Addiction For people on sobriety...

[nznity]

Hi,
I'm having a hard Time staying clean. I wanted to ask u guys if even after years sober, do you guys still Romanticise the idea of doing dope or coke, slamming drugs,etc.
It's a fking horrendous obsession i have, whst do y guys think?

 

[Jabberwocky]

i thought that recovery would be like that, just wanting to use all the time and not be able to. i never thought there would be a time when i honestly wasn't attracted to the idea of getting fucked up. but here i am, today i don't feel like using heroin, crack, anything really. it comes and goes. i had 6 months of honestly feeling so good i thought i'd never use again, then 6 months of hellishness. for the first 3 months of that i didn't wanna score. for the second 3 months i did. so even when times are shit, its 50/50 whether i wanna use or not i guess.

good luck man. it gets easier, but its really fucking hard to make it to the point where its easier.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

There have been times when I was completely free of cravings, not just the odd day here or there but months at a time of barely even thinking about it. If I do crave now then it's always for crack or benzos, not opiates. Don't know why that is. I'm back in early recovery but actually at the moment I'm lucky and feel basically like I did after not using for years, but in December last year I was relapsing lots and was bothered by them all day every day.

As has been mentioned, they can come and go in cycles. If you're in early recovery then it's normal for cravings to be regular/constant and very deep, that DOES change over time. Whilst they may never leave you completely, if you can stay clean for an extended period then it's normal for them to fade and become relatively insignificant on a day to day basis i.e. you should be able to go about your life without having your consciousness dominated by craving.

To some extent it will depend on the action you put in as well. If you work hard to create a full and structured life with some purpose then there's a much better chance of you not being bothered by them than if you just continue to drift around in chaos.

 

[tracedwards313]

If you want to stay clean long term and you have to replace your drug lifestyle with something entirely different.

If you quit the drugs but keep doing the same shit, you'll be high again in no time.

Early recovery is a bitch no matter what though.

 

[nznity]

If you want to stay clean long term and you have to replace your drug lifestyle with something entirely different.

If you quit the drugs but keep doing the same shit, you'll be high again in no time.

Early recovery is a bitch no matter what though.

Word man, with this corona lockdown Is even harder, i keep smoking crack AND Score morphine IV every once in a while but I'm hanging in there...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The obsession for me shifted to another obsession.

"Brain wants what brain wants" is the ... simplest way I can explain desire and reward based obsession sensations.

I can't say what my mind obsesses about is any better.

There are medications to help alleviate obsession thought processes like SSRI's. They CAN work for some people with OCD. Have you thought about / ever tried these medications? I realize they carry a LOT of side effects for many people and are not a cure-all.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Word man, with this corona lockdown Is even harder, i keep smoking crack AND Score morphine IV every once in a while but I'm hanging in there...

Oh man, I'm not trying to underscore your problems but that sounds heavenly.

I live in a mega-city with high covid-19 infections, lockdown, can't get good drugs, half the time the grocery stores are fucking empty as shit... like motherfucking Cuba or some bullshit.

It sounds like you must have decent food/water access. Be thankful for the small things and take care of yourself.

With that said I'm not saying "don't use"... I would probably buckle under the stress. I had to move to this side of the nation to get away from heroin use. So ... I can't say I wouldn't be doing what you are (minus crack, I don't like cocaine/crack at all)... but yeah. Go figure.

Try to love yourself. Make friends. Talk to people with your 6 feet of personal space. Work on art. Are you feeling lonely, is that triggering you? I can relate to that.

 

[nznity]

Oh man, I'm not trying to underscore your problems but that sounds heavenly.

I live in a mega-city with high covid-19 infections, lockdown, can't get good drugs, half the time the grocery stores are fucking empty as shit... like motherfucking Cuba or some bullshit.

It sounds like you must have decent food/water access. Be thankful for the small things and take care of yourself.

With that said I'm not saying "don't use"... I would probably buckle under the stress. I had to move to this side of the nation to get away from heroin use. So ... I can't say I wouldn't be doing what you are (minus crack, I don't like cocaine/crack at all)... but yeah. Go figure.

