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Newly broken up, would like some kind words and advice

M

Mike93

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2016
Messages
54
Hello everyone,


So as of 2 days ago, my now-ex left me. We had been together for 3 years. We have a 4 and a half year age gap. Things were fine in the beginning but for the past year she had been blindly accusing me of cheating. For example, if I spent an extra hour or 2 at work, she would take it as that I left work and went to hang out with females. To be clear, i never once laid a finger on anyone but her. I stayed faithful till the end. About a year ago as well, she moved in with me and I've seen her basically every day since. Things got better immediately once she moved in and the accusations came almost to a halt. I noticed in the past few weeks that sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night randomly (to use the bathroom, or just randomly waking up) to see her on her phone and I got that gut feeling that something was wrong. I would ask her why she was on her phone and she would make up excuses and she always had her phone tilted away so I couldn't see it, which added to my suspicion. So fast forward to 2 days ago. She doesn't come over after work that night, and doesn't message me back till 2am. She claims she "fell asleep at her house". And then the next morning she sends me a paragraph stating she just doesn't feel the same anymore and that she's been talking to this guy. (She had been "friends" with him on and off (they would argue) for about a year and a half) it's been 2 days and she's been posting pictures with him on social media with hearts and all that and they've been with each other nonstop since.


I just don't understand why someone would feel the need to throw away a relationship with a faithful man who is getting his bachelor's degree in a month and his work is paying for his master's degree program. (I work for a great company and make terrific money) for a guy who claims to be an "entrepreneur" with nothing to show for it. Not to mention that he looks like one of those douchey guys (spiked hair, goatee, the way he dresses, etc) and when he first messaged her at the beginning, he was just trying to get her to have sex with him. And then she got mad and blocked him, and then all of a sudden she's messaging him again and we're at this stage now. I just don't understand it. How can someone move on so quickly after being with someone for over 3 years?


Can someone help clarify what went wrong? I'm heartbroken and dumbfounded as to why this happened when I did nothing to deserve it. I lost most of my friends because she didn't "like" them and didn't want me talking to them so I basically have nothing left now. The depression is real and it would be nice if you guys give me some advice on what to do next.
 
Mike,

Nothing went wrong. and that is going to be the single most difficult thing to understand, but it will click one day, and you will be in a much better place.

I hate to be cliche and say, she just wasn't meant for you and there's someone else out there that is. But it couldn't be more true. It honestly just wasnt meant to work out. and it sounds like it just wasn't from very early on. Trust is a huge part of the relationship, IMO the most important. without it, you have nothing. You are on the hunt for you life partner, that other half of you that is always there for you no matter what, thick and thin. a girl who accuses you of cheating without rational, most certainly doesn't trust you and is an immediate tell tale sign of a typically dishonest person.

I am very sorry that this didn't work out for you. and a broken heart is absolute crap to deal with. Reach out to your old friends. Trust me, if they were real friends, you didn't loose them just because of your infrequent contact with them because of this girl. i was in the same place. lost most my friends for the same reason, but my true friends are still in my life. women have that strange power over us sometimes. but the best thing to do is pick yourself up and get back into the social world. as hard as it may be, being out and putting on that fake smile will make a real one come out eventually.

Also, my first big breakup, this little post helped me a lot. it is very true. http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/10/09/this-too-shall-pass/

I wish you the best of luck man. But you'll be fine. it only gets better every day from here on out.
 
I'm sure my ex husband could have write this same post about me. We were together for 7 years. Had a son together and he adopted my older son as his father was killed on a motorcycle when he was a baby. He was very good to me. Made excellent money. Me and my boys had any material possession we could have ever wanted. He was kind. Told me I was beautiful every day. Even after 7 years! When I told him I has an addiction he stood by my side and supported me 100% and got me clean.
Sounds great Right? He did everything a good husband would do. Besides being slightly controlling when it came to me having friends. But I think that was because he was trying desperately to make me love him. The only problem was, I didn't. No matter how hard I tried. Willing and forcing myself to love this man. But my feelings for him never grew beyond the initial physical attraction. Once that wore off, as happens in every relationship, there was nothing left. He didn't do anything wrong, and lots of times people beat themselves up forever wondering what they could have done differently. Fact of the matter is, sometimes there is just nothing you can do. If It's not meant to be it won't....be. The man I met shortly after our split (he always says I left him for this guy, but I did not, I asked for a divorce a couple of months before I met him) is completely different. He's kind of an asshole. A terrible provider and I couldn't tell you the last time he called me beautiful. Also, he looks like one of those douchey types, lol. But my god I love him. More than I could even put into words.

