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How many times a year

That has happened to me countless times. It really sucks when I know they are a great match. Everything starts off well, then they can sense the desperation and cut my off without a word. I guess they’d rather be with someone who is already having sex. Or they just find someone better since there are so many options and I'm just a piece of scum. I can't do anything about it, as I am stuck with low self esteem now. The worst part is I have a lot going for me and I am very attractive so it’s like I feel that I am throwing myself in the garbage and wasting this powerful sexual energy. I feel like there are all these rules I am supposed to abide by, which women have created to weed out men like me, which I don't understand as I have never really had the opportunity to understand them. I have tried my ass off and I am fed up. I was fed up at 20, and now it is 8 years later. Once I get my oxy's in a day or two I will start killing off my sex drive again, and soon enough I will be shooting heroin again. That is my one and only... and you could say around 1000 times a year I guess? That's probably how many times that I use. Good on me. But I am 28 and have been with 1 woman who I did not like at all. I was not even physically attracted to her. I clung to her for 4 years out of desperation as during that time I wasn't lonely anymore. I personally think that it is a valid reason to end my life, as the suffering is unbearable - especially when I realize how much sex the average individual is getting. This has literally ruined every aspect of my whole entire life. So I just took the scissors to my arm again and left a lot of marks but it didn't really make me feel better like I thought it would. I guess it's time to weigh out another 20mg xanax to hold me over until I get my oxy's.

I was getting clean and doing really well, but I had forgotten about this problem which I was running away from. Straight back to dope without a millisecond of hesitation. I can't handle sexual frustration this extreme.
 
Have you tried a therapist or psychiatrist? Please talk to someone. Seems like you have a lot going for yourself, but you're just down on yourself at the moment. You can overcome this, but if you end your life, you can't change it. Please reach out for help. Don't throw it all away.
 
Drugs get you high if you try quiting drugs to get high from sex or being in a relationship it wont work. If your miserable before a relationship youll be miserable in one if your miserable without sex youll be miserable with it. If your miserable for longer then two weeks you might have depression .
 
Sex isn't a high or even a concern to me. I am very lonely. Even when I had it all, before I developed chronic spinal pain - I was an engineer with a nice country home, at a young age, with a job I really liked, more money to spend than I knew what to do with except grow good good good dope, and you know what? It wasn't enough. It was the life of my dreams and it wasn't enough because I didn't have anyone to share myself with. I was still too shy to approach women.

I am not greedy. I am not always after something more. It is just that love is the singular thing that I have ever cared about in all my life, and the thing that has always been out of reach. I am a romanticist. I imagined myself getting married young and finding the love of my life and spending the rest of my days with her. What I found were countless college women who preferred to get drunk and sleep with manipulating pricks who wouldn't care about them the next day.

If I tried approaching women, I'd be that guy who she would just shake her head at. Like, get the fuck out of my face, are you even serious? It happened hundreds of times because I never gave up trying, but I eventually realized that I was better off doing drugs that make me numb. The rejection was horrific because I was actually be insulted a lot of the time, for little things like not having my legs open like a man while sitting and keeping my knees together. There are countless incidents that I believe has led to emotional trauma. When I am numb, that way I can focus on creative outlets like my music, and my career, instead of feeling crushing loneliness every moment of every day. Just imagine being 28 and having slept with one woman in all your life, who you didn't even like. Having been rejected hundreds if not thousands of times. I feel like I do not know the other half of my species... they are completely foreign to me. And having the personality I described about where I wish to be strictly monogamous with someone I truly love. It is the single one thing that I care about. No matter how much money, how much drugs, how good a job, how many friends and family... if I don't have that special type of love between a man and a woman, I'm not going to be happy. I'm going to be very lonely.

I was in love for 2 years. It was the best time of my life, it was everything I had imagined it to be and more... even though it was around the time when I started getting hit with panic attacks day after day. When I hurt my back and lost my house and job and had to move back in with family completely broke trying to fix my ruined spine which gave me such excruciating pain, I could not even cook food for myself let alone go for a walk. I was bedridden, coming from being a hardcore athlete and it didn't matter to me, because I had love and she stuck with me through it. I was so deeply in love that any other shit that was going on in my life was worth dealing with.

