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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Relapsed...

szuko000 said:
First off let me start by saying there is never whining as long as it is constructive, these very emotional topics and it can be hard if not impossible to take the emotion out of the convo. Methadone is an opiate and like all opiates it is addictive and it does cause discomfort getting off. It is however worlds better then acting as if maintaining a heroin addiction is possible for an extended period. I know it may sound to you as if you are not a good candidate for methadone yet you are putting a strain on your relationship with opiates, you called it a relapse suggesting you struggle with this, and you want to change it. It does kind of sound like a good candidate for methadone. It is a big life decision but i implore that you weigh your options realistically. You say you are getting left behind and you dont know what to do I would worry those feelings are going to make you being an addict.\

Relationships are tricky and being on drugs only complicate everything. You say its a toxic relationship and it may be but thats only because of drugs it seems. It is very hard to over come something together as you need to rely on the other person so much but if you can draw strength from each other instead of reinforcing bad behavior it can change but it wont be easy. The biggest thing you need to do is focus on yourself you will be more attractive once you get more confidence in your future but that only comes through accomplishments.You are in therapy and thats great what about doing a couples session? My girl and i are going to do one with her therapist at some point even thought we are in a good spot now (after coming out of a very terrible toxic past complete with everyone saying she was using me or i was using her) so it may seem like we dont need it but i think everyone can benefit from therapy as you get to discuss why thnigs are how they are.

It seems like you are trying to better youreself and posting here means you really want to.
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I agree with you about methadone.

@Rast4man, I have used it for 7 long years and this is something nearly impossible to quit.
I would give a lot of thought before using methadone as you may find yourself linked to this strong and long acting medication for the rest of your life.

As for the relapse. I'm sober for 7 months and had gone through this in the past.
Suggest you start over. It's not too late.
Good luck!
 
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I think OP would benefit from trying suboxone before going all the way with methadone. The withdrawals aren't much better but at least you don't have to deal with the clinic bullshit.
 
Thank you Erikmen. I am not going to use methadone, I just don't see the reward out weighing the risks. At this point, it is just toxic in this relationship and I need to remove myself from it. We literally just got into it once again. We can't talk whatsoever so I don't know what else to do.
 
Hey Rast4mon ;) You can get clean one more time and this time, just never pick up that first one and then you wont have to sit in boring AA meetings twice a day for the rest of your life :) Weed mixed w/ lo dose sub or methadone feels great, and no one will fuck with you anymore :) Good luck! I am home alone right now and could go shoot some dilaudids, but tbph it just aint worth the shitty feelings afterward. Time for a jog through the woods. Sorry about your lady troubles. Yeah the nice ones don't like dudes on dope :(
 
Thanks CfZ. The whole thing is I don't even use drugs normally. I only used them with her after like many years. I prefer to drink but I've had problems with it in the past. Been through AA and the steps numerous times. So, the drug thing was relatively new and I did it thinking we would have fun together. Boy, was I wrong about that one.
 
I hear you. Sad thing is, since she has the option of going to the methadone clinic, she is acting like she is sitting on a pedestal acting like she is so much better than me. I had to endure the suffering from being sick and the only thing she offered me was telling me how fortunate I am because I only did pills for a month so it will be over very fast. Meanwhile she gets to go to the clinic and is fine. So she is being hypocritical and pretty shitty overall especially the fighting. I still am feeling resentful about that.

When she was sick, I unfortunately made the choice to call a friend and get her something. I relapsed over this shit then endured a month of spending every penny we had and feeling like shit but she got a free pass and didn't have to go through being sick because she went to the clinic.

