Boyfriend often leaves me when we're drunk

[One Thousand Words]

Why are you getting yourself into trouble in the first place?

Does you boyfriend force you to get black out drunk? Does your boyfriend get into drunken arguments with strange men? Does your boyfriend stay at bars and clubs until closing, which if you are honest with yourself is usually only filled with the extremely wasted and desperate by that time?

I'm not condoning leaving you behind without money to get home, but the other stuff to me indicates you are a hot mess when you drink, and he could probably do better. You should both move on and find partners more compatible with each other's values

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

For a munchkin that small, you would require extra special protection, maybe a security detail

I'm not sure if it was God on that occasion or the woman, but either way it does sound very lucky.

I was once going to couples therapy with one of my ex-partners. It was really a waste of time because she was like anxiety level uncomfortable in the groups and didn't seem to like talking, so I spent most of the time holding her hand to try and calm her down rather than communicating with the therapist.

We were told we need to fight fair, though.

Does that ring a bell or make sense to you in any way?

Lmao, yeah, I was very, very lucky!! I'm still good friends with the gal who saved me. She's so great.

Aw, was it like group therapy? Or just you two? We are just going, just us two.
Fight fair? Mhmm, I think so. I mean, I think we fight pretty fair. I have rules: no namecalling and no raising voice.

It sounds to me as if the two of you need to learn to compromise with one another when you're drunk. He should never leave you by yourself if you're not ready to leave yet, that alone is a [HUGE] legitimate reason for breaking up with him (and you should break up with him if he does it, especially if it keeps occurring). However, that being said, you need to be sensitive to his needs as well. If he is uncomfortable and badly wants to go home, then go home with him. Telling him that he needs to stay because you're not ready is extremely inconsiderate.

Overall, it sounds like you two have no consideration for each other when you're drunk. If you enjoy drinking and intend on continuing to do it, you should just end this relationship and find someone more compatible.

Thanks, yeah, I agree. I mean, we came to a compromise, that was if he wanted to leave, he lets me know and he gives me 30 minutes to "get ready to leave" and then we would leave. I think the club really bothered me because we were all leaving at that time. Like club was closing and we were all heading out when the guys approached my friend. While our other friend stood up for her, he ran out with all my stuff. -__- Also, at the bar when I was looking everywhere for him, he didn't even tell me he was leaving. . I was searching for him everywhere.

Huge Red Flag!

Dump him

>.<

This. You deserve someone better than him. I mean you posted how he stole your purse and phone, and left you without a way home which is not cool. Most people would not put up with that. Good luck.

Yeah, we just have so much history. >.<

I have been guilty of doing this when I've been drinking, we call it pulling a Houdini. I actually know a lot of people who just dip out with no explanation, but not at the cost of leaving their girlfriend at the bar by herself.

If you guys quit drinking and this has stopped happening as a result, then I would say problem solved. But if you're planning on resuming drinking together in the future, this could very well become an issue. If this were me, I would cover my own ass when we go out from now on - hold on to my own stuff, have money for a cab/uber home etc...don't put yourself in a position where you're stranded if you know this is likely to happen. It doesn't make what he's doing right, but at least you avoid the consequences of being left out by yourself.

Yeah, we quit drinking and I haven't gotten shitfaced with him because I don't trust the situation, I don't trust him. I think it just makes me nervous that if he is that kind of person who would leave me stranded, will to stand up for me/by me, and will be completely selfish in situations, then do I really want to be with this person?

& yes, I agree with safeguarding myself. I usually do carry my purse, only at the club I asked him to carry it (because obv. we were dancing). I really didn't expect him to just leave, esp since we were with his friends too.

Why are you getting yourself into trouble in the first place?

Does you boyfriend force you to get black out drunk? Does your boyfriend get into drunken arguments with strange men? Does your boyfriend stay at bars and clubs until closing, which if you are honest with yourself is usually only filled with the extremely wasted and desperate by that time?

I'm not condoning leaving you behind without money to get home, but the other stuff to me indicates you are a hot mess when you drink, and he could probably do better. You should both move on and find partners more compatible with each other's values

You mean why are WE getting getting ourselves into trouble all the time? Lol.
He was completely wasted all three times as well. I also didn't get into a drunken argument with anyone. Some guys were getting upset at my friend. I didn't say anything. He was also WITH me when the club was closing... along with two of our friends... and all 4 of us were leaving... together. I never stayed until closing by myself. >.> So I see how you're TRYING to blame me but I don't really get it. Please read correctly.

 

[One Thousand Words]

Yet you are trying to blame him. He obviously sick of your shit when you drink, otherwise he wouldn't get the hell out of dodge when you are drunk. It's time for you both to move on to better relationships

 

[nuttynutskin]

This is why I never really got the club scene. Too much drama and drunken buffoons. It's fine if you're going to see a band and have a few drinks but why not just stay at home if you plan on getting black out drunk? Being black out drunk out in public seldom leads to anything good. I can speak from experience.

