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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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chinup said:
well i scored last night and it went as well as it possibly could have done in terms of not fucking up my recovery. i got legit gear and it didn't make me feel good. at the start i felt super relaxed which was nice, but no euphoria. i ended up smoking it all way faster than i should have in desperation to feel better. all it did was put me to sleep for 24 hours. glad i didn't have work today but pissed i wasted a day. it'll stop me romanticising heroin to a large extent.

i don't understand why i didn't get that beautiful warmness. after 18 months clean it should take you back to the old days.
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What I should be saying now is to learn a lesson from this and try and crystallize the memory of heroin being disappointing and unfulfilling for future relapses, but I have to ask - why are you so sure it was legit gear if you didn't get any euphoria? H that's sedating/relaxing but "cold", lacking in the warmth/euphoria is usually a giant red flag indicative of fentanyl or its analogues.

Anyway, as you said - it's probably for the best that you didn't really enjoy it, since now hopefully you'll be less tempted to do it again. What I've found helpful after relapsing is to try and take myself back to immediately prior - the thoughts & feelings that I was experiencing immediately prior to picking up, and then trying to imagine what I could have done/thought to stop myself were I in that situation again. Since your relapse was pretty premeditated it should be relatively simple to identify where you stepped wrong so that next time you can go down a different path. How are you feeling now?? I HATE the feeling that I get the day after using, it's always felt really gross to me and it usually takes me a few days to bounce back. Do you feel back to normal now, more or less??
 
Yes, next time you CAN take a different path !

Once you control your mind
you can conquer your body.

Don't miss out on getting better
because it could also be difficult.

It's about being able to stand ulp
and move forward !! <3
 
^^^ I will have what he's having ! jk <3

I, myself, am trying to make mental health
a priority BUT MY BACK HURTS SO BAD!

gawd its so stiff. What am I supposed to take,
motrin, naproxin !?! can barely walk.

I know yoga will help. aright. ☺

i can't f'goodness sake move though,
even if I want to.
I had a , a really horrible nightmare last night, no this morning, I remember exactly when.

I am stretching my muscles back into place now.
At least I am back in my bed again with the heater on. 😁

I can stop the pain sometime, but now my wrist hurts really bad. I am really depressed because I do want the meteor to land right on top of me. Is that proper english, probably not, but this is.
I do love this world. ☺.
FS7Y3Mr.jpg
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I hope you're doing well my health is not doing too great right now
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I am so glad that you are here in health and recovery.
I wish for you to be better and to stay fine because you are and will be again.
Please get through this because there is a special light shining over you. You are very loved and thank you for being there for all of those who needed you to be.
Thank you for all of your compassion. Thanks for looking over us too.
It was much appreciated, from the heart. <3
 
^^In the best ever scroll.

The choicest or most essential or most vital part of some idea or experience.
Familiarity information: HEART AND SOUL used in it is very rare.

Thank you for your strengths and empathy as well.
 
Uh, yes my brain feels like it is injured.

I was doing so good at recovering too until I went through some serious trauma. Again.

Its the last time. Won't live through another. Fact.
 
Hylight said:
Uh, yes my brain feels like it is injured.

I was doing so good at recovering too until I went through some serious trauma. Again.

Its the last time. Won't live through another. Fact.
Click to expand...

Whats your situation, Hylight? You post some real gems of wisdom & insight and seem really supportive & kind - what's going on for you? What's your life like right now??
 
Try to give yourself a structure to keep yourself busy, make changes to your routine and hopefully this will distract from the cravings or divert your attention down a different path.

I can usually notice a relapse cycle starting well before I even get cravings for a drug (certainly I can after the fact) and whether I use or not really depends on my reaction (or lack of it) to that.

