Venting Didn't wanna come back for this, but whatever

[Painful One]

Well, these were just some suggestions. The “give em hell child” thing was just my sense of humor. Lol! I don’t want you to give up on trying. Keep fighting whatever this is and try to find a solution you can live with.

Talking things out like this is good. It may give you more perspective. Others have given some good advice and ideas. Plus, we support you and encourage you my friend. There is an answer. Be comforted.

Hopefully the psychiatrist can pinpoint a diagnosis for you and some options. Give it a try.

I still stand behind the meditation. Yes, it takes effort and time to master but it is worth both the effort and time to master this skill.
You can actually repair damage in your body and mind when you get good at it.
I understand completely what you are saying about how hard it would be to try and quiet your mind but it can be done.
Start out with a mantra. A mantra can be any sentence or saying you like and just keep thinking it over and over while you fall asleep every night. Your brain cannot go off on other thoughts while it Is occupied.
For example you could keep thinking “you can do anything, anything you want to.” Over and over again.
Start with that. I think you will be surprised how much even that will help quiet your mind down.

I would recommend some background sounds of the ocean or rain. Something soothing.
Nature heals. Get out in nature too.

Who cares if you are not up to date on music. I love Rock music from the 80’s and beyond! Lol!
listen to what you enjoy. Find those few songs in between that make you feel good and make yourself a playlist.
Don’t give up on music.

Let us know how it goes. I am pulling for you!!

 

[Blowmonkey]

Lol I did get the humour, not everything I write is all serious either. I'm not intending to give anyone hell, but it will probably happen regardless, not as much as I'm putting myself through though. I wrote all that down day before yesterday, read it again and wanted to pm you, then realized I couldn't, but didn't want to edit or post more either, I feel like I have enough exposure already. I don't want to keep bumping my topic, yes it does put things into perspective somewhat, but it still feels whiny af. I just don't wanna lie, terrible at it. I do want to try it, because I know it can be incredibly beneficial, but I also know it will frustrate me as well, I know I'll want to give up when I don't see results immediately. Sigh, I hate this part of me, yeah I'm an empath, or hsp, I feel the pain you're going through, to some extent anyways. You get why I said I feel like a pussy and an asshole right? I try to avoid having to deal with it, it's why I never hung out much in tds in all my years on bl, it's how I go through daily life now. Try to ignore your emotions and don't let them control you, it's why people sometimes can assume I'm cold or emotionless, when I'm far from it, I simply have too much of them, ignoring and avoiding have been a defense mechanism, crying is so close to laughter, I always try to stick with the latter instead. But yeah, every post in here makes me tear up, I feel like I don't even deserve the support, other people need it way harder. Thanks for explaining despite me being difficult anyways, I was kinda hoping you'd do that. I'm not intentionally manipulative, honestly, lol.

Is it normal to see and think of different things when you repeat a mantra? Because my mind just keeps working. I still see scenery, still can think of multiple things at once, odd. No I'm absolutely not schizophrenic, the voice in my head is my own, but it's a tangential slur of neverending thoughts popping up. If there ever was such a thing as a mind palace, mine would be incredibly chaotic, I have shit hoarded in every room, always searching and always finding irrelevant stuff. So far my first attempt was a failure, did make me laugh though, I don't even remember the mantra I was using.

Maybe I should've waited for today, I suddenly decided I was gonna trip again yesterday after I dunno, 8 years? Took a low dose dxm, bout 250 mg, drank some alcohol with it. It wasn't enough to make me quit smoking, it did start smelling disgusting already, but the cravings were too big. Why I was so anxious to try it again, no idea, it was great. I kinda feel rejuvenated, if only a little, smoking less too. Need to have anti-histamines on standby next time though, second time ever I started itching on dxm, incredibly annoying. Oh I went out in nature btw, stepped in dogshit, amazing how it got on top of my shoe. Done with nature. All the nature I'm dealing with from now on is extermination, damn spidermites.

 

[Painful One]

I put you on my follow list. You should be able to pm me now, if you want to.
Hell child ! Lol!

Yes it is normal to see scenery and stuff still while repeating a mantra. It does keep your mind occupied pretty good though.
Keep doing it for awhile. Every night while you try to fall asleep. It is Fine if thoughts or images come up, you don’t need to follow them.
Just keep repeating your mantra. It will start to discipline and to quiet your mind so you can start gaining control.
Soon, you will be able to start clearing out your mind.
You say you have shit hoarded in every room of your mind. Well, it is time to clean house.

When you notice thoughts come up, decide if you want or need to keep those thoughts and if you don’t (most of them you don’t, you need to clean house) then imagine you physically picking up that thought or memory and throwing it out of your mind. Every time it comes up, imagine you physically taking hold of It and throwing it out! Pretty soon, that thought starts coming up less and less until one day, you no longer have those thoughts come up at all. Be vigilant about it. I’m telling you this stuff works.

It has taken me years to become a master in meditation but it has been SO worth the effort! I can instantly take my mind to a place of calm and serenity even during major pain and anxiety. It is priceless.

Don‘t give up on this one! You have to deal with your thoughts while trying to fall asleep anyway.