Try to love yourself. Make friends. Talk to people with your 6 feet of personal space. Work on art. Are you feeling lonely, is that triggering you? I can relate to that.

Yeah man, i do sometimes take for granted the basic things in life. I've never ever in my life havent had a plate of food to eat or like u said Water, a place to sleep, internet , tv., Etc. It's just that drugs have literally worsen what i think Is a mental illness that i already had developed. With my 10+year polysubstance abuse of ecstasy, opiates, cocaine, some antipsychs, LSD AND other shit i can't remember ATM. I dont feel normal even if i have long stints of sobriety, it's really tough man. Ahhhweell, whst u said Is right aswell, i do feel lonely, that's y i like morphine so much, it erases my thoughts and makes me feel this artificial love. Oh well, at least I'm not smoking crack 4grams errday AND Banging 100mg of med morphine ampoules everyday for months on END like 90%of2019. I'm kinda Sober ATM, I've Been clean for a month with only 2 slip ups. Eventually I'll get there, ithink.
Ty for the reply.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I've never ever in my life havent had a plate of food to eat or like u said Water, a place to sleep, internet , tv., Etc.

I laughed out loud because that's just so awesome.

I have gone without... um... all of those before. Not all at once I think. But life is rough for a lot of us in different ways.

I am not 100% sober, I am drinking beer and smoking weed/dabbing weed extracts aka "shatter". So yeah. Go me.

It's not a race it's a process and you're wanting to get clean that's the first huge step for many people, whether or not they ever get clean... so you're half way there already.

Try to find something ELSE to do when you would NORMALLY use. That is a HUGE thing. You have to fill "the void" so to speak. I don't like the "SOMETHING'S MISSING"... emo emptiness model but it makes sense because there is a literal void in learned behavior of "what one would otherwise do..."

 

[nznity]

I laughed out loud because that's just so awesome.

I have gone without... um... all of those before. Not all at once I think. But life is rough for a lot of us in different ways.

I am not 100% sober, I am drinking beer and smoking weed/dabbing weed extracts aka "shatter". So yeah. Go me.

It's not a race it's a process and you're wanting to get clean that's the first huge step for many people, whether or not they ever get clean... so you're half way there already.

Try to find something ELSE to do when you would NORMALLY use. That is a HUGE thing. You have to fill "the void" so to speak. I don't like the "SOMETHING'S MISSING"... emo emptiness model but it makes sense because there is a literal void in learned behavior of "what one would otherwise do..."

Ty for the encouraging words, ID hug if i could man. Tytyty so much

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Ty for the encouraging words, ID hug if i could man. Tytyty so much

yeah no problem

gotta embrace the self love it'll guide you far

and other people will love you for it

it's hard for me most days as I'm normally the antithesis of self-loving but I do embrace it in hard times to get me through rough shit as needed...

I still haven't used bupe/heroin for like ... seven going on eight years now so I'm proud of myself for that. It's my only accomplishment, other than being on just alcohol/pot during lockdown (FUN)

I doubt I could get clean from anything (like cannabis, alcohol) right now I'm quite miserable in the post-covid world, really fucked up the life I had going and I'm sure that is devastating/traumatic to many of us. Hoping you are physically well and safe. There will be better days to come for all of us I'm sure.

 

[G_Chem]

It gets better man I can tell you that. I remember when I first quit I’d fantasize constantly about sticking a needle in my arm.

I actually went years and years without thinking about it all much but the past few years life circumstances have made me depressed. Nowadays I fantasize once again but it’s fucked up, when I think about stabbing a needle into my arm these days it’s almost in a violent fashion like more to self harm than to get high.. I think of plunging that needle full speed into my arm, not that I would in real life but ya...


To be honest I don’t think it ever fully goes away, but it does get manageable.

Right now I’m fiending hard, my mind is wrapped up in the old days. I’ve got a pack of fresh needles and a decent amount of what is essentially high purity heroin not but feet from me. If I wanted to be so faded I could hardly walk for weeks on end I could... I could wake up months from now after this Covid BS washes over.

