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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I havemt read any posts as ive never been worse off in 30 years of living i just move on when i freak out amd all i cam do is apologize i have bpd it is a symptom. I have every symptom of bpd right now. Did opiates ever take care of that for a while, until they made it worse.

I just deal with the agony now. Benzo wd symptom is pain sensitivity and it already hurts to begin with so bad and i still have opioid induced hyperalgesia amd probably will for life.

I found my journey though, my destination. I am taking more courses on linear algebra, and a programming course, a course on Linux operating system too. I am also teaching university math for a da,n good wage. One studemt covers my cheese quake. Nice balanced potent hybrid right there.

i was so fucked up and the jobs i was getting were so out of a.ign,ent with what i did in school ive jut been lost. Get bofed, do drugs. I spent all day tlday learning more about linear algebra. I really want to know how it ties into engineering, and it will only help me understand quantum physics with a new perspective. And I like how it is abstract and seems all about mathematical proofs you actual have to be smart and think about. The calculations are not the hard part so far.

I am loving it. I plan on specifically becoming an expert on linear algebra and other areas of mathematics like differential equations and probability (my probability sucks no pun intended). And then of course I want to get deeper i to that quantu, shit until i truly ,ose ,y mind

I gotta taper drop again due to supply issues. Had 1.3 grams dont know where the shit goes for fucks sake. Well i have around that amount but someone like me should hAve a quarter ounce of etiz at all times, really. Tapering will take so damn long unless valium or klonopin accumulate amd conteract it. Anyways i was possessed im pretty sure be ause i was asking for it. This is a very religious place with sacred artifacts and a shrine tends to attract darkness to ward off.
 
Shroomy ... consider this: take a plane to Peru, do some Ayahuasca at one of the MANY retreats in the jungle outside of Iquitos, get a job at one of those centers ... and purge your crap. Purge, purge, purge. I'm actually completely serious - you'll change your set, setting, and probably your life. Just a thought ...
 
I started learning a whole bunch of new skills for my career today that I can’t really give up on and have a little bit of work. I am loving this, it’s what I should be doing. Well it has been a few weeks but like today was the day. Preparing myself for my career as I had to take so much time off cause of this back pain. i have smked through my quarter ounce of dmt I think I’m good man. I am in no position to travel this unwell and I’m broke. So I a, exercising my mind I’m xomtinuing to learn a second language too. Realistic things. I can’t run off to the jungle right now amd I’ve already been there dne that. If amything, I would microdose the Iboga total alkaloid extract Imhave along with Ibogaine and get on with life. There are plenty of forest trails nearby I like to roam through. Anxiety has been bad. I’d love to try coca tea though.
 
Thank you for apologizing ShroomySatori.

You need to get some help with this.

Please consider the medical detox.
 
How is everyone doing?

Squeaky, my thoughts are with you. I hope you are doing alright.

This last doctor appointment was kinda embarrassing. My doctor is out of the country for two months and I had to see the doctor he had standing in for him. I was in a lot of pain and I needed to get my prescriptions quickly. The entire office was packed and there was a couple in there that were so drunk and smelled horrible. I was freaking from pain and the drunk lady was blah, blah, blahing.

I was pacing the office and then once the drunk people got taken back, I started to freak about having to come to this office. Which is not a nice office. It is gross. All the girls in the office were saying "I'm so sorry Sherri, we will get you your prescriptions ASAP!" They had never seen me like that before. They saw how much pain I get in.

Then my insurance company denied paying for my prescriptions and I had to pay out of pocket and I let my pharmacist have it a bit about "what would someone do that really needed these medications and did not have the $100 to pay?" . I was pissed. Then I called my insurance company yesterday to find out what the hell? They told me I had broken my pain contract with them by seeing another doctor! Lol!

Luckily, my insurance broker ass kicker abilities kicked in and they have things fixed and are going to reimburse my money.
My mom's money actually.

At least that Doctor standing in for my doctor saw my pain when it is severe and she even suggested an increase in medication. I said that I didn't really want to up the dosage because I want to keep it at a therapeutic level but I will give it two more months doing all I can do with meditation, grounding techniques, exercise, nutrition, etc. and if it is still this bad then I will ask.
 
