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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷
- Thread starter Captain.Heroin
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Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
thanks hylight. i don't feel like i'm making a good effort or doing well so its nice to hear that some people feel like i am. i hope you're doing well today.
Hylight
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2019
- Messages
- 9,532
It may not be
Easy
but it will be
WORTH IT.
Yesterday is thet,
tomorrow is the future,
but today is a gift.
Call it, the Present !
One day at a time !
You are doing less than your past.
KEEP UP WITH IT
AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE.
Doing Better ALL THE TIME !
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I had made over a week clean (down from almost gram a day IV) and was starting to feel really fine and on top of it all until I get a triggery and seductive text last night from the one dealer whose number I had accidentally neglected to block. I spent hours fighting myself, sedating myself, exercising myself but once that worm had burrowed into my brain the well constructed mental dam holding back my cravings collapsed and I went to visit her. Fortunately the gear was shit and with my meds I barely felt it.
I was astounded that such a tiny thing could derail me so completely. However, I don't count days and just worry about my overall trajectory which I am happy to report is still driven by a desire for recovery. I spent some of my high time going through my address book to confirm all people with the potential to negatively influencing my sobriety were blocked and/or deleted. Hopefully no more triggery texts. Onwards and upwards.
I was astounded that such a tiny thing could derail me so completely. However, I don't count days and just worry about my overall trajectory which I am happy to report is still driven by a desire for recovery. I spent some of my high time going through my address book to confirm all people with the potential to negatively influencing my sobriety were blocked and/or deleted. Hopefully no more triggery texts. Onwards and upwards.
Hylight
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2019
- Messages
- 9,532
i couldnt find your post to reply.I am sorry to hear you are hurting so bad Captain.
Take care my friend.
thank you for your help.
i didn't realize that i was tapering
to fast.
it really is much healthier than
going through a cluster of headaches.
you are very tuned in. thanks,
it is not easy.
Painful One
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2017
- Messages
- 4,215
I am glad it helped you.
I kept reading your posts and thought you were torturing yourself.
It is hard to tell sometimes without someone else to observe you when one is doing it too fast.
I hope you are feeling better now.
do it slow and easy my friend.
Tapering slowly is not too bad.
It is not easy.
But, you can do it.
Those cluster headaches cause brain damage every time you have one.
It is best to do anything one has to do to avoid those.
I found out they cause permanent injury.
I hope you are not having those.
Try some aromatherapy, meditation, exercise.
Take it easy.
Be Well.
Hylight
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2019
- Messages
- 9,532
Thank you again. You are very focused and intensely helpful too.I am glad it helped you.
I kept reading your posts and thought you were torturing yourself.
It is hard to tell sometimes without someone else to observe you when one is doing it too fast.
I hope you are feeling better now.
do it slow and easy my friend.
Tapering slowly is not too bad.
It is not easy.
But, you can do it.
Those cluster headaches cause brain damage every time you have one.
It is best to do anything one has to do to avoid those.
I found out they cause permanent injury.
I hope you are not having those.
Try some aromatherapy, meditation, exercise.
Take it easy.
Be Well.
❤
I can't express enough how much that helped me
to figure out what to do. That was a good observation that helped so much.
It was that little nudge that is helping me through
figuring out this incapacitating suffering that gets very ambiguous.
No, seriously thank you your advice helped me breath a little easier AGAIN.
I appreciate it. I hope you are hanging in there staying well.
I am glad you are here and helped also.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I love you guys.
I am in a severe depression. I am thinking I may or may not live through this year, season, month, week or day.
Take care of yourselves, be good to each other, love yourselves and stay safe.
I am in a severe depression. I am thinking I may or may not live through this year, season, month, week or day.
Take care of yourselves, be good to each other, love yourselves and stay safe.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I thought I had come a long way but there is just deeper sadness I keep experiencing as I've progressed through some things. Not fun.
Not dealing with it well. Still not using heroin/opiates ever again, death will see me first I am sure.
