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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

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hoketus said:
Hi all. Joining the LTC fight. I thought I would post for those who are new to the LTC life. Please compare symptoms. I bet most of yours are the same. And believe me when I say it does get better! It's a long list, but as you can see almost half of the items on the list have begun to clear already, and I'm only on 3 months. The brain zaps & physical stuff actually went pretty quickly (first month) and a LOT of my cognitive ability was back by 2 months. Brain fog is fucking awful. I thought about death because of this alone. Every single day. But it got much better (and quickly at that) once I started the SSRI and vitamin regimen.

Everything here really is episodic. Sometimes, literally the only thing I notice are the visuals. But, the DP/DR and moods issue are very common and don't clear for longer than a few hours (if that). I've never felt truly at my baseline - but close.

If anyone has any suggestions (especially involving the worst part - the visual snow) please let me know.



Symptoms:

(blue = no longer an issue/at least bettering to a point where it doesn't bother me)


Mind
• Depersonalization/Derealization
• Feeling I live on autopilot, or have no sense of agency
• Feeling ‘detached’ – seeing reflection or my own hands feels ‘foreign’
• Other people seem mechanical/like they don't have souls
• Feeling like I am watching a movie of my life
• Sometimes my speech feels delayed/not my words
• Brain Fog
• Memory & learning (overall cognition) impairment
• Feeling like I ‘fade in and out’ or ‘IQ raises and drops’
• Difficulty forming thoughts, following conversations.
• Anti-social/can't hold eye contact
• Trouble registering clock time/calendar
• Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed/restless
.
.
.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your detailed story. Sound like you are on a good way! Im sure you ll get it done. Its 6 month now and it got much easier, even without taking SSRIs.
 
When any of you guys complain about not being able to drink alcohol, what exactly stops you from enjoying it?

When I try to drink it, it just doesn't seem to have a strong pleasurable effect like it used to before my LTC. It seems watery and leaves me dizzy at times. I can't seem to enjoy it as much and can't get to a relaxing drunkness.

The same goes for smoking cigarettes. I can hardly get a head rush from a morning cigarette and sometimes it feels like I'm smoking air.

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this during their LTC and if they have been able to regain the pleasure that was originally there?

For me, it seems as though my pleasure receptors are down for the moment and are not detecting the pleasure chemicals from the drink and cigs.

I'm 6 months into my LTC and have had ups and downs like us all but as a whole I feel I'm making improvements. It's just a shame that I can't have a few drinks and really enjoy it like I used too.
 
Dan Abnormal said:
When any of you guys complain about not being able to drink alcohol, what exactly stops you from enjoying it?

When I try to drink it, it just doesn't seem to have a strong pleasurable effect like it used to before my LTC. It seems watery and leaves me dizzy at times. I can't seem to enjoy it as much and can't get to a relaxing drunkness.

The same goes for smoking cigarettes. I can hardly get a head rush from a morning cigarette and sometimes it feels like I'm smoking air.

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this during their LTC and if they have been able to regain the pleasure that was originally there?

For me, it seems as though my pleasure receptors are down for the moment and are not detecting the pleasure chemicals from the drink and cigs.

I'm 6 months into my LTC and have had ups and downs like us all but as a whole I feel I'm making improvements. It's just a shame that I can't have a few drinks and really enjoy it like I used too.
Click to expand...

It seems to be very similar for almost everyone who is suffering from this so called LTC - possibly everyone who is experiencing the brain fog + depersonalization + derealization symptoms.

Instead of feeling giddy and tipsy like before, people end up feeling weak, heavy in the legs, dizzy, and some feel their hearts pounding through their chests.

In other words, it feels like skipping the alcohol intoxication and going straight to the hangover - or something like that. Definitely not fun.

I remember it well myself.

The good news is that it's not permanent after recovering from the LTC. I've gotten drunk many times since recovering and it's back to normal - at least, in my case. Not sure about others since I've never asked.
 
hoketus said:
My Usage:

(I know. Before you freak, a lot of it was cut with methylone or crystal).
I went off the deep end in the summer. Sept 2 is when I first started experiencing DP/DR, brain fog, and panics and I decided to quit.
Click to expand...

