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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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I have noticed my oxy works better with fewer side effects if I eat a big meal (meat and potatoes) about 15 minutes after my dose.
 
Shroomi - just a thought.
My life was pretty difficult and confusing for many years. I was misdiagnosed as depressed, then later bipolar. I finally took an online test for Autism and scored 98% positive.
Once I was properly diagnosed, life got a lot easier. I am a strong, hardworking person but some unexplainable things were very difficult for me. After everyone found out I was Autistic, i was given a pass on the stuff in my life that was too hard and allowed to excel at the stuff I am good at.
Maybe you could go online and take a few tests and figure out if there is something else going on. Maybe something your doctors missed. Perhaps bipolar disorder, Autism, or an allergy to Gluten. Who knows?
 
I was able to pick up my extended release medication today. Usually, I would reward myself with an extra dose. However, I have a totally different mindset now, after being part of this tapering thread. I will take out my dosage for the next 12 hours, and put the rest in my time lock safe.
 
That's a hell of a transformation POkemama. I know I'm not the only one out here who is proud of you for doing that!
 
How dumb we all are. I do it too , that's how I know:
"I was good today, so I'm going to reward myself with extra pills. "
1: I never got that much more high or even more relaxed compared to how much more medication I took.
2: more/extra pills today means I'm going to run out at the end of the month.
3: If these pills are not coming from a Dr/prescription/pharmacy, then I'm paying some drug dealer extra to cover my habit. That just means I'm a junkie and I'm getting worse.
I almost 'rewarded' myself last night too POkemama, but I thought of everyone on this thread and I decided instead to kill some time and go to bed early. This morning I am without the guilt of cheating.
 
Thank you Squeaky... I appreciate all the encouragement... I need it.

I am glad to hear I am not alone in that I use my drugs to reward myself... it is stupid... especially since we are "robbing Peter to pay Paul"... meaning we will be short the end of the month. That creates so much stress for me, especially as the last week would approach. I would get more and more anxious... knowing I might run out for over indulging the beginning of the month. Now, especially because I am having to have my medications ordered, I need to be mindful of not running out early; in fact, it would be in my best interest to have extra.

I am glad this thread was helpful to you in not cheating last night, Squeaks! It is helpful to me too. I cannot do this alone. I do so much better with my fellow addicts for company on this journey.
 
P0kemama said:
I was able to pick up my extended release medication today. Usually, I would reward myself with an extra dose. However, I have a totally different mindset now, after being part of this tapering thread. I will take out my dosage for the next 12 hours, and put the rest in my time lock safe.
Click to expand...

Way to go, Poke! I've been reading along with all of you guys. Congrats on the progress.

I am on about day 4 of cold turkey - tapering isn't something that works for me, unfortunately. It's just too hard. But I'm reading and following along and cheering for you all!

- VE
 
Hello VAST: I appreciate the kind words of encouragement... thank you!! And please, feel free to stop by and post about your own progress and/or struggles as you experience your cold turkey. This thread is also a social and support type of thread, and you certainly fit the description of being supportive.. so hang out here anytime at all.
Being at day 4 of c.t. withdrawal ....that is HUGE!!! Way to go!!! Is it starting to get a bit better yet???

I would love to be able to go cold turkey... I did so in 2012 and stayed clean for over a year. However, it was very hard on my body and mind; I am no spring chicken, I ended up in the ER, my family was all freaked out, etc. etc. So, for me tapering is more gentle, and I am in no hurry. I will probably need to use opioids at lowered doses for most of my life, as my chronic pain issues continue to get worse with age.. just the way it is.

I think our overall goals are the same, and in line with the philosophy of BL: HARM REDUCTION. So thanks again, and drop by anytime at all.:)
 
Cheated last night. I took an extra 15 mg oxy. I was feeling depressed and my body is really aching lately. I'm going to try and offset for the sake of not f'ing up my tapering plan I' m going to try and cut that 15 out of today's doses.
We'll see if it works.
 
Squeaky, first off keep at it, an extra 15mg is whatever. It happened. I did it too that time. I helped my friend out on the farm and my spine has been shreaking at me every since. Makes it really tough not to dose extras because, although I am out of withdrawal pretty much, it's the extreme pain that I have. I have chosen to experience the pain, though, and smoke some nice chron.

I have something called borderline personality disorder (I don't know how aware people are of it, I didn't know of it at first). There is a lot of stigma around it, 'we' are seen as very destructive and manipulative especially in relationships, and the internet is awash with women helping each other to identify and avoid such allegedly poisonous men. I don't really buy into these sorts of generalizations, but it can definitely help shed some light on the dark crevices of my mind. It's good to know that I meet every symptom of a personality disorder.

My back pain has been extreme but otherwise I'm good. I want to take more pills because my back pain is out of control. I haven't yet though and continued on taking 60mg/day. At this dose I would never be able to handle full time work and that is my goal. I can't get more prescribed nor can I afford it so I am in a pickle. Makes me want to do heroin and get on with my life. It has to be heroin to give me around the clock relief and I really shouldn't go back to that. I'm beginning to forget about the withdrawal I went through. I'm still worse off in every way apart from using less, but I am also more motivated. I picked up a book today, a spark of intellectual curiosity is definitely a good sign. I've been too burnt out to read so far. But what's the point if I'm going to show up at work hurting so bad that I can't concentrate enough to read through an email let alone give it my all.