 

[Vagina Lover]

Lmao, yeah, I was very, very lucky!! I'm still good friends with the gal who saved me. She's so great.

Aw, was it like group therapy? Or just you two? We are just going, just us two.
Fight fair? Mhmm, I think so. I mean, I think we fight pretty fair. I have rules: no namecalling and no raising voice.

It was a combo of both group therapy and one on two. I did learn a bit from it, but in terms of our relationship, I think it was doomed before we even walked in there, because my partner didn't seem to understand she was being emotionally manipulative to get her way most of the time. It just never sunk in for her.

Plus her vindictiveness and jumping to conclusions, as well as using my past mistakes with drugs to justify her own dumbass mistakes, just kind of wrecked the love high. The sex was good though

No name calling is a good rule, but there are certainly times when I get called an idiot like losing my car keys before we are supposed to go do grocery shopping

 

[Big Bird Gemini]

To Pretty Diamonds

Yeah, we just have so much history. >.<

OP asked a question and received answers.. I don't need to know the history. Bottom line-If the boyfriend has left the OP more than once when you are both drunk, he's not that into you. If he left once, maybe twice it would be debatable.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

This is why I never really got the club scene. Too much drama and drunken buffoons. It's fine if you're going to see a band and have a few drinks but why not just stay at home if you plan on getting black out drunk? Being black out drunk out in public seldom leads to anything good. I can speak from experience.

I don't think that you drink TO get blacked out drunk. It's usually an WHOOPSIE. One of the scenarios I did, and that's on me. I know.

It was a combo of both group therapy and one on two. I did learn a bit from it, but in terms of our relationship, I think it was doomed before we even walked in there, because my partner didn't seem to understand she was being emotionally manipulative to get her way most of the time. It just never sunk in for her.

Plus her vindictiveness and jumping to conclusions, as well as using my past mistakes with drugs to justify her own dumbass mistakes, just kind of wrecked the love high. The sex was good though

No name calling is a good rule, but there are certainly times when I get called an idiot like losing my car keys before we are supposed to go do grocery shopping

Mhmm, yeah I don't think I can do group therapy. I'm like selfish, I would want to talk about my problems 100% of the time, lol. I'm sorry you went through that. We all have our drug demons. My fear is actually that he would use mine and make me feel bad. :/ OMG, he loses EVERYTHING! I actually help him find it. -___- So I have some sort of resentment because I just want him to be responsible!

I'm sorry it didn't work out with your ex. How long did you guys go to therapy? Did the therapist call her out for being emotionally manipulating? Or did you?

Yeah, we just have so much history. >.<

OP asked a question and received answers.. I don't need to know the history. Bottom line-If the boyfriend has left the OP more than once when you are both drunk, he's not that into you. If he left once, maybe twice it would be debatable.

Yeah, I see your point. :/ I mean, we are separated right now, as in I moved out. But we are going to go to couples therapy and try and see if we can work things out. I'm just reflecting on our past.

 

[socko]

Nobody older than a freshman in college should ever get that drunk in public. Its gross. Having said that, everybody breaks yhat rule once or twice in life. your bf sounds like he abandoned you when you needed him. He should have made sure you got home. If the drinking bothered him both of you should have limited the drinking to 1 or 2 per outing.

 

[pofacedhoe]

OP

what are the other problems? besides things that happened years ago what is he doing now that is causing the most problems?

explain and contextualise please

 

[nuttynutskin]

I'm like selfish

That might be part of the problem.

My fear is actually that he would use mine and make me feel bad. :/ OMG, he loses EVERYTHING! I actually help him find it. -___- So I have some sort of resentment because I just want him to be responsible!

It seems kind of hypocritical that you want him to be responsible while it doesn't really seem like you want to. Maybe he doesn't like being around you when you're shitfaced. Either way It sounds like both of you need to grow up. If you just limited yourself to a few drinks when you guys went out instead of getting trashed you could at least likely solve that problem, but as with most things there's probably more to it than just whats on the surface.

 

[Vagina Lover]

Mhmm, yeah I don't think I can do group therapy. I'm like selfish, I would want to talk about my problems 100% of the time, lol. I'm sorry you went through that. We all have our drug demons. My fear is actually that he would use mine and make me feel bad. :/ OMG, he loses EVERYTHING! I actually help him find it. -___- So I have some sort of resentment because I just want him to be responsible

I'm sorry it didn't work out with your ex. How long did you guys go to therapy? Did the therapist call her out for being emotionally manipulating? Or did you?

