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Recovery August recovery thread

cj

cj

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
9,861
Location
Twin cities made of ashes
A half day early but close enough.

I'm feeling empty recently. I'm working full time. It's going really well I think. My coworkers don't seem to hate me. So that should feel good right? I should feel accomplished? I dont. My living situation sucks. I fucking hate my live on house manager. He is just.... I don't even know how to explain it. Annoying in short. He's been in recovery for over a year but he works a part time job. Makes noise all fucking night like playing the drums at 1130pm. All my roommates are like that. No one really works very much. They just seem content to live off mom and dad in a sober house forever. Shits crazy to me. Then he is all up in my business. Walking in my room without knocking. Then he straight invited himself to lunch with me yesterday. Like bad invited himself. Just weird stuff like that.

I have like 1200 dollars saved up. I found a room a could rent for 700 but I would have to be out October 1st. That doesn't give me much time to save enough for an apartment and find one wIlling to rent to me. Some other stressful stuff eating at me. Just stuff I can't do on my own like I need a Minnesota ID but my mom is dragging her feet sending my birth certificate. I lost the physical copy of my drivers license so I'm worried getting a new one here is going to take an act of congress. Just stressful shit like that.

I'm going to get loaded on gabapentin tomorrow. Just try to forget things. Life is just so unnecessarily complicated.
 
Try to get out as soon as humanly possible honey. Here if you'd like to talk. Hang in there, you really are the best cj and I am so proud of you.

your friend,
Ash.
 
cj said:
No one really works very much. They just seem content to live off mom and dad in a sober house forever. Shits crazy to me.
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That's because they all have trust funds, were spoiled since day 1, silver spoon. They're never going to work and will likely relapse because they will never replace a cycle of addiction with anything better in their lives.

YOU ARE - don't give up hope on that. Even if you don't feel good about it NOW that doesn't matter. It probably takes working a year before you feel "good about it". Mostly so you can save up money, start buying yourself nice things, and what not. Like I know I hated resuming real life responsibilities no matter what they were at first, but after a while I felt better about it.

Like honestly I know it probably drives you crazy seeing how they are but feel thankful you're NOT like that. It's a bitter-sweet slice of humble pie but it's quite delicious at least it is to me. Like it sucked but I have to remind myself I'm thankful I'm not going to die of alcoholism like my best friend did. I'm thankful I'm not that over-enabled and I have some worker ethic and can pull myself out of shit. The other side (the Phoenicians) will never feel any guilt or remorse for the resources wasted, the time wasted, the lack of productivity or lack of making something of themselves. It's something you'll have to accept and just know you're like 10x better than they are in every way possible and eventually someone will see that about you and love you for it. You'll get better friends. You'll probably slowly form friendships with coworkers. You might even find out that you're liked more at work or by other people than you might think.

Just keep being yourself man I know you can do it :)

Correction: The Phoenicians do feel remorse, sometimes, perhaps on their death bed. My best friend apologized for his behavior to his mother on his death bed as he died (you know the story). That's not where I want to end up; a life wasted and the words "forgive me" spoken or sprawled out on a piece of paper somewhere. That whole thing still fucks with my mind a lot but I am seriously thankful I have a chance at life, like a good life and not just being a parasite.

I've always thought the world of you CJ. You always seem like the kind of guy who goes above and beyond the call of duty. You're really smart and that's not something I would just say without meaning. Don't give up on where you are with your job and recovery yet - from my perspective you're doing an amazing job. :)
 
cj said:
I have like 1200 dollars saved up. I found a room a could rent for 700 but I would have to be out October 1st. That doesn't give me much time to save enough for an apartment and find one wIlling to rent to me. Some other stressful stuff eating at me. Just stuff I can't do on my own like I need a Minnesota ID but my mom is dragging her feet sending my birth certificate. I lost the physical copy of my drivers license so I'm worried getting a new one here is going to take an act of congress. Just stressful shit like that.

