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☮ Social ☮ [PD Social General Talk Thread] Observation Tank for Fractallized Redundancy Modules

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The wedding went great. :) Two PDers now married by my hand. I'm drunk with the power! :sus: ;)

It was a beautiful ceremony though, up on the parkway with close friends and local family. Lots of love and smiles and laughter. Afterwards we played various good music from a car stereo and had a dance party, then went to dinner. After that I played a show, it went pretty well. On Saturday we have another show... that will make 4 shows in 8 days. More on the way. Pretty exciting, and also a lot of work. We're comin' along. :)
 
So I saw a FB post from Thievery Corp yesterday about a New Year's Eve show in Austin and made some comment to my friend about how of course there was an awesome NYE show in my hometown now that I don't live there... And today I found out I'll be in Austin for the holidays after all.

Xorkoth said:
A really good report just got published on Erowid about heroin addiction... I relate to this a lot (I wasn't on heroin but I certainly was severely addicted to opiates and the thoughts described are exactly how my mind worked then): https://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=85618
Click to expand...

This was basically my life this time last year. The details were different (my hookup came in the mail, not a friend's apartment; I was sniffing ECH, not smoking tar; etc.) but the mindset was exactly the same. I was smart enough to know I couldn't go on like that forever, but good enough at self-deception to convince myself, each and every day, that it would just go on a bit longer. Just finish out this bag... Okay, this bag is gone and I'm in withdrawal, just a little more to get me through the week... Okay, the week is over and this bag is almost gone too, I'd better re-up so I don't have to go through withdrawals again. Fuuuuuuuck that noise.

LSDMDMA&13326176 said:
Any of you doges on steam?
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^ Yup. Same username and avatar, display name Soli. Weirdly enough, there *is* another account using the name 'solistus'... So either my completely made up, not a word in any language username is less creative than I thought, or I have a fan I don't know about :P Won't be on much for the next month, though, till I get back to Chicago and my gaming PC. Then, Fallout for dayssssss.
 
Played Fallout 4 yesterday at a friend's. I need to update my computer, that shit was dope.
 
Yall got any plans for NYE? Getting tickets to go see the cheese at first bank. Went a couple years ago and it was an amazing show and one hell of a party. Those guys get hated on a lot and I am not a huge fan of some of their songs and I've seen some sets I don't like, but they also consistently blow me away. Doses help tho. ;)

Here's a clip from the countdown. It gets going around 7:30 with acrobatics and pyro and stuff. :)

 
solistus said:
This was basically my life this time last year. The details were different (my hookup came in the mail, not a friend's apartment; I was sniffing ECH, not smoking tar; etc.) but the mindset was exactly the same. I was smart enough to know I couldn't go on like that forever, but good enough at self-deception to convince myself, each and every day, that it would just go on a bit longer. Just finish out this bag... Okay, this bag is gone and I'm in withdrawal, just a little more to get me through the week... Okay, the week is over and this bag is almost gone too, I'd better re-up so I don't have to go through withdrawals again. Fuuuuuuuck that noise.
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Exact same for me, except I was doing kratom and then poppy tea. Kratom was actually worse, because I'd start withdrawing 4-5 hours after my last dose, I'd wake up in the middle of every night to dose so I could keep sleeping. Poppy tea was a longer withdrawal though and also harder to quit psychologically. Anyway, yeah, every single fucking day I promised myself it was the last day, and every single day I failed and it shredded my self-esteem a little more. it's amazing how your entire life can come to focus on getting high. it's not just to avoid withdrawal either, that's just the surface reason. if it was just about withdrawal I would have only had 4 months on opiates, and been able to quit many times. Withdrawal sucks (sucks major ass, in ways that those who haven't experienced it can't understand), but the mental addiction was the real issue.

SO GLAD that's all in the past. It's been since April 2014 that I last had an opiate, so over a year and a half. Haven't even craved since then one time, other than a few passing wistful wishes I could still use opiates when I had a really bad hangover or something. ibogaine really was a miracle for me.
 
