Why is over coming addiction so hard for us?

[w0w0mg]

I have been pondering this question for so long.
I want to stop this vicious cycle of hell, and I go thru these detoxes, the hell of it all,
and when I start feeling better, my mind tricks me into doing it all over again.

Why is this?

Why does my mind play tricks on me?
Why does it tell me it's okay? Knowing it's just going to bring back the hell of withdrawals and misery?
I fight this daily, every second it's on my mind, I have fighting the urge and it is such a struggle.
I have been addicted to opiates since I was 16 and now I am 24.
All this addiction has lead me is to jail, rehabs, mental hospitals, being homeless, and losing the trust of loved ones.
People tell me time is key - take it one day at a time - however, I have had 11 months clean once upon a time, and
I still ended up using again. The mental aspect takes over and overwhelms me - I feel like I am a lost cause and this
will just end in death eventually. I am killing myself, and the ones that love me.
NA has never helped me.
I worked steps, found sponsors, built networks, and tried my hardest to be in recovery but failed at that too.

There are some people here with years clean and I envy you all. I am here sick - shivering - nose pouring and skin crawling just wanting to feel better.
I am trying to kick this habit of IV heroin once again and it's pretty damn hard because I feel like my hope has been lost since I relapsed after about 2 weeks.
Now I am trying to fight the urge to go commit fraud to obtain money to get a fix. I am trying so hard to fight the urge.
I just feel like sometimes all hope is lost due to the fact regardless how many times I get clean, I repeat the cycle and start using again.

This is just a rant and to get some of this off my chest.
I love you all, you have all stuck by my side like nobody has ever done.
You're all like my family, that I have never had.
I wish I could hug all of you, and wish you all lived right next door because you treat me so much better and care more than anyone from NA has.

Thank you everyone. I am trying my best to get over this detox again. I am taking it slow, not trying to rush, and now allowing my mind tempt me into using.

 

[nmwfl]

NA was never beneficial for me. I do smart recovery and it really works for me. The good thing is your contemplating the change and want to take action. The whole ethos behind one day at a time is bs. If you make a true commitment with yourself not to use long term, for example this time next year I'll be sober and making moves in life. It massively takes the pressure off. The one day at a time bs can make people morn and obsess over there addiction. Instead of getting on with life and finding satisfaction from things other than drugs and drink. All the best.

 

[sliceofcake]

I wish you lived right next door too. I would bring you something warm, some tea, a bowl of pasta, a handful of gabapentin and a hug.

You have a lot of BL's pulling for you wOw. You seem like a lovely person despite your inner turmoil. Your photos on another thread indicate that you are probably intelligent, creative and complex. It's sad to know you are hurting this way.

We believe in you.

 

[w0w0mg]

Thank you so much SliceOfCake, that truly means alot.
I am trying to pull thru for everyone because I know they want to see me get better, and I want to be better too.

 

[w0w0mg]

NA was never beneficial for me. I do smart recovery and it really works for me. The good thing is your contemplating the change and want to take action. The whole ethos behind one day at a time is bs. If you make a true commitment with yourself not to use long term, for example this time next year I'll be sober and making moves in life. It massively takes the pressure off. The one day at a time bs can make people morn and obsess over there addiction. Instead of getting on with life and finding satisfaction from things other than drugs and drink. All the best.

Yes, I do agree with you on that logic. I will try to think less about the now and more about the future, hopefully that will help me out in the long run. Thanks so much for the advice. Much love

 

[cj]

Don't beat yourself up relapses are just part of the deal. Try to pinpoint the feelings you had leading up to using. Being aware of those feelings can really help you avoid relapsing in the future. Learning coping mechanisms that don't involve drugs or drinking will give you a chance at long term sobriety. If you can afford it counseling can be very beneficial in developing those tools.

 

[w0w0mg]

I have been trying to find a good outpatient - The one I am currently in just wants to put me in methadone, and I don't want to go back to MMT.. I hated it, and felt even more trapped than ever..
I would do suboxone but I can't afford it..

 

[cj]

I have been trying to find a good outpatient - The one I am currently in just wants to put me in methadone, and I don't want to go back to MMT.. I hated it, and felt even more trapped than ever..
I would do suboxone but I can't afford it..

I have done outpatient 3 times and never found it very helpful. Most of the people seemed to just be there to satisfy probation requirements. 1 to 1 counseling is the way to go if you can afford it.

 

[w0w0mg]

I don't have any insurance and I work part-time at a smoke shop.. I can't get a good job, I use to work in marketing, due to my criminal background checks.