I know what you mean about hating being so sensitive and feeling other people’s pain. For a very long time, I hated it and I looked at it as a major weakness.
It really is a strength. We are all very connected and it should be this way for everyone. It means you have not lost your divine connection!
It is just about setting some boundaries because others are drawn to your sensitivity. They come to you for help.
You know this, it is why you have tried to shut it down and just remain indifferent. emotionless. Heheh. I tried that one too.
Didn‘t work. The world needs people like us!

I am sorry that you felt my pain. Don’t worry, I’m tough. This is just life. A test. It is short. This won’t last forever. I am managing my situation.
But, thank you for caring that much. Hugs.

Your subject is just as important as anyone else’s. I am glad you posted here. You are not too far gone or in deeper with harder drugs...yet. I do not want to see that happen. Let’s keep that from happening. You are loved and needed and important. You are worthy of love and help. Let others help you right now.

 

[Blowmonkey]

I put you on my follow list. You should be able to pm me now, if you want to.
Hell child ! Lol!

Lmao, aptly put, guess I had that coming. I'm still getting the hang of the new bl, had no idea that was even possible. I'm not good with change, I feel like we need some customized skins that make bl look like any period you want to. I miss that all white dull grey with the blue purple logo from 15 years ago. Or what if you're really oldschool and need that green back in your life? Nostalgia, when the internet was still interesting, when life was, lol.

I'm dreading tomorrow. Tried not smoking for 5 hours today, made me angry. Have to endure this with some guy yapping at me, I'm not sure if I can. Don't feel like doing anything, appear to be out of the major depressive episode, back to my regular dysthymic self. Oh existential nihilism, how I embrace you, fuck off world.

I'll stop blogposting now. Thanks everyone. I might bump this sometime soon, might not, probably not.

 

[Blowmonkey]

Nope. Fuck this. They asked me not to smoke. I did. I haven't slept, I am extremely pissed. First thing he asks is how I'm doing, I tell him I'm pissed, he asks why, imagine my surprise. And here I thought I was dealing with a rehab facility. I said I'm pissed off at myself, at that girl this is all about, because I'm withdrawing, because the doctor sent me, because I want to go through the psychiatry route first. But according to him that's not the right way, according to him I'm confused, according to him, I was literally dying in front of his eyes.

I walked out. Confused my ass, I'm well aware of my situation, moreso than this asshat will ever have the pleasure of knowing. If there's anyone who was dying there, it was him if I had stayed any longer.

I am smoking a fat joint right now and am gonna check myself into the fucking nuthouse. I am so incredibly done with everything.

THE JERKSTORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF YOU. That's what I should've said, shit.

I mean dying, REALLY? What a great motivational speech, how did this guy ever become a counselor? I'm not even attempting another facility again, I have more chance at quitting on my own than I will ever have there. I'm so angry, I knew this was going to happen. These are not the people I want to have around me, I'm not even sure if I want to have anyone around me at this point. Solitary confinement sounds like a treat after this, lock me up.

 

[Trevylianos]

Learn how to meditate.
meditation has been the number one thing that helps me.

No way could I deal with the 12 step thing either.

You are very, very sensitive. Empath. You have trouble even looking someone in the eye. You know it is the window to the soul.
Just like I have always been too. But you know what I have found? Sensitivity is a STRENGTH and a gift! One you can use to your advantage if you learn to use it correctly. Meditation will teach you. You have this knowledge inside, you just have to quiet your mind enough to let yourself teach you. You can do anything you want to.

I would be happy to instruct you if you want to give it a try. Or just start trying before you fall asleep at night.

I don't see the 12 step thing as something I will choose to deal with ever again but I am not saying it is worthless.

Right now I feel worthless and would view someone with years clean working the 12 steps as superior in character to me.

Yet something about it just sits wrong with me in terms of getting over addiction.

 

[Painful One]

I sent you a P.M.

Sorry to hear your appointment frustrated you so badly.
Don’t let it bother you.
It does not seem like there is much help out there.

I have found all the things that help me myself for the most part.
except for some medications from a pain specialist.

Just keep on keeping on my friend.

 

[Blowmonkey]

I'm my own pain specialist. Let me just give you a hug then take a big sigh and then sigh.

Right I'm so done with the more hysterical part of this story. I still feel embarrassed for ever being like this, but I simply cannot help myself, I'm sad. That's what cuckolding and friendzoning does to you if you're already fucked in the head, I'll save that for the psychiatrist for now, which I've been put on a waiting list for. I went for a referral a couple days after I posted the above, but they forgot? had to come back the next day, lol, I'll just show them the topic here when I finally get there in maybe a month, absolutely done with talking about this for now, been dwelling on it for over 4 monhts already or something, maybe even 20 years.

And that's probably where I'll leave it agt for a long time, it's not doing any good throwing anyone under this selfish af bus, I don't even know who is reading with me, some friends know my online persona, family, whatever. haven't heard a fucking thing from them even though they were all having these grandiose idea's for getting me back on track, lol, I told them I lost all my contacts with my new phone, but I guess everyone was too drunk and or coked out of their minds to notice, or just too aware of me being suicidal and trying to fuck off from the situation. Good, I wasn't worth shit anwyas being so depressed, still can't force myself to do stuff, but because ow hurts pain.