We would never hold anything having to do solely with drug use against you in any way.

Sure, it may have been reckless to do so, but it's not like you victimized some non-consenting human being in the process.

So I guess what I'm saying is that - even though this is a harm reduction forum - you're not looked down upon as some lesser human being who doesn't deserve attention, compassion, support, freedom of choice, and so forth because your drug(s) of choice aren't embraced by a mainstream society which unfortunately happens to exist in a perpetual state of hypocrisy when it comes to recreational drugs.

I just want you to feel comfortable, that's all.

And before this starts to get awkward, I'm gonna go. Have a good one :)
 
Hey guys, quick update.
After drinking the last 3 weekends I can finaly say it is no more problem drinking alcohol again.
Most of the time I completely forget all my symptoms and I just have a good time then :)
1 month ago I was sure it would take me a lot more time to be like this again. But know I am!
 
Hey guys im having a real hard time and would like some input.

6 weeks ago i (for my first time) took about 180mg pure MDMA and 2 pill halves in a night.
Id say roughly 400mg MDMA. Before this i had never taken any drugs. Just a few joints overall in a span of like 10 years.

My really bad issues started 6 days after with a massive headache and after that day, "hard to say full sentences, Dizziness, headaches, blurry vision came in the mid of week 2, anxiety and panic attacks".
These past 5 weeks ive had a hard time focusing on more then a day at a time, this is also due to severe anxiety and depression followed by my symptoms.
The symptoms that i have, and is the worst is this wierd feeling of being dizzy 24/7, Its like my eyes cant sync to the things im watching. like when you wake up tired without the tired feeling.
Its not one of thoose bloodrush type dizziness. I also feel mentally clouded, like im a bit spaced out.

This was insane week one and has become better. I currently cant work and im so sad every day and really alone. Im so afraid that i will be stuck like this.
A couple of times i've been close to put myself in a psych ward when my panic was the highest. Thought i was going crazy.
Since i can only see things from my perspective its hard to be objective and positive that this will resolve. Im currently using a light benzo to calm down that i got yesterday.

Id also like to ask ro4eva or anyone what you thinks about Zoloft "SSRI in general" to make my life easier. Does it remove this "dizziness"?
And if you use it how does it help? Ive been to afraid to start using it but i might have to soon.

All the doctors say that my current state has nothing to do with the MDMA etcetc and that its all in my head, tho they dont seem to know much about MDMA/E.
But as we all know there is a limit to how much of our issues are placebo made by the anxiety.

So the things im left with at this moment are

* Very light headaches, pressure behind my eyes.
* "dizziness"
* feeling spaced out
* short term memory is bad, this is also affected by me worrying to much.
* Lack of focus in vision viewing distant things
* Light sensitive

Thank all of you for your time and giving me some relief!

Please share what you guys think about what i just said.

Once again thanks
 
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inzania said:
Hey guys im having a real hard time and would like some input.

6 weeks ago i (for my first time) took about 180mg pure MDMA and 2 pill halves in a night.
Id say roughly 400mg MDMA. Before this i had never taken any drugs. Just a few joints overall in a span of like 10 years.

My really bad issues started 6 days after with a massive headache and after that day, "hard to say full sentences, Dizziness, headaches, blurry vision came in the mid of week 2, anxiety and panic attacks".
These past 5 weeks ive had a hard time focusing on more then a day at a time, this is also due to severe anxiety and depression followed by my symptoms.
The symptoms that i have, and is the worst is this wierd feeling of being dizzy 24/7, Its like my eyes cant sync to the things im watching. like when you wake up tired without the tired feeling.
Its not one of thoose bloodrush type dizziness. I also feel mentally clouded, like im a bit spaced out.

This was insane week one and has become better. I currently cant work and im so sad every day and really alone. Im so afraid that i will be stuck like this.
A couple of times i've been close to put myself in a psych ward when my panic was the highest. Thought i was going crazy.
Since i can only see things from my perspective its hard to be objective and positive that this will resolve. Im currently using a light benzo to calm down that i got yesterday.

