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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

  • Thread starter Thread starter cj
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cj said:
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. My current dose has stabilized at 2mg of Xanax a day or 1mg every 12 hours. When I use etazolam it can be slightly more because of its shorter halflife like 3 1mg doses a day though I really try to keep 1 of those doses at .5mg if I do that. My goal is to be down to .5mg 2 times a day by this time next month I just have no idea how to do that exactly. I also kinda feel like this regiment is helping my quality of life I am having thoughts of going back to a doctor to get a legit script. My therapist has been on my ass about me downplaying the severity of my anxiety and PTSD and she is right. I deserve to have those symptoms treated and if nothing else the last few weeks I have proven to myself that I can be responsible with my dosing for the most part as long as there isn't a crisis going on in my life.

I also realize I am at the point of no return where if I have supply problems I will have to seek immediate medical help. Which sucks but that's the game I have decided to play.
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best of luck man.
 
I went true benzo withdrawal and it made me crazy for a while, I hated my family so they put me in a mental institute, now I know why
 
lemmon said:
I went true benzo withdrawal and it made me crazy for a while, I hated my family so they put me in a mental institute, now I know why
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I can totally see that happening. the insanity is hard to explain but a very real thing. My tolerance is starting to go up to Xanax I think which is something I didn't take into account. I haven't been doing too good on my taper either. If anything I may have slightly gone in the wrong direction by having too many cheat days where I get a buzz :/. Oh well I have enough to last through the weekend then ill have more money and hopefully a renewed drive to taper. Tapering with short acting benzos is almost impossible though it seems.

I think im gonna bight the bullet and go back to a phych doctor to try and get back on legally prescribed kpin. Just a simpler solution all the way around. Benzos truly do make me a happier more fulfilled person. Why deny myself that you know? They are also used to treat PTSD and anxiety both of which I have been diagnosed with by multiple doctors. So I don't feel like I am gaming the system.

I am also getting my ducks lined up to apply for disability due to PTSD. I just cant hold a job with the symptoms I am currently fighting.
 
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cj said:
I can totally see that happening. the insanity is hard to explain but a very real thing. My tolerance is starting to go up to Xanax I think which is something I didn't take into account. I haven't been doing too good on my taper either. If anything I may have slightly gone in the wrong direction by having too many cheat days where I get a buzz :/. Oh well I have enough to last through the weekend then ill have more money and hopefully a renewed drive to taper. Tapering with short acting benzos is almost impossible though it seems.

I think im gonna bight the bullet and go back to a phych doctor to try and get back on legally prescribed kpin. Just a simpler solution all the way around. Benzos truly do make me a happier more fulfilled person. Why deny myself that you know? They are also used to treat PTSD and anxiety both of which I have been diagnosed with by multiple doctors. So I don't feel like I am gaming the system.

I am also getting my ducks lined up to apply for disability due to PTSD. I just cant hold a job with the symptoms I am currently fighting.
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cj - it's a quality of life issue so don't stress bout taking benzos, but the longer acting would be the best options. I would still take advantage of the benzo opportunity to continue therapy and work on stress/anxiety management techniques.
 
SSID is only going to be about $1,000 per month, unless there's something I am otherwise missing.

I think it's going to be impossible for you to taper with benzodiazepines because of your propensity for using them. Even with a prescription, eventually you'll run out early. You're going to have to face that and figure out something (having a loved one hand them out one per day, etc).
 
Captain.Heroin said:
SSID is only going to be about $1,000 per month, unless there's something I am otherwise missing.

