Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Absolutely. To not live a double life would mean there was nothing for me to hide.
ADDICTS: Are you livin a secret double life? Secret addiction? Post here
- Thread starter Khadijah
- Start date
hangyourhead
Bluelighter
My family has no clue I maintain myself on buprenorphine which I obtain from the streets. Originally started taking it (once I got back from Florida rehab and halfway houses for 6 months) to deter heroin use. Next thing ya know, I'm using bupe daily. Keep in mind I've already been through years of MMT, BMT, detoxes... which I hoped I was done w...
So I know have formed another opioid habit, not even a fun one, but I can't let my family know whatsoever. I have to taper myself and gtfo this stuff.
So I know have formed another opioid habit, not even a fun one, but I can't let my family know whatsoever. I have to taper myself and gtfo this stuff.
Being a PST addict is almost comical compared to these stories. having to hide bottles and make sure the seeds dont get everywhere. Its a ridiculous addiction.
Since Im on a tight using schedule sometimes it cant be avoided that I have to go to work intoxicated. It makes the day go by fast but having to hide the high is annoying. My partner doesnt know either and I live in a house full of people its fun trying to brew tea there or in a parking lot were people will think Im a weirdo.
Since Im on a tight using schedule sometimes it cant be avoided that I have to go to work intoxicated. It makes the day go by fast but having to hide the high is annoying. My partner doesnt know either and I live in a house full of people its fun trying to brew tea there or in a parking lot were people will think Im a weirdo.
My friends know I use benzos for anxiety, and they know I'm prescribed adderall, but they definitely aren't aware of how frequently I take one or the other (or both). Compared to this time last year, it looks like I've completely stopped recreational drug use. Sometimes, I can even convince myself that I have.
sighkosis
Bluelighter
Ahahahaha I had to do this when I was relocated to Iceland for work and needed to maintain for what was by then only a mild heroin habit (thank god I'd been tapering or I'd have to drive the whole fucking Ring Road round the country and hit up every Kronan and Bonus to get enough seeds lol). Story time!
OTC preparations are fucking ridiculous. First I had to go to the Icelandic grocery (which was half an hour away because we were in such a damn rural area), where they sold (unwashed, thank Odinn) seeds but in these little containers so I went through the checkout in my very poor American-accented Icelandic (I literally just said "góðan daginn" and "já poka" and "takk fyrir") with like 20 jars of seeds and four bottles of white grapefruit juice and maybe some Kexbiscuits so as to not arouse suspicion. I cleaned out their stock multiple times and the store itself is only in a slightly larger rural area so they were perpetually out of stock. My condolences to the sad Icelanders who just wanted to make their goddamn lemon poppyseed muffins.
Anyway, then I got back to the boonies, where I had a bunch of roommates and I had to keep sneaking off with some jars and a french press and sit in my room for an hour making that shaking noise and straining it and seeds would get everywhere and I had to sneak out in the night to toss out pounds of sodden seeds (if I waited too long they'd be moldy too) but I never got all the goddamn seeds out of my room, ever. And then sneak into the kitchen in the dead of night to wash everything, and hope that my roommates would interpret the stray seeds as coffee grounds. I mean, if you're not some depraved junkie it wouldn't even cross your mind that someone's making tea with a pound of poppy seeds, like that's fucking disgusting right
)And to this day, even when I'm in WDs and desperate (like right now :D), never again will I allow a poppy seed in my house.
OT current double-life story coming soon. Right now I gotta stir my Benzedrex-cotton-and-lemon-juice mix for plugging. Another shitty OTC prep.
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billbuilds
Bluelighter
I have spent so much time and effort into hiding my addictions over the years. it started with legal prescribed stims (ritalin) and man that got bad. you learn to survive by any means nessisary and talk the docs into giving you more and more and more. and you keeep telling them how much better your doing. until a massive psychosis of course. Legal . opiates i hid for years till i asked mum for help.
