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Don't care anymore

xtcgrrrl

xtcgrrrl

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2013
Messages
2,895
Location
New Jersey
Hi all, my husband is divorcing me because I relapsed. This just makes me want to use drugs even more because now I have nothing to lose. I have four bags of heroin and I'm planning to try IVing for the first time very soon. I used to be afraid to IV because you can OD easily that way. But now I think if I did OD it would at least end the pain. I don't care about my life right now and I'm willing to take risks with it because there's no downside for me. If I don't OD, I'll feel great for a while and forget the fucking mess that is my life right now. And if I do OD, I'll drift out of life and not have to feel this pain anymore.

Please, if you're responding to this, don't tell me what a mistake it is to IV. I'm planning on having a friend shoot me up and she's experienced so likely she won't let me OD. She is going to stay sober and watch me and since I don't know how to IV and not planning to learn and it's a bitch to get to her place (2 hour train ride) I probably won't start doing it often. I'm too scared to do it myself. And I don't know anybody local who does that either.

And I know it's fucking stupid but I'm going to do it anyway. I would never do this if I didn't feel so hopeless, so much despair. I really don't give a fuck anymore.
 
Im very sorry you feel this way and as you can guess i(and prolly most users)can relate to feeling hopeless and not giving a shit.

So i wont say the usual "dont do it,life is beautiful,universe loves you" kind of stuff,im sure alot of other ppl will,ill just say that by getting into IVing youre entering into a whole new world of pain(most ppl do when they start messing w the needle).

Imagine that great,instant euphoria a line of H does to you,well forget about that if you start shooting,lines and smoking wont do shit anymore after awhile,and the "beautiful" relief providing feeling of taking H will become a painful struggle to find veins,anxiety about whether you missed or not,skin infections etc.

I really feel sorry for my friends with who i score together,after we buy i crush&snort a fat line and immediatelly get better(using H 7 years and snorting still does it for me),whereas they have to wait to find a safe spot,prepare all that needle crap,searching so long for veins that they eventually become so sick that they cant even hold the needle steady to shoot.

Think about it,if drugs is the only thing that makes you happy,why make it a painful and miserable experience?
 
If you have her shoot you up you will learn the basics and you will begin to do this yourself. I would procure narcan if your in an area where you can get it. When people first begin IV use is one of the most dangerous times for OD. That and when people relapse.

Im sorry your having troubles. Taking up IV herion will lead to more troubles. Please be careful.
 
I know this seems like a good escape but you will be in the same ugly situation once the buzz wears off. Only it will be worse if you keep using heroin, no matter the route. What about your kids? You care about them so you need to keep yourself together so you don't lose them.
 
I was initially going to commit suicide by way of a heroin OD but I got talked down from that and this is what I settled on. I've spent my life playing fast and loose with drugs and I thought that if I stayed sober and did what I was supposed to do I would get my husband back. I even refrained from participating on bluelight. But now I just have this "don't care" frame of mind. I wish I could say my kids were reason enough to stay sober. But I've found out that it's not enough. I have to get better FOR ME not anyone else like they say in AA and right now I don't care enough to do that. I just feel hopeless. I had a bad breakup in college with a 4-year relationship then 9 months later I met my husband and we've been together 9 years so that's basically 13 years of my adult life I can no longer think about without pain. It feels like my whole life has been about pain, so using a needle doesn't faze me. What's more pain on top of oceans of pain? And if I suffer because of my use, then I fucking deserve it.
 
You feel hopeless but your not. When we use drugs our feelings are all out of whack. When I'm in the "fuck it's" i feel miserable and I don't like feeling miserable so i look for a silver lining somewhere and just don't go off the deep end. You can IV if you want to but you'll regret it. The idea when we're in pain is to get out of the pain, not create more for us down the road. But I'm not in your shoes so maybe IV heroin is a logical and smart solution for your problem. That's what my insane mind tells me, and it's a fucking lie. I hope you can find a moment of sanity/clarity and decide not to try the needle. I did try the needle, and holy shit it's been a miserable insane chaotic tradgic life since then. Welcome to the big leagues....of pain and misery that many believe (including myself) ends in jails institutions and death.
 
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Using is coping mechanism, and it seems you are in a horrendous spot. This will ease your pain, but it is only a temporary fix to a longer term problem and you might not make it back. A client of mine, his brother was found dead in his apartment yesterday from Heroin overdose. It could happen to anyone. I've od 3 times, and sometime can't believe I'm still here. If you're going to do it take some suggestions above please, especially with the narcan.
Although, this could be a time to help yourself by focusing on yourself if you are alone now to receive help. Once you start the cycle again, moving in a direction on your own will be tremendously difficult and you might not pull out of it. I would really question what you're going to do, even if it means admitting yourself so you don't use.

