Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

[the last dose]

I've come to this thread late, which I'm sorry about because, man, cj, this is rough. All I can add is a bit of reflection about the feeling of having really gone around the bend mentally. About three months ago, my long-term depression cratered; I got psychotic--hearing voices, mean voices. I tried to kill myself twice in a week, I was so freaked out...felt like there was no path back to sanity.

Now, all this is still a work in progress. But at the time I got lucky. A friend barged his way into my house (which I'd holed up in). He convinced me that I wasn't myself and that I was making bad decisions. That led to me recuperating in the psych ward.

This is all to say, if there are people whom you trust (on SL or wherever), when we're feeling lost from ourselves is a great time to lean on their advice. I know a lot of folks on BL care what happens to you. One of them is me. Maybe try to let yourself outsource some of the decision-making?

All this is just a suggestion. I'm rooting for you regardless of were you go next.

I just read CJs post also, really makes my hell seem less hang in there CJ when its the darkest and seems like no way out, you climb out and later look back on how close you were to making a bad decision in the moment great advice simco

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've come to this thread late, which I'm sorry about because, man, cj, this is rough. All I can add is a bit of reflection about the feeling of having really gone around the bend mentally. About three months ago, my long-term depression cratered; I got psychotic--hearing voices, mean voices. I tried to kill myself twice in a week, I was so freaked out...felt like there was no path back to sanity.

Now, all this is still a work in progress. But at the time I got lucky. A friend barged his way into my house (which I'd holed up in). He convinced me that I wasn't myself and that I was making bad decisions. That led to me recuperating in the psych ward.

This is all to say, if there are people whom you trust (on SL or wherever), when we're feeling lost from ourselves is a great time to lean on their advice. I know a lot of folks on BL care what happens to you. One of them is me. Maybe try to let yourself outsource some of the decision-making?

All this is just a suggestion. I'm rooting for you regardless of were you go next.

I think this is really good advice. Sadly I don't think he (cj) has many trust worthy people in his life, or at least not that many people he feels safe enough to share his struggles with, understandably!

cj:

You have suffered more than most people will ever know brother. Keep pushing forward and hold your head up. You'll only get where you want to be if you keep trying! You're more than capable of achieving your goals, it's just a matter of figuring out the basics first.​

 

[cj]

I've come to this thread late, which I'm sorry about because, man, cj, this is rough. All I can add is a bit of reflection about the feeling of having really gone around the bend mentally. About three months ago, my long-term depression cratered; I got psychotic--hearing voices, mean voices. I tried to kill myself twice in a week, I was so freaked out...felt like there was no path back to sanity.

Now, all this is still a work in progress. But at the time I got lucky. A friend barged his way into my house (which I'd holed up in). He convinced me that I wasn't myself and that I was making bad decisions. That led to me recuperating in the psych ward.

This is all to say, if there are people whom you trust (on SL or wherever), when we're feeling lost from ourselves is a great time to lean on their advice. I know a lot of folks on BL care what happens to you. One of them is me. Maybe try to let yourself outsource some of the decision-making?

All this is just a suggestion. I'm rooting for you regardless of were you go next.

Hearing voices was in the top 5 most terrifying situations of my life without a doubt. Luckily I was in the hospital when it started and ended so I wasn't in any danger but its hell. I also knew what was causing it which helped me mentally. I couldn't imagine going through that at home without a crystal clear reason why it was happening. I am so glad you are feeling better now. I have had a couple phych ward stays myself and while its not a great place to be I am really glad its there for when things like that happen. I am really glad your friend was there for you like that as well. I have lost all my close friends through the years and while I am really blessed my parents are supportive there is nothing like close friends. That's why I feel so lucky to have you guys/gals in my life right now. I cant thank everyone enough for the support advice and empathy. Its a little overwhelming I don't feel worthy but its damn nice to have .

Your so right about delegating decision making right now to other people. Its hard for me to accept that its necessary because I am stubborn and I feel like I am already so far behind on the road to adulthood. I also struggle with trust and my parents are not as well educated as you guys on what I need but I am just going to let go and let it happen cause I am not capable of helping myself right now. I wish there was a rehab where I could like stay on methadone but they all wanted me off maintenance a precursor to even outpatient treatment. I could really use that structure right now. I know isolating myself is unhealthy but it just kind of happening that way right now.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my entire life. Seeing how close I am to the ledge is terrifying like its not a kids game anymore. Like when I applied for Medicaid and listed all my diagnosis it really hit home I am a drug addicted and severely mentally ill. Really scary. I have had 3 serious suicide attempts and a handful of "crys for help". It almost doesn't feel real like I catch myself not grasping the full scope of the situation. Then I write it out and I am like damn..... this is fucked.