Heroin i was sort of hinting to my ex that i cant wear short sleave shirt and callled my mum about 5 minutes later (already burned through life saving by that point).
Now? Now im living off borrowed time and borrowed money and trying to get to sleep after shoooting meth the day before, just before my parents wake. Its a fucked life style and even going to the bathroom for a shot takes 45 minutes (if you dont want bruises and people to notice). but its what i know and getting a new pack of what evers goin that day (while you aint lookin) is just the thing that will solve all my problems. for now
Heroin i was sort of hinting to my ex that i cant wear short sleave shirt and callled my mum about 5 minutes later (already burned through life saving by that point).
Now? Now im living off borrowed time and borrowed money and trying to get to sleep after shoooting meth the day before, just before my parents wake. Its a fucked life style and even going to the bathroom for a shot takes 45 minutes (if you dont want bruises and people to notice). but its what i know and getting a new pack of what evers goin that day (while you aint lookin) is just the thing that will solve all my problems. for now
RodJonse
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2012
- Messages
- 291
I thought I'd poke my head in and see if I can get a diagnoses from the community on whether I am or am not really an addict (referring to strictly the mental aspect, not dependency - two things that need to be acknowledged as totally separate and distinctly different). Wall of text warning. Nobody has to read this but if you do and respond, I appreciate it.
Here's all I use on a daily/bi-daily basis that I know I'm not addicted to:
Caffeine (don't we all)
Diazepam 10mg x2/day (I HATE this drug and if there were outpatient or inpatient rehab that'd let me keep taking my kratom, I'd check myself in right away.
Adderall ER 20-25mg x1/day (self-governs, abuse is impossible for me nor do I want to take more at that point because it makes me feel like shit)
Here's what I'm not sure about:
Kratom (Maeng Da, Red Vein types, no idea the dosage but 48 00-size capsules twice a day, sometimes only once at night if I took an Adderall that day)
Fluoxetine 40-80mg x2-4/day (MFG PAR, dosage varies on whether or not I missed a dose)
Alcohol (usually wine, sometimes vodka)
Now, the greatest concern of mine is the SSRI. Please don't mock me because I'm being serious here. It's the only antidepressant I've used in a long time. I've not tried another since Tramadol and have taken this for the longest amount of time. I don't remember the effects of all I've tried in the past but Cymbalta was bad, Zoloft was bad, Wellbutrin was good at first before leaving me with a horrible sense of dread at night and Paxil is bad and makes me angry. I'm also afraid to take something like Paxil where the half-life is short and not getting my refill called in quick enough could make me feel depressed and shitty (Prozac's withdrawal is bad enough with a high half-life so I just don't want to fuck with SSRI/SNRI withdrawals). I've taken Prozac because it's the safest, easiest one I can take. It does little else for me other than fight off a certain peculiar sense of depression that is hard to describe. Past that, I'm still depressed on a normal level but stable. I also have a certain affinity of it because despite it not possibly working as well as others, it carries the least amount of side effects. Zoloft gave me ED at fucking 13, which is the worst possible age for that. Just when your dick starts to be a dick, it stops working. Thankfully that's gone and my sex drive is fine on Prozac.
I'm attached to it. I feel legitimately scared to try another or life without it.
The second biggest concern is the alcohol. I don't generally drink a lot, but I almost always drink every night. It's to help me sleep. I'll pour a glass full of cabernet (14% ABV) or half-full with some vodka (35% ABV) and often I'll wake up having only had a third of it because I set it back down and fell asleep. I don't have vodka anywhere near as much as wine so it's really the rate of *when* I drink that I'm worried about. It feels compulsory at this point. If I don't pour some and have at least a taste, something is wrong. I've been drinking a while and I became physically tolerant to z-drugs and benzos before ever drinking to the point where I can't feel them, so that combined with genetics gives me a really, really high alcohol tolerance which is *not* something good. I have never been *drunk* drunk once in my life. Would three 12oz glasses of vodka be enough to do that? That's a buzz for me.