I'm going to get loaded on gabapentin tomorrow. Just try to forget things. Life is just so unnecessarily complicated.
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Dude you're definitely going the right way, for sure, don't worry! 1200 is a large amount for such a small duration of time worked/saving (a lot of people can't save they immediately spend it all or manufacture a way for it to be gone: you're being SMART!) just give it like 2-3 more months maybe 5-6 more months, see if you can get that number up to like 4000 to 5000 and you'll have enough for starting a new life for yourself and then some.

It'll give you time to learn how to work out interpersonal issues with losers like your roommates who don't like to work and do stupid insane things like drumming at 2330 at night (I can only imagine how I'd react if I had work the next day and they did that shit). Because trust me I wouldn't handle that well either. I don't. With my buddy I'd tell him "dude I have to work just keep the volume down" and then like by the 4th or 5th time he'd wake me up again I'd be totally enraged. Like I understand where you're coming from. It's not a good feeling but you're taking the right path here man. Keep it up and stay true to yourself, you can do this!!!

Oh P.S. Birth Certificate... you do NOT need your mom to send you one! LOL You pay the state like $10 and they mail you a new one. It's so easy. Just do that and don't tell her so she thinks you are still "stuck" if she is still trying to manipulate you or whatever. And then you're good to go. I figured this out *really quickly* because you need(ed) a California ID to get MMJ here so yeah, I very quickly learned that.

Just tell them @ the DMV you lost the original and it won't be a big hassle; you might have to take the driver's portion of the driving test? Like in CA you would.

Just remember like whatever is stressing you out has a solution and you CAN do it! I promise. At least for most of the things you listed there are solutions and you can do it man. I believe in you.
 
How am I doing? Not too well. I think about killing myself a lot and have too many plans and should be thinking more optimistically. I have a hard time admitting to myself I need help and to take medication for this. I cry a lot thinking about my best friend, and how he died and apologized to his mom. I think about how pointless life is a lot and struggle with absurdism almost constantly now. US politics has my head spinning and that's a CEP debate (lol). Everything and I mean every good thing in my life seems to be dying or going away.

The only good thing in my life is that I am "moving forward" with "real life responsibilities", and I am not too depressed to have sex and enjoy it. That's about it. Everything else is just awful. Thankfully I'm not pressed for $ that's like the only other good thing. I try to remain objective about the good things in life but it's very difficult when so many things are going so terribly wrong.

I get waves of sadness/grief still but a lot less often and I do walk into it sometimes on purpose to gauge where I'm at or to try to lessen the intensity. I miss so many good things I had in my life (people not drugs) that are no longer here.
 
Thanks ch you know I think highly of you too!

I know the cycle of suicidal thoughts all too well. It's self defeating. It's hard to break. But once you realize thinking like that is pointless you'll start feeling better and be able to make moves that improve your life
 
ah cj i used to work full time and live with someone who started DJing at 11.30 at night, every fucking night and it drove me mad. he was a right twat about it and just wouldn't stop no matter how much i begged him. entitled twat.

like CH said, be glad you're not like them, the way you're going you will make something of yourself, and they won't. give it as long as you can before getting your own place so you have a decent amount of cash behind you. it won't be too long and it will be less stressful having your own place if you've got cash for emergencies.

i had an absolute pain in the arse of a day, finally trying to get my work up and running on someone else's computer, i don't use windows and its a pain in the arse. by midday i'd properly lost my shit. like not angry just insane. we had to call IT 3 times and have them come over cos the guy didn't have admin rights for his computer. then it still didn't work (not my code, something that's supposed to make porting between operating systems easy). anyway, eventually i made it work in a way that requires no admin privileges. and even only left 10 mins after i'd planned to.

working your arse off for something then it working out feels so good. honestly felt better than most of the decent gear i've ever had. hopefully at some point i'll stop using heroin as the standard for feeling really fucking amazing.
 
chinup said:
ah cj i used to work full time and live with someone who started DJing at 11.30 at night, every fucking night and it drove me mad. he was a right twat about it and just wouldn't stop no matter how much i begged him. entitled twat.
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If someone needs to sleep and I can't I stay quiet, I'll put headphones on, or I'll go out and do something else to be polite. I am totally not an ass to someone else like that.
 