Moral of the story? Sometimes we just can't make it work. No matter how hard we try. And eventually we don't want to waste anymore of our time or yours on a relationship that we know isn't going to work out in the end. I hope this helps you some and I'm sorry you're going through this ❤
 
I am sorry you are going thru this. I know it hurts; I have been where you are. If things are as you described them, then in my humble opinion, your ex does not deserve you and you should try your hardest to tell yourself that each day.. the fact that she is posting pictures already with this new person tells me 2 things, 1) that she has likely been talking to and possibly seeing him for awhile and 2) that she likely has little respect or regard for you and your feelings. I mean who does that only days afterwards?! I would understand her doing so if you were unfaithful say and she caught you, and she was upset and angry. but as you described it, it sounds like you were a decent, caring guy/ partner. You may also very likely find her knocking at your door again down the road once she has had her fun and the novelty of this new thing wears off. Bc it almost always does And at that time you will have to decide whether or not to allow her back into your life. I am a someone who believes that things happen for a reason in life - even when it seems impossible that anything good could ever come from a situation that feels so awful - if you give yourself time, you may just find that her leaving was the best thing that could have happened. Kind of reminds of that song which basically says bless the broken road that lead me to you. Maybe she wasnt the right one for you and you needed to be free to find the one. You may feel broken now, but try to think of the positive things in your life - bc it sounds like you have many!! Congrats on finishing your degree btw and nothing but best wishes to you going forward. Keep your chin up.
 
Thank you very much for the great responses everyone, they went above and beyond what I was expecting to get. This is why I love this forum and community. I've had girlfriends before her but after the first year I got that feeling all of a sudden one day that she was the one. My mind raced and suddenly I began seeing images of us travelling the world (we both have always wanted to) and I'd see pictures of us on the beach in Australia and things like that. Absolutely beautiful serenity.

She was born to horrible parents and was placed into a foster home and were adopted by the dad's dad, so her grandparents are her legal guardians. Her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer this past year. This came as a complete shock because she went in with pain and they did some tests and her cancer was stage 4, meaning that she doesn't have long to live. She ended up passing away about a month or so after being diagnosed. My now-ex took it extremely hard and was always crying, as I would expect but I stuck right by her side and comforted her in her greatest time of need that she has ever experienced in her life. What makes this even more difficult for me was that I was close with her grandmother. They adored me and completely approved of me being with their granddaughter. There was one instance where my girlfriend was showering in the bathroom and her grandmother, even while dying, talked with me. She asked if I thought that she was the "one" meaning if I could see myself marrying her. I valiantly nodded yes and her face lit up with joy. She said "perfect, because I was hoping so too. Treat her well like I know you will and keep her safe, promise me that" and I did. She died a few weeks after that conversation. She lost her ability to speak just a few days after that conversation happened which makes me feel like it was destined to be. Tonight, I said a prayer and tried to speak with her grandmother. I told her exactly what had happened and I know if she were here in life, that she would completely disapprove of what happened. And I feel as if she betrayed her own family as she betrayed me.

My family took her in as their own. She moved in with me. My parents treated her like their own and she developed a strong bond with my mom (as she never had a real mom, and her grandmother had passed away) and they had a great relationship. And at a recently family gathering that she attended, my uncle, who I'm extremely close with asked the same question about her being the "one" and I told him yes. And he confirmed that we looked perfect together.

