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ADDICTS: Are you livin a secret double life? Secret addiction? Post here

Im living two lives. Im an everyday crystal meth user but to the rest of the world, including my fiance, parents, siblings, friends, and people of authority, I have finally changed my life for the better! I met my boyfriend while using speed and something happend where we had to chose between two paths, live a sober life to change for the better, or continue a life in and out of prison to where you end up dead. I tested that saying in NA "One is too many and a thousand is never enough," and too avoid disapointing those around who were/are so proud I got myself where I am today. I wanted that life, and I still do, where I am sober with goals, to get married, have a family of my own, and actually have nice things earned legally! Now I do, but I have a dirty little secret that I feel everything is at stake if the wrong person finds out. (Even my fiance...) I have dug myself so deep to where if I was totally honest it would hurt more than if I kept this life secret, until One day being able to bury this life n never look back. My bestfriend, a few dealers, and some mutual users, new or from my past only know. No one even knows how much I do cuz I juggle between dealers getting a halfballs, they think im just an occasional user. Which is fine but a big reason I keep it a secret is because im a mother. I am functioning but I could see someone using it as blackmail n try to take the only thing that actually keeps me sane and from going off the deep end. I feel guilt everyday, I dont want her to live a life anything like mine. So I must end it I guess by wheening off. The cold turkey thing has not been working in anyones favor
 
I've just read this whole thread and once again I am enraged at the stigma that causes so many people to feel they have to lie, especially those that feel they have to lie to the people that love them the most. The War on Drugs is a war that ruins families.:(
 
I'm sort of living two lives but the naughty life only comes out when I feel I have some time for myself, which isn't much. It's like a reward for being a decent human or something.... although I not sure why I feel like drugs are a reward, I should perhaps go shopping instead!
 
Dble07- I'm.living a similar lie. I've confessed some to my husband. I fear the loss of my career, (RN) which I accomplished while clean. I've tapered back.....got rid of all my points (thought I did till I found a hidden box yesterday).....
I hate what meth has done to me and I hate even more that I can't just put it down forever!
I'm embarrassed to go to NA meetings because of how involved I was in the past.....I already had to go in and announce I had less than 24 hrs clean.....I had left my husband and said the drugs gave me the courage .......so many guys hit on me, so sickening!
I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and do less each day.
 
all the time. As much as my friends know that I "was" a hardcore drug user. I still do it from time to time, but I never let them know unless it was my drug friends. I've been keeping it under control though for 2 years now. Onlysmoking pot and IVing meth and heroin on the weekends whilst staying sober on weekdays where I work.
 
I have then got straight but am taking a longer than I'd liked vacation. Funny how your ole buddies some how meet up against odds
 
I'm living a secret double life and have been for the past 4 years. My family has no idea that I still have a severe meth addiction and I smoke shards every day. They found out about it in the past but I went to rehab for a month and they believe that I've been clean ever since. At the beginning of my addiction I started off just doing it occasionally for a while so it was very easy to hide and I was able to get through beauty school. But after a year or so it escalated into every weekend, then every other day, then finally turned into a daily dependency. At that time I was binging a lot, hardly eating and staying up as long as I could until my body crashed and I had to sleep. I had a job at a restaurant but soon got fired because I came in late all the time. I never really had to worry about paying for dope because I either dated guys that sold it or had friends (mostly guys) that had it. The reason why my parents found out was because I lost way too much weight, had dark eye circles and sunken cheeks, and ended up looking like an obvious tweaker. They made me go to an outpatient rehab which unfortunately didn't help much because I was only sober for a total of 2 and a half months. But when I did relapse I made sure to be much more careful about hiding it. I made sure I ate enough to avoid losing too much weight and I didn't go longer then 2 days without sleep. My tolerance soon became so high that my appetite went back to normal and I could sleep at almost any time. What really helped hiding my meth use was the fact that I moved out of my parents house about 6 months after relapsing. I was living with my bf who also blazes daily and always has dope and we still live together now but in a different house. We both have jobs, he does construction and I work online as a webcam model. We also take care of ourselves and look completely normal so nobody can tell that we're undercover tweakers. To this day my family has no idea that I'm using. I feel somewhat guilty for lying to them but I would much rather keep it that way.
 