well... it was bound to happen eventually... felt too good for too long. no surprises it was my mum who brought me down.

we're going to a wedding and she was insisting the dress i wanted to wear is now far too small. it is not i even asked my sister her opinion. i'm still finding being a healthy weight really really difficult and i do not need this. it makes me feel like i must be even fatter than i think i am when i look in the mirror. back to how i felt months ago and for most of my life. there's only 2 things i like about me, my brain and being thin. drugs took my brain and recovery took being thin. fuck fuck fuck fuck what the fuck am i supposed to do?
 
chinup said:
well... it was bound to happen eventually... felt too good for too long. no surprises it was my mum who brought me down.

we're going to a wedding and she was insisting the dress i wanted to wear is now far too small. it is not i even asked my sister her opinion. i'm still finding being a healthy weight really really difficult and i do not need this. it makes me feel like i must be even fatter than i think i am when i look in the mirror. back to how i felt months ago and for most of my life. there's only 2 things i like about me, my brain and being thin. drugs took my brain and recovery took being thin. fuck fuck fuck fuck what the fuck am i supposed to do?
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oh dear chinup I am sure there are many more good qualities/traits about you just think hard :)

Get a less-small dress that shows more cleavage and show her up that way? LOL. Just be honest. If she can't take the truth that's her fault. Tell her to F off. Sometimes you can be like "I mean this in the nicest possible way...... no."
 
cj said:
I have like 1200 dollars saved up. I found a room a could rent for 700 but I would have to be out October 1st. That doesn't give me much time to save enough for an apartment and find one wIlling to rent to me. Some other stressful stuff eating at me. Just stuff I can't do on my own like I need a Minnesota ID but my mom is dragging her feet sending my birth certificate. I lost the physical copy of my drivers license so I'm worried getting a new one here is going to take an act of congress. Just stressful shit like that.
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I can still remember counting the first 1000 I had in a jacket pocket in my old room. Times have changed! Money woes improve but you got to save every last penny if you wanna justify your big interest deeming accounts.
 
I'm so fucking tired. My legs are like jello. Today is my only off day this week. I'm going to eat 9 grams of gabapentine. I've eaten half a stick of butter to help it metabolize. Fuck my head hurts. I've got 500 dollars cash. I want to binge the fuck out. But I wont.
 
cj said:
I'm so fucking tired. My legs are like jello. Today is my only off day this week. I'm going to eat 9 grams of gabapentine. I've eaten half a stick of butter to help it metabolize. Fuck my head hurts. I've got 500 dollars cash. I want to binge the fuck out. But I wont.
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I hope you aren't taking the full 9 grams at once. you do stagger the dose right?? 300mg every half hour or so?? you know your body cant absorb more than 1 or 2 pills at a time?? I can't even imagine having that much disposable cash and not scoring, so you're doing better than me. I'm 6 days off heroin + crack and just taking 2mg subutex. Feel depressed a lot of time but at least I have some energy back. Can't wait to feel stable again.
 
Yeah I take 900mg every 30 minutes. With butter staggered to help absorption. It didn't do it that great today. I need a break for tolerance I guess
 
cj said:
I'm so fucking tired. My legs are like jello. Today is my only off day this week. I'm going to eat 9 grams of gabapentine. I've eaten half a stick of butter to help it metabolize. Fuck my head hurts. I've got 500 dollars cash. I want to binge the fuck out. But I wont.
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I know that feeling man, I'm so proud of you. Every time I have earned a bit of money I know that feeling, you're just so worn out and want out of it.

You're doing a great job man take time to care for yourself and love yourself man you're great just the way you are. :)

I wish I had more hours/wk under my belt and shit, it's a huge accomplishment.
 
What's up everybody?? I haven't posted in a while because I have been extremely busy. I have still been taking my kratom and the occasional kava. I'm hovering around 5-10 grams a day but I had a slip the other day and used dope. It was 4 days ago, I had a very stressful day at work and decided to hit up a guy I met at the grocery store to see if he could get me some dope..... He said he could but actually ripped me off and dropped me in the ghetto(should have known better). Instead of counting my lucky stars and moving on, I became possessed with anger and found somebody selling on the street.