Xorkoth said:
it's amazing how your entire life can come to focus on getting high. it's not just to avoid withdrawal either, that's just the surface reason.
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Agreed, and i'm so happy to have that addiction behind me as well.
Thanks for that link, xorkoth - it was a good read in the sense that i could relate to the hopelessness of it.
And like you, i sustained my habit with poppy tea.

I'm still in awe of your inogaine flood dose trip report - and though i would have loved to have had a similarly miraculous 'cure' from my opiate jones, i've really worked through a hell of a lot of psychological stuff since - and in the process of - getting clean.
I'm really thankful for having such good people in my life and such good (free) counselling and detox services available for addicts where i live in australia. Saved my life, man. <3
 
Have y'all ever noticed how beautiful our founding fathers handwriting was? I found an image of an old letter Benjamin Franklin wrote. His casual handwriting was beautiful and complicated. Most other people now have simple scribbly handwriting and require lined paper. Logically I thought Benjamin Franklin was an exception and scribbly handwriting was also normal then. I was wrong. The other founding fathers also had beautiful and complicated handwriting. Those were different times.

https://www.google.com/search?q=Benjamin+Franklin+letter&gbv=1&tbm=isch
https://www.google.com/search?q=John+Adams+letter&gbv=1&tbm=isch
https://www.google.com/search?q=Thomas+Jefferson+letter&gbv=1&tbm=isch
 
spacejunk said:
Agreed, and i'm so happy to have that addiction behind me as well.
Thanks for that link, xorkoth - it was a good read in the sense that i could relate to the hopelessness of it.
And like you, i sustained my habit with poppy tea.

I'm still in awe of your inogaine flood dose trip report - and though i would have loved to have had a similarly miraculous 'cure' from my opiate jones, i've really worked through a hell of a lot of psychological stuff since - and in the process of - getting clean.
I'm really thankful for having such good people in my life and such good (free) counselling and detox services available for addicts where i live in australia. Saved my life, man. <3
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Glad to hear it. :) Opiate addiction is horrific. My ex would always tell me I just didn't want to stop and was being weak but it's more complicated than that.

Yeah ibogaine saved my life for sure. It was fairly unlike other peoples' reports but I think it was what I needed. I already knew why I had gotten addicted to opiates, I didn't need to review my life. I got addicted because I have an addictive personality at first, and I used them to celebrate life. Then I kept using them and it got so bad because I was covering up the pain of an abusive long-term relationship, but by the time I took ibogaine I had already rid myself of her. At that point it was purely habitual/physical, and I was very, very physically addicted. So rather than show me my life in a conscious manner, ibogaine instead gave me a long series of weird and abstract dreams where I was completely unaware I was dreaming and only was aware of the dream I was in at the time. These dreams were allegories about my situation but I wasn't aware of that at the time either. I feel like what I needed was some deep subconscious garbage removal, which is what I got. I came out of it not addicted to opiates and with the strong desire and motivation to get healthy in other ways, but it wasn't because I had some deep realization. It felt like ibogaine physically cleaned my brain.

SteamboatBillJr said:
Have y'all ever noticed how beautiful our founding fathers handwriting was? I found an image of an old letter Benjamin Franklin wrote. His casual handwriting was beautiful and complicated. Most other people now have simple scribbly handwriting and require lined paper. Logically I thought Benjamin Franklin was an exception and scribbly handwriting was also normal then. I was wrong. The other founding fathers also had beautiful and complicated handwriting. Those were different times.

https://www.google.com/search?q=Benjamin+Franklin+letter&gbv=1&tbm=isch
https://www.google.com/search?q=John+Adams+letter&gbv=1&tbm=isch
https://www.google.com/search?q=Thomas+Jefferson+letter&gbv=1&tbm=isch
Click to expand...