I've had relationships before her and never got that gut feeling of it being "right" and for her to be the "one". Which is why I weigh so heavily on this. It's awful going to bed alone every night and waking up (theoretically, I have barely slept at all) alone already destroys my mood because I'd always wake up to her barraging me with kisses or me doing that to her; it was our "thing" I guess. I just wish for things to fix themselves so that we can get on and continue with the perfect future I and her grandmother envisioned. :/
 
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Aw Mike, I'm so sorry. I think I have nothing else to add beyond what others have said in answer to your original question but I just feel bad for you and wanted to say it. Nothing cuts you down like a broken heart and being rejected is a terrible blow. One of the things that stands out the most to me in your story is that this is not at all personal even though it must feel completely personal. Your ex had a traumatic childhood and I'm sure that she will be dealing with trust issues all her life. Add to that that some people with similar histories find that they actually feel suspicious of people that genuinely try to love them. So what I am trying to say is that it wasn't you, or anything that you did or did not do that ended this relationship--it was more than likely your ex's issues and my heart goes out to her as well as she tries to find happiness in her life.

The best thing you can do now is to give yourself some mourning time--allow yourself to feel the depths of the loss and then start taking small gentle steps away from the past. You sound like a good guy with a lot to give. I'm not much of a believer in the "right one"; instead I believe that when two people are simultaneously ready to settle into a couple that they tend to give more than take and thus a good lasting partnership is formed. You have to put yourself out there which can be hard but when you are ready you'll feel it.<3
 
Give yourself time to process things and heal. Pray, meditate, and know that you are worthy to be alive and blessed to feel sorrow. Don't worry about the next relationship, mend some new and old wounds and I guarantee you'll find a better fit. My two cents- peace be with you
 
Hello everyone. Just wanted to make an update. So, a mutual friend informed me that she has been staying over his house for the night the past few nights and that they are now sexually active. This is ironic because she had told all of her friends that she would make this guy wait and that she wanted to take it slow. So much for that. It hurts even more now knowing that she gave up her body to someone after only being with them for a week. :( I know that she's not my "problem" anymore, but deep down, it still bothers me. He's getting all the things (having her sleep over, having sex, etc) in the first week that took me months and months to get. I wanted to be respectful and wait to first have sex to prove that I wasn't going to "hit it and quit it" and it took at least a year until she started sleeping over because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. And now he's reaping all those benefits within 5 days..:X
 
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Sounds like a terrible girl I once was involved with. She would string multiple dudes around and only sleep with the terrible ones. Some people have twisted mindsets and trust issues that push them to do things like that. That girl came from a very dysfunctional family and generally that's where those types of things start.

Think about her family life. Did her parents fight? Get divorced? Abuse her? Speaking from experience, that shit will mess up your idea of love good. Not saying that's a free pass, you're responsible for your own decisions. I recognized my problems and reconciled them. If that's her case, then she doesnt seem to want to do that (yet).
 
devilsgospel said:
Sounds like a terrible girl I once was involved with. She would string multiple dudes around and only sleep with the terrible ones. Some people have twisted mindsets and trust issues that push them to do things like that. That girl came from a very dysfunctional family and generally that's where those types of things start.

Think about her family life. Did her parents fight? Get divorced? Abuse her? Speaking from experience, that shit will mess up your idea of love good. Not saying that's a free pass, you're responsible for your own decisions. I recognized my problems and reconciled them. If that's her case, then she doesnt seem to want to do that (yet).
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Thank you for the response! She was given up by her birth parents because they weren't fit to be parents, the her dad's dad (her grandfather) adopted her. Her parents are divorced though. Her cousin used to live with them too and he would also be getting arrested for drug related things or abusing women that he had over. And I also discovered today that she changed her number, I bet she was getting so much hate from her friends who believe what she did was WRONG. (And there were many)
 
Breakups suck. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It's very clear how much you care for this girl. And she was very lucky to have experienced love like you shared with her.

As far as getting over it. It takes time. But do what you need to do right now to nurture your heart. Sleep lots, talk to your friends, read articles on breakups, pray (if that's something you are into), I always find long walks in the woods grounds me, throw yourself into school or work..But really, it's whatever YOU need.

Then, after some time, I'd encourage you to get on with your life. Spend some time thinking about what you want your life to look and just take baby steps to get there.

I will tell you the single best thing to getting over someone, though: it is to send them love. If you sit quietly and work to transform all of your feelings into love and send it to her, slowly after some time you will be healed. You alchemize the negative into something beautiful. You will find yourself feeling light and happy and pure hearted. And after some time you won't remember how you feel today or how you felt last week. You will remember the love you shared and that is a gift to yourself. You do not do this for her. You do this for you. And I won't lie, it takes time. But if you do this for a couple weeks, I guarantee you will be feeling better.

