How many times a year

[bomber]

^The differense is that a girl with out confidence will end up with anybody while a guy with out confidense will end up with nobody.

 

[szuko000]

^ Confidence is necessary, that's true. Then again, I'm not quick to judge guys in certain circumstances. Confidence for women is really important or you will end up with just anyone. Not good. I've been kind to guys in bad circumstances and they treated me like shit in the end. I needed to raise my confidence in order to meet a decent guy. I'm glad I didn't give up or I wouldn't have met a quality guy.

Yeah its more of a personal thing, feeling like a (almost) 30 year old loser who lives with his parents and now doesnt have a car. I have all of these unique aspects that make me pretty amazing but its never gotten me laid because i usually lack confidence or dont see the point in trying.

But from what I know about people effort and determination its largely because i dont try but then again living in my parents home means i cant really bring random girls over so meh hopefully in another 6 months LOL (sad thing is thats not even that long to me its been 11ish as of now.)

 

[JessFR]

Yeah its more of a personal thing, feeling like a (almost) 30 year old loser who lives with his parents and now doesnt have a car. I have all of these unique aspects that make me pretty amazing but its never gotten me laid because i usually lack confidence or dont see the point in trying.

But from what I know about people effort and determination its largely because i dont try but then again living in my parents home means i cant really bring random girls over so meh hopefully in another 6 months LOL (sad thing is thats not even that long to me its been 11ish as of now.)

Could be worse, there's a lot of guys in your position but whom are virgins too and have never not lived at home. You at least have had two long term relationships, that's pretty good.

I think id rather be homeless than live with my mom, but that's me and that's my mom.

 

[szuko000]

^yeah that's why I do not want a relationship. Pretty sure I'm fine with being single and not having kids forever... both seem like a waste of time and effort. I'd just like to get laid, probably like most normal people

 

[JessFR]

^ I much prefer being in a relationship than being single. and probably will want kids one day.

Unless you're very fat and or unattractive somehow or have a very bad personality. I'm sure you with the right approach you could easily get laid as much as you want. You just gotta be where girls who also wanna get laid are, talk you them, have good social skills, and suggest it. Or you can skip that and use one of those apps that match up people who want to get laid

If they just wanna get laid they won't care and may not even care to know your living arrangements. Just go to her place or wait for your parents to be gone.

 

[szuko000]

^ I much prefer being in a relationship than being single. and probably will want kids one day.

I just spent the majority of my adult life in relationships between 2 different girls and I honestly can say both went well and ended organically. First one we went to different colleges and tried the long distance thing but nah. second we met sober fell into iv heroin addiction got clean and became more like brother and sister. I understand why people want relationships and kids but until i meet a girl that changes all of this id prefer neither, for once i get to be me and as it turns out I had a lot of talents and shit i never utilized

But all of that just puts me in a place where not once in my life have i tried to get a girl. So thats really what I personally lack is the experience and the idea of "it will happen" that comes from that. I have a great deal of confidence in regards to myself just not in this particular thing. I know from what ive seen it basically is just a matter of trying... much like everything in life i think if i tried i would succeed its just a matter of me getting the social confidence to try. Never had to ask for a number, never had to ask to take them home or anything, the few ones i did get literally fell into my lap on their own

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Haha When a girl really wants it, she wants it. I had times where all I wanted was to get laid after a long relationship where the sex got boring. Now, I'm going to try for a relationship with this amazing guy I'm seeing. I definitely do NOT want kids. The thought makes me sick. haha

 

[malakaix]

Bored as, how often you guys get with someone per year, mine is pretty sad

When I'm travelling.. every couple of weeks/month. When I'm back home maybe once or twice a year (work takes up my time and energy and I generally feel less motivated).

^yeah that's why I do not want a relationship. Pretty sure I'm fine with being single and not having kids forever... both seem like a waste of time and effort. I'd just like to get laid, probably like most normal people

I'm nearing my 30's and I'm starting to think this will be the case for me also. I can imagine a relationship, but I hate wasting people's time if they end up wanting something serious and I don't... but children ask for to much of a lifestyle change. I wouldn't rule it out completely but I've built my life around supporting just myself and I like it. Of course my entire perspective could shift in my 30's and want to settle down somewhere.. which is why I remain open to the possibility.

 

[Snake_Eyes]

I'm abstinent/celibate or whatever you want to call it, the sex isn't being had.