There's nothing worse than a partner in denial of fact who minimizes by moving the goal posts all the time and blaming. Unless he does this, your fear may be more of a worry, but if it materializes be aware of how to negate it by being rational and not biting his head off.

I get harped on in groups for intellectualising. We all have our quirks. And "selfish" is kind of spunky, if I may say so, as long as you can back it up with cuteness and you're not harming anyone.

There are plenty of blabber-mouths in the groups I go to who are just talkative. I don't see that as selfish. They just have a lot to say.

Either way, I wouldn't worry about it too much if you have issues to solve.

Groups are fun sometimes, because other people try solve your problems through their experiences. And, quite often, their problems sound worse than yours, so you can either laugh with them about it or feel a little better.

My ex bought me a wallet and strategically placed all my cards in there so I wouldn't lose them. Then I misplaced the wallet under the couch for about a week and it was like WW3!

We went to therapy for a few months and it was the therapist who called her out on it, but I had brought it up previously. She just wouldn't learn. But, hey, everyone does it to some degree in an argument, so it's a learning experience.

 

[feedtheSoul]

Well considering how long you've been in a relationship with him, I especially do not think that's cool for him to leave you when you're drunk. Definitely not safe.

I thought the part where he took your phone and purse and left in a cab was extremely irresponsible of him.
If he blames that on not remembering, he needs to watch how much he is drinking.
That's straight up dangerous. Leaving you with no phone or money to call someone or get a cab. A huge red flag.

I would see how important this concern of yours means to him. If he thinks thats okay to just ditch his girl like that, he needs to learn a thing or two about respect

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

OP

what are the other problems? besides things that happened years ago what is he doing now that is causing the most problems?

explain and contextualise please

These incidents actually happened last year. And argh, I don't want to get into it since I feel like we do have a lot of other problems. >.< But basically, he quit weed and was extremely irate and irritable. This went on for about a month and he was yelling at me, getting mad, losing his temper, punching/throwing/break things, and I kind of just shrugged it off to w/ds. But then a really scary incident happened and he said, "Shut your fucken face right now, shut the fuck up" and I actually felt scared and threatened. We don't swear at each other (another rule of mine). Mind you, we were "arguing" about how I was cooking spaghetti sauce. It was just a very scary situation and I've never seen him like that. Things were tense for a few days and I had a really horrible day and kind of needed him and he wasn't there for me. He went to a football game and didn't check in after over 8 hours and the last time we spoke prior was briefly on the phone and I was crying. I didn't need him to come home from the game, but it would have been nice if he sent me a text or something to check on me esp since he knew that I was feeling like shit, crying, and even called out of work since I was so distraught. I left that night.

What was even worse was that he didn't even feel like he did anything wrong and that I was overreacting. He gave a bunch of excuses as to why he didn't check on me, "he was having so much fun", "it was loud", "he was with his family and friends", "he didn't know I was upset", "but he did text me 8 hours later with a picture", "but he was so excited to come home and he missed me". He was also just "so confused" at the whole situation and "I thought we were fine". Then he blamed me for leaving him.

That might be part of the problem.



It seems kind of hypocritical that you want him to be responsible while it doesn't really seem like you want to. Maybe he doesn't like being around you when you're shitfaced. Either way It sounds like both of you need to grow up. If you just limited yourself to a few drinks when you guys went out instead of getting trashed you could at least likely solve that problem, but as with most things there's probably more to it than just whats on the surface.

It was a small joke. Like I'm too selfish to do group therapy, I would rather do individual therapy. Relax. Lol.
I want him to be responsible and I'm not responsible? Because I got drunk with my boyfriend and he left me a few times a year? Ok. Maybe he doesn't like being around me, and if that's true, then we obviously have a serious issue! Lol. & yes, that's of course an easy fix, but I'm wondering about deeper issues because a drunk mans actions is a sober mans thoughts.

There's nothing worse than a partner in denial of fact who minimizes by moving the goal posts all the time and blaming. Unless he does this, your fear may be more of a worry, but if it materializes be aware of how to negate it by being rational and not biting his head off.

I get harped on in groups for intellectualising. We all have our quirks. And "selfish" is kind of spunky, if I may say so, as long as you can back it up with cuteness and you're not harming anyone.

There are plenty of blabber-mouths in the groups I go to who are just talkative. I don't see that as selfish. They just have a lot to say.

Either way, I wouldn't worry about it too much if you have issues to solve.

Groups are fun sometimes, because other people try solve your problems through their experiences. And, quite often, their problems sound worse than yours, so you can either laugh with them about it or feel a little better.

My ex bought me a wallet and strategically placed all my cards in there so I wouldn't lose them. Then I misplaced the wallet under the couch for about a week and it was like WW3!