Try not to be angry with yourself for craving, it's normal and as of right now you haven't used so you still have the power to make a choice.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
What I should be saying now is to learn a lesson from this and try and crystallize the memory of heroin being disappointing and unfulfilling for future relapses, but I have to ask - why are you so sure it was legit gear if you didn't get any euphoria? H that's sedating/relaxing but "cold", lacking in the warmth/euphoria is usually a giant red flag indicative of fentanyl or its analogues.
Click to expand...

i think it was legit cos of the taste and way it ran. like there was no horrid extra taste of any sort, and none of that shit where you can literally see the cut separate as it melts. but when you put it like that, yeah something may well have been off. the only time i've had something i felt sure had fent in i already had a tolerance and it knocked me straight out but i was back up again in like half an hour, whereas this knocked me out for a whole day.

i was reflecting after i'd scored, i knew fine well i had a choice not to use and was about to play russian roulette with the possibility of losing that choice. the idea of heroin ruling my life again didn't feel so scary cos it already was, even though i wasn't using. i just felt like i'd tried everything else for well over a month and none of it had worked. my session at the buddhist centre just making me feel worse on tuesday left me feeling completely hopeless cos those usually make me feel so much better.

its put into perspective what using actually is. i didn't just lose a day, i lost my whole weekend really. i'd planned to do a lot round the house on my day off and get my sisters birthday present. i've done barely anything. i still feel physically crap, like almost like tail end of a rattle. i just did not realise how much gear takes it out of you. on friday morning i looked like i'd been punched in the face, like swollen and red. i'm exhausted.

i will say though, by last thursday, my entire back was hurting. from the top of my neck right down to my bum. i'd had to leave work on monday cos the neck tension was spreading into my head, it was intolerable. i was just getting worse and worse and my quality of life was being affected badly by inceasingly bad pain. on top of that my left hip was hurting when i put any weight on it. my back feels completely better now, hip still hurts. i honestly think the muscle relaxant effect helped me a lot.

my brain is starting to niggle that maybe i should try again. but not do it 'wrong' this time. only get 1 bag and be patient. but if i was capable of moderating my use in any way i probably wouldn't have ended up in rehab.

mentally i feel in a bit of a better place but i'll find out when i go to work. i'm hoping we go into lockdown so i can work from home.

sorry for the essay guys.

i hope everyone has had a good weekend and is still fighting the good fight.
 
chinup said:
i hope everyone has had a good weekend and is still fighting the good fight.
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I am at a point in my life where I know I've won the fight on heroin/bupe. I literally would probably volunteer for suicide before using that poison, toxic drug class again.

I'm not well physically but mentally I'm "rebalancing" and trying to be aight.
 
chinup said:
i think it was legit cos of the taste and way it ran. like there was no horrid extra taste of any sort, and none of that shit where you can literally see the cut separate as it melts. but when you put it like that, yeah something may well have been off. the only time i've had something i felt sure had fent in i already had a tolerance and it knocked me straight out but i was back up again in like half an hour, whereas this knocked me out for a whole day.

i was reflecting after i'd scored, i knew fine well i had a choice not to use and was about to play russian roulette with the possibility of losing that choice. the idea of heroin ruling my life again didn't feel so scary cos it already was, even though i wasn't using. i just felt like i'd tried everything else for well over a month and none of it had worked. my session at the buddhist centre just making me feel worse on tuesday left me feeling completely hopeless cos those usually make me feel so much better.

its put into perspective what using actually is. i didn't just lose a day, i lost my whole weekend really. i'd planned to do a lot round the house on my day off and get my sisters birthday present. i've done barely anything. i still feel physically crap, like almost like tail end of a rattle. i just did not realise how much gear takes it out of you. on friday morning i looked like i'd been punched in the face, like swollen and red. i'm exhausted.

i will say though, by last thursday, my entire back was hurting. from the top of my neck right down to my bum. i'd had to leave work on monday cos the neck tension was spreading into my head, it was intolerable. i was just getting worse and worse and my quality of life was being affected badly by inceasingly bad pain. on top of that my left hip was hurting when i put any weight on it. my back feels completely better now, hip still hurts. i honestly think the muscle relaxant effect helped me a lot.

my brain is starting to niggle that maybe i should try again. but not do it 'wrong' this time. only get 1 bag and be patient. but if i was capable of moderating my use in any way i probably wouldn't have ended up in rehab.

mentally i feel in a bit of a better place but i'll find out when i go to work. i'm hoping we go into lockdown so i can work from home.

sorry for the essay guys.

i hope everyone has had a good weekend and is still fighting the good fight.
Click to expand...