Double life. Yup. That's me. I have been a drug user since I was 18 and an opiate addict for 6 years. For the last 3 or 4 years, heroin has been my love. But no one would ever guess. None of my family or friends know. My live-in fiance is unaware. I am a mother of two. I was clean for my first pregnancy 9 yrs ago. I had been booting for about 2.5 years before entering a suboxone/subutex treatment a month prior to finding out about my latest pregnancy. I've held always held a great, well paying position but recently quit to care for my son who was diagnosed at birth with CP. I remain in the suboxone treatment (took subutex while pregnant) but continue to use but have switched to nasal. When people hear about my "past drug use" during my college age, they are shocked. I'm 5'1" and have a "baby face". I attended catholic school for 13 years and attended church regularly until I was about 16 as an altar server. I have had a "friend" or two that I used with but all they ever did was steal from me. It can get rather lonely and I sometimes wish I had someone to use with.....
 
I feel your pain. I deal with similar. My fiance found some empties before and I had to act stupid. No one knows. It's such a lonely existance...
 
Great post...

If people knew the real me and what I do. They'd freak out. Besides my opiate addiction, I live the normal life. I work full time, managing a hotel, have a husband, and 2 kids.
I was never much for pills (just the weekend dope binge). But 4 surgeries and 3 years later, that's all I think about everyday. I hate the secrets, the lies, and every other bad thing my addiction makes me do. My husband is the only one who knows. He doesn't support it, but is there when I need him.

Life like this sucks.
 
Hello, this is your friendly neighborhood addict popping in! :D

I currently attend college full time, studying environmental engineering. I get mostly A's and B's, and I'm transferring to a large, fairly reputable university next semester. I have a part-time job that I love, with awesome co-workers and lots of opportunities for advancement. I have an amazing circle of friends, and a family who I love very much and wouldn't trade for the world. On the outside, I appear relatively stable and I "have my shit together," as much as any college student can.

I also currently take at least 7 different psychoactive substances every day.

The drugs and the doses: 100mg R-Modafinil, 900mg Gabapentin, 10mg Suvorexant, .25-.5mg Clonazolam, and copious amounts of caffiene, nicotine, and good ol' cannabis.

I wake up, and the first thing I do is drink a big glass of water along with my prescribed R-Modafinil. R-Modafinil (or Armodafinil, or Nuvigil) is a med prescribed for ADHD. It's comparable to Adderall, but has less side effects IMO. I've been on ADHD meds since I was 15...started with Ritalin, then Adderall, then Dexedrine. R-Modafinil has worked better for me than all of these. I usually take it along with 300mg Gabapentin, and then I eat breakfast with a stack of supplements (gingko, ashwaghanda, omega 3s, and a multivitamin.) I'll usually have a cup of coffee here too. Then, I'm on my way to school or work or wherever, with my box mod (nicotine vaporizer) in hand. I'm puffing this constantly throughout the day, and yes I'm aware that it isn't good for me.

I go throughout my day, mostly getting by on coffee and nicotine. I'll take another 300mg Gabapentin, and then another a few hours later. If I'm working late, I'll take half my clonazolam (.125-.25mg) to make the end of the shift go by faster. Then after work, I smoke and smoke and smoke lots of weed. I don't smoke weed during the day because it makes it hard to retain focus. But it's a nice way to relax at the end of the night. I'll take the rest of my benzo dose, then chill out for a bit, and then take 10mg Suvorexant to fall asleep (best sleeping aid I've ever come across.)

A few days without caffeine can lead to lethargy and headaches. A few days without R-Modafinil can lead to EXTREME lethargy, mood swings, and complete inability to get anything done. A few days without weed can make me fairly grouchy, as well as give me insomnia and suppress my appetite. A few days without Suvorexant will lead to complete and total insomnia. A few days without nicotine makes me want to punch someone. A few days without Gabapentin can lead to me feeling like shit, physically, emotionally and spiritually. A few days without benzos, well imagine Gabapentin but about a zillion times worse.

So, yeah, I'm an addict. A fairly functional one, but an addict nonetheless. I have been taking drugs every day since I was 14. I've dealt with polysubstance addiction for nearly a decade. I don't know what I'm going to do. There's a small part of me that just wants to retreat from school and work for a year, and detox from all these drugs in the most comfortable environment possible. It would be torture to stop taking these all at once, but I'm not sure which ones I would cut out first. The worst part about kicking drugs (especially benzos) is the seemingly never ending post acute withdrawal symptoms...they will haunt you for years.

But hey, on the positive side, it seems I'm not alone in living the double life :) and I'm doing pretty well these days, so I really can't complain.
 