Planning on what to do so that I can begin to cope with this.
Not dealing with it well. Still not using heroin/opiates ever again, death will see me first I am sure.
Planning on what to do so that I can begin to cope with this.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I really think I might actually stop torturing myself and justI score tonight. I've tried not to for so long and nothing has worked I'm just getting worse and now imI'm in physical agony too.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I know you're suffering, and I really hope you feel better soon, but it's actually encouraging to see how quickly you went from saying that you may not live through the day to actively planning how you're going to cope with your situation. If that isn't positive growth right there and a marked change from addict behavior then I don't know what is. Is your issue caused by something you have any control over or is it something you can't do anything about?? The fact that you've been abstinent from opiates for all this time despite all you've gone (and are going) through continues to inspire me, CH. I hope you find some serenity again soon.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
PAWs will keep getting worse before it gets better! I know it doesn't feel that way, but it really will. How long have you been sober for?? Unless you've been sober for at least 6 months you can't judge yet whether nothing is going to work. I've been where you are, honestly - I know what its like to stay sober, resist for so long and yet still feel like the world is caving in around you and wondering what the fucking point of it all is, but I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please stay strong. Is there anyone you can call or talk to to help you through this?? What's causing your physical pain??
You're stronger than the addict inside of you, chinup. You deserve to be free from pain and drug-free, and if you break now I can promise you that you will regret it!
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Thanks. I had and then underwent another loss of someone extremely close to me. They are dead and there's no bringing them back.
I am afraid I can't "survive this" because of what I do in lieu of self-medicating as I should be. I go off the "deep end", etc. and no one likes me when I'm not balanced. I don't even like it. I am legitimately afraid that if I keep going "at the rate I am", that I might get 2, 5, 10 years more tops, 20 if I'm lucky.
I also do not have free will so I didn't "quit", drugs "quit" me. Or, rather, if you must believe in free will, I HAD THE FREE WILL TO LEAVE where I knew where to get heroin. That doesn't mean it won't re-present itself any day now, and it doesn't mean I'll have the strength to say no.
I am very VERY adamant about never doing it again, and have turned down free heroin, walked by dealers on the corner without any desire to buy/use. I have. But how do I know I got clean? Like that I was the one that did it? It's more likely anyone just "would have quit" or "had to quit" in a similar enough circumstance.
I can't do anything to bring someone back to life, so no I can't do anything. I may "avoid the severe emotions" and try to accept MORE than I already have (HARD), but that's about it. Reality won't leave my mind.
I had a few friends who reached out to me when hearing the news. It meant the world to me because it's times like this you really find out who your real friends are.
I namely fear death by misadventure or suicide moreso than an accidental drug overdose because of the depths of how I'm feeling. I've thought about getting away for a while, hanging with people who can help out. I didn't want to be alone at first. Now I feel like it's all I can do...
NO judgments here, I hope no matter what happens that your pain recedes soon. Stay safe
Ds
Bluelight Crew
some guy suckered punched me today because i told him that we don't serve breakfast to the public. called the cops, all that good shit, had to fill out a work place injury form.
shits starting to get real =O
shits starting to get real =O
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Thanks. I had and then underwent another loss of someone extremely close to me. They are dead and there's no bringing them back.
I am afraid I can't "survive this" because of what I do in lieu of self-medicating as I should be. I go off the "deep end", etc. and no one likes me when I'm not balanced. I don't even like it. I am legitimately afraid that if I keep going "at the rate I am", that I might get 2, 5, 10 years more tops, 20 if I'm lucky.
I also do not have free will so I didn't "quit", drugs "quit" me. Or, rather, if you must believe in free will, I HAD THE FREE WILL TO LEAVE where I knew where to get heroin. That doesn't mean it won't re-present itself any day now, and it doesn't mean I'll have the strength to say no.
I am very VERY adamant about never doing it again, and have turned down free heroin, walked by dealers on the corner without any desire to buy/use. I have. But how do I know I got clean? Like that I was the one that did it? It's more likely anyone just "would have quit" or "had to quit" in a similar enough circumstance.