I'm glad you're feeling a little better now, emotionally.

I'm glad that you're aware of the tricks & logical hoops that your mind is going to start to conjure up. You can probably expect that to continue for a while - I often struggle with this deluded fantasy of relapsing and then somehow magically developing the ability to control it, structure it, and make it work in my favor rather than taking over my life, but it's literally insane when I consider it objectively. I've had 7 years of my life where it's been proven time & time & time again that I cannot use recreationally, yet before 90% of my relapses I tell myself that I will conquer & control it, and if I give in to that thought I can easily make myself believe it. It's crazy the shit we can delude ourselves into believing when we have the reward of getting high to motivate us to fall for our own bullshit.

I don't know how it's worked for you in the past when you've relapsed, but for me if I lapsed and used for one day and then stopped I had a pretty good chance of going on another extended run of sobriety, but if I were to give in a second time it was game over and I fully reverted back into junkie mode and the moment where I could have pumped the brakes had passed. You have retained some of your logical and rational perspective now, but I worry that if you lapse again you will lose that completely and just be in the "fuck it" mindset, and then you'll have to go out using again daily until desperation drives you back to sobriety, and who wants to have to go through that?? You can skip all of it if you just tell yourself that you aren't going to give in again and stay clean until the cravings pass.

I also wanted to point out something that I immediately recognized because it's something I struggle with a lot myself - the fallacy that after X amount of time, since we aren't feeling better recovery is therefore hopeless. A month feels like such a long time when we get sober and to still be feeling shitty at the end of that month sucks, and it's very easy to fall into the trap of assuming that's just how our lives are going to be from that point onwards, that that depressed, grey, monotonous life is just the one we have to put up with, that that is what sobriety feels like & that we won't improve anymore, but it's ridiculous and untrue. They say that PAWs lasts on average 6 months and in some cases can last up to 2 years but that within that time our brains will be healing constantly - it may feel just like we've gone one step forward then 3 steps back, which makes the whole process seem pointless, but the truth is that we are still recovering and that after a month we still have a long, long way to go, so please don't believe that how you feel after a month is your new normal because it's far from it.
 
i am going to ride my bike
AGAIN.
no matter how bad it hurts.

i don't care about living
if i have to worry about dying.

so if i am not worried
about dying so i can
care about living.

i want to enjoy my life
and my bike.
 
3 months sober.

Hitting the stash once i get to 6.

Hitting the stash nice and gently, opposite of how i usually fuck with things.

I don't want to go balls deep and miss work. Or OD. Or deplete my resources prematurely.

This isn't necessarily recovery, but i'm proud that i can do it if i so choose.

I like how this looks like a big hill.

Love ya hylight.
 
whats up Sober living?? I hope you feel better @Captain.Heroin. I also have to prioritize health over the occasional drink because even periodic drink episodes wear me out. I see a lot has happened since I last posted here. @chinup don't get down on yourself. If you can break the enchantment heroin held on you by using this experience it will have been a net positive in your life. Beware though because I have found my first use after a long abstinence to always be lack luster and I have actually had some dysphoric experiences but that first use has always opened the door and the lack luster experience often becomes a chip in the self bargaining process and illusion of control when another negative mood swing hits and cravings return.

Glad we have so many people in sober living atm..... I am still chugging along. I have had a lot of underlying anxiety for no particular reason lately. Things are going good on the outside though. Still enjoying my job and have a nice amount of cash stacked back for the pending shut down and loss of patrons at my job.

