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Relapsed...

rast4man

rast4man

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 11, 2015
Messages
57
Location
Florida
I guess I can't call it a relapse since I feel I would have had to put at least a week together... So it was 4 days and today, I got the bright idea of using. The worst part is my girlfriend knew I was high and on that, searched around and confirmed it by finding my stuff. I lied when confronted for numerous reasons. This really sucks because just last night I told her how determined I am about getting our relationship on point. I really feel like an asshole and she isn't thrilled whatsoever. Things just are getting worse and worse and it's only been less than a week. I'm trying to dust myself off and get back up. I contacted my drug and alcohol counselor today and have an appointment for Monday. I'm trying to get back up but I am really concerned about my relationship right now. This is a position I truly wish I wasn't in but nevertheless, I earned it by lying to her about my using. This, plus other drama over the past month, has really put us in a very uncertain position. I know I need to focus on me but I don't want to lose her. She said she would still be here but I can tell how disappointed she is in me and it is tearing my heart up. Monday can't come fast enough.
 
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Ill leave the relationship advise to those with more skills in that department. I just wanted to commend you on making the appointment with the counselor. While relapse does suck its how you respond to it that determines whether it is a net positive or a net negative in your recovery. I suggest you write down everything you can remember about how you felt before you used, what your mood was, thoughts where ect. This will help you identify triggers and thought patterns that lead to trouble. Don't beat yourself up man this is a marathon not a sprint and setbacks are just part of the game.
 
Thank you. It's just tough in every aspect. The relationship is affected as well as my own personal self. I am going to just try to get through today as best I can and see my counselor tomorrow to make a plan. I appreciate your encouragement.
 
Thank you for asking but that is tomorrow, Monday. Honestly, it can't come too soon. Today has been emotional hell and I'm pretty sure that my relationship with my girlfriend is over. It has not been a good day whatsoever.
 
Hey man, we are in a similar boat aren't we...I'm sorry about the fuck up, 4 days is really good though for a first attempt! I only made it 2. Next time make it 6 days, tell your girl every day how much effort you're putting into it and if you fuck up again, tell her! She'll be able to trust you if you tell her the truth even when it's bad news and you can get more support. Just keep going because 4 days is a big first step, you just need to take another
 
rast4man said:
Thank you for asking but that is tomorrow, Monday. Honestly, it can't come too soon. Today has been emotional hell and I'm pretty sure that my relationship with my girlfriend is over. It has not been a good day whatsoever.
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Ah, ok, these "yesterday" tags on the posts confuse me but I guess I could have figured out you weren't going to a counselor on Sunday since you must be in the US.:\

You are working on something huge right now--lots of things in your life may fall apart while you try your hardest to heal your own life. That has to be your priority and if it is, things will start to come together more over time. It is so difficult to weather the transitions in life--how do we know they are transitions and that we are not stuck in all the confusion and fallout? Because the decision to heal from the inside out is its own reward. Relationships change with or without substance abuse. Getting strong enough and self-sufficient enough inside to grieve a lost relationship but not be undone by it is possible. Keep going forward and be your own best friend. You know that what you are doing is both vulnerable and heroic in ways that no one else will ever see. <3
 
Thank you. It is so damn hard right now with the whole relationship aspect and the staying clean. It happened so fast, I'm having a difficult time trying to manage both. We live together and it is just sad amongst us at this point. No communication, just arguing and when there is no arguing, there is nothing to talk about. Akward silence.

I need to do this for me but I'm a little overwhelmed while being very disappointed how her and I are handling everything. At least I can talk to someone today.
 
It is important to realize that our behavior effects everyone around us, even those we dont mean or even know it does. If you have been in a serious committed relationship with her and you have been together for a while odds are she will cool down and come back provided you make a dramatic change that shows you are not only on the right path but you value her more then a drug and thus will not use because it will make her upset.

I know you dont want to loose her but you need to realize you need to fix yourself and the reasons why you use before she will be able to trust you again but the nice thing about relationships that they *should* be a long term thing and time is where trust comes from.

It also sounds like she does not use or this would have been a massive problem. I have been in a relationship before during and after then during and now after a heroin addiction and that is all with the same girl. I got clean before she did relapsed and took her with me this time and we are both far happier clean then ever before but you need to value life more then drugs and that can be very hard. There have been so many hardships for us and life didnt get easier when we got clean we just got clean so it was more depressing but on average better. The longer we go down this path the easier it will be and i will never relapse now that she is clean because my relapse means hers as well and i would literally kill myself before i jeopardize her life again. We got into it together, completely like opiates once a year before we met, and got clean together now i think staying clean will be easy for us because we risk destorying the other by relapse. My first relapse was needed to get her on methadone but I do not get the option again.