I can't do anything to bring someone back to life, so no I can't do anything. I may "avoid the severe emotions" and try to accept MORE than I already have (HARD), but that's about it. Reality won't leave my mind.
I had a few friends who reached out to me when hearing the news. It meant the world to me because it's times like this you really find out who your real friends are.
I namely fear death by misadventure or suicide moreso than an accidental drug overdose because of the depths of how I'm feeling. I've thought about getting away for a while, hanging with people who can help out. I didn't want to be alone at first. Now I feel like it's all I can do...
NO judgments here, I hope no matter what happens that your pain recedes soon. Stay safe
I understand what you mean about free will, but when we do something difficult when it would have been far easier and more immediately enjoyable to do what's comfortable and easy then it's difficult to not identify with the action you took. It may be an illusion, but that fact doesn't really change our lived experience unless we take that fact and use it as you are doing to discredit your positive achievements. Why do you invoke the illusory nature of free will when referencing something positive you've done but have no such justification when you're being self-critical and disparaging yourself?? From the outside it doesn't look as if your stance on free will is a metaphysical position that you've come to and consistently apply to your life in general, but instead something that you're using to disallow yourself from feeling any pride in yourself, and it doesn't seem healthy to me.
At least you have some friends reaching out to you. I hope you remember you have a lot of people on this board that care about you as well and don't want to see you in a bad place. You won't believe this, but you are a strong person, and you have to be a resilient person to endure what you have and still be here to tell the tale. I'd say people like you are far stronger and more admirable than people who have breezed through life without any significant obstacles to overcome or challenges to meet, and they'd likely crumble if they had a taste of what you're going through at the moment. I really hope you feel better soon.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Thank you Rio. You're an amazing person and I would reach out and shake your hand through the computer. Or in corona virus days an elbow bump.
You raise a VERY logical point like... you might be a really good philosopher. No one has EVER challenged my view on determinism IN THIS WAY, with LOGIC to the point where I am actually THINKING very deeply about what might be the answer. I try to remain humble and I do tend to take life-centered problems out on myself as if I have the power to make things better yet I don't even believe I can! Weird. Perhaps knowing hard determinism is a reality is SUCH A DOWNER that sometimes I have to like delude myself into thinking I have free will so I don't panic and break down during bad parts of life.
That might be it. I don't know. I might be wrong; I've been wrong a lot about things.
Oh but trust me I do feel PRIDE in some things like... yeah just not... everything or whatever. Don't want to get too graphic or personal or anything.
I got four hours of sleep for the first time in two days; woke up *SO TIRED*. I would have only gone to sleep with the help of a friend comforting me through the grief and when I woke up within ~ 20 minutes of being alone again the memories of grief hit me and I had to start grieving.
I wasn't "putting off the grieving process" but I knew I have to do it in small parts. I can't rush through it or it'll warp my mind a bit. So I get really sad, cry, and then let it go and move on to return to it later to make sure it's not too much. I did break down and cry quite a bit this morning.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
well i scored last night and it went as well as it possibly could have done in terms of not fucking up my recovery. i got legit gear and it didn't make me feel good. at the start i felt super relaxed which was nice, but no euphoria. i ended up smoking it all way faster than i should have in desperation to feel better. all it did was put me to sleep for 24 hours. glad i didn't have work today but pissed i wasted a day. it'll stop me romanticising heroin to a large extent.
i don't understand why i didn't get that beautiful warmness. after 18 months clean it should take you back to the old days.
i don't understand why i didn't get that beautiful warmness. after 18 months clean it should take you back to the old days.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Thanks CH! Portioning out your grieving sounds like a good compromise and is probably better than blocking it out or letting it completely overwhelm you. As you probably know, there's nothing for it but time and space to let yourself mentally heal, whilst ensuring you aren't doing anything that will actively make your situation worse. Sounds like you're doing everything right.
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