wondering star
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2015
- Messages
- 5
Hi everyone
I will try to make what I say brief but I think it won't end up like that
I wanted to join a forum to help myself and also others if I can. I'm 37 years old with a wife and 2 kids under 5. I became a heroin addict when I was 17, out of naivety basically. I went through detox at a clinic, failed, then tried a number of times at home, again failed, eventually I went to Pakistan where family were going to look after me, I had an uncle who was previously an addict so he took care of me. I used on the plane and that lasted me the flight and all the intros once I arrived in Lahore. I did a clean detox, which was one of the worst experiences, but 5 days later I got out of bed and took a shower, I though I was still not well but as I washed away all the sweat etc I realised I was through the detox. I stayed in Pakistan for 8 months, dreaming about heroin every day, I even scored some (it tastes so different out there, I mean it tastes nice), when I came back to the UK I was addicted again within a week or so.
I was also about to start law school, and I went through the first term as an addict. In the xmas break I had a 24 hour detox booked at the same clinic, by this time I had convinced myself I was going to die when I did the detox, I dont know why. A 24 hour detox is basically where they load you up with loads of drugs to protect your body, and then they inject you with Naltraxone, and youre semi-conscious through it. They told me I would feel normal the next day, it took me a year to get to normal. I passed my first year of my degree by the skin of my teeth, and suddenly all was good. I was on my way to being a lawyer, I had a firm I worked at, and I was totally over the heroin thing.
Skip forward ten years and I get married, i also started a masters degree, but I had been using H and C periodically for a couple of years and I thought I had it under control (if you think you can control it, sorry, but youre deluding yourself). Anyway a group of dealers showed up in our town. They had the best H and C I had ever had and were proper organised, I was addicted again within a few months. luckily after the degree I had a year out which was good, but I was to begin a PhD in October, my addiction started about January. I came clean with my family and wife and basically started trying to detox every other week, I must have done about 10 - 15 during those months, but as always four or five days after my system was clear I would go and score again. It was different to my detox in Pakistan, where I felt fine after the H was out of my system, this time I would always feel crap, and having kids to deal with and the guilt of not being there for them was killing me. I went to an addiction help centre to get on a script for meth or something, but three weeks in a row they couldnt get the doc to examine me as he was too busy. So I ended up detoxing again at home, during which time I missed an appointment with the clinic and they reported me to child services. That was another horrible time but I had worked in the civil service and law firms and I kinda knew how do deal with them, so within a month they were off my case. I was using again though, because of what I thought was PAWS which stopped me from working or having family time, basically no energy or interest in anything. A month before my PhD started I detoxed for the last time, for 2 months I was in the PAWS hole, then I started getting subutex from a friend. I've been on the subs for about a year now, I take 1mg a day, sometimes less, sometimes I miss a day too now. I don't know if its psychological or what, but 1mg of suboxone a day to me is worth the fact i can do my work and spend time with my kids and wife most importantly.
I still use H n C every now and then, last time was today, before that, maybe 2 weeks. All the dealers got busted and so its not easily accessible anymore. I'm really pissed off that I used again today, I ended up chucking about half of the H away, I used all the crack. People might think I had a lot of family support, but it wasnt like that this time, it was daily hell and no-one trusted me or thought I would get out this time - not that I am out fullly. I see kids aged 20 who are addicts and I think about my first addiction, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about it back then, trying to train my brain. 5 years later I was working in central london as a lawyer. So please please please, however bad it is, however much you feel alone, you have the strength to get over it. I used to look at people and just think how lucky they are, that they have normal lives cos in the end the H just becomes a means of being able to function.
I said I would keep this brief, and it's not brief at all. But the point was to tell people that the struggle is something not many understand, I also wanted to confess to using today. Anyway, that's my story more or less. I hope someone might find it useful, and feel free to contact me. I'm no expert, but if you need to talk, openly or privately, then just message me. Lastly, I'm sorry if you're deep in an addiction, but if I can get back to a sort of normal life then no reason anyone else cant. God bless.
