EADD Heroin discussion v.20 -- You've come a long way baby

[BecomingJulie]

How do you get on with Withdrawals Julie? Do you have much of a habit when you stop?

It takes real strength to stop the way you do, you should be proud of yourself

I get on the only way I know how! Grit my teeth and get on with the rest of life. This time just gone, I managed to catch a genuine illness right at the beginning of the comedown, which knocked me sideways. I don't know whether the fact that I strained a muscle in my chest made any difference to my endorphin factory's recovery, or whether the fact of being in withdrawal just made it more painful. Anyway, definitely not an experience I have much desire to repeat. As long as I can remember that first week, I know not to do anything stupid that might lead to a repeat of it.

Scoring involves a train journey to the next town, and I generally get a 'teenth (or an eighth between us, when Jess is staying with me; she gets a cushy weekly take-home meth script, though) and manage to make it last about a week. Eking out the last few flakes to postpone the inevitable acts as a kind of taper anyway, and if I am not too greedy with it (hah!) then the withdrawals peak on day three with sometimes even a False Stone on day six. Then a week off, and I feel like scoring again.

When I was staying with Lauren, we could get a bag anytime we wanted. This reminded me exactly why I do not want to find a connection any closer to home -- the need to make the journey helps with the matter of deciding whether I really want to go out and score, or I'm just being greedy.

I've found that if I use gear for just one night, I'm usually fine the next day. But the only way that ever usually happens is if I make a third-party scoring run, have the expected "quick toot for going" and then pass the whole of the rest of it straight on. If I've scored for myself, it just seems to burn a hole in the foil ..... it's like, why would you want to feel just O.K. when you could easily be feeling much better than O.K.? Go on, have a little toke! That's better, isn't it? May as well do the short edge, too .....

Anyway, I have a dentist's appointment coming up, and it's for a filling. So that's when I'm planning to score next -- though, there's a chance that I may be asked to make a run before then, and it will be very hard to say no to a little taste test. But I will make the handover quickly, to avoid temptation.

I think the fact that I have set a date for my next score is also helping to keep me going, because I know that this will all be over soon.

 

[Erikmen]

How do you get on with Withdrawals Julie? Do you have much of a habit when you stop?

It takes real strength to stop the way you do, you should be proud of yourself

I was wondering about the same thing..Even strong people suffer. Good luck!
It seems you are going to make it.

 

[ScotchMist]

Yous one tough lady then Julie.. Well done, that takes a lot of will power, especially around this time of year, withdrawals in sub zero tempretures with the wind cutting through you.

Hope you achieve what you want from it

 

[Erikmen]

You will beat this

 

[steewith2ees]

Im nowhere near clean but I feel like it. Ive made it to day... 5 (slow hand clap) without taking any heroin, benzos or weed. Not much of an achievement with my script. But although I havnt had to really rattle anything off, Im really hyper sensitive, overwhelming sense of taste and smell, had approx. 3 hours sleep in total, feeling quite anxious. I dont drink, so of course all this is simply symptoms of extreme sobriety, something really unfamiliar to me since my total relapse 2 years ago. Since then, have i been without weed for 5 days? Yes. Benzodiazepines? Yes. Gear? Yes... a couple of times. But never all 3 at once, and I dont think I got much further than day 6 with any of them. This is clean, or the best simulation I have of it untill I either fuck off my script (never been on methadone before, so ct from 70mls terrifies me) or go through the detox-rehab plan ill probably end up putting off now ive got no excuse to not go through with it.

The only reason Ive had such a week is the result of lean times following the christmas period (no excuse for that either seeing as how 85% went on drugs for myself, 10% on the petrol to fetch them and 5% on presents). Having no one left in my life whos still speaking to me has helped with that. My dad keeps a roof over my head, probably counterproductive as if hed just left me to the streets when I first started using, id have grown up by now and sorted myself now, or at least id be dead and out of everyones road.

But hes the best dad in the world, which is why its possible for me to go totally broke without starving. I even have fags, as hes been sensible enough to buy them for me rather than lend me cash. I know as soon as ive paid him back ill be asking to borrow more money within a fortnight.

But just this once I have an ace in the hole, and a reason to stick with it a few more days, despite being due my esa in the morning. I have a appt with my extremely patient consultant on wednesday, and seeing as how im yet to give a clean sample despite being in treatment since april, its only good manners to show a bit of self restraint for once in my pathetic existence.