Why do I not? Because life in the end is better this way. The pain sucks, but when it’s good, fuck me is it good.

-GC

 

[TJ5]

I have almost 7 years clean and the thought occurs to me every so often. This COVID business made me think about just taking a bunch of painkillers and basically sleeping until this crap is over with. That's how I felt, but then I remembered if I did that then I would have one hell of a mother freaken habit to deal with again. No thanks. As much as life can suck at times, being a slave to my old habit would suck more. I don't wake up dope sick anymore. I care about other things beside having to get and use dope. There are people that I text and care about now. I get sad sometimes thinking how much it sucks that I can't just go and see anyone, but at the same time getting through this will make me stronger. I keep a strong connection with God to keep my sanity and I also make sure to text my friends. I haven't done it yet, but online zoom or skype NA meetings can help some people. I have found pleasure in life without drugs. Even when life sucks, it does get different.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I remember when I first quit I’d fantasize constantly about sticking a needle in my arm.

I actually went years and years without thinking about it all much but the past few years life circumstances have made me depressed.

To be honest I don’t think it ever fully goes away, but it does get manageable.

^^ This. I quit drugs fairly easily each time I get into them. The actual substance that is, and I don't ever really crave that once it's out of my system. But if I ever think of a needle I get racing heart, sweats and really compulsive feelings for registering and rushing. If I'd never IV'd I'd have been done with drugs completely after regular experimentation decades ago. I can't watch movies or TV that show IV use without getting totall freaked out - even after years clean.

 

[nznity]

^^ This. I quit drugs fairly easily each time I get into them. The actual substance that is, and I don't ever really crave that once it's out of my system. But if I ever think of a needle I get racing heart, sweats and really compulsive feelings for registering and rushing. If I'd never IV'd I'd have been done with drugs completely after regular experimentation decades ago. I can't watch movies or TV that show IV use without getting totall freaked out - even after years clean.

I use to fantasize a Lot just looking at my veins when i was in rehab like 5 years ago. To me Is not really the needle fixation that fucks me, it's More about the anxiety that i feel living life Sober again... i have some PTSD aswell i think from all the trouble i hsve Now stacked up from neglecting myself for years on END ( financial, health, relationship, family problems). Just thinking about all that shit makes me anxious as fuck. I need More Time clean aswell, I've Been Banging 100mg pure morphine almost daily AND I'm just 1 month clean. One day at a Time i think...

 

[billkankers]

I'm not clean atm. But when I was completely sober, I did found myself romanticizing coke, pick it up and the high not living up to expectation. Somehow sobriety was a preferable state of mind to both the actual high and the comedown. So back at it.
Same with romanticizing H but I relapsed eventually, after a few months of responsible use. But now I'm on weaker opiates.

 

[JessFR]

Bit of an old thread but ima reply anyway.

I've been on methadone over 3 and a half years.
I was off heroin entirely for the first 2, then relapsed and have used a few times but have been off it a little while again now.

God do I ever reminisce about it.

Sometimes I try and remember just how much I suffered and lost from my heroin habit, cause I feel like my addiction keeps trying to make me forget all the horrible shit, and remind me of all the good times I had.

And there were good times. Lots of good times. But man, the price was high.

Addiction does this. It causes you to forget the bad and remember the good. It's hard even on methadone, I can't imagine doing it clean.

Tremendous respect for anyone with any amount of true clean time. I truly don't think I could do it.

In the last year of my active heroin habit, I was a homeless beggar as well as occasionally doing much worse shit to fund my habit (mainly stealing or prostituting). There's a lot of time to kill begging so what I used to do is write in a journal. My thoughts, feelings, observations.

I read them sometimes to remind myself what what life was REALLY like then. Cause the way I tend to remember it as time passes feels increasingly romanticized and I feel like I need to remind myself sometimes that far from sometimes being horrible, it was horrible almost all day every day with occasional good times.

Addiction lies to you.