I think it's going to be impossible for you to taper with benzodiazepines because of your propensity for using them. Even with a prescription, eventually you'll run out early. You're going to have to face that and figure out something (having a loved one hand them out one per day, etc).
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Your probably right. I have stabilized at 2mg xanax a day but its really stressful because of supply inconsistencies. Like I have enough to make it through tommorow. If I don't find a source by then shits gonna get ugly. I'll probably try to ride it out at home but it's not going to be fun I know that
 
cj said:
Your probably right. I have stabilized at 2mg xanax a day but its really stressful because of supply inconsistencies. Like I have enough to make it through tommorow. If I don't find a source by then shits gonna get ugly. I'll probably try to ride it out at home but http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/polit...sy/ar-AAkVSGz?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignoutit's not going to be fun I know that
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What's stopping you from going to a hospital, or rehab/detox clinic? Besides fear and how you can't control your benzo use on your own?

There's nothing wrong with being addicted to drugs, and going to rehab/detox, and asking for help to get off of them. With benzos getting off of them yourself is extremely dangerous, and you do risk a seizure and death. Stay safe.

Can you lower your dosage of methadone? Or have your clinic, or doctor do this slowly for you? Or check into a rehab center or hospital for both the Xanax and methadone?
 
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I have just already put my parents through so much bullshit and I promised them I was done fucking up after I got out of the hospital for benzos a few months ago. I also am on 170mg of methadone and I am terrified of just jumping off from that dose with no cushion. I have enough Xanax to get me through tomorrow. If I cant score illicitly I am going to try my luck calling addiction counselors seeing if they can help on an emergency basis. If that's a no go I am going to try to ride it out at home. I figured it up today and I have only been physically addicted again for like 50 days and only at 2mg Xanax a day. I have heard of people surviving worse.

Its just the utter defeat that really sucks. I didn't fuck up this time so much as my supplier is just an unreliable fuck head. All he has to do is turn the powder into liquid with polyethylene glycol. Sour grapes I know. I am just scared. Scared to live scared to die. Scared I may have finally fucked up to the point of being completely fucked. Throw all that into my brain that already has PTSD and well this is what you get. A world of shit.

That sounded way more whiney then I intended for it too. Someone on reddit just set me strait pretty much told me my habit is tiny and I need to man the fuck up. He is right its going to suck but I will get through it hopefully. If not ill get to the ER I guess.
 
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Don't listen to that shit. 'Manning up' won't help withdrawal. I fucking hate that macho shit.

I'd say your parents can probably tell you are on benzo's. For most parents, getting deceived is going to hurt more than realising their dear child is still on drugs. It feels shit burdening people who you love, but its a fact of love that burdens are not so burdensome.
 
swilow said:
Don't listen to that shit. 'Manning up' won't help withdrawal. I fucking hate that macho shit.

I'd say your parents can probably tell you are on benzo's. For most parents, getting deceived is going to hurt more than realising their dear child is still on drugs. It feels shit burdening people who you love, but its a fact of love that burdens are not so burdensome.
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Maybe so but I still feel like I want to try and ride this out if I can bear it. If I cant Ill go to the ER. I got to the 14 hour mark this morning before I dosed .5mg Xanax and it sucked but I didn't feel near death or anything. I have got enough to last the rest of today and maybe a tiny dose in the AM tomorrow so maybe something will work out by then and I can get more.
 
cj how are you doing? I'm going through diazepam withdrawal right now. It sucks big time. I've been here once before, took me about three months until I was through hell and had reached a happy distance away from all the malarkey.

I'm gutted that I am in this place again! I really cannot do this this again, this is it. Having experienced this before I know there is an end so I'm just powering through as best I can and this time I will NEVER return. The intense anxiety, insomnia, crazy head fuckery sh*t and muscle aches is unfathomable. I'm a week and a half on from when the withdrawal hit so it's really kicking my arse right
now.

I have seen a few of your posts around and it's kind of comforting to know I'm not alone although I don't wish this on anyone. Keep going; every day is a day further away.
 
tenderjuice said:
cj how are you doing? I'm going through diazepam withdrawal right now. It sucks big time. I've been here once before, took me about three months until I was through hell and had reached a happy distance away from all the malarkey.