I csn get the drugs to taper for now I’mmseeing ampsychologist. Way more interested in that drugs are not the problem here and I know how to taper. Im a pro with being a functional addict. A psychologist is good for me i think. Id like to talk about why I hate my life so much to a professional. Since ive been hustling with these drugs for so long i can always get enough to taper which is the omly rewlistic option here a solid taper. Our country doesnt do those id never trust them ever period. Theynlost my trust many years ago as theynwere fools and doctors are supposed to be smart. My life remains in my hands but yeah I look forward to talking about how I hate my life so much and why.
 
That's awesome you're seeing a psychologist Shroomy. :) There are some really great ones, they don't all suck. If you find one that understands you and really understands the dangers of benzo withdrawal, I think they can be an important ally for you.
 
Yes for sure but I wouldn’t bring up the benzos. I’m already scripted them and they do not need to know I have a much higher tolerance. I am a professional junkie and will fight through the taper to keep my habit a secret as long as possible ideally until instop. Been there done that. I want to dive into the depths of my subconcscious, really. Past memories. Like how I try to and partially accomplish with psychedelics but healthier and more realistic treatment. There are questions I need answers to but it will take time to find someone I won’t argue with maybe. They dont script wither and thats good the last thing i need is another drug. I wonder why I can’t have a job, friends, and a girlfriend too. Why imhave to compulsively smoke cannabis and can never ever quit i cant even cut back. I dont want to I love it. But how it causes problems too. Just stuff like that try to get insight into myself. If they are cspable of that. It was never really the drugs though, that is more of an escape thing. I am hung up on stuff. It’s led me to become depressed.
 
Keping busy with yoga and learning tech stuff i should know though and trying to pick up my book the new one but i csnt seem to find the motivation. I guess i’mm just more interested in math right now but i should read a little each day too. And learning second language a friend speaks. Killed a yoga class today im physically pretty good.

If i wasnt so deoressed if this man was not so damn depressed and bitter and resentful and hung up.
 
That is great to hear ShroomySatori. I think that is a really good idea.

You do need to get to the root of this problem.

I hope you find someone who can help you to let go of all the bad and to discover how very amazing you truly are.

Search your heart for answers when the time is right.

Hope you are stable on your medications. Keep up the taper. It will be so nice for you to be able to just get a prescription for the Valium you need.

I don't know why you feel the need to smoke weed so compulsive either. It would be great to not feel so uncomfortable in your own skin that you are able to go back to just enjoying that sometimes.

You made a good decision and a big step forward.
Nice job!

Be open to help my friend. Most everyone in this world really only wants the best for you. Trust in that a little more.
I know that is hard after you have been repeatedly abused by others but not everyone is like that. The majority of people in this world are not like that.

❤️
 
i’m past the point of help though i am trying not to think anout it and enjoy the present moment alone. I have seen this coming in advance for so long ans nothing has chamged. I want out. It is my right if I am suffering all the time. I’ve lost my passion for everything. The story emds here it is only a matter of time and that is ky decision. I can’t live with myself anymore.that is all there is to it.
 
Painful One said:
How is everyone doing?

Squeaky, my thoughts are with you. I hope you are doing alright.

This last doctor appointment was kinda embarrassing. My doctor is out of the country for two months and I had to see the doctor he had standing in for him. I was in a lot of pain and I needed to get my prescriptions quickly. The entire office was packed and there was a couple in there that were so drunk and smelled horrible. I was freaking from pain and the drunk lady was blah, blah, blahing.

I was pacing the office and then once the drunk people got taken back, I started to freak about having to come to this office. Which is not a nice office. It is gross. All the girls in the office were saying "I'm so sorry Sherri, we will get you your prescriptions ASAP!" They had never seen me like that before. They saw how much pain I get in.

Then my insurance company denied paying for my prescriptions and I had to pay out of pocket and I let my pharmacist have it a bit about "what would someone do that really needed these medications and did not have the $100 to pay?" . I was pissed. Then I called my insurance company yesterday to find out what the hell? They told me I had broken my pain contract with them by seeing another doctor! Lol!

Luckily, my insurance broker ass kicker abilities kicked in and they have things fixed and are going to reimburse my money.
My mom's money actually.

At least that Doctor standing in for my doctor saw my pain when it is severe and she even suggested an increase in medication. I said that I didn't really want to up the dosage because I want to keep it at a therapeutic level but I will give it two more months doing all I can do with meditation, grounding techniques, exercise, nutrition, etc. and if it is still this bad then I will ask.
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Just coming back after letting my phone die. Don't ya wish life without medication could be easy? Still buying pills from a drug dealer and about to run outta Valium.