Lastly, I know you are hurting, but please be careful about the judgement you throw on her right now. Quite frankly, it is none of your business who she is sleeping with and how soon. I know it hurts like hell, but these are her decisions to make. It is her life and her body. What she does with her body is NOT wrong. Maybe she'll regret jumping into something so soon and maybe she won't. But what's wrong and right for her is not your call. She is a different person today than she was three years ago when you met. You will drive yourself crazy with these thoughts. A woman (or man) can do whatever she pleases with her body. This is how she learns what is right for her. Not what her parents taught her or school or church or her friends. It's her journey. Let her live it.

And do so with love.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life. The best we can do is love the shit out of people while we have the chance and it sounds like you did that. And some woman, when you and she are both ready, will gladly let you love her so deeply.

Trust that the universe brings you what you need when you need it, and it takes what is no longer meant for you.

You do you.
 
jordanwonder said:
Breakups suck. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It's very clear how much you care for this girl. And she was very lucky to have experienced love like you shared with her.

As far as getting over it. It takes time. But do what you need to do right now to nurture your heart. Sleep lots, talk to your friends, read articles on breakups, pray (if that's something you are into), I always find long walks in the woods grounds me, throw yourself into school or work..But really, it's whatever YOU need.

Then, after some time, I'd encourage you to get on with your life. Spend some time thinking about what you want your life to look and just take baby steps to get there.

I will tell you the single best thing to getting over someone, though: it is to send them love. If you sit quietly and work to transform all of your feelings into love and send it to her, slowly after some time you will be healed. You alchemize the negative into something beautiful. You will find yourself feeling light and happy and pure hearted. And after some time you won't remember how you feel today or how you felt last week. You will remember the love you shared and that is a gift to yourself. You do not do this for her. You do this for you. And I won't lie, it takes time. But if you do this for a couple weeks, I guarantee you will be feeling better.

Lastly, I know you are hurting, but please be careful about the judgement you throw on her right now. Quite frankly, it is none of your business who she is sleeping with and how soon. I know it hurts like hell, but these are her decisions to make. It is her life and her body. What she does with her body is NOT wrong. Maybe she'll regret jumping into something so soon and maybe she won't. But what's wrong and right for her is not your call. She is a different person today than she was three years ago when you met. You will drive yourself crazy with these thoughts. A woman (or man) can do whatever she pleases with her body. This is how she learns what is right for her. Not what her parents taught her or school or church or her friends. It's her journey. Let her live it.

And do so with love.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life. The best we can do is love the shit out of people while we have the chance and it sounds like you did that. And some woman, when you and she are both ready, will gladly let you love her so deeply.

Trust that the universe brings you what you need when you need it, and it takes what is no longer meant for you.

You do you.
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Thank you very much for your kind, and true words. It's just hard to accept her throwing her body around, when she was never that kind of person. She wasn't that way at all when with me and she never really cared much for sex either. The reason why I'm so angry about her giving up her body, is because this guy will manipulate women to get between their legs. Of the girls I know who have been with him before, have had several stories of him forcing himself on them and threatening things if they refuse. But, moving on. She reached out to me last night because her boyfriend was out with friends for the night and he wouldn't know that we talked. We went back and forth for nearly 12 hours, and she was stating how she feels awful for causing me pain and that the new guy "promised" to be better than me and she thinks that he deserves a chance to show her. It actually went better than I thought and she explained that she still does have feelings for me, but that she was too "comfortable" with me (whatever that means) Obviously, I wanted to blow up at her, but I didn't. I remained calm and collected and gave insightful answers and explained that what she did to me is not acceptable and she'll understand when this guy ends up doing it to her (He has a reputation for "hitting it and quitting it", as he's "dated" several girls that I know, lasting for a month or so each) She refused to believe me when I warned her about it and said that all those girls were probably lying because they didn't want to see them be together...*facepalm* -.- But she'll learn, sooner or later. I know for a fact that she'll come crawling back to me, crying and in dismay. I'm just not sure what my decision will be when she does. I know if I take her back, then it would promote this kind of behavior and she may do it again, but on the other hand, she is my true love and I was planning on marrying her one day and raising a beautiful family...I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there, but I have some serious thinking to do in the meantime.