Id also like to ask ro4eva or anyone what you thinks about Zoloft "SSRI in general" to make my life easier. Does it remove this "dizziness"?
And if you use it how does it help? Ive been to afraid to start using it but i might have to soon.

All the doctors say that my current state has nothing to do with the MDMA etcetc and that its all in my head, tho they dont seem to know much about MDMA/E.
But as we all know there is a limit to how much of our issues are placebo made by the anxiety.

So the 3 things im left with at this moment are

* Very light headaches, pressure behind my eyes.
* "dizziness"
* feeling spaced out
* short term memory is bad, this is also affected by me worrying to much.

Thank all of you for your time and giving me some relief!

Please share what you guys think about what i just said.

Once again thanks
Click to expand...

Give it more time before you consider SSRI's. SSRI's isn't a quick fix, and evidence on here shows that the initial weeks on SSRI's are super hard on people in our condition. Many people recover drastically after 2-4 months without any meds, so you should at the very least wait a month or two more.

The specific symptoms you mention are "textbook ltc symptoms". Give it time, you will not be stuck like this forever. Like I said you may need meds in the future, but right now try to relax, eat healthy, pop a benzo when needed (be careful, you shouldn't do this too often). BTW working, or at least doing something every day helped me tremendously in the beginning, even when it felt impossible.
 
ScaredFirstTimer said:
Give it more time before you consider SSRI's. SSRI's isn't a quick fix, and evidence on here shows that the initial weeks on SSRI's are super hard on people in our condition. Many people recover drastically after 2-4 months without any meds, so you should at the very least wait a month or two more.

The specific symptoms you mention are "textbook ltc symptoms". Give it time, you will not be stuck like this forever. Like I said you may need meds in the future, but right now try to relax, eat healthy, pop a benzo when needed (be careful, you shouldn't do this too often). BTW working, or at least doing something every day helped me tremendously in the beginning, even when it felt impossible.
Click to expand...

Yeah im trying hard to do what i can. Its more of a last resort to go the SSRI route. I saw your post from 2014-11-13 about having a hard time at work and asked yourself why you even go to work. And that its gotten worse. Has your symptoms not subsided after a year? What symptoms do you have nowdays ScaredFirsttimer?
 
inzania said:
All the doctors say that my current state has nothing to do with the MDMA etcetc and that its all in my head, tho they dont seem to know much about MDMA/E.
But as we all know there is a limit to how much of our issues are placebo made by the anxiety.
Click to expand...

Hey man,
well they arent totally wrong.
MDMA triggered this whole "mental sickness", but the MDMA isnt responsible for your current constitution.
You have to see it as a conditioning that only could happen cause of the MDMA.
And it needs a lot of work and time to reverse this conditioning.
I believe that a single MDMA incident cant damage your brain in this way.
MDMA is prone to trigger Substance induced anxiety, and the symptoms you experience are pretty common for such a disorder.
The more you believe in this, the more you can work with it. As scaredFT allready said, you wont stuck in there.
I can remember the first 2-3 months were the fucking hell for me. But it gets easier with time and patience.
I agree with scared in waiting to take the SSRI route. You will get better by your self. Just try to stay patient. I know this the hard part.
Tomorrow it gets exactly 6 month that Im fighting with these LTC symptoms.
And I made a HUGE progress!
I can go out partying as often as I want, including drinking alcohol! My memory is back at its old level.
The most of the time I am pleased by my constitution by this time.
Back in week six I sometimes considered commiting suicide....
See the difference? :)
Stay strong
 
ro4eva said:
We would never hold anything having to do solely with drug use against you in any way.

Sure, it may have been reckless to do so, but it's not like you victimized some non-consenting human being in the process.

So I guess what I'm saying is that - even though this is a harm reduction forum - you're not looked down upon as some lesser human being who doesn't deserve attention, compassion, support, freedom of choice, and so forth because your drug(s) of choice aren't embraced by a mainstream society which unfortunately happens to exist in a perpetual state of hypocrisy when it comes to recreational drugs.

I just want you to feel comfortable, that's all.