There are always other options… when it seems like there are not. For me to use again is to die, is really suicide in itself.
 
Narcan is good but people are often very much reluctant to accept it even knowing they are going to die.
Unconsciously they believe you are cutting their high off so sometimes it takes more than 2 people to do the job.
I had OD as well, but woke up in a coma without being able to speak and only breathing through tubes and machines.
Everyone thought I was going to die. Up to this day I can remember my family´s look upon me. It terrifying.
The guilt is unbeatable and you get the lowest sense of self stem ever.
Besides, I was never so afraid and was never with that much pain.
 
I know some SSRI's can make people worse than better, like 30 40 %. Everyone responds differently of course though, to all medications.
I freaked out on Prozac - I was able to function better in some ways, but didn't feel like myself and was quite agitated… discontinued it.
But, that was just me. :)
Paxil worked better but had it's own set of problems. Prozac is an older antidepressant as well.
 
^
Yes, there are plenty of studies that suggest just that. Please contact a professional if you have serious thoughts of suicide.
On starting IVing,
Just know once you start that high on
the roller coaster of addiction,
you're just about assured to experince the biggest low you've ever experienced.
Dont make a bad situation worse.
Do you have any sober friends to talk to?
 
xtcgrrrl said:
It feels like my whole life has been about pain, so using a needle doesn't faze me. What's more pain on top of oceans of pain? And if I suffer because of my use, then I fucking deserve it.
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But it is not what your kids deserve. If you are really going to go down this path in reaction to your own hopelessness I hope you will try to get your kids settled with someone stable because they are going to need it.

The breakup of a marriage with young kids is traumatic but you need to be thinking of how hard this already is on your children. Their world just got cut in half. People heal from lost loves and they heal from divorces (and are lots happier in the future many times) but kids bear the scars differently. Sometimes the best you can do as a parent is to embrace change, get help for yourself while you are going through it and stay as stable as possible for your children. Childhood is short and you will regret using heroin but you will not ever regret becoming stronger for your kids' sake.

Right now you probably just want to vent but I really hope that you will look for help rather than taking yourself down and your kids with you.
 
You're going to do what you want to do. Know that going to the needle is like they say, there's no going back. Nothing is the same after that. After I started shooting, I've never wanted to use any drug in any other way if I could use it IV. It will only make your addiction worse.

If you are going to do it, be safe though. When shooting, make sure the opening of the needle tip faces upwards toward you. Inject at an acute angle. You'll feel slight resistance when you hit a vein, when you do, pull back on the plunger to see if blood flows into the needle to ensure you are in a vein. Then depress the plunger carefully as to not slip the needle out of the vein. It may be a good idea to pull back one or two more times to be sure you're still in the vein. If you feel any burning, stop injecting as you are likely missing the shot.

But really, don't do it.
 
herbavore said:
But it is not what your kids deserve. If you are really going to go down this path in reaction to your own hopelessness I hope you will try to get your kids settled with someone stable because they are going to need it.

The breakup of a marriage with young kids is traumatic but you need to be thinking of how hard this already is on your children. Their world just got cut in half. People heal from lost loves and they heal from divorces (and are lots happier in the future many times) but kids bear the scars differently. Sometimes the best you can do as a parent is to embrace change, get help for yourself while you are going through it and stay as stable as possible for your children. Childhood is short and you will regret using heroin but you will not ever regret becoming stronger for your kids' sake.

Right now you probably just want to vent but I really hope that you will look for help rather than taking yourself down and your kids with you.
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Dear xtcgrrrl. I am that child, but grown up. My parent was in your shoes but chose the easy way out. It ripped my world apart. Today, I would give anything to be able to go back in time, to just hold them and tell them how much I loved them, and that I was too young to understand their pain at the time. I am not a religious person but I will pray that you find the strength to be there for them….
 
Obviously, your true self wants to be talked out of it or else you would not have made this thread.

All that spite is your ego talking.

Regardless, I ODed the first time I shot up, and my friend was "experienced" too. Being hit with narcan was the most miserable experience of my life, no lie- but make sure you have it close by in case you fall out.

Honestly, I loved snorting dope better.... the taste and slower onset was my preference. I never understood the fascination with IVing things, but that's not here nor there.

Be safe.
 
bdomihizayka said:
Obviously, your true self wants to be talked out of it or else you would not have made this thread.

All that spite is your ego talking.

Regardless, I ODed the first time I shot up, and my friend was "experienced" too. Being hit with narcan was the most miserable experience of my life, no lie- but make sure you have it close by in case you fall out.

Honestly, I loved snorting dope better.... the taste and slower onset was my preference. I never understood the fascination with IVing things, but that's not here nor there.

Be safe.
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Again, spot on!! Although IV is difficult to avoid..
 
you don't want to IV trust me no one ever thinks that when they first picked up the needle it was a good idea
 
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