5mls, orange heads, swabs, filters, lighters, my 2 spoons, empty sin bin, the works.

I had some drinks and was walking to the shop to get more booze as I was having no luck scoring and I took the bag with me and disposed of it in a bin.

I'm drunk now and going to bed. I'm glad I didn't end up scoring, because I probably would have walked back to that bin drunk to retrieve the bag of pins. Shits real like that.

I know I know, I should have taken it all to a needle exchange but no where was open and I just didn't want them on my person/at my house. None of them had been used, they were all unopened and capped, and the sin bin was empty. I think the main reason you have to take them back is because of the biological side right? I feel kinda bad for dumping in a public bin but I feel good I haven't got them around me

 

[deficiT]

@jhjhsdi it's ok, you did the right thing. Proud of you homie! That is big progress.