And before this starts to get awkward, I'm gonna go. Have a good one :)
Click to expand...

I appreciate that. No awkwardness.
 
ro4eva said:
If it helps, I used to experience some rather loud, prolonged, chronic tinnitus in my right ear while sick with the so called Long Term Comedown (LTC).

I'm not sure what exactly helped me to get rid of it for good, but it eventually resolved completely.

Perhaps anxiety, stress, and/or hypertension contributed to its - ultimately, temporary - manifestation, but I'm not certain because there's so many possible causes and no medical tests to definitively rule out most of them (AFAIK).

Edit - Just in case for whatever reason you're taking it, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the use of Acetylsalicylic Acid (Aspirin) can cause tinnitus, or possibly make it worse if you're already experiencing it.
Click to expand...

Tinnitus is an uncommon, but not unheard of anxiety/stress symptom. Also caused by exposure to loud/persistent sound. Do MDMA users ever go to clubs or to concerts?
 
inzania said:
Yeah im trying hard to do what i can. Its more of a last resort to go the SSRI route. I saw your post from 2014-11-13 about having a hard time at work and asked yourself why you even go to work. And that its gotten worse. Has your symptoms not subsided after a year? What symptoms do you have nowdays ScaredFirsttimer?
Click to expand...

The shit I'm struggling with now is something different than what I had initially, which was more similar to what you described. I wasn't fatigued at all for the first 9 months of this, so working and working out definitely helped. For the last couple of months I get extremely fatigued, both physically and mentally. Now work is hell.

If you would have asked me 3 months ago I would have said that I was close to a reasonable recovery, now I feel pretty fucking far from recovered. So in a way I did recover tremendously, but it's gone down hill again.

Current shit I struggle with:

Fatigue
Depression
Anhedonia
Insomnia/disrupted sleep/lack of deep sleep
Poor immune system
Some minor physical stuff

no anxiety

Starting Tianeptine next week btw.
 
inzania said:
Hey guys im having a real hard time and would like some input.

6 weeks ago i (for my first time) took about 180mg pure MDMA and 2 pill halves in a night.
Id say roughly 400mg MDMA. Before this i had never taken any drugs. Just a few joints overall in a span of like 10 years.

My really bad issues started 6 days after with a massive headache and after that day, "hard to say full sentences, Dizziness, headaches, blurry vision came in the mid of week 2, anxiety and panic attacks".
These past 5 weeks ive had a hard time focusing on more then a day at a time, this is also due to severe anxiety and depression followed by my symptoms.
The symptoms that i have, and is the worst is this wierd feeling of being dizzy 24/7, Its like my eyes cant sync to the things im watching. like when you wake up tired without the tired feeling.
Its not one of thoose bloodrush type dizziness. I also feel mentally clouded, like im a bit spaced out.

This was insane week one and has become better. I currently cant work and im so sad every day and really alone. Im so afraid that i will be stuck like this.
A couple of times i've been close to put myself in a psych ward when my panic was the highest. Thought i was going crazy.
Since i can only see things from my perspective its hard to be objective and positive that this will resolve. Im currently using a light benzo to calm down that i got yesterday.

Id also like to ask ro4eva or anyone what you thinks about Zoloft "SSRI in general" to make my life easier. Does it remove this "dizziness"?
And if you use it how does it help? Ive been to afraid to start using it but i might have to soon.

All the doctors say that my current state has nothing to do with the MDMA etcetc and that its all in my head, tho they dont seem to know much about MDMA/E.
But as we all know there is a limit to how much of our issues are placebo made by the anxiety.

So the 3 things im left with at this moment are

* Very light headaches, pressure behind my eyes.
* "dizziness"
* feeling spaced out
* short term memory is bad, this is also affected by me worrying to much.

Thank all of you for your time and giving me some relief!

Please share what you guys think about what i just said.

Once again thanks
Click to expand...

1) You won't be stuck like this forever. I know that you feel that way. I felt it for months. MDMA abuse/withdrawal causes paranoid/delusional thinking. I had all of the same thoughts: "I need to live in a psychiatric ward" "I need to move home and live with my parents" "I can't take care of myself" "I can't go to work ever again" "I'll never be the same". Am I in a psychiatric ward? Did I move home? NO. Am I taking care of myself and improving? YES. It took three months for these thoughts to subside. but it WILL happen.