Anyways, I can't help but feel that it's like the beginning stages of alcoholism. Since I have Diazepam at home, I know I can get off it, but I don't want to or feel comfortable doing so at the moment and that's where I'm not sure. Is that addiction?
Finally, the least concern of mine is Kratom. I've been taking it for years so my tolerance is high. Some days are better than others. Like a lot of opiod users I do take it for pain, but it's pain and then some. Unfortunately, I've never fallen into that trap and I could start tapering off Kratom as soon as my neck/back is fixed and rehabilitated, but like the alcohol, I don't want to. I wish my tolerance would reset itself and the drug would play out like it originally did and I know that isn't going to happen yet I keep taking it anyways while my brain tells me I need to stop. Addiction or something else? I need to note that I have purely obsessional OCD that plays into all of this and that's why the situation is so complicated. If I didn't have that, I could self diagnose myself. I was able to come to the conclusion by myself that I had become addicted to Zolpidem, but that was years ago and I have not taken it since 2013. I'd like to avoid the situation with the others. My willpower and tolerance for pain is high, my emotions are not.
Thanks.
Here's all I use on a daily/bi-daily basis that I know I'm not addicted to:
Caffeine (don't we all)
Diazepam 10mg x2/day (I HATE this drug and if there were outpatient or inpatient rehab that'd let me keep taking my kratom, I'd check myself in right away.
Adderall ER 20-25mg x1/day (self-governs, abuse is impossible for me nor do I want to take more at that point because it makes me feel like shit)
Here's what I'm not sure about:
Kratom (Maeng Da, Red Vein types, no idea the dosage but 48 00-size capsules twice a day, sometimes only once at night if I took an Adderall that day)
Fluoxetine 40-80mg x2-4/day (MFG PAR, dosage varies on whether or not I missed a dose)
Alcohol (usually wine, sometimes vodka)
Now, the greatest concern of mine is the SSRI. Please don't mock me because I'm being serious here. It's the only antidepressant I've used in a long time. I've not tried another since Tramadol and have taken this for the longest amount of time. I don't remember the effects of all I've tried in the past but Cymbalta was bad, Zoloft was bad, Wellbutrin was good at first before leaving me with a horrible sense of dread at night and Paxil is bad and makes me angry. I'm also afraid to take something like Paxil where the half-life is short and not getting my refill called in quick enough could make me feel depressed and shitty (Prozac's withdrawal is bad enough with a high half-life so I just don't want to fuck with SSRI/SNRI withdrawals). I've taken Prozac because it's the safest, easiest one I can take. It does little else for me other than fight off a certain peculiar sense of depression that is hard to describe. Past that, I'm still depressed on a normal level but stable. I also have a certain affinity of it because despite it not possibly working as well as others, it carries the least amount of side effects. Zoloft gave me ED at fucking 13, which is the worst possible age for that. Just when your dick starts to be a dick, it stops working. Thankfully that's gone and my sex drive is fine on Prozac.
I'm attached to it. I feel legitimately scared to try another or life without it.
The second biggest concern is the alcohol. I don't generally drink a lot, but I almost always drink every night. It's to help me sleep. I'll pour a glass full of cabernet (14% ABV) or half-full with some vodka (35% ABV) and often I'll wake up having only had a third of it because I set it back down and fell asleep. I don't have vodka anywhere near as much as wine so it's really the rate of *when* I drink that I'm worried about. It feels compulsory at this point. If I don't pour some and have at least a taste, something is wrong. I've been drinking a while and I became physically tolerant to z-drugs and benzos before ever drinking to the point where I can't feel them, so that combined with genetics gives me a really, really high alcohol tolerance which is *not* something good. I have never been *drunk* drunk once in my life. Would three 12oz glasses of vodka be enough to do that? That's a buzz for me.
