In my opinion I have had normal reactions to extremely stressful life changing events and access to things that would entice anyone at the time. I am trying to say I am not that different. I used to be chill. My back injury is really when everything went wrong. I was like 22 and making so much money at the time, living in a country home, with my girl at the time, had homegrow sativa and a volcano, my job was amazing... and then I hurt my back and lost everything gradually. I was fired from work because I could no longer work.
I experienced chronic pain in my thoracic spine that left me bedridden in agony day after day while I was chauffeured around by family trying to help, any treatment imaginable really until 2 years had passed. I remember the day I decided to try heroin, I remember getting it, and I remember not liking it at first because I took too much. It was dilaudid that first allowed me to feel like a functional human being.
They didn't treat only the back injury that had fucked my whole life when my career was just starting up. And that had tortured me for two years. I found that they were the ideal drug for me. I could be entirely functional while using perpetually, unlike weed, and it was really euphoric too. Made me cheerful and upbeat, but mellow too. Slow to speak but quick to think. I always had my head on my shoulders back then, until I couldn't afford it as I had been unemployed for a while.
Shit was like totally fine up until then. Sure I was addicted but I was happy and in a happy relationship too. We did a lot of travelling it was amazing and yeah like I really miss her sometimes. I will never be over her even if she hates me now. I had money to do stuff like that, I can't afford a weed habit now.
It only makes sense to go back. It made anger management irrelevant. Back pain like I had never injured myself. Girl problems I could not have cared less if they came up. I sure as hell wasn't looking for that by the end of it. But, I was functional for a long time on the drug and have the means to sustain that if I could find the right job. It is the sole way I have ever found to be content with myself. It is hard to give that up, especially when your condition seems to be worsening without them. I want that energy, mellow vibe, euphoria, pain relief, sociability back. All the positive things about it, and the negatives really only show up when you try and quit or run out. I'd be totally down to go back especially with this etizolam bullshit my anxiety is so much worse since I stopped and it has led to taking more.
I miss being happy. What the fuck even is this? It isn't a life, and it isn't what I would expect after 9 months of effort. I always had a benzo problem it isn't just that I can't get my shit together because ever since I quit opiates not one day have I felt right.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