Is this the start of a new year, is this finally the turn of the tide? I doubt it, but one needs to take these rare opportunities when they come along, for the first time ill be so fucking embarrassed if i test positive for opiates next week. Is having a methadone script finally having an effect on my behaviour? Fuck knows, im just wittering now, long boring posts on bluelight as i have no drugs to take.

 

[blondin]

@Julie I don't understand why you put your self through all of this just to pick up again at week 4(?) you got this far why not continue otherwise whats the point as in the scheme of things 4 weeks is nothing if your only going to get on the brown merry-go-round again.....I haven't read all this thtead so I might be talking bollox - apols if so.

@stee if i was you i would do a quick taper down to 40 or so , as you are only on day 5 you could probably drop 5mg a day - or is it supervised? if so i would think hard about staying on 70mg maybe talk to your case worker. When i was on the same script i ws lucky as it was private and picked up once a month or 2 weeks i think at the start and even tho i had a 1/8th a day habit i did the same taper as i knew in the long run it would benefit my health and give me lots of blisters of phy to trade/ squirel away.But hey thats just me no medical education apart from long term use of opiates/oids.

 

[kkattastic]

I wonder how many people have managed to get clean cos of the drought?
I know that for me,it taught me that i can manage fine on a script and i really don't need gear
still scared of the rattle,though my circumstances are much more stable now and that is not in view for me
and the money I have saved meant everyone had a nice christmas present and it's still mounting up.don't think i've ever had so much cash to spend.

 

[blondin]

For me its never been about need, its about want

 

[BecomingJulie]

@Blondin, my dentist's appointment is still another month away (21 February), and I'll be ready for a decent toot by then. Realistically, the odds of me not being asked on a Mission next week aren't good. But if I take care to minimise the Window of Exposure through the medium of a swift handover, I figure I will be safe having one little blast -- I only get withdrawals from two or more days' use on the trot.

I can see the halfway point looming just over the horizon. That will be the time either to make a brief stop for refreshments, or just to press on bravely towards the finish.

I have no intention of getting totally drug-free, anyway. I've seen too many people who've given up smoking or chocolate or become vegan turn into self-righteous arseholes about it. I'll be happy enough if I can spend more time off than on. The holy grail would be to be able to have gear stashed, but force myself not to touch it. Which I actually used to be able to do, before I got greedy.

That's it ..... I have to learn to be less greedy.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I wonder how many people have managed to get clean cos of the drought?
I know that for me,it taught me that i can manage fine on a script and i really don't need gear
still scared of the rattle,though my circumstances are much more stable now and that is not in view for me
and the money I have saved meant everyone had a nice christmas present and it's still mounting up.don't think i've ever had so much cash to spend.

The 'big drought' did wonders for me. I'd already been off needles for about a year when the drought hit, but this was the last straw! I finally realised that I was wasting my time and money for absolutely fuck all! Since then I've been reducing my script from 60mg/day and am now on 5mg/day as and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, past experience has taught me that reducing is easy, but stopping completely is a fucking nightmare. So we shall see...

 

[steewith2ees]

The 'big drought' did wonders for me. I'd already been off needles for about a year when the drought hit, but this was the last straw! I finally realised that I was wasting my time and money for absolutely fuck all! Since then I've been reducing my script from 60mg/day and am now on 5mg/day as and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, past experience has taught me that reducing is easy, but stopping completely is a fucking nightmare. So we shall see...

This is quite encouraging to read fubar - especially the bit about your taper. I knew when i finally agreed to the script that i was only putting off a ct, rather than avoiding one altogether. At the time tho i didnt have the space or mental ability to do a cold turkey, something i always suffered following previous relapses when i inevitably ran out of money. Same rules apply, but this time i swapped my ability to make day to day descisions for a free daily holding dose. Only ever a stopgap, short or long term, i knew it wasnt a solution.

 

[5StarSquatHotel]

I found the worst mistake I made during my last detox was telling the services. Once I was in a full on 2mg sub cluck and was swarmed with demons and voices I called and said I cant cope and they said I would have to re-apply and wait 6 weeks, I held out another 2 days then used. Wish I did not tell them my plan and could of reverted back to my script rather than gear although then you have the temptation of that... Good luck anyway Fubz, you can do it.

 

[blondin]

Well done mate - down to 5mg. It shouldn't be too painful if you are patient i.e drop .5 every 2 weeks/month up to you. When you get to 2mg you could consider dropping .25 each time.At these levels alot of it is in the mind and positive thinking and believing that you are in fact feeling ok (maybe some val's for sleep and lessen anxiety) will really help as will exercise - even walking a mile or two everyday and sensible diet.
Keep us in the loop on nhow yer getting on - don't stop your taper 'cos remember if it did become unbearable (it won't : ) ) you can always increase if necessary.