We went to therapy for a few months and it was the therapist who called her out on it, but I had brought it up previously. She just wouldn't learn. But, hey, everyone does it to some degree in an argument, so it's a learning experience.

Yeah, I think that'll be interesting to hear other problems, esp if they're much worse. But I don't think my bf would like it. He would be all like, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLES PROBLEMS, WHY DO I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM, I'M A BARTENDER I LISTEN TO PEOPLES PROBLEMS FOR HOURS.
That's a good therapist, calling her out, bummer it didn't work out. For therapy to work, people have to WANT to change. People have to own their own faults and be ready to change and learn (like you said). I'm kind of forcing him to do therapy with me so I'm nervous that it won't be effective since he's not really into it.

Well considering how long you've been in a relationship with him, I especially do not think that's cool for him to leave you when you're drunk. Definitely not safe.

I thought the part where he took your phone and purse and left in a cab was extremely irresponsible of him.
If he blames that on not remembering, he needs to watch how much he is drinking.
That's straight up dangerous. Leaving you with no phone or money to call someone or get a cab. A huge red flag.

I would see how important this concern of yours means to him. If he thinks thats okay to just ditch his girl like that, he needs to learn a thing or two about respect

Yeah, I know. :/ I think I've forgiven too quickly.... thinking back... it's pretty serious and scary. I had to borrow the bouncer's cell phone to call him and he just casually told me that he was home. -__- I was so upset and we argued when I got back. The cops ended up coming since I forgot to pay the cab fare (I went up to grab money an ended up getting into a drunken argument) and they ALMOST arrested him (for DV) and were constantly asking me if I was ok. >.<

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sounds like it's time to move on then.

 

[spacejunk]

Sounds like it's time to move on then.

I don't like saying this kind of things to people i don't know, through internet discussion boards - but after that last Pretty_Diamonds post, i'm inclined to agree (especially this last bit).

Yeah, I know. :/ I think I've forgiven too quickly.... thinking back... it's pretty serious and scary. I had to borrow the bouncer's cell phone to call him and he just casually told me that he was home. -__- I was so upset and we argued when I got back. The cops ended up coming since I forgot to pay the cab fare (I went up to grab money an ended up getting into a drunken argument) and they ALMOST arrested him (for DV) and were constantly asking me if I was ok. >.<

it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I don't know whether the drinking is a major contributing factor to the problems - but sometimes it takes extreme circumstances to open our eyes to how messed up things have become.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I don't like saying this kind of things to people i don't know, through internet discussion boards - but after that last Pretty_Diamonds post, i'm inclined to agree (especially this last bit).

Neither do I but it's just my opinion, (take it or leave it). Either way the relationship sounds extremely toxic. Maybe the op can work things out but just based on what she's said it doesn't sound hopeful to me.

I don't know whether the drinking is a major contributing factor to the problems

I would say at the very least it's not doing anyone any favors. And this is coming from an alcoholic. Being sober and seeing the way some drunk people act definitely gives you another perspective knowing that you've acted in similar ways yourself.

 

[axl blaze]

your guy left with your purse?? I have a hard time believing that one...

but it sounds like this guy doesn't want any trouble. find a man that will stand up for you. it's a good feeling, my lady loves knowing that I will start some shit for her at the drop of a hat - but she would take a bullet for me and me a bullet for her

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Yeah, well we were at a club, dancing. We didn't plan to go out to a club so I had a somewhat large purse with me (so I asked him to hold it while I danced). Then when the club ended and some guys started getting upset at my girlfriend, he dashed out (probably forgetting that he had my purse), hopped in a cab, and went home. He said when he got home he was wondering where I was and why my stuff was with him. -__- We all didn't even notice he left since we were all trying to diffuse the situation, which literally lasted like 3 mins.
I feel like I stand up for him all the time, not really in confrontations, but over the phone and service-wise if I feel like he's getting ripped off or disrespected, I'm the one who will demand to speak to a supervisor and file formal complaints, etc.

&& thanks everyone for your thoughts. Ughhhh, we have therapy on Friday so I'll lyk. I'm hoping that we can come to a solution. I've really lost interest in drinking with him. :/

 

[spacejunk]

Good luck, pd.

 

[nygiants1313]

every single guy I have ever met that had a girlfriend he was sexually attracted to would always try and find his girl when drunk because he wanted to fuck. yes red flag. i'd think when drunk if he isn't trying to get with you, he's trying to get with someone else.

regardless, if this isn't the case you are obviously at you're most vulnerable when hammered I would think your man would wanna be by your side, to kiss you, or protect you if need be.

sounds pretty lame. once is excusable, but a bunch of times is not. I look out for girls I don't even know better then your bf looks after you when out. (not that you need looking after, I don't mean it like that in a babysitter type way I hope you know what I mean.)