 

[d1nach]

Girls have cooties.

 

[szuko000]

Well nice to know it's not just me. I gave up talking about it because it's not something that complaining about or discussing helps. Then there is the whole idea that it's normal for males to have a lot of sex partners etc, makes me want to avoid the whole conversation in general. Believe me being in 2 great relationships where you can say "we both ended up better off because of it" doesn't buy points with guys when they are talking about girls

I suppose nothing can be perfect and if the one thing I am not great at is approaching random people for friendship or sex it's not so bad. Most days I am over joyed to be me anyway and like literally everything else in life once I get fed up and try ill get results.

But just remember getting upset about it and feeling you can't doesn't do you any favors.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

You said you're overjoyed to be yourself most days, that's awesome! I guess when you feel like that, there wouldn't be much motivation to look for someone else. I honestly hope I can have a relationship someday, but my problem is not having the energy to keep one going. It's tiring as fuck. It's a miracle I was with someone 6+ years before.

So I kinda feel like if I ever had a relationship, the guy would have to give me space. I can't deal with seeing someone a lot, too draining...maybe depression has gotten worse and makes me feel like I can't go the distance with someone else.

You're right when you said "Getting upset about it and feeling you can't doesn't do you any favors."

 

[szuko000]

I think it's the feedback loop of "i can't get anyone so I suck" that leads to not getting anyone and perpetuating that idea. I spent my college years in alcoholic depression followed by heroin/crack addiction. Now after all that trying to turn off my brain and emotions ive embraced who I am. No one is like me and some days I truly amaze myself for things I won't get into but it's all enough to know I'm special and would not want to be any other person in existence.

Really what I'm hoping is once I get beyond this idea of living with my parents or move out I'm hoping to see what was holding me back was me hating myself. I am my own worst critic so I do a great job of over analyzing everything and finding reasons why she wouldn't be into me or I'm not into her.

I'm not trying to derail the thread into it being just me but I feel a lot of us probably have similar issues in regards to social hang ups and self view. I think because these are not solid things behaviors can be changed if they are addressed and worked on. Basically "a couple of yeses will lead you to think it is possible rather then not and thus change your feelings on the subject"

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah its more of a personal thing, feeling like a (almost) 30 year old loser who lives with his parents and now doesnt have a car. I have all of these unique aspects that make me pretty amazing but its never gotten me laid because i usually lack confidence or dont see the point in trying.

But from what I know about people effort and determination its largely because i dont try but then again living in my parents home means i cant really bring random girls over so meh hopefully in another 6 months LOL (sad thing is thats not even that long to me its been 11ish as of now.)

Yeah dude, that's me right there it seems like. Lack of confidence was my life problem. I have an engineering degree, but I sit in a basement all day unemployed. I don't have the confidence to apply for any jobs right now (but that is drug related at this point). Actually, I am just too smart to apply for another job until I am clean because I know what happens with the heroin. Everyone else who graduated from my class are very successful... making 100k, they own houses and cars and stuff. I can tell I am (very) attractive enough as I get attention from many women without coming on to them, as I guess they can sense my inner unrealized confidence, or something, and I am at the peak age of when I would be most attractive to women. But I cannot ever bring myself to make it go anywhere. I have a history of memories of rejection from when I was younger. When I was younger, I was just a soft-spoken pussy about it. That isn't the case anymore... I have a strong mind and I am prepared to tackle this.

Being anti-social isn't the problem, as I like to talk to people everywhere; it is being unable or unwilling to take things anywhere. I got into my first relationship at 23, and it lasted 4 years. I feel like I was clinging to it and wanted out long before it happened. We definitely fell in love but the relationship turned to shit because I wasn't being very selective. It was just so damn nice to have a girl in my life for once, but I eventually realized that we were completely wrong for each other. It just sucked and the breakup was fairly recent. I feel like she helped me realize that I am in fact physically attractive and have some personal qualities that are great, like my sense of humour. I am at least comfortable with my sexuality now and way more confident at least internally. I used to think I had a small penis (lol... that is just completely not even true... there was just no chick around to tell me... I maybe could have used a measuring tape?). Ahaha, I can't believe I used to be uncomfortable about that. I think my girlfriend was dating my penis more than myself.