It's all good tho I'm down to the point where it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Wish I could have ur insurance broker ass kicker abilities to help me at my doctors office!

And shroomi, no hard feelings, just trying to help. Get that toxic shit out of your body because its wreaking havoc on your mind. Trust me, I've been there many times. High dose benzo addiction is one of the scariest things on the planet. And hey, bipolar type 2 here, you're not alone.
 
Man why ismthe toxic shit there to begin with? I sure wish it wasnt and im. Ot looking to catch a buzz. I dont think i ever was. I was just looking for something. Anything other than nothing. It has been going on for so many years and the reason I have to do drugs is only torturing me more and more. I cannot handle this much torture anymore. I do not give a fuck about ,y life. Later
 
The stuffs already killed my head but why did i choose to domtjat? I know exa tly wjy, amd it makes accepting my hanging out easier to conclude. Been waiting far too lomg

if i make it out of this alive which i’m undecided on at the moment, like if i want to suffer that much, cocaine or heroin wouldn’t really seem like drugs to me anymore. It would be like smoking weed. A line of a mix of them would feel comp,etely safe in my mind after survivng this garbage. Any junkie knows this shit is the worst to kick. Fucking to hell with benzos to hell with them all. I couldnt think straight panicking all day took the script huge mistake. Fucking fuck panic disorder on top of bpd and chronic pain. Amd fucking fuck how i cant get a girl cause even in heroin withdrawal cold turkey i was sick aa fuck and had a lovely time with my last. If it wasnt for her i would have spent the summer in bed, sort of like how i spent this one. On hiatus from life. Two sum,ers ago now i guess. The more responsibilities i have and the more social contaxt and contact with society the better. But yeah i gotta stop it with the outbursts i get that. That shit is paws symptoms there was so much building up for so long and inwas numbing myself to it. Still a functional junkie for many years, i dont really get that. How nobody clued in and still dont know.

if im this depressed i should start drinking espresso again that is def part of it. I’ve been avoiding caffeine amd it worsens my mood. Having a cup of chinese white tea.

i just dont understand why i have everything i need but confidence
 
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Shroomy,

I know you are suffering unimaginable torture. I know you just want it to end.
I totally get it and I am there also sometimes. But I have hope. I know that things can improve.
As long as you are still breathing and have life in you, there is hope.

Wish there was something I could do to help more but just know that you are loved by many. We are here for you.
No judgment. Hold on my friend. Give the psychologist a try.

You know that benzo problem has got to go. It is just as dopiejay said. He has been through that and it is making you feel so much worse but you can overcome that!

Good to hear from you also dopiejay. Your knowledge and friendship is priceless!
 
ShroomySatori said:
The stuffs already killed my head but why did i choose to domtjat? I know exa tly wjy, amd it makes accepting my hanging out easier to conclude. Been waiting far too lomg

if i make it out of this alive which i?m undecided on at the moment, like if i want to suffer that much, cocaine or heroin wouldn?t really seem like drugs to me anymore. It would be like smoking weed. A line of a mix of them would feel comp,etely safe in my mind after survivng this garbage. Any junkie knows this shit is the worst to kick. Fucking to hell with benzos to hell with them all. I couldnt think straight panicking all day took the script huge mistake. Fucking fuck panic disorder on top of bpd and chronic pain. Amd fucking fuck how i cant get a girl cause even in heroin withdrawal cold turkey i was sick aa fuck and had a lovely time with my last. If it wasnt for her i would have spent the summer in bed, sort of like how i spent this one. On hiatus from life. Two sum,ers ago now i guess. The more responsibilities i have and the more social contaxt and contact with society the better. But yeah i gotta stop it with the outbursts i get that. That shit is paws symptoms there was so much building up for so long and inwas numbing myself to it. Still a functional junkie for many years, i dont really get that. How nobody clued in and still dont know.

if im this depressed i should start drinking espresso again that is def part of it. I?ve been avoiding caffeine amd it worsens my mood. Having a cup of chinese white tea.

i just dont understand why i have everything i need but confidence
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Were all here for ya man. And yes having been through both benzo withdrawal is By far the worst. I also understand the angry outbursts. It's part if bpd. It's usually how I get when I'm at the low end.

You will survive this. The key is to taper very very slowly. You're trying that's the main thing here. Keep pushing shroomi. You're having a battle right now few will understand, besides for some of us on here.