Anyway I am approaching 72 hours of no sleep so im going to try and do that for a little while now if I can. For some reason I have a terrible time sleeping after I pass 48 hours awake. I cant even express how much each of you means to me. From the bottom of my heart thank you! I hope you all have really awesome days today.

 

[simco]

So sorry you got shaken up like that; sounds fucking scary. I know it was scary as hell for me when it really sunk in how sick I was. But it was the biggest relief simply to throw my hands up and ask someone else to take the wheel for a while while I started in on the project of getting well.

Even if someone in your corner doesn't choose the *best* outcome, as long as they really have your back, it very likely that they will help you avoid a really *bad* outcome. And at times like this, simply hanging onto what you've got (however small) is key.

You're gonna feel better than this. It really does get better. Meanwhile, we're all here for you.

 

[Moreaux]

Its alright I guess. I haven't slept in 48 hours so that's always fun but I don't feel too horrible. I had one of the low points of my life yesterday. My methadone counselor actually gave me money out of her purse so I could dose because I blew 120 dollars my mom gave for the clinic shooting terrible coke Friday night. I started out only wanting to spend 30 dollars but that didn't go as planned. So I pawned my xbox one for the money to dose and put gas in my car over the weekend. I only got 60 bucks for it thinking I might have a chance of getting it back but I fucked myself on that too because now im out of money and my moms in Colorado till Thursday at the earliest. I guess I am going to call and beg her to western union me money or something for the clinic. I suck at panhandling apparently.

Too top it off my dogs dying of cancer. Isnt that some stereotypical shit right there?


Its 6:22 am here in the CTZ. On the bright side I laughed so hard at always sunny in Philadelphia my sides started to hurt. It was like this youtube compilation of the gang fucking with Ricketty Crickett the priest character they tormented from high school. That show is really great. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard man.

I need to be calling my insurance company to argue over the 35 grand hospital bill there refusing to pay but I don't even know where to start. I pay 250 dollars a month for health insurance that is literally useless. Im already over 60 Gs in medical debt with a fico score that's probably negative. Can it even go negative? 8( Not that I really care tbh but it just adds to the mental list of things I am neglecting in my life.

I swear if I survive this and end up ever being functional again I am going to write a sitcom based around a methadone clinic. A mix between the office and something really outlandish. I have the idea. I am always hearing the craziest shit in line waiting to dose or walking by the counselors offices. Its like white trash meets heroin. It amazes me the highly intelligent people I talk to on here and reddit who use heroin then compare it to what I find in the "wild". No wonder people die so often.

Ok positive thought here. I have passed 3 drug tests in a row somehow so I could technically be trusted with 1 take home in 2 months. Like whoa right!

Well you sound in much better spirits which is definitely encouraging! I am so sorry to hear about your dog, that's heartbreaking. I lost two of my kitties right before I checked into rehab this last time and it was devestating. The world can chew us up and spit us out but our animals are always available to give us unconditional love and acceptance. Try to make the most of the time you have left with him.

Regarding hospital bills, unless something has changed indont think they affect credit too much. I got hit with some nasty ones sixteen years ago and told them all I can do is pay $25 a month and they went along with it. I would pay extra if I could, but that's a lot to ask when feeding an addiction. Insurance now is such a joke. Odds are if this was something purchased from an exchange you have a high deductible and many services aren't going to be covered. It's literally a rip off. I have Tricare so I haven't had to deal with the fiasco that is Obamacare, but from what I've witnessed at work with the choices and what friends have had to go through you're not really usefully covered unless you're paying $800 a month. Absolute BS. Back on topic, sometimes it can take 6 months to a year to get the insurance coverage sorted on a hospital bill so don't worry. Call both the hospital and the insurance. Let the hospital know you're still working with the insurance company to verify their parts. Whatever remainder you have to pay work out a payment plan. I believe as long as you are paying something you are not in default. Make certain you negotiate out a payment that is feasible for you or it's just going to be a constant stressor.