 

[RufusWayne]

I know what you mean w0w..I been following your struggle too because I can relate in a lot of ways to the hell addiction can cause. I been meaning to make my first post but I'm sure I'll get into it more sometime. I am 31 now and been struggling with hydrocodone,oxycodone addiction off and on from about 16 on. I just recently was a week almost off morphine and it was hell...The RLS is the worst for me because I already have that some nights anyways so I was up the first 4-5 nights wanting to die anyways with the worst crawling in my whole body and awful aching, wanting to jump out of my skin feeling everyone talks so fondly about here. I did not have any help either I did not even have money for lope and was kind of sick of the whole deal with it too so I was determined to just deal with it. Many nights I spent just lurking reading everyone's posts and admiring the love that everyone shows here when
someone is having a problem.I have kicked the pills plenty of times morphine was new to me and very harsh but I guess I was hoping it would help me learn my lesson like I do sometimes quitting for months on end. This time I made it 6 days when an old friend shows up with oxycodone free nonetheless. Obviously I know my fault and mine only. I guess I'm just not that strong yet. Now relapsed for 2 days and ready for the fun again tomorrow....To the point I have never done the drugs you have specifically I just guess I would say I definitely know your struggle with the opiates and have been inspired by your story as It has reminded me of myself enough to make this post. Guess I'm just another addict pulling for a better end to your story as you deserve man. You can do this!

 

[w0w0mg]

Thanks for the support RufusWayne,
I know we can do this - It's not easy but there are so many people on here that will help us with moral support - It's great.
I am glad that you decided to sign up and post on here - Please keep me up dated on your situation and I will do that same.
We can over come this - I did it before- I know I can do it again. We will pull thru this together.
Much love to you.

 

[RufusWayne]

Thanks for the support RufusWayne,
I know we can do this - It's not easy but there are so many people on here that will help us with moral support - It's great.
I am glad that you decided to sign up and post on here - Please keep me up dated on your situation and I will do that same.
We can over come this - I did it before- I know I can do it again. We will pull thru this together.
Much love to you.

That is great man I know we can..I will certainly do that....Love and strength to you too dude..
You are so right man. I will definitely do that and we sure can.

 

[vectra]

Many reason. Availability, habbit , dependence , the people around you , I'm in the same ship. The longer I stay sober the better i feel. Eating healthy etc . Then I think oh once won't hurt. Then you end up on a binge and back to square one. Just try think about your health, the money your wasting and the hurt your causing your loved ones.

 

[w0w0mg]

I am trying to so much - I have been having to re-dose on kratom every 4 hours at about 2.5 grams and .5 mg xanax because the withdrawals start kicking back in... ughhhhh.... I hate this

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It's because the mind becomes obsessed around the drug itself, around using, and the inner thought patterns and emotions we experience. The obsession grows so strong eventually you're almost completely tuning the rest of the world out constantly.

That's probably why it's so hard. That and people are naturally resistant to change.

 

[cj]

I don't have any insurance and I work part-time at a smoke shop.. I can't get a good job, I use to work in marketing, due to my criminal background checks.

Have you ever thought about waiting tables? They don't do background checks and there is decent money to be made.

 

[wonderlandgrl]

I've been struggling with my addiction and trying to get clean. I remember having a good life having money and having real friends. Its hard BC my bf is also addicted to opiates and he supports us both. I don't even work anymore. I used to think I had accomplished so much and was proud of who I grew up to be. Now I look around and I have nothing worthwhile in my life. I am a slave to my addiction and I don't know what it would take to.get clean. The withdrawal is so hard I always relapse on 3rd day never went longer than that

 

[RufusWayne]

It's because the mind becomes obsessed around the drug itself, around using, and the inner thought patterns and emotions we experience. The obsession grows so strong eventually you're almost completely tuning the rest of the world out constantly.

That's probably why it's so hard. That and people are naturally resistant to change.

This absolutely! I always romanticize about it and how it made me feel that first time. Which even though I know it will never be like that again I accept it anyways and just whatever meager buzz i can get at this point. I guess the hardest part for me is it is better than being sober. I remember when I discovered lope and thinking it was godsend that I would not have to kick it alone anymore. But, I have changed my mind about it because it is almost like a
crutch to me or a get out of jail free card. I guess deep down the lope is not my problem i know this...It is just so hard on me because I am scared of facing my life head on without the feeling of content that the pills give me..

 

[wonderlandgrl]

I wish you lived right next door too. I would bring you something warm, some tea, a bowl of pasta, a handful of gabapentin and a hug.

You have a lot of BL's pulling for you wOw. You seem like a lovely person despite your inner turmoil. Your photos on another thread indicate that you are probably intelligent, creative and complex. It's sad to know you are hurting this way.

We believe in you.

I have heard of people getting through withdrawal with gabapentin. I'd like to get some prescribed by my Dr so I can change my life. I have taken suboxone before but its just a crutch til I have money for pills. I want so badly to turn my life around and actually have a life. I need to quit and I have my dad and my boyfriends family's support. I had an intervention over Christmas and we detoxed me and my bf for 3 days sickest I've ever been. I got a sub on the third day and I didn't want to pedal backwards but I couldn't eat or drink without vomiting. I was afraid I'd be hospitalized for dehydration. I've relapsed since and im tired of this cycle. I have no energy I stay sick and without a pill or a sub I can't function or even sleep. I watched my family go through this shit and still I got myself in the same mess. I pray I can overcome my fears and withdrawals and kick this habit for good. I've had the devil on my back for to long. Good luck to anyone trying to quit and I feel your pain. I wish I could wake up normal and healthy

 

[w0w0mg]

IT gets better - I promise you - try to taper with something - what I did was did 2 days off cold turkey and now I have been taking kratom and xanax as needed. It has been helping me ALOT. Hang in there.