I am trying a psychologist soon but I don't see how it will help me fall in love. I already talk to a lot of people about this and express my emotions. It's not something you can go looking for, and it's something that I struggle to be happy without. I feel like half the reason I have chronic pain in my spine after that acute injury, and also all the panic attacks, is to distract my mind from the crushing loneliness. It is worse than clinical depression... I now have borderline personality disorder, I self harm all the time, I'm suicidal, I have panic attacks on a daily basis and excruciating chronic pain in my spine. I am so burnt out that I have multiple degrees (masters in engineering physics, and a bachelor of education) and I don't do anything, I just sit at home all day depressed. I was an outstanding teacher and an inspiration to many youth who I could tell really appreciated my efforts (at least some of them). Maybe writing music or reading literature or doing yoga if I'm up for it, but I don't have the confidence to present myself well in interviews or even apply for jobs and write cover letters anymore. I feel that life is too hard to face on my own, and all the other guys make it seem so easy. My ambition has disapparated and I used to be the guy who HAD to get 99% in physics courses or I'd be furious at myself. I went to the best university in my country (in my opinion) and did damn well at that. I'm probably autistic or some shit too that I don't even know about, so I'm getting into a new therapist soon who my mom strongly recommends. Abusing oxycodone is just something that I feel I need to do... I have been through months of withdrawal symptoms, taking my low dose for pain as prescribed and not sniffing heroin all day to be numb, but I have decided to go back to it because of the crushing loneliness. It just sucks because I really did fight. I kicked that shit and I kicked it hard. I fought for my sobriety only to realize that I didn't actually want to be sober.
 
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I feel like I have more female hormones (or yin energy, I guess) because of how passive natured I am. I can sit around for days just meditating. I do not meet the gender stereotype of a man who divides and conquers.

I am trying to accept that these types of relations, in any way, are not for me and never will be. I can fantasize about them all I want, but I will never do anything about it regardless.
 
^have you ever tried to understand your own feelings? Personally we had similar issues and that is why I use to drink and practice self injury the whole "why can't I get a girl" thing use to bother me relentlessly but that's why I said I love me now. I do not know what end I thought having someone would achieve but I clearly found all I need in myself after getting clean. I was missing a love for myself that I thought I needed from someone else because I have all these really great skills but it's all irrelevant if it doesn't make me happy. It does make me happy now so I don't care.

I still am full of self doubt so I come here and say things that I in a sense know to be true based on years of my existence but I don't actually feel that way. So I have all this physical proof I am smart but feel like I'm always failing/not good enough. I would imagine this is why I don't get girls randomly... I am never good enough in my mind why would I be in hers.

I am trying to work on it as sad as it sounds this girl at the convenience store by my work is what I consider to be the most attractive Indian girl I've ever met. I am intrigued by this because she's completely different from myself has a strong accent and who knows what type of life story, I would love to communicate with her outside of small transactions (which we do interact very well like I can't see her responding this way to everyone) I figure I need to get the balls to even ask her name I've asked about her visible tattoo and I bet she has a pretty name so I am actually interested in her answer.

I would imagine to most people it's like just ask her name wtf but I've never had to do that before in my almost 30 years... I've never had to say I think your attractive what's your name/number, not a single time. But its small steps dude you need to get some positive feedback. That's why I'm "practicing" on the girl by my work like by how much she smiles when she sees me and responded to my joking comment of "you know you love me" (she got a little visibly flustered it was cute) you'd think it would be easy but it's not.

Small victories win wars please don't give up if you give up you do lose.
 
Don't give up, ShroomySatori!! Girls go through rejection too. I also have borderline personality disorder. I know how difficult it is. I am not a walk in the park to have a relationship with. There is group therapy for it called DBT. You can also look online and find DBT skills. It is very helpful. So when you see a psychologist, ask about DBT therapy.

I've been through group therapy, now I see a therapist individually. Just having someone to talk to is a big help and it will help you see a different perspective as well. Hopefully you will kick the drugs. I know how it numbs you and that's not good in the long run.

You have a lot to be proud of! You've accomplished a lot and you're only 28 years old. It's not over for you yet. The right girl will come along. The right girl will be understanding and empathetic. If I didn't keep trying with dates, I wouldn't have found a good guy. You can't take yourself completely out of the game. You sound like a catch to me so don't give up dammit!!!! *HUGS*

I was alone for 5 years and faced tons of rejection before I had a relationship that lasted 6+ years in the past. The only way I attracted the right person was to change my attitude. A book called The Power is good to read. When you change your attitude, it makes a world of difference. Law of attraction is real.
 
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Thanks coast to coast, for the kind words of encouragement (and hug, haha). I will check out DBT therapy for sure because my borderline disorder is completely not managed at all right now. I really just makes it worse knowing that I am a catch. If I was some ugly old man, I would be more understanding of this. I'm not.

szuko, I have tried to understand my own feelings. I meditate on a daily basis, I mean all I do is dwell on my past memories and how things went wrong. I personally think the underlying reason is that I was abused sexually as a child when I was 8 years old and too little to understand what happened. I block out most of the memories, but more than enough is evident that I am certain of it. Basically I am just completely fucked up at this point dude and need serious help before I wind up dead. So I am going to a psychologist to start. I want to see if they can figure out the sex abuse without me explicitly mentioning it. I'm not abusing opiates anymore, I have been thinking of starting again though (not related to cravings or withdrawal, I am well past that spending two months in agony).