Kudos on your drug tests! You are definitely making progress! Keep your head up, you got this. As always feel free to message me if you need to talk. Take care!

 

[Moreaux]

Hearing voices was in the top 5 most terrifying situations of my life without a doubt. Luckily I was in the hospital when it started and ended so I wasn't in any danger but its hell. I also knew what was causing it which helped me mentally. I couldn't imagine going through that at home without a crystal clear reason why it was happening. I am so glad you are feeling better now. I have had a couple phych ward stays myself and while its not a great place to be I am really glad its there for when things like that happen. I am really glad your friend was there for you like that as well. I have lost all my close friends through the years and while I am really blessed my parents are supportive there is nothing like close friends. That's why I feel so lucky to have you guys/gals in my life right now. I cant thank everyone enough for the support advice and empathy. Its a little overwhelming I don't feel worthy but its damn nice to have .

Your so right about delegating decision making right now to other people. Its hard for me to accept that its necessary because I am stubborn and I feel like I am already so far behind on the road to adulthood. I also struggle with trust and my parents are not as well educated as you guys on what I need but I am just going to let go and let it happen cause I am not capable of helping myself right now. I wish there was a rehab where I could like stay on methadone but they all wanted me off maintenance a precursor to even outpatient treatment. I could really use that structure right now. I know isolating myself is unhealthy but it just kind of happening that way right now.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my entire life. Seeing how close I am to the ledge is terrifying like its not a kids game anymore. Like when I applied for Medicaid and listed all my diagnosis it really hit home I am a drug addicted and severely mentally ill. Really scary. I have had 3 serious suicide attempts and a handful of "crys for help". It almost doesn't feel real like I catch myself not grasping the full scope of the situation. Then I write it out and I am like damn..... this is fucked.

Anyway I am approaching 72 hours of no sleep so im going to try and do that for a little while now if I can. For some reason I have a terrible time sleeping after I pass 48 hours awake. I cant even express how much each of you means to me. From the bottom of my heart thank you! I hope you all have really awesome days today.

Try not to focus on being behind in "adulthood", though most of us on here are. It happens but it doesn't mean you are stuck or will never be successful. The opportunity is there, you just have to get healthy first. Your mental health issues were not self inflicted or a choice, and they can be treated so you can live a healthy productive and fulfilling life. At least you are aware of your diagnosis so you have something to work with and are not dealing with abstract unknowns. Learn as much as you can about your diagnosis so you can be an active and educated advocate for your treatment. I hope you're able to get some valid sleep!!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Try not to focus on being behind in "adulthood", though most of us on here are. It happens but it doesn't mean you are stuck or will never be successful. The opportunity is there, you just have to get healthy first. Your mental health issues were not self inflicted or a choice, and they can be treated so you can live a healthy productive and fulfilling life. At least you are aware of your diagnosis so you have something to work with and are not dealing with abstract unknowns. Learn as much as you can about your diagnosis so you can be an active and educated advocate for your treatment. I hope you're able to get some valid sleep!!!

On the fucking money Moreaux!

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Uhh the methadone I am planning to get back on heroin. Kinda been toying with the idea anyway, I got clothes covered and a nice wilderness backpacking pack. Gonna sell me xbox one for start up money. Im also going to start prostituting myself to gays. I am coming to terms with my bi-sexuality anyway. I am thinking westcoast is best coast if I can get enough money to get out there. I just don't want to get stranded in middle American hell.

Please do not do this. It's not going to help, and it will make everything 1,000 times worse. I know bisexual and gay men who were involved in prostitución and they all wound up getting worse with hard drugs like coke/crack, heroin, and meth. They were robbed, beat up, and raped by clients, and some wound up getting HIV and Hepatitis C. People who are involved in prostitution also frequently are murdered.

Go to a hospital. Even if it is a mental hospital so you can get away from the drugs, and have médical people look after you, help you withdrawal safely, and make sure you are safe.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think cj is going to be stating on methadone for a while longer after all. That's what he seems to have indicated as far as I know.

The withdrawal from the benzos must be hell man, I am really impressed with how you are persevering cj!