Now I am a recovering heroin addict. The opiate abuse has to go because I'm not going to be that pussy with no testosterone near-30 anymore. When it had destroyed my drive for sex, I could focus on shit in my life better than ever before but it's just not right. I get panic attacks all day every day, well at least I used to before the benzos. I also have very bad chronic pain in my spine. From the age of 15 to 23, I experienced constant anger, depression, and darkness due to sexual frustration. I felt loneliness every minute of every day, even if I was around friends or at concerts or parties. Never got laid the whole time. Never talked about it, never told anyone. Anyways... you're not alone. I talk to a lot of women now, and I have no issues at all with that. It is more what to do when I realize we like each other. Even when it is evident someone is attracted to me, and I am in return, I just won't do anything. I feel like a burnout, and I am. Borderline junkie burnout here. I have been reflecting on my past, and its hard for me to remember, but I used to dwell on this literally all day every day. I couldn't focus on my studies, I couldn't be happy around my friends, I couldn't focus on my hobbies, as I was completely and totally overwhelmed by loneliness. Having a lot of sex and fun times over those relationship years helped a lot I think, but now I feel like I am clinging and want to go back to her because I sense the challenge that lies ahead. And she messes with my head constantly trying to get me back. Even though she is poison to me at this point and I know that.

For instance, there is this cute girl at the health food store. She knows a lot about nutrition and healthy stuff like me so we have had some interesting conversations. She will go out of her way to be nice to me, and give me those subtle cues that I always notice, but that I won't act on. I can't bring myself just to ask her on a date even though I know I totally could and I know exactly what to say in this context. Sucks. I do not have a weak-minded personality, I am not overly soft spoken, I am not shy, or anything like that. I am a very likeable man. I honestly just don't get it at all. I never get worked up about someone enough to psych myself out. I basically know what I am doing but refuse to do it. I guess, I can never find the right words to ask someone out, and if someone hits on me out of the blue it kind of just spooks me. And then I will think back, and be like, what the fuck were you thinking? Would have been easy...

I recently stopped abusing the oxycodone, maybe things will get better now. Well... of course they will, if I had been given the option of a bottle of 80's over somehow predictably the best sex of my life, I would have taken the 80's with glee. I went through a fucking hardcore detox. If I can kick that shit, I can get a girl's number. I don't feel lonely like I used to, there is no point in that. I would describe my old self as a weak-minded pussy. Presently I feel infuriated, and frustrated, and just that I want to fuck for once in my life outside of that one relationship. It isn't the same, I have changed a lot, and my breakup was fairly recent. I'm sure that I will find my way soon enough. It isn't just about the sex I genuinely like meeting women and making a connection. Although I am horny as hell too. I also much more understand the type of women I am into now. I reject people too... especially if they are the immature type to play those stupid fucking texting games. I don't even bother with that bullshit. I am not gonna be the 50th shade of guy on some attention-seeking woman's cell phone. I just don't even really like people who text a lot to get to know people and grab numbers everywhere.

Confidence is not my issue. I have it. Women can sense it and I see that. Everyone can. Interviews are no problem either. I get jobs quick, and lose them quickly because I am in and out of withdrawal at work trying to afford and supply myself with heroin and oxy's. So I put everything on hold to address my heroin, oxycodone, dilaudid problems now. Benzos I just need right now, I am a panic freak. I kind of feel like I am just a drug burnout now... I quit abusing opiates very recently after 4 years of abuse and I still have slip-ups. I did coke the other day, and I don't even like coke. It gives me massive panic attacks. I was watching Boogie Nights, and monkey see, monkey do. I feel like I just need to get over my opiate addiction, get out more often, start working (would be nice to get laid first... more of a priority), put more distance between my past relationship (I really did love her), and then everything will fall into place. This shit doesn't make me sad like it used to though. Just makes me infuriated and very frustrated. Anyways... just needed to vent. I think one of my best qualities is my sense of humour. It's really more of an opiate-related drug problem at this point... I can't get laid as a junkie as I am fulfilled by other means. And I need to give it time with my breakup. I told her I never wanted to see her ever again, but she is constantly trying to get me back, and it is messing with my emotions. I know for sure that meeting someone new would help me a lot to get over her.