Hey Luv...Just asking after reading "4 surgeries and 3 years later"...By any chance endometriosis? Sounds familiar. :\
 
Oh wow thank god for this confessional thread, I thought I was completely alone in being a secret addict plus a mother and wife and remaining functional for approx 3 years.
My husband is a heroin addict, on a suButex script for one year and relapsing with a bag or two every fortnight. I told him I had a problem 2 years ago, and he went off his nut at me and threatened to leave if it happened again. I've pretty much lost contact and passed off my oldest friends, who know nothing and just get to experience the new high me who they don't like. I am however popular amongst the mums whom I socialise with where we live, although I openly admit to smoking pot, I don't think theyre suspicious of my erratic amphetamine binge and crash and repeat cycle...it's all they've ever known in me.
I hate it, creeping around all night not sleeping, being kind and letting my husband get away with doing less than minimum to help with domestic chores or take his fair share of childcare. When I'm clean I feel amazing, but all too soon I'm off to get more for some social occasion or other, and the pattern starts again.
Anyway, thanks oP for this thread, great to be able to splurge my secret shame, and to read so many honest and familiar sounding stories.
Love on US all
 
I can totally relate, I've just come out of an 8yr closet to my husband, Dr and parents. Will be going into detox in the next fortnight and hopefully live a clean life :) (oxy, codeine & xanax).
 
Ugh. Let's just say if ANY of my friends knew how many days I spent in my bathroom - hell, their bathroom - shooting shit into my arm (foot. neck. ugh) they would run for the hills like fucking Iron Maiden. By daylight, I seem like a nice business owning lady who is personable and fun, outgoing, with it. By night I have a history of being a coke fiend and heroin addict. Benzo addict. What have you. My fiancee and my parents know but I was able to hide it for a long, long time. Everything comes to an end, I guess. I try to see it as sort of a good thing because I can't get away with the amount of bullshit that I used to. If I could I would probably be dead by now.
 
Been a while since I have been on this site, another year has almost gone and I'm still leading the double life. Does anyone ever really stop and think about the consequences if your secret got out? I try not to.
 
I can agree with that not only is my husband a meth addict he has been living this other life I learned about and I thought drugs were the only thing turns out it's more it's cheating its people I don't know new friends and the things I've heard about me or their lack of me. So that saying is correct the War on Drugs is a war that destroys families
 
In college, my clique of friends for 3 out of the 4 years were completely unaware I was fully addicted to shooting opiates and, at least weekly coke. They were fairly straight edge, none of them did anything besides get drunk at parties, not even pot. In all my jobs since, none of my coworkers have had the slighest clue. The fact that my bathroom breaks involved a needle full of dope was completely secret, even that one time I got a exceptionally strong batch and was ghost white and unable to stand up at my desk (from 1 bag when I normally did 6). To top it off, I was considered one of the best employees there in every job; hell one job I was even acting manager overnight with access to the master keys for 500 apartments of filthy rich people in NYC (but I never steal, even outside of work, beyond once in a while trading for electronics stolen from huge chain stores). When I lived with my mom, she knew I used drugs but thought it was confined to the occasional benzo or a few lines of coke; although in previous years she knew of my opiate use when I was prescribed them from a doctor.
Nobody that sees me ever suspects it. I look and dress so straight edge that most people I meet actually think I'm a cop and tell me I look like a cop. Not a lot of people that have been addicted to IV opiates for over a decade are overweight and look so completely straight edge. When I've been friends with someone for a few years, and don't believe they'd blab or narc, I usually tell them in a comprehensive speech about how you only hear about the problem users and how aweful the drug laws are. Seeing a user like me is usually a very persuasive argument, and I've never lost friends over it, even the straight-edged college ones- they see first hand that an IV opiate addict can be a good, normal person. The main difference is that all my income not spent on bills goes to drugs instead, and I pick up all the OT I can get just to buy more.
 
During most of the time I was on opiates, nobody knew except of my wife and a friend of mine. I´m sure everyone suspected I was on something, but I was always pretty much involved with my work and being productive seemed to have been a 'good' mask.
The worst part of having these 'secret' life is that it absorbs you completely to the point of exhaustion most of the time even when I was high.
Now that I´m sober for almost 6 months I wonder if my recovery is doing better as I don´t have to hide anything anymore.
That alone was a great reason for me to have stopped using. Also the amount of money that is now serving greater purposes.
 
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