 

[cj]

If I have my way ill be on methadone for the next few years at minimum. I am not anywhere near strong enough to get off yet. I am not sure I will ever be honestly. I am not sure why my family keeps turning the pressure up on me but they do. I am afraid I am going to break under the strain. I don't want to sound over dramatic but I umm have started hearing a voice occasionally. Its like a women is whispering in my ear. I cant really remember what she says after it happens which is weird but I know it happened a couple times this morning before I slept and once this afternoon after I woke up. It was just one or two words this afternoon and I knew it was a delusion. This morning was a little more scary tbh. I first experienced this during my hospital stay for benzo withdrawal and its the same voice every time it happens. I am really hoping its not going to get worse. I have over 200 psychedelic experiences mostly longer than 5 years ago but I eat L 3-5 times a year more recently. I know I cant risk that ever again now and I am ok with it. I am just scared. The voice isn't friendly in the slightest.


priest: I wish I could man I really do. If they would maintain me on methadone I would do it in a heartbeat but they wont do that down here. It was such a fight to get my methadone when I was admitted for acute benzo withdrawal. I wasn't even allowed to be put in the detox floor because of some state licensing issue so they had me in a normal room which was cool tbh but I know if I have to commit myself things will be different.

 

[simco]

cj... so glad to hear that the methadone option looks like it will work out (both logistically and, at least in principle, medically).

hearing voices is some scary shit. if you ever want to swap stories about the experience (or just vent), don't hesitate to PM me! as i mentioned, it was just a couple months ago that i had my first experience with full-on auditory hallucinations, so it's all fresh in my mind.

 

[Moreaux]

I think cj is going to be stating on methadone for a while longer after all. That's what he seems to have indicated as far as I know.

The withdrawal from the benzos must be hell man, I am really impressed with how you are persevering cj!

Yes it is, words are absolutely inadequate to describe the experience. It rips your sanity apart and truly makes you wish for death at times...I am so disgusted doctors are not more mindful of both the physical and psychological affects when prescribing these. I know this will not be a popular opinion, but in many instances I think benzos cause more harm than good, particularly with people how have anxiety disorders as it allows the person to avoid learning coping mechanisms for anxiety management since taking a pill (albeit one that makes you feel good) is so much easier.

If I have my way ill be on methadone for the next few years at minimum. I am not anywhere near strong enough to get off yet. I am not sure I will ever be honestly. I am not sure why my family keeps turning the pressure up on me but they do. I am afraid I am going to break under the strain. I don't want to sound over dramatic but I umm have started hearing a voice occasionally. Its like a women is whispering in my ear. I cant really remember what she says after it happens which is weird but I know it happened a couple times this morning before I slept and once this afternoon after I woke up. It was just one or two words this afternoon and I knew it was a delusion. This morning was a little more scary tbh. I first experienced this during my hospital stay for benzo withdrawal and its the same voice every time it happens. I am really hoping its not going to get worse. I have over 200 psychedelic experiences mostly longer than 5 years ago but I eat L 3-5 times a year more recently. I know I cant risk that ever again now and I am ok with it. I am just scared. The voice isn't friendly in the slightest.


priest: I wish I could man I really do. If they would maintain me on methadone I would do it in a heartbeat but they wont do that down here. It was such a fight to get my methadone when I was admitted for acute benzo withdrawal. I wasn't even allowed to be put in the detox floor because of some state licensing issue so they had me in a normal room which was cool tbh but I know if I have to commit myself things will be different.

Your family is just going to have to accept you will be on methadone long term - that is your safest option. Kindly remind them of the alternatives when they begin to badger you.

Regarding voices in benzo withdrawal - unfortunately it is common. I never experienced dialogues or anything but I would hallucinate somebody being inches away from me saying my name in my ear. I would come out of my skin amdnliterally jump. It actually started before inquit benzos, but when I was at my worse and shortly before rehab. There was one time I was in a conference meeting for the City I worked for and I was entering withdrawal as I tried to not take anything at work and I started shaking and twitching. It was so bad I had to sit on my hands. Then I hallucinated someone tapping my shoulder (actually a muscle spasm) and whispered my name in my ear. I came unhindered and jumped out of seat and turned around so quickly the chair slammed into the wall and fell over. Of course the meeting was with top police and fire people and everyone was looking like they were going to pounce on me. I apologized and said I proved a spider on my foot (terrified on spiders) and humbly sat back down. It got worse in withdrawal and then after away it went away completely.