I'm gutted that I am in this place again! I really cannot do this this again, this is it. Having experienced this before I know there is an end so I'm just powering through as best I can and this time I will NEVER return. The intense anxiety, insomnia, crazy head fuckery sh*t and muscle aches is unfathomable. I'm a week and a half on from when the withdrawal hit so it's really kicking my arse right
now.

I have seen a few of your posts around and it's kind of comforting to know I'm not alone although I don't wish this on anyone. Keep going; every day is a day further away.
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Yeah I am kicking myself for ending up back in this situation too. I just got out of it like 2 months ago. The anxiety is by far my worst symptom it constantly feels like I am dying. For some weird reason I don't get insomnia as bad as I do from opiate withdrawal. I just have these really weird periods of sleep where I wake up and feel like I was clenching up all my muscles at the same time. Its weird.

I had my last dose of Xanax exactly 24 hours ago so the main withdrawal is just now starting to set in. It sucks but in a way I am glad my half ass taper attempt is over because the anticipation was bringing me a lot of anxiety. Wondering if I am going to have a seizure or if I will be able to find more benzos ect. Now that its here I am just holding on for the ride so to speak. From what I have read it seems like most people seize on the second or third day of withdrawal so I am going to have a couple beers throughout the day tomorrow to try and stop that from happening. I can get more Xanax on Monday if I desire it but I am hoping I can hold off and not do that because I really want off this rollercoaster but I want to do it safely.

My head is a wreck with weird thoughts regrets hopes ect. I just wish I wasn't such a burden on the people who care about me. Honestly I am scared. I don't know what to do so I am just going to hold on and hope for the best.

Thanks for asking CH. It means a lot to know that people care. Its lonely going through a mind bending withdrawal and having to keep it a secret. I had to drive to the clinic this morning and I couldn't help but thinking how highly irresponsible it was for me to be driving on the interstate while at an elevated risk of seizure. I guess I am a selfish asshole just like my family says I am.
 
cj, how are you feeling today? that is some hardcore, brave action you're taking. keep us posted.

sending my best vibes )) ) ) ) ) ) ) )
 
d'oh... just noticed that i asked how you were doing 1/2 hour or so after you updated us. i thought your note was from last night.

well, the good wishes still stand. ;)
Sim
 
cj said:
Thanks for asking CH. It means a lot to know that people care. Its lonely going through a mind bending withdrawal and having to keep it a secret. I had to drive to the clinic this morning and I couldn't help but thinking how highly irresponsible it was for me to be driving on the interstate while at an elevated risk of seizure. I guess I am a selfish asshole just like my family says I am.
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You're not an asshole. You can't think so negatively about yourself man, it doesn't help. Try to think about all the good traits you have. :)

I never told my family when I came off suboxone, because they probably didn't know I was on it for so many years. They aren't so judgmental but I don't want them to think any less of me than they already do, so I can relate to how you're feeling man. Just don't beat yourself up.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You're not an asshole. You can't think so negatively about yourself man, it doesn't help. Try to think about all the good traits you have. :)

I never told my family when I came off suboxone, because they probably didn't know I was on it for so many years. They aren't so judgmental but I don't want them to think any less of me than they already do, so I can relate to how you're feeling man. Just don't beat yourself up.
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Your probably right I am getting beat up plenty by this withdrawal anyway. I started shaking a little while ago and my eyes keep trying to go cross in my head when I am reading. I have 600mg of gabapentin I was going to save but I think I may take it soon. I can take the feeling I just hope I don't have a seizure.
 
cj said:
Your probably right I am getting beat up plenty by this withdrawal anyway. I started shaking a little while ago and my eyes keep trying to go cross in my head when I am reading. I have 600mg of gabapentin I was going to save but I think I may take it soon. I can take the feeling I just hope I don't have a seizure.
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I'm rooting for you man. :)

Reading is a huge thing for me, it can really help give you something to focus on. Nature shows can also be really relaxing, especially when it's about marine life. %)

I'm doing well myself, all things considered. Will shoot you a PM
 
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