Nevertheless, I will carry on. It's only been two weeks and I had that one slip up where I doubled my dose, and then really regretted it. I think it's possible that my pain level could still decrease or my meds start working more effectively. Two weeks is nothing compared to 3 years of addiction.
 
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Squeaky and Shroomy: I feel sad when I read about how you both are suffering...both mentally and physically. I would not beat myself up emotionally for taking extra medication, if I were either of you. That is what your doctor prescribed it for. Shroomy: I know you did not yet take another oxy dose... it sounds like you can manage some of your pain with THC based products... you are lucky! Both of you, hang in there. Remember, this is one day at a time. You always have another day to stay on your own tapering plan perfectly. Today, you manage your pain.

I had to take a dose early, as my son is taking me out to lunch, and I cannot go into w/d at lunch.. meaning, sweating, which happens to me as soon as my time passes to take my dose. My son will start questioning me about why I am sweating so much. He does not know I take prescribed opiates and I do not want him to know.

Shroomy: I do know alot about borderline personality disorder, as I think I may have mentioned to you previously. Research shows that almost all people suffering from personality disorder had some type of abuse as a child... these traits helped them to survive as a child. However,as adults, the same traits interfere with creating strong, emotional bonds with other people. Is that true for you? Please do not answer if you feel uncomfortable.

I hope you both have a better evening. Peace.
 
Shroomy, I remember that your spine issues were structural, not muscular, but would ice be better when it's inflamed? Just a thought. I went for years over heating my back due to a bad chiropractor, until I finally saw a good one, who explained what was happening. What sucks is, similarly, my back is structural as well, and ice now helps when the muscles hurt as a side effect, but when they're fusing, it's a deep pain that no topical thing can touch.

Good for you, Poke mama! It's that very thinking that gets us into the mess in the first place! That's awesome! I always think that at the beginning, and middle of the month; I'll deal with it later. I'm getting better, and stopping myself about 30% of the time. But hey, I'll take it. Slow and steady, right?
 
I'm still not entirely sure where the pain is coming from. I've had some MRI's but they haven't been as thorough with the diagnosis as with the prescriptions. It's an extreme pain in my spine and I have all the symptoms of a facet joint problems so they say. All physical activity makes it worse so I end up so sedentary. I used to be 215 pounds and very active.

The borderline thing is uncomfortable especially for guys to talk about.

I feel way better now but I am going through a rough patch with my pain level. The pain is extreme. I'm trying not to take any extras and I took an anti-inflammatory. I have been at 60mg for two weeks now, I feel a lot better and my mind is coming back. I'm able to concentrate and I have an interest in reading again instead of sitting around depressed. My mind is becoming active. Even with the pain I think I'll just lay down. If I take any extras well that's what they are there for, I need to get my sober mind up and running though, Withdrawal symptoms won't be as bad now.
 
My In-Laws came to town this morning, for the weekend.......... So I'm not even going to try and pretend that I'm using the oxycodone for anything other than what it is - mood stabilizer. I took 60 mg extra today(saturday) . That's almost double what I was at on my taper plan , after cheating yesterday too. My guess is tomorrow will be the same. I don't care. I have been through hell in the last 18 months and I'm taking a F-ing break.
 
You know, with this life of pain we've been dealt, it's no surprise that we need to help our emotions sometimes. That's the reason I take extra. I can't take antidepressants, and I'm not depressed all the time. It's hard; we're given these pills that can help in so many ways. Please don't beat yourself up; when can, get back on your plan. But for me, I know the small extra amount I took yesterday made my day better, and I needed that.
 
I am grateful for BL and The Dark Side. Where else can we go to discuss our dysfunctional moods, our dependence on drugs for both emotional reasons as well as for physical pain reasons? I had such a nice lunch with my son yesterday... however, of course it had to end. I then went home to my empty house. Although I am finally getting to the other side of acceptance around living alone, the first year or so was very hard... I loved being a mom and taking care of my children, although it was challenging at times.
When my last child left to get married, well, I was alone. Unfortunately, opioids help very much with the feeling. They provide emotional comfort while decreasing the chronic unremitting pain of my back and my knees. They work too well in the beginning, when the medication I was prescribed was made by a great manufacturer.
The medication I have now is pretty crappy... I really believe they are manufactured with less active ingredient than what they say. There is nothing I can do about it... I just stay in this semi-depressed mood most of the time. All because of a lawsuit filed by the manufacturers of the brand name drug, Opana.

I do feel better when I read the posts here written by kindred souls. So helpful! And, I work very hard to keep myself distracted from my own self pity. For example, I am excited to watch the Denver Broncos play the Bucs today... I think we will win! GO BRONCOS!!!
 