I don't even feel like I am desperate. I am very selective now. This isn't holding me back, just pissing me off. I don't even really feel like this is a problem anymore. I really just have to stop abusing that heroin and oxy as it fucks my whole life up, this is just one aspect of that. I am light-hearted about this, though. It's pretty fucking funny to me actually, as I know I'll turn out just fine so long as I keep off those hard drugs. And the sex will be sooooo good when I get it again. I'm just going to have some explaining to do when I finish in a millisecond. "My testosterone is low, from all the heroin, sorry! And now I am like a horny 15 year old boy again since my dick was numb for a few years. Let's just go another 10 times eh, and maybe I can work my way up to 30 seconds?" I am going to have to find the humour in that. Makes me laugh what a loser I am, but my brain still feels fried from all the heroin and oxy. I am still waking up. Just got out of acute withdrawal and I keep doing stupid shit and slipping up. I was dumb enough to have dilaudid laying around and about a week ago just fried my brain with the shit. Haven't felt right since... I know it's not brain damage from pills but it sure as hell feels that way when you have anhedonia and want to kill yourself. Man... opiates are just bad news. I am a fool, and I feel sorry for the next girl who falls for my silly tricks.

It felt great to get this shit out. I could care less if anyone reads through my essay on sexual frustration. I don't think I would have got through the first paragraph. Time to focus on more important shit... have breakfast and pick up my guitar. Think of some more health supplements and foods to pick up later this week ; ) ... I have to at least try or I'll regret it.

 

[szuko000]

When I say confidence I'm speaking more in regards to getting laid. I am brimming over with confidence because of all i have been through and all the training i have received, I double majored in chemistry/psychology (i joke that i minored in biology too... it was unofficial but i took a lot of classes) and spend all day studying various interests. This means that in any typical setting i view myself as the most intelligent and capable in any room. My ex says thats almost part of the problem is I feel a strong disconnect when people want to talk about TV, sports, shopping... none of those interest me.

As far as selectivity when it comes to getting laid i wouldnt really care about who she was in a sense. If i was going to select a g/f that is different because i cant tolerate most people they are stupid and have terrible priorities. I will probably wait until i go back to school or something.

My issue is for all that i am, intelligent, funny, confident, amazingly good looking I do not have a good position in life. It would be hard to get a girl at first pass based on those facts as i dont have a car and live with my parents... what am i suppose to do ask her for a ride to her place, i cant even ask for a number hahaha

The way i see it is while all the normal people sit around talking about meaningless trivial matters i am literally advancing myself in the fields i studied in college to the point where the last 12 months have taught me more about chemistry then 3 years majoring in it at Uconn. There has to be something at the end of the road for me if i keep advancing myself, it also amounts to tangible skill rather then "ive slept with 25 girls, be jealous" yeah well you should see what i can do to manipulate this physical world and how comfortable i am with myself and alone. Its all about how you view yourself

 

[ShroomySatori]

Do you not think that sounds a tad narcissistic man? Automatically considering yourself the smartest in the room and all? Dude... I am an engineering physicist man. I read physics books in my spare time and all sorts of stuff... I'm not saying I'm smarter than anyone because I'm not. I consider myself a dumbass. It sounds to me like you should humble yourself a little. There are so many smart people out there other than just you. If you think you are superior to people with more ubiquitous interests, that isn't true. You just have to make an effort to find people with common interests like science, and maybe something a little more tangible to most women/people in general (like... nutrition or something... you said you were into biology so you might do well with someone who studied health sciences or biochem or something like that, since you would have a starting point there). A lot of people would find your intelligence attractive if you went about it the right way.

Oh okay, it is never really about 'getting laid' for me all too much. I have to make an emotional connection with someone first. Is that not the point. Obviously, your parents are not going to want different girls in and out of your house all the time, but is that really what you want anyway? I would rather have one person I care about, personally, and I don't see how your family could interfere with that.

I totally avoid social scenarios where people talk about things I am disconnected to - which are similar to what you mentioned: sports, for instance. Fuckin hate when people sit around watching sports, so I never put myself in that situation. I will prefer to meet people outside of social gatherings or parties, since I don't even go to those. I prefer to chat someone up who I sense is interesting in some way. You can meet interesting people anywhere.

I don't think it matters at all that you live with your parents, or that you don't have a car. That is only a problem, if you view it as a problem, or if you choose to spend all your time alone. Sure it could make things more complicated, but lots of people are in the same situation these days.

I'm just saying man... sounded quite narcissistic to me the way you were writing, and that is a turnoff to women. I have been in just one long term relationship I am not trying to give advice or anything... you just came across as on a high horse or something like that. I thought it was really weird how you made the distinction "normal people" - as if you are classifying most humans into this stereotypical category that is so below you and your ambition that they are not even worth talking to.