Keep in mind it's temporary and not real :/

 

[cj]

Yes it is, words are absolutely inadequate to describe the experience. It rips your sanity apart and truly makes you wish for death at times...I am so disgusted doctors are not more mindful of both the physical and psychological affects when prescribing these. I know this will not be a popular opinion, but in many instances I think benzos cause more harm than good, particularly with people how have anxiety disorders as it allows the person to avoid learning coping mechanisms for anxiety management since taking a pill (albeit one that makes you feel good) is so much easier.




Your family is just going to have to accept you will be on methadone long term - that is your safest option. Kindly remind them of the alternatives when they begin to badger you.

Regarding voices in benzo withdrawal - unfortunately it is common. I never experienced dialogues or anything but I would hallucinate somebody being inches away from me saying my name in my ear. I would come out of my skin amdnliterally jump. It actually started before inquit benzos, but when I was at my worse and shortly before rehab. There was one time I was in a conference meeting for the City I worked for and I was entering withdrawal as I tried to not take anything at work and I started shaking and twitching. It was so bad I had to sit on my hands. Then I hallucinated someone tapping my shoulder (actually a muscle spasm) and whispered my name in my ear. I came unhindered and jumped out of seat and turned around so quickly the chair slammed into the wall and fell over. Of course the meeting was with top police and fire people and everyone was looking like they were going to pounce on me. I apologized and said I proved a spider on my foot (terrified on spiders) and humbly sat back down. It got worse in withdrawal and then after away it went away completely.

Keep in mind it's temporary and not real :/

At this point I am inclined to agree. At the very least it should never ever be given to someone with addiction problems. I used to think it was like Russian roulette but now I think its more akin to just strait up shooting yourself in the foot. I was doomed from the start I was just in denial at the time. Thanks for sharing your story about the benzo and voices I am terrified of having a psychotic break. My great uncle had Schizophrenia and ended up killing his father in law in a brutal manner during his first psychotic episode. The thing was before that he was a student at Harvard law. He didn't come from wealth either so he was obviously highly intelligent. Other mental illnesses run on both sides of my family as well so its just scary to think about having a psychotic episode. I will be 28 next Wednesday so I was hoping to be out of the woods on the schitzo front. So yeah your experience put me at ease a little on that.

I still feel like death rewarmed. But on the positive side I have stayed relatively sober for over a month now. I have had a few slips unfortunately but nothing too bad. My clinic counselor made me patient of the month which is useless but sweet of her.But yeah my therapist made me an emergency psychiatrist appointment. The only thing is I don't know what to even ask for. Like no benzos obviously but I need a sleep medicine that works. I need something for anxiety and something for depression. I am so fucking tired today. Its getting kind of ridiculous honestly.

But it has been a better day then yesterday so far.


I broke down and bought 3 benzo doses. I was having extremely disturbing mental images when I closed my eyes and I just couldn't take it. I feel much better and am looking forward to some slepe.

 

[Moreaux]

Kudos on Patient of the aweek! You may not have immediate benefits, but if you ever have to go before the courts or have issues with the clinic that type of stuff does go a long way. Regarding sleep - I found 150mg Trazodone plus melatonin worked well for me and didn't have ghastly side effects, though I know it doesn't work for everyone. I glad you are feeling better - you sound so much better too!

 

[cj]

Broke down and bought more Xanax today. I was supposed to see my phychiatrist today but I canceled. I just don't like the guy. very much and all he was going to do was give me yet another ineffective antidepressant and anti-psychotic. I already got a shelf full of those. I think I am going to fire my metal health team and try a different one. My therapist does that technique where she repeats what you said back to you in a slightly different way. Pisses me off.

Ive gotten 2 nights of sleep thanks to Xanax. Hopefully I don't get re-addictted but it could happen

 

[Jabberwocky]

Can you get a longer acting benzo like clonazepam or diazepam? Or better yet, Librium? Librium would be ideal for your situation.

 

[cj]

Can you get a longer acting benzo like clonazepam or diazepam? Or better yet, Librium? Librium would be ideal for your situation.

Etazolam is about the longest I can get. But I have slept the last 2 nights because of them its been amazing.

 

[Jabberwocky]

How is it dosed?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Hopefully I don't get re-addictted but it could happen

This is likely what's going to happen. Once you have a history with an addictive substance, it's almost impossible not to get back there when resuming usage.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Wise words indeed.