There are no right or wrong answers for how to proceed with the relationship but you need to realize, and i think you already do, that there is way more at risk here then just YOUR future but rather your future together.

Was she a former addict or anything? Dont give up you are on the right path and its never easy. Happiness is waiting for you though, as it does for all who seek it.
 
She did use with me, she kind of introduced me into it but now she went to the methadone clinic and she is okay. I was left to have to be sick and get over it, hence the relapse after 5 days. I love her and we agree we both need to work on ourselves. At this point, I am going to save money and move out and she says she still wants to talk and be together but not focus on the relationship. If things go well, then in time, we can work on it. I feel like it is a carrot being dangled in a sense. We were suppose to do this very thing when I moved out last time but she asked me to move back in and I did. That's when the drug use began because she was sick from not being able to go to the clinic. Now she goes and making all these decisions where I'm sitting here with nothing and have to move out. It really sucks but I know I have to help myself. I love her so much and just didn't imagine this would happen again.
 
Is there any particular reason why you can not go on methadone too? I am assuming there is something preventing you because that would probably be the best place to start. If you can not go to the clinic and get clean that way what out suboxone or even if you have to obtaining them illegally? If you were using heroin you should have been at the tail end of withdrawal so what made you relapse? Exploring the feelings or things that lead you to use and why you were able to silence all the hang ups about doing it again is crucial to getting better. It could be anything from a fear of the future, like you said shes starting to change as people do when they get clean and unfortunately thats the point where you either have to step aside or follow her.

I think you need to ask yourself, what can i do to improve myself what am i passionate about where did i find the lust for life i had before all of this? If you can fix yourself you wont believe how much more confident and ready for the future you will appear. If this clean life is new for both of you I wouldnt be surprised if one of you gets a lot of confidence and resents their old stagnant life and wants to change the way things are. Opiates, though very relaxing, breed content through that and at least in my experience once you get clean you have to find a meaningful way to put that energy. If you continue to use she will be forced to leave yuo because you arent keeping up.

Good luck, it is possible to fix this through fixing you and that is the only way it will be stable.
 
I don't take methadone because I don't use regularly. The last time I had a major problem with drugs was in 2012 and before that, never really. So as my girlfriend put it, I wouldn't qualify and because I'm not a hardcore user like her (15 years of using). Everyone advised me not to start it because it is one of the hardest things to come off of so it would be better to seek other help. That being said, I'm more of an alcoholic and have had 8 years of sobriety and 2 years, respectively. I relapsed this past time after the 2 years while in the relationship with her. That is a part of my therapy that I have to discuss because there is a reason I picked back up because of something that wasn't good with her and I. The same goes for her as well with the drugs this time. There is a lot of damage that has been done over the past year and a half. I'd like to stay hopeful about us working it out but as of right now, the only focus is on all of the negative and nothing positive. Hell, we haven't even touched each other for a week except the few kisses goodnight

Just typing out about relapsing after 2 years while in a relationship with her raised the red flags again. Her and I have had a very unstable and toxic relationship over the past year and a half. We both love each other but we've drank together and that was a nightmare and then the drugs and a new nightmare began.

I have a lot of work and what is hurting me the most is I have to do it alone. I don't feel she can be or really wants to be there for me right now.

Sorry, I'm whining. I am just really hurting inside over all of this right now. I finally got to talk to someone so that is a positive and we are going to put a plan together to get me out of this. Thank you for your input everyone, it really means a lot right now. I have very little support and this place is part of that and I'm grateful.
 
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  1. First off let me start by saying there is never whining as long as it is constructive, these very emotional topics and it can be hard if not impossible to take the emotion out of the convo. Methadone is an opiate and like all opiates it is addictive and it does cause discomfort getting off. It is however worlds better then acting as if maintaining a heroin addiction is possible for an extended period. I know it may sound to you as if you are not a good candidate for methadone yet you are putting a strain on your relationship with opiates, you called it a relapse suggesting you struggle with this, and you want to change it. It does kind of sound like a good candidate for methadone. It is a big life decision but i implore that you weigh your options realistically. You say you are getting left behind and you dont know what to do I would worry those feelings are going to make you being an addict.