I feel good (or bad i haven't decided, maybe just disinhibited, stick with that) enough to just open up about the physical pain I mentioned that was playing a big part in why I broke down so hard. Was doing so much better for a coulpe of weeks, but I've been in shits for 2 or 3 days again now, I don't even know, it might be 4 days but it blends together when you sleep intermittently. Yes I am on some soma's, guess some phenibut too, hey this works when you smoke some weed, kinda. Maybe if you put a couple of nsaids like acetaminophens and diclofenacs in the mix, maybe sgtart sipping a little alcohol or gabapentin, yes, it works. No it absolutely fucking doesn't.

What is it? I don't know. Somatoform disorder, fibromyalgia, gibve it a name, they're pretty much the same. It hurts like hell and doctors are like lol, DIFFICULT, don't give me that look uncle leo. It's simply all attention seeking behaviour right? I dunno some real old staff might remember I fucked off for a few weeks and went to the hospital for my head, I still feel this. It's just "there" when I'm feeling good but when I'm really depressed everything starts hurting like poop. It's not even my head that's bothering me the most, these last 9 years I've been fucking myself over in the greatest way possible.

Been so depressed on and off about my life and going from shit into shit that it makes you depressed. Oh literally. I tore or pulled a neck muscle 9 years ago, nearly coinciding with the tinnitus. Fine right? just get a script of harcdore diclofenac for a couple of weeks and you're good. No i can still feel the place I pulled my neck in sometimes, so you can bet your ass it was torn (in my mind), ever so sligtly maybe, but yes I'm a giant pussy. Oh and now I have this fucking imbruglia song stuck in my head, thanks.

This made me sleep ni a shit position to take the pressure of off my neck, just pile up the pillows and be done with it. YEARS. Pressure of off my neck and on to the rest of my body, imagine what this does to you, what is a girlde, ma'am. So I have always been skinny, bordering on anorexia sometimes, just underweight, you know, like your average mental patient on a lot of meth. When you don't eat well on and off for years on end, smoke too much, your bones probably become a little osteoporotic anyways, free phosphorous discplaces calcium, your bones soften, uhh. So I dented in. The ribs and shoulder hurt the most, especially the ribs, I just keep fucking up my ribs again right now, last couple years it was my shoulder. RIbs can't ever be fixed either, sot here's that. Weird how depression leads to actual depression right, oh the irony, lmao. I mean only I seem to notice it, but the moment you tell someone they start focusing on it as much as I do, yeah anorexia and body dysmorphia, that's shit right? that's where it borders on, or most certainly is the latter. That neatly fits into the whole feeling inadequate aspect and ocd/avoidance persoanlity disorders and whatnot, you can actually ignore it if you look and feel good about yourself, but the moment you don't your fucking world falls apart. Fuck narcissism and vanity and myself.

But it hurts like shit. Not only to know that I've done this to myself, but that it actually hurts like shit. I started to feel so much better physically these last weeks compared to the last couple months, thought I could perhaps sleep on my right side again, just because it's comfy af, you don't have to hear and feel your heart beating, you're ont on your back, because sleeping like that sucks, but that's the only thing I have left now though, I can never sleep on my right side again, maybe (someone say no, that's bullshit). And all these painkillers don't work, not one bit, well probably a bit more than a bit. I lost my train of thought? I am prett numb lol. I was just done with it, I thought noo not again, I was so over this pain. Just needed to take some heavier shit to deal with this for a couple days. Just weed & soma's didn't seem to do anything the day before, so I piled it up today. Yes very low dosages, just all together, yes my spelling absolutely sucks, I don't care, you care, this usually happens to some degree anyways because my keybaord on this laptop is all demolished and I've been reading and writing and distracting myself with stuff for a couple hours already, almost done, not going back trying to fix everything anymore, sleepy. I'm not dying. Thaaaanks, I'm fine. I just needed to vent again, it helps apparently when you're spiraling out of control, lol. Feels good catching yourself slipping. Honestly it's none of that, can't someone find some quick relief for a little while?

Maybe I'll not show my psychiatrist this topic now. Have you ever tried taking a crap while you were in excruciating pain where you can't find any position to comfartably poop in and have constipation from the muscle relaxants, lol. PUSH. is this what childbirth is like? guess I could've used the clamps. Forget shitting when even sitting sucks, working out is impossible, actually what lead to me fucking up my ribs (and noticing them pulling on my back too because I've lost all form) again, tried working out, eating healthy, noticed I couldn't, completely broke down on top of the emotional breakdown I already had. ok I'm done I think, see where I am with this in a couple weeks. Usually it last a little longer with contused bones, but I'm optimistic when I'm so high,

What a fucking mess. Good addendum though? It completes the sadness. Aging like a fine wine in the sun, all vinegarry and rancid. I think I'm drinking some of that right now. Pissing myself laughing.

And then i woke up with all my shit on the ground, forgot to have posted this stuff 10 hours ago, I'm going to bed,.

 

[Painful One]