Needless to say, the drugs royally fucked things up for us and now the relationship is over. I would have thought that we would work together to get clean and stay clean but since she started methadone again, she is like a robot with no emotions. No sympathy, compassion or anything. So I get to do this more or less alone. Thankfully I have a few people I can talk to and my therapist so it's going to get better, it just sucks that I don't have the help and support by my girlfriend, the woman who claims to love me. Such is life though when drugs come into the picture.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me rant. :(
 
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rast4man said:
I hear you. Sad thing is, since she has the option of going to the methadone clinic, she is acting like she is sitting on a pedestal acting like she is so much better than me. I had to endure the suffering from being sick and the only thing she offered me was telling me how fortunate I am because I only did pills for a month so it will be over very fast. Meanwhile she gets to go to the clinic and is fine. So she is being hypocritical and pretty shitty overall especially the fighting. I still am feeling resentful about that.

When she was sick, I unfortunately made the choice to call a friend and get her something. I relapsed over this shit then endured a month of spending every penny we had and feeling like shit but she got a free pass and didn't have to go through being sick because she went to the clinic.

Needless to say, the drugs royally fucked things up for us and now the relationship is over. I would have thought that we would work together to get clean and stay clean but since she started methadone again, she is like a robot with no emotions. No sympathy, compassion or anything. So I get to do this more or less alone. Thankfully I have a few people I can talk to and my therapist so it's going to get better, it just sucks that I don't have the help and support by my girlfriend, the woman who claims to love me. Such is life though when drugs come into the picture.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me rant. :(
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Yeah that's a bitch move on her part but I bet you money her methadone counselor is telling her to leave you. I really think you should find a way to get on suboxone man. Your really a good candidate for it. Only used pills but struggling to get clean after multiple relapses over time. But you gotta work with what you got.

I'm on methadone myself so I don't really have any advice on the route your going cause I could never do it. But I do want to wish you luck and remind you that it's not how many times you get knocked down. It's how many times you get back up that matters.
 
As discussed by previous posters, yes, methadone can be great. One problem I have with the clinics is that the rules are becoming much more stringent. Be sure to check out your state's regulations on:

a) take home medication and the phases regarding them
b) vacation medication and the rules surrounding them
c) hours of operation and what groups you might be required to attend
d) what prescription drugs might be a problem (many places, at least in NJ, won't admit you if you take benzos, Rx and all, and then they restrict your take-home bottles, or phases).
e) if anyone can fill in something important please fill free

Methadone is tough to come off of, but with a successful taper it can be fine. It's just that it takes a long time. And by long I mean years. Nonetheless, if you have a serious street habit that can't be beat, you should consider methadone. Bupe is another possibility, from what I know it's easier to taper but to be honest IDK much about it and how hard it can be to taper. Search here and I'm sure you'll find info - I do know that many specialists can prescribe it straight-up (IOW you won't have to wake up early in the morning, attend groups, go through urine testing, etc. etc. just to get that dose - something to consider especially once you begin considering a career.

Peace,

mandraxx
 
At this point, I don't want Subutex or Methadone. Easier said than done but I have to prove to myself that I can do this. Worst case scenario, I will go to a detox and get the help I need there. I am starting a new job Tuesday and have an opportunity to get into a Sober Living Facility.

My concern is even with the new job, I wouldn't get paid for 2 weeks so I have to figure out how to do that. I am also living in the same house as the zombie, and it's not getting any easier. We fight daily even if I ignore her. I tried to talk to her and say that if we could leave with closure and maybe some good memories, this would be easier but she told me tonight "I talked to my therapist tonight and he said there is nothing wrong with me being emotionless right now." While that may or may not be good advice, she always said that her therapist is there to help her and not tell her what to do. Now it's changed.

I've tried to be civil, I've tried to try to make this amicable and I've tried to at least reminisce about the good times and not the month of shit but, the methadone changed her completely and that's another reason I don't want methadone. I'm trying to accept that she doesn't want to show emotions right now and therefore, neither do I. It's unbalanced that I'm trying something..anything and she gave up. So be it.

I'm going to do my best to move on. The addiction aspect, emotional aspect and lack of physical has really drained me and I need to just focus on nothing but me right now. Easier said than done but here I go.
 