2) I don't know why a lot of people hate on SSRI's while proudly championing 5-HTP. 5-HTP to me seems like a less regulated, less tested, and possibly less effective SSRI. I noticed a massive improvement in cognitive ability and mood since starting Zoloft and I improve as my dose increases. You'll probably want a higher dose (150-200mg). I can't guarantee that it will remove your dizziness. Maybe in time. Dizziness & nausea are common side effects when weaning onto SSRI's, but they don't necessarily last. Zoloft may also not be the right SSRI for you. You might have a trial a few (I did).

3) If those are your only remaining symptoms, consider yourself lucky. Comparatively, others here have it MUCH worse.

4) You mentioned blurry vision. Did this clear up? Partially, or completely?
 
ScaredFirstTimer said:
The shit I'm struggling with now is something different than what I had initially, which was more similar to what you described. I wasn't fatigued at all for the first 9 months of this, so working and working out definitely helped. For the last couple of months I get extremely fatigued, both physically and mentally. Now work is hell.

If you would have asked me 3 months ago I would have said that I was close to a reasonable recovery, now I feel pretty fucking far from recovered. So in a way I did recover tremendously, but it's gone down hill again.

Current shit I struggle with:

Fatigue
Depression
Anhedonia
Insomnia/disrupted sleep/lack of deep sleep
Poor immune system
Some minor physical stuff

no anxiety

Starting Tianeptine next week btw.
Click to expand...

Hang in there mate, ive had a lot of episodes of depression in my life and before i got fucked by MDMA i was ok. Not super happy or super sad, just ok.
I found that making a choice to do something or creating any kind of goal gave me some relief. Even if it was something small like going home for the weekend.

The main trigger for my panic attacks and massive anxiety is this damn "dizzy/vertigo" feeling. When did it subside for you guys? I feel i can handle the rest of
this crap a lot better if just the constant 24/7 "dizziness/Vertigo" subsides.
I have started therapy, but since im so clouded by this i dont get much from that either.

In regards to the tinnitus, i have it to. I had it for many years but it filtered away. The anxiety makes you hyper sensitive.
That on it's own makes you hear it more. Thats just my opinion.
 
hoketus said:
1) You won't be stuck like this forever. I know that you feel that way. I felt it for months. MDMA abuse/withdrawal causes paranoid/delusional thinking. I had all of the same thoughts: "I need to live in a psychiatric ward" "I need to move home and live with my parents" "I can't take care of myself" "I can't go to work ever again" "I'll never be the same". Am I in a psychiatric ward? Did I move home? NO. Am I taking care of myself and improving? YES. It took three months for these thoughts to subside. but it WILL happen.


2) I don't know why a lot of people hate on SSRI's while proudly championing 5-HTP. 5-HTP to me seems like a less regulated, less tested, and possibly less effective SSRI. I noticed a massive improvement in cognitive ability and mood since starting Zoloft and I improve as my dose increases. You'll probably want a higher dose (150-200mg). I can't guarantee that it will remove your dizziness. Maybe in time. Dizziness & nausea are common side effects when weaning onto SSRI's, but they don't necessarily last. Zoloft may also not be the right SSRI for you. You might have a trial a few (I did).

3) If those are your only remaining symptoms, consider yourself lucky. Comparatively, others here have it MUCH worse.

4) You mentioned blurry vision. Did this clear up? Partially, or completely?
Click to expand...

2# I do not hate the general idea of SSRI, i just fear it a lot due to the fact that SSRI's can give a lot of side effects. Including the ones we suffer from.
And since we got these conditions to begin with that suggests that we already have a sensitive brain. I havent said i will never use it. But like someone said.
Having theese issues 5 weeks isnt a long enough time.

3# I Do understand that some here have it alot worse, i do feel for every single one of you. I wouldn't wish even 1 of these symptoms to my worst enemy.