Man... the way you joked about it, asking for her number. That's actually funny as fuck man, why not make a joke of the situation? If you told a girl who was interested in you, I'd ask for your number if I could, but I don't have one because I am that much of a loser... or some shit... like she'd probably be flattered man in a way. It sounds like you are taking it way too seriously. I mean, obviously you won't be at your parents place forever - you sound really smart. I'm just saying, don't sell yourself short because you live with your parents dude. That's crazy when you have that much going for you - but also, try not to come across as superior to 'normal' people - I guarantee you there is someone out there who can learn an order of magnitude faster than you with much less effort. I'm just saying dude... nobody is that special. Make a joke out of your current predicament and if you can make her laugh about it too, you should do just fine. So long as you let her know it obviously isn't a permanent placement. It's not like you are gonna be there forever.

I live in a fucking basement, I've only been broken up for a couple months and I've met lots of new women, just nobody I am all that interested in yet except the health food store chic. I am also flat broke. She is so obviously more knowledgeable than myself in terms of health and nutrition, which is rad. I'd like to find out more about her. Dude like I've joked about her regarding all my mental illness and how I need all these supplements for panic attacks and shit... I am just making her laugh and smile making fun of myself... it doesn't matter man, you just have to be comfortable with your situation. I pretty much just have to find an intelligent way of going about asking her out on a date. I'm thinking of seeing if she'd like to borrow a book I am reading that I know she would be interested in, and leaving a cute little note with my phone number inside for her. So unless you are out to get kill counts or some shit... I have no comment regarding that.

 

[szuko000]

My self view and outward portrayal are 2 separate things. I am massively empathetic and dont actually voice my opinion until asked so its not narcissistic as much as an observed occurrence. There are people on this message board smarter then myself obviously but they are not in the common rooms i typically enter Narcissism would mean i put others down because i think that way as that is not the case its more of an inflated ego however since i dont even talk about my interests as they are not the same as most it never leaves my head thus its more of an idea then an issue. I totally get what your saying and when i speak of myself, as i do view myself highly, i can sound egotistical however who actively talks about themselves in comparison to others anyway?

I am very personable and people love me i just have issues sealing the deal sort of speak. That was always my issue in college i make friends easy people think im great but i separate them into groups so if your my friend then you get friend zoned lol. The major failing on myself is initiation and follow through, that is to say if i start a conversation with a female i wont follow through the whole thing and then if i dont initiate conversation i obviously dont have one. I have been told by girls at bars i am attractive but if im there having fun i wont pursue anything. Basically all i have to do is change my behavior in social situations and it will work, i know this its just enacting it thats hard.

And as far as my living situation is concerned its partly because i myself am fed up of living at home. My situation at my parents house doesnt allow me for much space to myself basically have to walk through the house to get to my room and my parents are literally always up (mother goes to sleep at 2am always has) Like i said i really cant complain, one doesnt succeed if he does not try and as of this point i have not tried. I do thank you for the words of encouragement

 

[ShroomySatori]

Hey dude, I didn't mean to call you out as a narcissist - I think my impression was a little off, just regarding a couple things you said. Besides, I am borderline haha. Probably because you are working hard at your studies independently and are proud of it. I think I've learned more about physics on my own than in my undergrad actually. Much more. Good point - narcissists have no empathy... inflated ego would be a better description if you still have empathy for others. I have one too : p

I was thinking that like, you would brag about your education and intelligence and stuff to people. I don't think you sound like that anymore. It's really best to wait until she asks right? Then you can blow her mind with your interesting educational background. But yeah... finding stimulating social situations can be challenging these days. I don't drink alcohol and it makes it tough to fit in when most everyone I know seems to like to get wasted on the weekends.

I have the same issue - sealing the deal. That is the toughest part for me and I just need to grow some balls. I always wonder if she is single or not. That is why I am trying to come up with some innovative kind of way to approach this chick and actually put some effort in this time. And believe me I am fed up of my living situation too... I can probably relate more than you'd think. I spent my entire youth not trying, never blaming myself, and expecting that if I took care of myself as best I could that the girl of my dreams would flock to me. It doesn't work like that.

I wouldn't worry about where you fit into the intelligence spectrum too much. I am like that too. I want to learn and apply as much as I possibly can in this incarnation, and my ex girlfriend didn't like it very much when I would get obsessed in pursuit of personal interests. That is one reason why we are not together anymore, among many others.

