i'm sorry guys. i really am, i need to vent and idk where else to go so this is ugly. don't read.
what are you f**king stupid?! i said don't read this!!!
i told these stupid mother f**kers this would happen. i told them exactly everything i knew was going to happen when they gave me this damn poison. i told them it wasn't going to be good at all. i tried to make excuses to understand what was done to me was with the best of intentions but i can no longer enable a sick society by pulling the covers over my head and making excuses.
i've had 8 years of my life taken by this symptom before invega and now another 12 to the symptom plus the invega by the time this is all over and i resume full consciousness. i go delirious sometimes lately from how slow this healing process is happening. i lose my shit often, i feel the psychotic breaks come and go. i sit on my couch and let my life go by the wayside for what?! sure i don't have most of the side effects and symptoms pestering me but those few that do are the worse; they are the soul killers, the life stealers, the mind wreckers and most corrosive to the body. emotions? if i get any during times like this they are fleeting at best. i would rather live my life all over again experiencing every bad thing that happened to me, none of the good that happened and even those few unfortunate things left to experience that would put my life at the worse of all time rather than endure much more of this sometimes.
i live with a condition that trying to talk about it is like trying to explain the human condition to aliens in summerian. the symptoms are so rare that some are completely unheard of. the condition doesn't even have a god d**n name or label so i get stuck with whatever they think is closest. it's like trying to get heart surgery done by a f**king plumber or bank teller. i put in my time, paid my dues and worked with the science and the system and in return i got the old boy routine but instead of being released with thousands of dollars and free to do what i want i enter back into the exact same system but much worse than i left it. people running around acting like everything is all good all the time or screaming for freedoms and recognition sounding like lil children and going about everything backasswards. all i see is them being dead inside, the zombies they turned us into and they can't tell they're rushing head long towards death and destruction. everyone willing to open their mouths to say whatever they want and living like their shit don't stink while their entire world is literally falling apart around them. and they don't know it or pretend not to so they can go to sleep easier at night.
i can't wait to be healed because then i can just go about my business while the rest of humanity pisses itself away to oblivion. i'll be lucky not to have permanent damage from the stress i'm going through alone. i'll be fortunate if what i'm going through kills me from the weight of it all. i know i'll fully heal and be stronger from it because my life is the very epitome of this but the really f**ked up thing is no one, not one damn person can tell me what it's all for. everyone else on the poison gets to be part of the learning curve but like always "guess what, your not one of us". as long as everyone else can feel good about themselves or do the happy thing then that's what counts. how much can one person take in this life? we're all about to find out even though no one will be paying attention or using that information for something constructive, productive or for reasons of posterity. aint gonna learn from this shit and even when i figure out why it wont matter, no one will pay attention because they wont be able to. just a bunch of fat mother f**kers laying around in hover chairs all day.
they put the wrong person on this s**t, this poison and they don't even recognize it. but that's ok cause i'm the one who's gotta live with it while everyone else stands around trying to pretend to figure out what's going on. it's no ones fault but my own even though the choices were out of my hands and i properly informed those involved of everything that they needed to know to make the right ones. i'll live with this, i'll keep trying and fighting against the impossible while laughing hysterically to myself and everyone else goes about like nothing is ever going to get bad enough for them to pay attention to the things they constantly miss out of sheer ignorance and stupidity that is self evident through lack of responsibility for just being alive or they'll run away from it by choice.
i would say a lot to god right now but god and i don't talk. i let god and it's children be the best i can which is no easy task considering they force their way into my life every single needless chance they get. i would say a lot to psychiatrists and i have but it doesn't matter. i would say a lot to anyone from any walk of life and they wouldn't get past their own sense of self righteousness. i would rather go back to saying nothing at all like i was pre-invega. but no, they can stick me with a needle but can't undo the damage they've done and why should they?! they were only trying to help, they are only learning and it's my life so what is it to them as long as it's not happening to them.
i just want my life back. apparently that's just too much to ask. so f**k humanity, most people aren't worth the price of the condom that could've prevented all of this in the first place. sure would've made a lot of things easier though.
then again. i'm just some ranting, mentally ill, know nothing, white boy who is off his meds and living in the worse country in the world and i couldn't possibly be saying anything that matters, has a ring of truth to it or should be bothered to be listened to.
i'm human, i'm not perfect and i have my limitations.
i just want my life back.