Doesn't sound sad about the Indian girl at all. I 'practice' too... I have a very attractive friend in the states a couple years older who I talk to on a daily basis and she really boosts my self esteem. She is always going out of her way to compliment me and they are very real compliments about my personality, looks, etc. If she were closer it would have already happened but she is considered too crazy to be allowed into my country due to a criminal record. We joke about running away together. The are a million and one barriers that keep us apart, but it is good to know that someone so attractive could develop a huge crush on me. She says it is refreshing as she hasn't felt that way about someone in years.

I'm just going to put this on hold for now as I consider myself too fucked up to do anything about it. There is nothing that I can do because I am simply too shy to go forward with anything. I am also socially isolated, so I don't even really get a chance to meet women anymore. I lost all of my friends when I was abusing heroin, apart from a couple who live in other countries now. If I had any sort of social life at all, things might be very different.

For now, I will focus on things that I know will result in some kind of achievement or success as opposed to pointless rejection: specifically, my guitar playing. Even my grandma enjoys my melodic, semi-grungy, kinda rhythmic and funky post-hardcore shredding and it's good to take my mind off women=D so long as I block that shit out of my mind somehow... I'm chill... it's really just triggered when I meet someone I really like and can't ever have a chance with, so I just try to avoid women in general now and hide out in my flat.

Normally when I want to succeed, I will work my ass off, and try something different - whether it is with guitar, science theory, career interviews, learning something new. Normally, I will fight until I achieve success - for instance, with opioid withdrawal. It was easy for me to get through because all it was, was just a fight. With this shit, it seems like the harder I try, the more desperate I seem. If I try less hard, I come across as not putting enough effort in or whatever. I just cannot figure it out and I don't understand why there has to be so much pressure on men to do this. There is nothing that could ever be more complicated and I think I prefer just getting a hit. I feel like a fuckin frustrated mountain goat with the weaker horns or whatever that loses the battle and just can't pass on my genetics. I feel like I am an animal that missed out because I sold myself short. It has sure improved my guitar playing and creativity as I am forced to channel the fucking crushing loneliness and misery into something good.

Also, loneliness is felt as a physical feeling in my body too, not just my mind. It begins in my mind and I experience it as undulating rushing waves of sadness in the core of my being - kind of like when you are driving and your stomach drops going down a steep hill, but in a wavelike manner. It's a horrible feeling and hard to describe... the loneliness permeates every cell of my body. It feels better just to cry but that isn't always possible.

I wish that I was an ugly, stupid, worthless piece of genetic trash so this did not eat me alive every moment of every day. Well I just took 10 xanax bars worth of alprazolam powder, fuckin 20mg because I cannot handle these feelings. I know what I'm like and how I get. I will be feeling this way until I get laid again. I've felt this way for years and years on end in the past, I at least need to start abusing opiates again instead of benzos and soon I will. I just need some heroin fuck. Make this go away I wouldnt even be writing this if I had it. Wouldn't mean shit to me anymore, I'd have me and my dope.
 
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This thread has certainly developed into more then what I initially expected.

szuko000 said:
I would imagine to most people it's like just ask her name wtf but I've never had to do that before in my almost 30 years... I've never had to say I think your attractive what's your name/number, not a single time.
Click to expand...

Yeah it takes practice. I mean, no one knows how to go about this until they take a chance and see what happens. I experimented a lot when I travelled overseas because I was approaching women that I would likely never see again, there was no chance that I would run into them again through social circles, work or every day routines. This made rejections easier to deal with and there were quite a couple, even a few times where I mis-read a girl's body language and instead of a kiss I got the cheek.. but of course there were also many instances where the girl was waiting for me to make a move and it was a matter of me getting over mental obstacles and my internal monologue saying 'fuck it', taking action and seeing everything click into place.

The problem as I've started to find out these last couple of years is unless you continually exercise approaching/flirting with women you will lose that social fluidity, it still surprises me where I was a couple of years ago compared to now. What was easy then seems like an impossibility now because I'm so out of practice. I've found the same pattern with social anxiety, the more frequently I socialise the more adept I am.. the more I act like a hermit the harder the initial push is but I think that can be applied to almost everything. You just have to keep applying yourself.

My issue is relationships. I suck at them, big time. Longest one I've had was 3 months. Compromising drives me nuts, and feeling dependent on someone else or them to me.. Don't get me wrong, I love that feeling of being loved and 'whole' but I am admittedly a control freak which is starting to become more apparent to me and it drives me to be ultra self-sufficient in life so any situation where I have to depend on someone else makes me really uncomfortable. There's a lot of shit I have to work through..
 
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