I got extremely fucked off a tiny line of Fent. I was nodding uncontrollably, while standing. It was very unpleasant and as a fortunate outcome I have doubled down on my resolve and efforts. I have no desire to use again and I am determined to find out how the lapse occurred and take preventative measures to insure it doesn't happen again....

It was my first time doing any dope since mid May.... Oh well sobriety numbers aren't the whole story and I'm still moving forward.

I got some good news... They have dropped my felony possession charge and are trying to get me on paraphernalia, a misdemeanor. I don't know what this all means being that I am on probation in another county but as long as I stay sober I know everything will work out. I'm feeling very hopeful and like my old self again. I gotta admit that it was a little rough there for a minute and I was really in a mental funk but I persevered with mindfulness meditation, my own brand of CBT and buddhist practices. I feel as if I have really accomplished something and I am very proud of myself. I got my mojo and that "Fuck that!! No way am I going out like that." attitude back.

In a strange sadistic way I almost enjoy the struggle sometimes because it is demanding and requires extreme strength and determination. I've really come to understand the saying that it's not the destination but the journey. Living my life always trying to reach some imaginary place where I will be happy is a fools errand. The time to be happy is now because contentment is a state of mind. Not a place or possession. It is available here and now. Those things I always thought I needed to be happy always left me feeling unfulfilled once I got there. I had to change the way I perceived and thought about the world.

Here is a song for those in the struggle that always helped pull me out of my self imposed holes. I work out to this song and channel the energy and urgency from certain parts of the song to allow me to make necessary changes when I am feeling stagnant. By listening to it you might not think that it would be a positive motivator but for me it absolutely is.... 2:08 is that moment when I channel my inner badass and decide its time to get it on... lol

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Love you guys and I hope everyone finds their NOW...
 
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I don't think I told you somni but I did get kava extract, 95% pure and I've done it maybe just 2 or 3 times tops. It seemingly helped eliminate my nightmares, or at the least I don't feel terrible after an odd dream/nightmare when I wake up. Most of my ptsd/depression/anxiety issues remain untouched but I thought that was pretty neat because the nightmares were severely terrible and distressful in the morning when I'd wake up, etc. for a long time.

It was seemingly quite miraculous especially considering I've tried medications to try to get over this. Very thankful something seemed to help finally.

The taste doesn't bother me; I like intense flavors and it doesn't quite bother me whatsoever. I'll even mix it with half a bar and it seems to mask the taste of the bar (which I find more distasteful LOL). Hilarious right?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I don't think I told you somni but I did get kava extract, 95% pure and I've done it maybe just 2 or 3 times tops. It seemingly helped eliminate my nightmares, or at the least I don't feel terrible after an odd dream/nightmare when I wake up. Most of my ptsd/depression/anxiety issues remain untouched but I thought that was pretty neat because the nightmares were severely terrible and distressful in the morning when I'd wake up, etc. for a long time.

It was seemingly quite miraculous especially considering I've tried medications to try to get over this. Very thankful something seemed to help finally.

The taste doesn't bother me; I like intense flavors and it doesn't quite bother me whatsoever. I'll even mix it with half a bar and it seems to mask the taste of the bar (which I find more distasteful LOL). Hilarious right?
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Lol... That is funny as hell that the taste of kava is preferable to Xanax for you. I don't know that I've ever really noticed a taste for xanax but then again I just swallowed mine.

I'm glad you found kava to be usefull. I love the stuff, it obliterates my anxiety and depression. It makes me very social. In my opinion it really starts to shine at higher doses and social situations. It goes great with low doses of kratom and helps me moderate my kratom intake..

Don't be afraid to experiment more because a lot of people have a reverse tolerance and having a non addictive tool is amazing. I suggest trying a micronized from a reputable Nobel vendor. Kava is kind of like kratom in that different sources give different affects.

How has life been treating you otherwise captain?
 
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