    \​
  2. Relationships are tricky and being on drugs only complicate everything. You say its a toxic relationship and it may be but thats only because of drugs it seems. It is very hard to over come something together as you need to rely on the other person so much but if you can draw strength from each other instead of reinforcing bad behavior it can change but it wont be easy. The biggest thing you need to do is focus on yourself you will be more attractive once you get more confidence in your future but that only comes through accomplishments.

    You are in therapy and thats great what about doing a couples session? My girl and i are going to do one with her therapist at some point even thought we are in a good spot now (after coming out of a very terrible toxic past complete with everyone saying she was using me or i was using her) so it may seem like we dont need it but i think everyone can benefit from therapy as you get to discuss why thnigs are how they are.

    It seems like you are trying to better youreself and posting here means you really want to.​
 
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Don't lie to your lady - you are obviously trying your best. Well, guess what, everyone stumbles at some point - it means nothing (in itself) but if your GF would leave you over it, I would suggest she isn't the person for you. Normality takes FOREVER and you feel nobody is in your corner.

Well, you can plainly see,
A LOT of people are in your corner.


If I can help, I will,
CC
 
Thank you for the replies. Her and I just aren't in a good space so right now, that is what I am giving her. I want my space as well. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I need to try to focus. Does it hurt? Absolutely. I'm lonely and I do love her but I won't tolerate the way she is making me feel. Sadly, we are living together until I can move out so the logistics are difficult and it's uncomfortable at times.

I realize this is all about me and I am trying to focus on that. It's hard when I am around her and just wish we could function like a normal couple. I guess right now that isn't important or not as important as me working on myself. Thank you for the support. Being able to talk it out and get feedback helps.
 
BTW - the situation reminds me of the song 'Bohemian Like You'. I hope you're not insulted ;-)
 
So this happened today...

Last night when I came home from my therapy, I chose to give her space. I was out on the porch most of the night talking on the phone and nit focussing on all this drama. So, ONE night I "ignore" her (giving space and ignoring are totally different, sheesh) and she makes this huge deal about it. So, she brought that up how she tells me where she is going, what she is doing and etc. She said she doesn't ignore me and says I ignored her last night, which, I was merely giving her the space she wanted. *sigh* I can't win.

This tells me she does care but she is too busy trying to act tough and not show emotions about all of this. So now, this seems to be turning into pettiness and I'm already tired of it. When we do talk, we fight. When we don't fight, we really have nothing to say and even the small talk is limited. I chose to not fight for one night and then she flips out and acts like I just ignore her. *sigh*
 
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rast4man said:
She did use with me, she kind of introduced me into it but now she went to the methadone clinic and she is okay. I was left to have to be sick and get over it, hence the relapse after 5 days. I love her and we agree we both need to work on ourselves. At this point, I am going to save money and move out and she says she still wants to talk and be together but not focus on the relationship. If things go well, then in time, we can work on it. I feel like it is a carrot being dangled in a sense. We were suppose to do this very thing when I moved out last time but she asked me to move back in and I did. That's when the drug use began because she was sick from not being able to go to the clinic. Now she goes and making all these decisions where I'm sitting here with nothing and have to move out. It really sucks but I know I have to help myself. I love her so much and just didn't imagine this would happen again.
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The fact she introduced you to this world, yet has the audacity to get all pissy with you during your times of struggle is disgusting. Shame on her and even more shame on you for stayimg with her

Message to both of you>>>>>move othe fuk on away from each other or regret not doing so in the future

I wish you luck my friend. Im fighting the same battle as you side by side and what i said came from the hizzzzeart!

Peace
 
Thank you. I even brought it up how disappointed I was that we used together and she basically disregarded it. It was my choice to actually do it but I know that if the situation wasn't what it was, there would have been no need to get drugs so she wasn't sick. The fact that she is acting the way she is, yes, that disgusts me to no avail. I take my responsibility with what I did but I didn't leave her hanging and run to the clinic while I was suffering and very sick.

The one thing I know right now is this; We are not in a position to listen and try to understand each other while we talk. We are basically talking just to reply and not actually listening to understand. Until something changes with that, we have no chance.

She's been riding me today and now wants to talk later. I took a stand and said I'm not going to fight, be belittled, talked down to or anything else that is negative. I said if she wants to talk to me, show some emotion and be honest, then I will talk to her. I'm setting boundaries and letting her know that I'm not putting up with this. Honestly, I'm not feeling anything from her and I don't really think I want to do this anymore. We will see what she has to say and I will try and be honest and tell her I can't do this anymore. Wish me luck that I stand my ground.
 
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