Married but tempted

[Blueeyes77]

I am married, my husband has cheated several times through the years we always work it out. We only have sex a few times a month, I want more and have told him. Lately, I've gotten in conversations that turn sexual with another man online. It's been a huge turn on, but I stopped it before it went too far. I am so lonely and needs aren't being met. I've never been unfaithful but it's becoming harder. Has any other women had this issue if so what did you do?

 

[TacototheCloud]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Your answers to these questions would provide more insight into your relationship: How long have you been married? How many times has he cheated, and did he tell you or did you find out? How did you two work through his infidelity (counseling, separation, talked through, it on your own)? And lastly, have you spoken to him about your needs not being met? If so, what does he say?

I'm sorry I answered your question with more questions, but I don't feel like I can provide a helpful response without knowing more!

 

[pofacedhoe]

id find it very hard to justify being faithful to someone who cheated on and wasnt giving me the sex i need

your husband is always going to cheat cos he gets away with it. personally i think if you stay with a man like that it should give you free reign within reason

 

[421]

id find it very hard to justify being faithful to someone who cheated on and wasnt giving me the sex i need

your husband is always going to cheat cos he gets away with it. personally i think if you stay with a man like that it should give you free reign within reason

I disagree. Two wrongs don't make a right. Either you stay together and work things out or failing that break up. Especially if there's no kids.

 

[Blueeyes77]

We've been married for 18 years, I found out on my own, we worked it out through counseling and talking. We have been separated twice each time for almost a year. I have talked with him about my needs and he will provide for a short time and then it stops again. Also, he's been battling prescription pill addiction too. I have always taken my vows seriously but we got married at 18 so we were very young. We do have two kids 18 and 13.

 

[LuGoJ]

If your needs aren't being met then you need to try to fix it. If it's unfixable then you need to move on. Cheating is wrong no matter who did it first. I would go to marriage counseling as it seems this has become repeated pattern of behavior for your husband. If you are unhappy with your marriage and have an unfulfilling relationship, you owe it to your children to either fix it for good or to get out and find a relationship that does make you happy. Your relationship with your husband has a direct influence on your children, what they view as healthy and how they form their future relationships.

As a child of divorce, trust me, children are usually better off in separate happy homes where their parents are in healthy emotionally fulfilling relationships, rather than an unhappy home that stuck together for "their benefit".

 

[Erikmen]

As a child of divorce, trust me, children are usually better off in separate happy homes where their parents are in good relationships. rather than an unhappy home that stuck together for "their benefit".

This!!

 

[llama112]

If your needs aren't being met then you need to try to fix it. If it's unfixable then you need to move on.

Exactly. Right here.

 

[TacototheCloud]

OP - I'm sorry it took me so long to respond!

It sounds like you two have worked through his infidelity somewhat successfully, which is an amazing feat. Many couples do not survive through it; kudos to you for being strong and willing to work through your issues.

His pill addiction raises some red flags. Addiction in itself can severely damage relationships. I battled an addiction to narcotics myself, and while I was an active user my sex drive was all over the place. If he is addicted to narcotics that could be a major factor in his sex drive. Is he a heavy user? Is he seeking help for his addiction? And does his addiction affect your relationship (it most cases it does in one way or another).

Addiction is a heavy burden for everyone involved. I would talk to him about it and ask him if he thinks the chemical dependence is affecting his sex drive. Talking with him about your needs is key. I sincerely hope he is open to discussing these things with you. If he's not willing to work with you, you may need to get back into counseling. Both of your needs are equally important. Don't ever forget that!

 

[pofacedhoe]

I disagree. Two wrongs don't make a right. Either you stay together and work things out or failing that break up. Especially if there's no kids.

if someone isn't playing by the rules then why would I?

seems stupid

people are often trapped in marriage due to houses etc.

obviously you want love in the end but everyone has short term needs too

 

[vincubus]

If he cheated twice, he will again. divorce him, then act on your sexual needs. show him what honor looks like, since he has none

 

[dr katz]

if someone isn't playing by the rules then why would I?

seems stupid

people are often trapped in marriage due to houses etc.

obviously you want love in the end but everyone has short term needs too

We get what you're saying but you aren't saying it right. It isn't about revenge. It isn't about getting even and screwing who ever just because they did.

If you aren't happy, don't live that way. He has cheated multiple times yet won't have sex with you often enough (and it isn't like you're asking for a whole lot) even after you have explained you're needs to him. Now you're having thoughts of cheating in him. Like someone above me said. Either continue to try and fix the relationship or leave. If you stay, you can't be the only one trying to fix things. It takes both of you trying, and it doesn't really sound like he's tried much. If you leave, you have a new start and can THEN do whatever you want. You could take a break from men, go on dates, or try to find anothermmeaningful relationship. You aren't necessarily WRONG for feeling this way after all that you have gone through but you doing what he did won't fix anything, it will make things worse. And yes, for the sake of your kids you should make a responsible decision. They are old enough to understand that if you get a divorce it was because it was the only option that has a goos chance of working in everyone's favor.
I'm sorry that you are going through hard times.

 

[LuGoJ]

if someone isn't playing by the rules then why would I?

seems stupid

people are often trapped in marriage due to houses etc.

obviously you want love in the end but everyone has short term needs too

All good if there aren't kids involved but you don't want kids living in a house where that shit is going on. It's an unhealthy environment and children have the uncanny ability to detect tension and notice when things aren't right. Parents often think their children don't know what's going on but you would be surprised.