Best of luck... admittedly I just need to get the fuck laid at this point as well - been a fucking while man. I want it to be great though and not random so I'm willing to wait for something special. It really starts to get frustrating after several months, hence the essay I wrote above, and I am always on the edge a little bit, particularly regarding this topic. So I apologize if I offended you in some way. My impression is of course influenced by my present cognitive state, which is a trainwreck.

We can do all this science shit but can't get any pussy. Haha. My pet peeve is when people call it a dry spell after 2 weeks... try a year maybe? Makes me crazy.

 

[szuko000]

No offense taken, i just know im not a narcissist because im too empathetic. My coworkers will say that about me when i go off on something but nah im just egotistical and have an inflated sense of self sometimes, but i never put anyone down to further my own goals.

And I dedicate myself fully to a relationship to the point where i will not really engage in personal interests as mine are often solitary in nature. A relationship is a compromise between two people so i would give up my individuality for my previous relationships, thats why i said im empathetic... i would do anything to make my S/O happy. That created a vacuum once we decided to dissolve the relationship, still friends with her but im not tied to her 24/7 so forgive me if i seem arrogant, finally being able to push the limits of my own personal growth has left me with a bit of an inflated head

But I am socially aware enough to have learned that "the room" does not appreciate intellect as much as i do so in the event that something does need explaining i know to keep it to 2 or 3 sentences. You do not want to lose the ability to gauge how people view you so believe me i am way way different in person

On the no alcohol thing.. i use to supplement with ketamine before it disappeared from the area and twice over the summer i had girls at bars approach me right after doing a line and both times i was far too high to really do anything other then respectfully decline their offer to get drinks because at that point i was a half functioning retard who was there to have fun... thats what i mean by "going out and having fun and not trying"

When i say I want to meet a girl in college its tough because of who i am. I am obviously (to me not others) intelligent, motivated, driven... i would like to meet someone like that but at the same time i go to shows and rail so much K i cant even say "excuse me im thirsty" so she needs to be down with that in a sense too. I was lucky with both of my previous long term relationships in that they were both more like me then i knew at first, more so the most recent. To me this means that i will automatically be able to tell if they are compatible with me somehow.

It has been a while and I would love to make a whole "lets motivate each other though ideas and feedback" but im not sure if i am ready yet. Like i said, which i know is all on me, but my overt failings of not having a car and living with my parents... i am actively saving for a car like crazy (1500 in 7 weeks i pay bills and stuff too) so once i get that i will at least feel like i can go "do you want to go somewhere else *wink wink*" without having to go "cool.... can you drive or should i call an uber?"

Yeah and can you image that my ex and i are best friends and she managed to get a one night stand and complain to me about it lol. I mean i did my best to consul her about the dude being an ass but like really your going to complain to me about getting laid then scold me for "not being as understanding as i should" but thats what spurred me to care about it myself...

 

[ShroomySatori]

This is the underlying reason, as to why I have been suicidal since I hit puberty. I have been killing myself slowly for several years, but it's nice to be using heroin and have no sex drive that only frustrates and angers me when it should be such a beautiful thing. I'd prefer not to use it, but heroin satisfies me in a sick sort of way, that really should be coming from a beautiful woman around my age with common interests who I can share myself with. I just don't see it happening, so I will use to the death.

When I quit, I can get through the withdrawals just fine as I am used to suffering crushing loneliness constantly anyway, but then I remember why I use to begin with - I am too shy to follow through with anything and get a woman in my life. I experience crushing loneliness 24/7 and soon I will be gone, as there is something fundamentally wrong with me which makes it impossible, not to attract the opposite sex, but to do anything about it. I am not accepting of this and I look forward to my next incarnation. Engineer dead at 28 over some stupid fucking social games that I'll never understand. All the pressure is on the men, and that's cool, but I never had the balls to make it in this regard. I look forward to overdosing myself in the very near future, and I have already started recklessly using raw xanax and etizolam powders in the 10 to 20mg range when my tolerance is more like 2mg of that stuff to keep me calm. I'm just destroying my brain for the fun of it. It's just going to be good not to be sexually frustrated in this human form anymore. Anything is better than that, as I am tortured constantly by it and have developed chronic mental and physical illness as a result after 13 years of hell. I have tried, and failed, so I know that it's finally time to end my life. I look forward to it.