Lastly, an update regarding ME and my mental state: I have been doing some self reflection and learning how I can improve in the future. I have been feeling a little bit better day by day, but am still nowhere near 100%. This past week, I earned an A on an exam, worked 50+ hours and was nominated for and was awarded an Innovation award by my employer for coming up with a cost-saving method that could possibly save hundreds of thousands of dollars company-wide each year, and it included a pretty nice bonus as well! :) I have also been working out much more often in my free time and find that it is an excellent release, physically and emotionally, and of course building up my muscle and strength! I'm taking things slowly; a day at a time for now, and I'm making it by, however barely.
 
Mike93 said:
Lastly, an update regarding ME and my mental state: I have been doing some self reflection and learning how I can improve in the future. I have been feeling a little bit better day by day, but am still nowhere near 100%. This past week, I earned an A on an exam, worked 50+ hours and was nominated for and was awarded an Innovation award by my employer for coming up with a cost-saving method that could possibly save hundreds of thousands of dollars company-wide each year, and it included a pretty nice bonus as well! :) I have also been working out much more often in my free time and find that it is an excellent release, physically and emotionally, and of course building up my muscle and strength! I'm taking things slowly; a day at a time for now, and I'm making it by, however barely.
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Wow--impressive, Mike! What are you studying?
 
herbavore said:
Wow--impressive, Mike! What are you studying?
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For my Bachelor's degree, I'm studying Management Information Systems, and for my Master's degree, I'll be studying Cybersecurity. While her "boyfriend" has no college ambition and makes $12 an hour at some dead-end job.
 
Hello all,

Just wanted to add something. My friend came to me laughing this morning. I asked him what was so funny, and he said that she posted a status professing her "love" for him and how they would be together forever. This caused me to laugh as well because there's almost no chance that someone can be truly in love with someone whom they've known for a very short period of time and does not know their personality traits very well to even judge if they have complementary personalities. Just my daily update! =D
 
Mike93 said:
Hello all,

Just wanted to add something. My friend came to me laughing this morning. I asked him what was so funny, and he said that she posted a status professing her "love" for him and how they would be together forever. This caused me to laugh as well because there's almost no chance that someone can be truly in love with someone whom they've known for a very short period of time and does not know their personality traits very well to even judge if they have complementary personalities. Just my daily update! =D
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haha i read your posts dude. Eeek thats a long relationship. It would only be normal to be depressed. even jelouse, angry, a flurry of emotions i would imagine. But i think over time they will change. In the mean time people who break up always seem to go through this psychosis or sorts 8( if she's not loyal to you now then imagine in 10 years time after you married her, had 5 kids, and THEN you find out she's stuntin behind your back...that would be much worse for a intelligent man who can support himself and a family, but now has a shitty situation where he has a pysco ex. and 5x child support payments while another dude is driving the car you bought her !! :sus:

its better this problem of yours is sorted now. she's not the one mate, take what you've learnt, call up your old friends, tell them why you were missing for so long, they will get you a beer and comfort you as you are released back into that solitary champion of ambition that you are ;)

what went wrong? who knows. i wouldnt try and disect that thought. but choose wisely, the universe will eventually align you and your other half. those years didnt go to waste. think of it as ...practice of sorts hahah.
Ull be ok, focus on you. We are always here. your friends on the interweb :D
 
Hello everyone and thank you for those who have responded since my last message! I wanted to update you all once again. This past Friday, out of nowhere, she made a status ABSOLUTELY TRASHING me. Complete character defamation. She made up lie after lie and played the victim card when she was the one who wronged me! I simply do not understand what drove her to make such a status when we had not spoken in weeks. It was completely random and out of the blue, which still confuses me to this day. Other than that, nothing new, however they have been posting pictures of them kissing and going on adventures literally every single day and I noticed that she sets the post privacy to public, which she had never done before when she posted in the past. This makes me think she's trying to do it so that I see them and somehow have a reaction to it. Obviously it isn't working because I know that they won't work out in the end. Just wanted to update you all and let you know! :)
 
I think it is sickening how people now post personal fights on facebook. Trashing someone publicly is, well...., trashy.
 
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