I'm still reluctant to raise my dose at all, considering how much I've been through the past couple weeks. Even if it doesn't work out and I end up being in too much pain. I'm going to keep at it, at least for a little while longer. That withdrawal was brutal and I'm not even really having interdose withdrawals anymore. Soon enough I should feel some energy come back and I am, just very slowly. Back pain is the main issue here, excruciating pain.
 
Back pain is horrible. It's so hard; you can't do anything. And I hear what you say about being functional and working. It's so hard.

Hang in there!
 
My In-Laws left. Today will be difficult, but I am going back to my tapering plan if it kills me!
I told myself it was O.k. to cheat since I was in a stressful situation. That moment has passed, and I feel pretty sick now from all the pills I took, but I must get back on track. So...... It's going to be 60 mg today. I will just have to suck it up and deal with the WD's for the next couple of days. I figure I can hold at 60 mg/day for 4 days to get me back on track.
P.S. I took 150 mg on Sat and the same on Sunday.
 
I slipped too. I took 120mg yesterday. I was really sick of taking the exact same dose every 6 hours, and it's even interfering with my sleep schedule. I'm not exactly diurnal, or nocturnal. I'm variable. So I said fuck it one day, forgetting how far I've come. But rest assured, I remember now. I won't be tricked, I'm too far out now and I'm really watching out.

But that's how I am achieving 60mg per day for over two weeks now with just two slight slips (well, this second one was rather dramatic I admit). My rule can't be fucked with, and it's easy enough for my stoned, deluded, self-manipulating mind to follow.
If I take 15mg every 6 hours, I'm taking 60mg per day. I never feel the high that I like, but I never feel all that bad either. Just a little shitty in the short time frame around when I dose. The pain is extreme and I do still get limitedrelief. And this is what works best for me. Oh ok I need to stop right there, that is NOT how things were initially. I'm only on week 3 but it's literally night and day, I can't forget this. I need to be proud of myself and look past this slip up as a silly error that at least resulted in an introspective psychedelic experience, having taken 4-ho-met.

It's getting easy. That's when it insidiously sneaks its way back into my life (it seems, I haven't made it this far before). I can't fuck this up again. It was not easy at first, it was the hardest thing ever to beat physically. To get here I really had to suffer, inside and out. Now that all I have remaining are primarily psychological symptoms, and my usual pain, it's so easy to forget the hell I went through just to get where I am. It's still an unsatisfactory state of being. The issue is I'm still not functioning, so to me it's all the same. If anything it's worse in ways as so much time has passed my by. I need to remember that I am on the road to recovery still even if it doesn't feel so physical, and it's a never-ending, long and twisted road. Just when you think you're in the clear...

It's literally 12am, 6am, 12pm, and 6pm. At those precise times you can be guaranteed that I am taking 15 IR oxycodone. My pain level and what I have to do and my actual life are all set aside for now, the focus being directly on taking the drug at the right time to minimize withdrawal symptoms. Subconsciously I'm choosing the dose that gets me just barely well but not high, and spreading that IR dose out evenly over 24 hours given my daily allowance. I feel like a child sometimes, but then I remember that I'm not in rehab yet, and the worst thing I've ever done to stay well is trade a fucking whole sheet of acid for a fentanyl patch. Today was the first day that I truly fucked up. I took 110mg total. 50mg of that was at lunch alone and I passed out all afternoon waking up at 8pm. Then I didn't know when to dose again, it was an awkward time, I ended up popping 30mgIR. It was horrible, but then again, I needed something extra to get me through the psychedelic experience which I think will be very useful in the coming weeks. (I had been planning on using a psychedelic around this time, but wouldn't repeat because it was too disrupting)

The underlying reason for my relapse is that I was beginning to substitute 10mg tamper proof ER oxy for a 10mg percocet, for some of my 15mg doses. That was fucking with the VERY fragile system I have going on here. So those extended release are completely worthless to me now, maybe some day I will find another use for them, but not today.

I have to continue from this point onwards with my 15mg IR doses every 6 hours and just forget about today. I know that's what is right for me if I want to get off the stuff, even if I have to rely on the black market a while longer for extras because those tamper proofs fucked with my taper. I've made a lot of progress, and I failed at the most common time. When you start feeling well, and forget about the withdrawal, that's when you relapse. I totally forgot about the dope sickness and what I went through now that I'm feeling well, and my memory isn't good like that. I need to make absolute certain that I don't fuck around tomorrow.

I'm tripping and my logic feels flawless. I am trying to find another set of rules that would for sure work, and that would be basic enough for me to execute without friction. 15mg every 6 hours. The one and only rule right now, the rule that rules my life. My goal being that I just want to be stable on 60mg per day before I deal with the fact that 60mg per day is still very much a serious habit. I have to set enormous restrictions on my behaviour in order to not be a junkie and never ever break those limits set in stone. If it worked for two weeks straight it can continue to work. I'm not ready to move down, I will only move down when I feel great like I used to. I expect these types of slip-ups cause surprisingly strong rebound effects. I can't let that fuck with me though after I gave up so much time these past couple weeks. I lost sight of the future. This is just what works for me though because otherwise I will ALWAYS take extras.
 
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