I actually met this amazing girl and have had several, long, electric conversations with her. I can already tell from the eyes and the subtle behaviors that something is definitely happening despite my intentions to not let it happen. I have never had conversation flow so easily and have so many moments where we both just meet eyes with that profound realization that our minds are on the exact same wave length. She is very beautiful with an exotic face. She is a mix of Portuguese, African American, Irish and German, which has given her the striking feature of dark skin and iridescent hazel green eyes.... with all those great things the situation is complicated as she is just coming out of a 1yr relationship that was very tumultuous and is living with my friend, who lives two houses down. He had a thing for her and she friend zoned him, which was a source of antagonism between the two for a brief period. I am openly stating my intent of working on myself and between that and everything else that stands between the idea of us being a good idea: it has led to some very awkward moments of flirting and each of us trying to end conversations and walk away but finding reasons to continue our exploration of each other. Its as if we are both trying to fight an attraction that is growing organically by the day despite all the reasons that it would be a bad idea...

Oh well.... Not over thinking it. I feel a lot more secure in myself than I did in my last recovery attempts and I'm not trying to get hung up on somebody that is going to flake on me or have a negative impact on my sobriety. I am proceeding with extreme caution and I truly enjoy her friendship. If something is to happen it will develop organically with time. I never even text or call her but she always shows up at my house and I would like to keep it that way because first of all I don't want my friend to think I pursued her and second I want to make her commit to the idea before I do because I always pass the threshold first only to find that the girls feelings are unrequited, mixed due to complications or on the wane and I wind up getting hurt, so it would have to be something that was real before I could allow myself to be vulnerable in the least. I love myself too much and my overall health is just way too important to me today to compromise my self growth for someone else.

I hope everyone is doing well.... This weekend is my birthday and I ordered a little phenibut.... My niece just arrived and wants to get on my computer so adios.
 
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not healthy (YET)
definitely not recovered.

in allot of pain.

out of dabs.

in that order.

so, started taking pain medication AGAIN.
(opioid)

this time however MUCH LESS doses than before.
still on a taper for about two years now.
even low doses are PAINFUL to taper from
with the PAIN and ALL KIND of mixed symptoms.

today one of the most difficult is the whole body cramp with the stabbing ice pick pain in the left chest feels like around and in the heart and is slowly being relieved from my low dose of pain medication.
in between the doses it is just not wanting to be alive again from not even being able to function in this world again or even understand reality of whatever this all is supposed to be of course, from not even being able to feel good or pain free for whatever this life is for.

was able to take my dogs on a long walk yesterday so that we could feel happy and be part of the world again.
this was because i needed to take pain medication to be able to function through the last couple days at work.
i am however able to get through with the minimum amount of doses as possible. have been able to go without any opioid at all for around four months at a time some of the time.
and randomly here and there once in a while.

but i only have one thing to live for and that is to take care of my new puppy Budi that i adopted in August last year.
The other two dogs aren't really mine but i do take care of them too allot of times.
i am sure Budi girl would survive without me but while i am still alive we are TOGETHER forever.
😭
Been through so much but Budi is so sweet.
She is my gift to this lifetime.
It's okay, sometimes i still get tears like i am right now. I didn't think i still have the strength to cry but sometimes i can just a little.
Budi keeps me warm enough to appreciate what is left of happiness.

thank you world some day
if this pain can and ever
will be able to even go away.

I LOVE YOU BUDI 🐶
I do and I am in love
with you for your loving
me back too. <3

thanks caps sometimes i think you
are god talking to me in some weird way through ya.
the pain DOES HURT so very bad just like the
never-ending ice pick pain right through my heart.
Budi is just a puppy but am sure we will live out our time and maybe be able to leave together someday. I will be right with you baby girl and leave when you do too. Don't leave without me Buds. 💔
 
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