Yeah writing (and books) used to be more of an art form. I think it's was largely because of two reasons; for one, it was a skill that many fewer people had and was a mark of status/education. And also because writing was the only means of recording words back then. Now we have computers and we can type and store language information in different ways, so writing has sort of gone by the wayside. I know for me, I only write if I have to because I can type literally 10 times faster.

My grandma had beautiful handwriting too.
 
The only times I was dependent on opiates were brief and ended with my losing access to them, plus I never felt bad about being an addict, so I didn't string myself along rationalizing not quitting on any particularly day. Though it is really damned depressing to live solely for the minute of good feelings you have after shooting up.

steamboat said:
Have y'all ever noticed how beautiful our founding fathers handwriting was?
Click to expand...

Give them a ballpoint pen and their handwriting wouldn't look quite so nice. These days we aren't taught with dip/fountain pens, or taught the proper way to hold a pen or sit while writing.

Edit: I'm a chrysanthemum from now until Advent, when I will of course be a poinsettia. In the language of the flowers, the yellow chrysanthemum means slighted love.
 
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I try not to think about my time on heroin. I dont like reading about it (using heroin),talking about it, none of that. I lost too much and that by it. I stole a lot, i lied a lot, i did a lot of bad things to get money, id get fucked up and be out in public obviously high as shit/nodding, id be high at work, i have track marks that scarred over and still havent gone away, ive got a criminal record, ive been to jail, all that. I dont think anyone can really know or truly understand what it is like to be strung out shooting heroin until they live the life. I dont believe users of weaker opiates and non IV users can really understand what being addicted to heroin is really like. I think IV heroin is a whole different ballpark to low grade opiate use yaknow.
My heart is tormented knowing i hurt sf so much (not physically, emotionally) by embarassing her, lieing to her, making her have to live with anxiety every night wondering if her boyfriend is gonna die every night, in the middle of the night. I also neglected her really bad, made her feel ugly because i wasnt showing any attraction towards her (because of being high on dope), didnt support her in a bad time of her life. I didnt deserve the love she was giving me. I never wanted to hurt her. I didnt mean to. I was being so selfish because getting high was more important than she was. She didnt trust me not to steal her stuff when id be at her house.
Idc too much about what i did to myself but i am tormented by guilt, shame, and remorse for how I hurt her still to this day. I was a very bad boyfriend to her. All she ever did was love me, make me happy, help/support me when i needed it, and I treated her like shit back. And to this day i still love her. More than i ever have before, but i ruined our relationship. I dream of just getting her back. Getting to hold her tight and cuddle all night. Kissing her slowly. Holding hands. Running my fingers through her hair.
Laying in bed cuddling and talking. Laughing with her. Making her smile. Knowing that when shes with me, she opens up and becomes so happy when shes with me.
There is so much more I miss about her/more that i dream (literally) about getting back.
 
Sorry for the doublepost but i cant edit posts on my phone or the post gets erased.
My addiction fed off of my loneliness and years of being socially rejected. To me, that is more important than the fact that I dealt with an addiction.
The early 20s are supposed to be the prime of your life socially and sexually. I havent ever known what it is like to have an active, healthy social life or an active, regular sex life. Those two things bother me more than knowing i lived the way i did. I dont think I will ever be loved again. SF was special. Shes an amazing person and that is why (i think) she was able to fall in love with me, and look past my imperfections/troubles/rejection by others, in order to see things in me that I couldnt. I am worried that I wont be able to win her back and this nightmare Ive been living in since I was 12.
I just hope that i might get to have sex one time again before 2016. Ive gotten absolutely none in 2015, not so much as a kiss
 
I still have this AMT to try sitting in my drawer. I am on a very tiny dose of Effexor but think I will be off of all the meds very soon. I am going off of them one at a time . I am looking foward to it. However, you cannot find a scale locally. It looks like I will have to online order. Any ideas what activities are best on this? I have done LSD and shrooms, and we always just hung out in a nice safe area. Not sure what else to do, maybe just hang out.
 
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