The gear's still blinding - I can have a toot at 8am @ .3 or so and can wait till 10pm for my next smoke withh no wd symptoms at all.

 

[kkattastic]

The 'big drought' did wonders for me. I'd already been off needles for about a year when the drought hit, but this was the last straw! I finally realised that I was wasting my time and money for absolutely fuck all! Since then I've been reducing my script from 60mg/day and am now on 5mg/day as and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, past experience has taught me that reducing is easy, but stopping completely is a fucking nightmare. So we shall see...

I have a mate who was one of the original junkies-from the days when it was about robbing chemists and street gear was hard to find.
He told me that the methadone taper was ok,until you hit those very last little bit.
sure,some of it is psychological,but the meth has also built up in your body,so quitting isn't easy
it would be easier if they could decide to give it to you every other day,so that the levels in your body drop more slowly
you've done bloody well though.If there had been no drought,do you think you would be here(in this position) right now?

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Thanks for the kind words fellers - means a lot. Although I realise that at this stage it is virtually all psychological, jumping off completely still scares me shitless cos I know that all my past anxieties and confidence issues will just come flooding back with nothing to keep them at bay. I've just turned 50, but still feel like a little kid inside. However, I know I've got to face the world at some point, but after 20 years of opiates I really don't know if I can....

 

[BigG]

FUBAR your doing fucking Great. Mate...im proud of you.

After my last ct I went back on at 100 for about a week and a half then thought fuck it England your being a fucking pussy and jumped off again. I'm now on day 6 and feel ok (ish). Now I don't think everyone should do that. What fubar is doing is mu h mode sensible. That's just my way od approaching. A problem....head down and get fucking stuck in. I've had a very hard life an a rough time growing up (as have many) and that's how I deal with stuff.

If you circumstances allow then a slow taper like fubar is doing is the best way but fuck it ill get there. I've dealt with much much harder enemies than methadone growing up in the streets of newcastle where confusion and violence reigned for much of the 80s and 90s.....its a lot better place now though ��

Well done again though mate....your doing brilliant

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

If there had been no drought,do you think you would be here(in this position) right now?

To be honest Kat, I really don't know. Decent gear is self reinforcing - why quit when it does what you need it to do? Yeh, I was sick of scoring and having no money, so when the gear went to shit that was the last straw. However, I've still got no money and am gradually feeling more shit every time I drop. I think the drought gave me the kick up the arse I needed, but its debatable whether I'm better off now than I was before....

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

FUBAR your doing fucking Great. Mate...im proud of you.

After my last ct I went back on at 100 for about a week and a half then thought fuck it England your being a fucking pussy and jumped off again. I'm now on day 6 and feel ok (ish). Now I don't think everyone should do that. What fubar is doing is mu h mode sensible. That's just my way od approaching. A problem....head down and get fucking stuck in. I've had a very hard life an a rough time growing up (as have many) and that's how I deal with stuff.

If you circumstances allow then a slow taper like fubar is doing is the best way but fuck it ill get there. I've dealt with much much harder enemies than methadone growing up in the streets of newcastle where confusion and violence reigned for much of the 80s and 90s.....its a lot better place now though ��

Well done again though mate....your doing brilliant

Hey Englandgz, good to see you back man! Thanks for that, but I really wish I had your balls, they're the size of a fucking house Here's me whinging about coming off single figure doses of meth and you jump off at 100ml and have legitimate pain issues as well! I'm the fucking pussy mate, not you.

 

[BigG]

Of course your better off mate...thats just hour brain playing tricks with you. We are never better off financially when we stop doing something cos we simply spend the money on the other million things out there.

Think of all the stuff you will be able to achieve in the future....50is fuck all. One oc the student paramedics. In my class was 50. You can go out and achieve anything u want in life mate.... Go fo it

Edit..... You're not a pussy mate not by a long shot.. You've done great. You can never judge one persons actions against another. I don't know what other issues and stuff you've had to deal with...i never judge another man until I've walked a mile in his shoes.... I'm really proud of you

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Edit..... You're not a pussy mate not by a long shot.. You've done great. You can never judge one persons actions against another. I don't know what other issues and stuff you've had to deal with...i never judge another man until I've walked a mile in his shoes.... I'm really proud of you

Aww... I'm literally sitting here with tears streaming down my face - all my emotions are coming back with a vengeance which for some reason I find really hard. The one good point is that out sex life has improved tremendously (the Mrs got off meth about a year ago so we're nearly on the same page now).