4# I still am sensitive to light. It has gotten better. But its still there. When i view things distant its out of focus, and light at night are much more brighter.
Well light in general.

May i ask what triggerd this for you hoketus? And did you do a lot of drugs before the LTC?

I forgot to mention, that day when i did the almost 400mg MDMA i drank A LOT. That also adds to me being very scared.
 
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inzania said:
Id also like to ask ro4eva or anyone what you thinks about Zoloft "SSRI in general" to make my life easier. Does it remove this "dizziness"?
And if you use it how does it help? Ive been to afraid to start using it but i might have to soon.

All the doctors say that my current state has nothing to do with the MDMA etcetc and that its all in my head, tho they dont seem to know much about MDMA/E.
But as we all know there is a limit to how much of our issues are placebo made by the anxiety.

So the things im left with at this moment are

* Very light headaches, pressure behind my eyes.
* "dizziness"
* feeling spaced out
* short term memory is bad, this is also affected by me worrying to much.
* Lack of focus in vision viewing distant things
* Light sensitive

Thank all of you for your time and giving me some relief!

Please share what you guys think about what i just said.

Once again thanks
Click to expand...

Hey inzania - After about 7 months of no improvement by way of a drug free, physically active, nutritionally balanced lifestyle, I ended up using Zoloft (Sertraline) for ~8 months, and 16 of the 20 symptoms which were severely affecting me completely resolved and did not ever return.

That being said, I don't have any objective evidence to prove that it was the Zoloft which made the difference.

Personally, I don't see SSRIs as inherently useless big pharma moneymaking in pill or capsule form. Yes, they do have some potentially nasty side effects associated with their usage, as well as a few which are considered very serious, but I believe they can be useful if someone is desperate to escape whatever it is which is (and has long been) continually tormenting him or her. And if you find yourself in such a predicament, then perhaps it's time to carefully consider such an option by way of bringing it up when you see your doctor.

The long term use of an SSRI can be a difficult commitment for anyone, and especially if you're already suffering from LTC-related symptoms. The first few weeks will likely be the worst, and you'll no doubt have thoughts about stopping, and it's understandable. If however you're able to get through it and stick with the medication for a few months, then perhaps it'll provide you with long term relief of your symptoms, as I very strongly believe it did for me.

Again though, I would only pursue that option as a last resort.

Edit:

Just for the record:

- My symptoms of brain fog, depersonalization, and derealization slowly but surely/completely resolved while on the Zoloft and has never returned after I stopped taking it.
- I recklessly and regretfully ate well over 1000 untested ecstasy pills over a period of several years before I finally became ill, which is the reason why I'm recommending you leave the SSRI as a last resort since you're reporting that you've only one used ecstasy on one occasion. And if you don't mind me asking, are you sure it was MDMA and only MDMA that you ingested?

Whatever you decide to do, I just want you to know that I wish you all the best :)
 
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hoketus said:
Are you exercising?
Click to expand...
Yep, that is very important in my opinion.
Once I had fun in exercising(weight training, running) I always could look forward to the next session. It is some kind of relief for me.
Also seeing your body improving is a very positive side effect ;)
Unfortunately I had a 2-3 weeks brake in training cause of an injury and a tattoo I have since 1 week.
I was very affraid of doing a stepback cause of this but it figured out that I feel as good as when I did my training sessions.
Seems like the exercising has some long term benefits :)
Long story short, exercise, exercise, exercise! :D

EDIT:
By this time sometimes there is the thought that I could miss this whole LTC shit in future. Sounds brutaly absurd, but I have made so much progress for myself and my life, that I sometimes consider beeing like that would be better for me. This is crazy, isn't it?
 
That night i started with:
100mg 84% pure and tested MDMA,
redosed with 80mg pure and tested,
redosed with half a pill that i got from a friend
redosed again with half a pill i got from a friend.

So i took 100 + 80 + half + half

Ive asked my friend regarding the pills and he said they were MDMA

And when i say i took 400mg. Thats just my assumption.
Since the only thing im 100% sure about is the 180mg pure that was tested.

EDIT: Btw Ro4eva do you have any side effects now after the usage of Zoloft?
 
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