DXM. yes, cough syrup. the thing about DXM is that if i do it right, like less than 150mg/day it really makes me be a better person. more functional, more capable. but it's very demanding - i can't fuck up. i have to eat healthy and stay off all drugs but pot and psychedelics. when i do that, my life is so good - i live in bliss. i live in that magic dissociative world, everything has meaning, it's not that i'm a superbeing, but that i have the tao, i move through the empty spaces of the world and leave no trace. what i need, comes to me, and all i have to do is just do the right thing, all the time. in any situation, where there is a choice, i do the right thing because its' the right thing to do. then it's like reality itself just takes care of me - i want for nothing. if i do fuckup and take a hard drug, i get off on it, super, but it feel wrong and i don't crave it after.
i can keep this up for months. but in the end, its the loneliness that destroys me. i have all that bliss, and no one to share it with, 'cause i'm off in lala land. and the sorrow when you're like that, it cuts you. sorrow is the other side of bliss, it lives in the same place. i can't handle it, i fuck up, get high to make myself not lonely, then my bliss dies.