Anyways, I can't help but feel that it's like the beginning stages of alcoholism. Since I have Diazepam at home, I know I can get off it, but I don't want to or feel comfortable doing so at the moment and that's where I'm not sure. Is that addiction?
Finally, the least concern of mine is Kratom. I've been taking it for years so my tolerance is high. Some days are better than others. Like a lot of opiod users I do take it for pain, but it's pain and then some. Unfortunately, I've never fallen into that trap and I could start tapering off Kratom as soon as my neck/back is fixed and rehabilitated, but like the alcohol, I don't want to. I wish my tolerance would reset itself and the drug would play out like it originally did and I know that isn't going to happen yet I keep taking it anyways while my brain tells me I need to stop. Addiction or something else? I need to note that I have purely obsessional OCD that plays into all of this and that's why the situation is so complicated. If I didn't have that, I could self diagnose myself. I was able to come to the conclusion by myself that I had become addicted to Zolpidem, but that was years ago and I have not taken it since 2013. I'd like to avoid the situation with the others. My willpower and tolerance for pain is high, my emotions are not.
Thanks.
PriestTheyCalledHim
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2005
- Messages
- 14,714
I remember once I told a friend of mine when I first met him that I'd smoked a fair amount of pot as a teenager and young adult. He was surprised since he said he had only smoked it once or twice, and said how I did not seem like the type of person that smoked pot.
SirTophamHat
Bluelighter
Rod: if 36ounces (that's about 24 shots) of vodka only gets you buzzed, that would be your biggest issue. Just try eliminating one thing at a time man, you can do it.
just4today
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2015
- Messages
- 7
I've been living a lie (or a double life) for more than 20 years. My life is one big lie (or actually several lies). I go to work and the country club, and meet parents of my kids friends, and they all think I am June Cleaver -- they have no idea that I love coke, I snort Ritalin, and mix with several other medications. Not even my husband knows. I give the impression to everyone that I am the perfect PTA mom...nobody knows me really. I tell so many lies I start to believe them.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
do you ever think that maybe your husband is also into "playing" in his own way. maybe he also liked drugs, gets percs behind your back, takes xanax some nights to help relax, etc.
this is part of the reason why I am so open about my addiction/problems. since I am a full blown junkie to many (well, many think I am am ex junkie but all know my bad habits/ways), so many people have come up to me and admitted their own problems, and even wanted to use w/ me a majority of the time. I was shocked how many people were just OK w/ what I was doing and also doing the same as me. all of this actually got me laid a few times, ha.
Listening
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2009
- Messages
- 821
Even though my wife knows that I enjoy psychedelics and dissociatives (in fact I first tried them with her), I have found myself doing them behind her back: For the past 3 years, I get high, typically once or twice a week, when she goes to sleep at night. She wouldn't even object if she knew, but instead I choose to lie to her. Fucked up, right? Why do I do this? I am deeply unsatisfied in our relationship (we have children that I will not leave) and I think that this is my version of cheating on her - of keeping myself from going crazy.
More recently, after the birth of our second child (3 months old now), I have secretly started using low doses of stimulants on weekend days. Why? So that I can appear to be super-dad! Again, quite fucked up! So it was that this past Saturday and Sunday morning I found myself waiting for a (very rare!) 30 seconds free from my older son (3 years old) so that I could insufflate 15mg of ethylphenidate; just so that I can feel like a great father. Holy cognitive dissonance! And, just because the lie feels so right, I just ordered some 2-FA and 2-FMA to try as well.
I know that according to the OP I'm not an addict and these aren't hard enough drugs with physical dependencies. Whatever. My real life is a secret from everyone but you Bluelighters, and that's a lonely fucking existence.
More recently, after the birth of our second child (3 months old now), I have secretly started using low doses of stimulants on weekend days. Why? So that I can appear to be super-dad! Again, quite fucked up! So it was that this past Saturday and Sunday morning I found myself waiting for a (very rare!) 30 seconds free from my older son (3 years old) so that I could insufflate 15mg of ethylphenidate; just so that I can feel like a great father. Holy cognitive dissonance! And, just because the lie feels so right, I just ordered some 2-FA and 2-FMA to try as well.