Just an update. It seems, for me, that all of the mental stress I was dealing with with my relationahip was the main cause of me using. Now that I have a handle on it and I've come to terms and set boundaries, I'm able to think clearer and I don't want to run and score something every time I'm stressed. I consider this huge for me!
 
Glad to hear it. I have been keeping up with your threads and I really think trying to focus on sobriety PLUS dealing with the relationship has not been doing you any favors. It's hard to do ANYTHING else when you are trying to clean up your act.

I would really focus on you right now, and your health. If the two of you are meant to be and she loves you she will understand that you must focus on yourself now and she must focus on herself before the two of you can have a healthy union with each other. I really hope it all works out for you, and I am sure it will!

Best wishes to you!

:)
 
Thank you kindly. As I kind of figured would happen, her and I are talking. We both agreed that we aren't ready to let go. The problem is our past. We don't know how to deal with it at this point. What advice I have been given, here and in my life, is to work on me. I am trying to do that as best as I xan. Sadly, because I love her so much, I want to try to see if we can do it again, give it another try.

I'm not sure what the future holds and I've made a few bad decisions as of late, but I am working as much as I can, trying to stay sober and now just being nice to her. We both recognize the need for outside help and we are thinking we shouldn't live together. Just the thought of having to move out brings anxiety because I woukd leave her the house, car and even my cat and just try to find a roommate situation for now. It's not impossible but it's not going to be easy and I can already tell I have a little resentment popping up because she will have those things mentioned and I have to start over.

I'm ready to take charge of my life and I'm doing it. Now that we are talking again, more questions are arising than answers. This is a really tough situation I'm in and I wish I had some answers. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thank you for the kind words, they help more than you know.
 
I'm up on a YEAR of my benzo detox. A YEAR. I've gone down from 240mg diazepam/day to 3.75mg. The bottom bit is harder than the early bit. Lucky, my lady is in my corner and reduces me very week. To begin with, I could drop 5mg at a time, now it's 0.25mg every week. I MAY have to go to my GP to ask for diazepam solution. He's the only male doctor who shows a)empathy & b)comfort when I discuss the technical bits. HE knows his job is an Art & a Science, I just know chemicals so he's happy to read papers I get him and he's happy for me to ask for what I need. Make sure YOU have a good GP - I've had much better luck with women but he's great. He does his job - looking after my health and I nailed down the most effective antidepressant for him. People cannot believe that amitriptyline works for a higher % than any other drug. Of course, the risk is that taking a months supply is suicide. Think of Nick Drake: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idcaRTg4-fM the 5/4 time signature makes it trickier to play than most.
 
Congrats clubcard!!

An update:

Well the girlfriend and I have been so up and down that it finally took an emotion toll. We are now forced to move out of our place and all we do is fight now. There is no civil conversations, no trying and no love, whatsoever. I have slipped a few times over the past few weeks while she is still on methadone. I'm going to move into a Sober Living place so I'm surrounded by others that are trying to do the same thing as me; find happiness. It sucks about my relationship but it's time to move on. The drugs really destroyed everything we had left. This will be a stressful few weeks but I'm going to do my best. Cross your fingers for me and send so.e positive vibes please.
 
rast4man said:
Congrats clubcard!!

An update:

Well the girlfriend and I have been so up and down that it finally took an emotion toll. We are now forced to move out of our place and all we do is fight now. There is no civil conversations, no trying and no love, whatsoever. I have slipped a few times over the past few weeks while she is still on methadone. I'm going to move into a Sober Living place so I'm surrounded by others that are trying to do the same thing as me; find happiness. It sucks about my relationship but it's time to move on. The drugs really destroyed everything we had left. This will be a stressful few weeks but I'm going to do my best. Cross your fingers for me and send so.e positive vibes please.
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I am sorry to hear it didn't work out. Keep your head up. I think a sober living environment is a good idea.
 
Congratulations! Sober living is an awesome choice! Wooohoooo! Based on the details you've shared I trust that you have been through sober living before...yay! I have very tall hopes for you! Please keep is updated :)
 
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