WS
I will try to make what I say brief but I think it won't end up like that
I wanted to join a forum to help myself and also others if I can. I'm 37 years old with a wife and 2 kids under 5. I became a heroin addict when I was 17, out of naivety basically. I went through detox at a clinic, failed, then tried a number of times at home, again failed, eventually I went to Pakistan where family were going to look after me, I had an uncle who was previously an addict so he took care of me. I used on the plane and that lasted me the flight and all the intros once I arrived in Lahore. I did a clean detox, which was one of the worst experiences, but 5 days later I got out of bed and took a shower, I though I was still not well but as I washed away all the sweat etc I realised I was through the detox. I stayed in Pakistan for 8 months, dreaming about heroin every day, I even scored some (it tastes so different out there, I mean it tastes nice), when I came back to the UK I was addicted again within a week or so. I was also about to start law school, and I went through the first term as an addict. In the xmas break I had a 24 hour detox booked at the same clinic, by this time I had convinced myself I was going to die when I did the detox, I dont know why. A 24 hour detox is basically where they load you up with loads of drugs to protect your body, and then they inject you with Naltraxone, and youre semi-conscious through it. They told me I would feel normal the next day, it took me a year to get to normal. I passed my first year of my degree by the skin of my teeth, and suddenly all was good. I was on my way to being a lawyer, I had a firm I worked at, and I was totally over the heroin thing.
Skip forward ten years and I get married, i also started a masters degree, but I had been using H and C periodically for a couple of years and I thought I had it under control (if you think you can control it, sorry, but youre deluding yourself). Anyway a group of dealers showed up in our town. They had the best H and C I had ever had and were proper organised, I was addicted again within a few months. luckily after the degree I had a year out which was good, but I was to begin a PhD in October, my addiction started about January. I came clean with my family and wife and basically started trying to detox every other week, I must have done about 10 - 15 during those months, but as always four or five days after my system was clear I would go and score again. It was different to my detox in Pakistan, where I felt fine after the H was out of my system, this time I would always feel crap, and having kids to deal with and the guilt of not being there for them was killing me. I went to an addiction help centre to get on a script for meth or something, but three weeks in a row they couldnt get the doc to examine me as he was too busy. So I ended up detoxing again at home, during which time I missed an appointment with the clinic and they reported me to child services. That was another horrible time but I had worked in the civil service and law firms and I kinda knew how do deal with them, so within a month they were off my case. I was using again though, because of what I thought was PAWS which stopped me from working or having family time, basically no energy or interest in anything. A month before my PhD started I detoxed for the last time, for 2 months I was in the PAWS hole, then I started getting subutex from a friend. I've been on the subs for about a year now, I take 1mg a day, sometimes less, sometimes I miss a day too now. I don't know if its psychological or what, but 1mg of suboxone a day to me is worth the fact i can do my work and spend time with my kids and wife most importantly.
I still use H n C every now and then, last time was today, before that, maybe 2 weeks. All the dealers got busted and so its not easily accessible anymore. I'm really pissed off that I used again today, I ended up chucking about half of the H away, I used all the crack. People might think I had a lot of family support, but it wasnt like that this time, it was daily hell and no-one trusted me or thought I would get out this time - not that I am out fullly. I see kids aged 20 who are addicts and I think about my first addiction, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about it back then, trying to train my brain. 5 years later I was working in central london as a lawyer. So please please please, however bad it is, however much you feel alone, you have the strength to get over it. I used to look at people and just think how lucky they are, that they have normal lives cos in the end the H just becomes a means of being able to function.
I said I would keep this brief, and it's not brief at all. But the point was to tell people that the struggle is something not many understand, I also wanted to confess to using today. Anyway, that's my story more or less. I hope someone might find it useful, and feel free to contact me. I'm no expert, but if you need to talk, openly or privately, then just message me. Lastly, I'm sorry if you're deep in an addiction, but if I can get back to a sort of normal life then no reason anyone else cant. God bless.
WS