I know that according to the OP I'm not an addict and these aren't hard enough drugs with physical dependencies. Whatever. My real life is a secret from everyone but you Bluelighters, and that's a lonely fucking existence.
I wish I didn't have a double life I just can't bare the thought of my wife finding out I iv heroin.. she found some empty bags when I moved in but got past it. I would love to just quit it drains me every second of every day. I feel so much guilt and shame. It's a constant battle in my head which makes me highly depressed. I've tried suboxone and it makes me sicker. I'm tempted to drop 10 grand on rapid detox if I can get verification it's legit.. man I hate that this is my life. I have an amazing job a nice house the best wife in the world and I'm an addict.. wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.
Damn, that's hard to read. Good luck to you sir. Is your wife not the understanding type? I could tell my wife anything. She doesnt use drugs at all but she does understand my use. I hope things get better for you.
Yes she is very understanding however she knows nothing about drugs and when she found empty bags I confessed to it and I could see the disappointment in her eyes from me not telling her. She was more upset that I lied then that I was an addict. So I told her I was taking suboxone and she understood but I'm not. It eats me alive every single day that I'm keeping something from her. I know if she found out I lied this whole time she would never be ablessed to trust me and that would be the end and I completely understand and wouldn't blame her for leaving me for lying that long. I want to just quit before she finds out again but I've been trying with no luck. Wds are unbearable for me. I'm thinking of trying a 7 day methadone taper. Some days the guilt and shame is so bad I wish a freak accident would just do me a favor at least then she will remember me for who I am not what I do.. it's pathetic I know but I'm really big on loyalty and honesty, I don't cheat never did and I preach to her all the time about trust then I lie right to her face.. I'm a horrible person. Sorry for the pitty party I just saw the thread topic and thought maybe it would feel better to get it off my chest.. not so much but oh well..thanks for listening anyway
Erikmen
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 3, 2014
- Messages
- 20,707
I thought I was strong with alcohol. 36 ounces of Vodka would get me very drunk.
SirTophamHat
Bluelighter
Yeah, 10 drinks gets me good, 24, I'd never make it that far.
I don't live a double life anymore, I used to do a ton of varied drugs in the past,now I mostly only drink and smoke tobacco, aka legal shit.
I don't live a double life anymore, I used to do a ton of varied drugs in the past,now I mostly only drink and smoke tobacco, aka legal shit.
Whosajiggawaaa
Bluelighter
Uwsed to , but now everyone knows I take oxy, fk it. Celebs do it. Hasn't hurt my job or friendships like I thought it would actually. Prob because it RX drugs which are seener as disproportionately softer down 'ere.
DR.NightHigh
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2015
- Messages
- 1
TheBurgh Me and You have a lot in common. I have been battling H addiction for over a year and my wife has no idea. No one else knows either. Not family or friends but one man who uses and deals it to me. Alot of people suspect im up to something. I have said it was Oxy once when my wife found my burned foil in the toilet, fuckin forgot to flush. Everyone would be completely shocked to find out what i really do and would never talk to me agian, expecially my wife, she's not understanding at all with this but im a constant lier so she shouldn't be understanding. I spend alot of time in the bathroom. I don't IV I just Chase it. I wish I could tell someone so I could get help and support to quit. I get sick alot when I run out but I usually have subox saved to stop it the best I can. But I always go back to using. Im a full daily user well 4-5 times a day. I nod out alot. I hate myself and I get depressed over how I've fucked my life up so bad I keep using to not feel the guilt and hate for myself. I have no job and can't keep one. I pushed alot of friends away because I just stay home high or sick all day. I've tried killing myself a few times but im a pissy. I type all this while sitting on this fucking toilet smoking a piece.... well just wanted to say I know the double life.