I'm almost done my taper and the PAWS is a bitch and a half. But don't give up. Maybe do a medical detox if you have to. Were all here for each other my brother. Take it one day at a time.

The worst thing for benzos is that nothing out there really eases the w/d besides more benzos.

Edit: misread bpd as bipolar disorder. Both are pretty similar though.
 
Hey dopiejay - I agree with you about the VERY slow taper. I just went from 17.5 mgs of oxy to 15 mg (on Friday). Today is my 3rd day on 15mg, and if I hadn't done this whole thing slowly, I don't think I could've made it this far. I'll probably hang at 15mgs for a little bit, and then go down to 12.5 ... and so on. There's a week vacation coming up in November (our Thanksgiving here in the States) - it may be time to get off entirely at that time ... I'll play it by ear. I'm definitely feeling bits and pieces of PAWS while I'm doing this; however, if I keep physically moving ... I have to admit, it's not that bad. All this said, I realize that benzos are quite different than opiates. Whenever I make an adjustment to my taper, I take 2.5mgs of Valium for the first 3 days or so ... but then I stop, simply because I don't want to deal with a benzo withdrawal.
 
uncle_jocko said:
Hey dopiejay - I agree with you about the VERY slow taper. I just went from 17.5 mgs of oxy to 15 mg (on Friday). Today is my 3rd day on 15mg, and if I hadn't done this whole thing slowly, I don't think I could've made it this far. I'll probably hang at 15mgs for a little bit, and then go down to 12.5 ... and so on. There's a week vacation coming up in November (our Thanksgiving here in the States) - it may be time to get off entirely at that time ... I'll play it by ear. I'm definitely feeling bits and pieces of PAWS while I'm doing this; however, if I keep physically moving ... I have to admit, it's not that bad. All this said, I realize that benzos are quite different than opiates. Whenever I make an adjustment to my taper, I take 2.5mgs of Valium for the first 3 days or so ... but then I stop, simply because I don't want to deal with a benzo withdrawal.
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U wanna be very careful uncle jocko. If u get down to say 10mg a day and try and stop completely u may well relapse and ruin all the progress u made. I would suggest keep tapering until it seems like you're literally taking fuck all. Like 2.5 mg a day. It's when u got none at all in your system that the psychological withdrawal hits.
 
Yeah i really like kurt cobain i think he had misdiagnosed bipolar as borderline it is a common occurence. Like he was bpd i mean, it seems that way to me a lot amd ky first relationship lol its like what youd thnk of their notorious one. She even looked like courtney love lol and imwas doing heroin the whole time we were younger and it was less serious and a lot of fun but ironically i was a professional back then and im nothing now.

i am not thinking about this benzo withdrawal right now as that much of a problem. I have a script to be stable on in the end and ive gotten off various drugs in the past.

what concerns me are far more serious matters concerning my whole entire life. So much is missing, and imhad so much before, it is no winder imgot depressed and stuff. I dont mean material possessions just friends a girl a job a happy life. I don’t believe in myself anymore and that is not changing. My self esteem couldnt be much worse than it is.
 
ShroomySatori said:
Yeah i really like kurt cobain i think he had misdiagnosed bipolar as borderline it is a common occurence. Like he was bpd i mean, it seems that way to me a lot amd ky first relationship lol its like what youd thnk of their notorious one. She even looked like courtney love lol and imwas doing heroin the whole time we were younger and it was less serious and a lot of fun but ironically i was a professional back then and im nothing now.

i am not thinking about this benzo withdrawal right now as that much of a problem. I have a script to be stable on in the end and ive gotten off various drugs in the past.

what concerns me are far more serious matters concerning my whole entire life. So much is missing, and imhad so much before, it is no winder imgot depressed and stuff. I dont mean material possessions just friends a girl a job a happy life. I don’t believe in myself anymore and that is not changing. My self esteem couldnt be much worse than it is.
Click to expand...

I gotta say I think it's the benzos doing that to you. I noticed it myself when I was on high doses. No motivation, no desire to do anything, depressed all the time.

I kind of think after a while it becomes counteracting and causes more stress and anxiety. Because first when u take them the anxiety is obliterated but after a while it just doesn't work like that anymore.

Benzos are the opium of the new age. I find it hilarious how the drs here chuck out benzos for everything like they're candy but won't prescribe opioids for people like me who need them.

Mark my words, after the 'opioid crisis' we're gonna have a 'benzo crisis'
 
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