MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

[jusjenn21]

one week away from hitting 4 months in. no meds no therapy. Main thing anxiety. In the beginning anxiety was always 2 steps in front of me. ruining my life 24-7. now I feel it's a step behind. it's still there but not nearly as bad as the start. people around me who don't really understand that it was drug induced tell me it's something that I have to live with forever and to get used to it. I will not live like this. I repeat. i miss my social life alot. even tho I feel like a better wiser person than before. oh well. So big props to everyone on here going thru this bs. Time is our friend.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

And that's what I'm disagreeing with. This thread is for people who have problems with MDMA independent of their perceived cause. This includes people who have binged on the drug and those who only took it a few times.

Of course, but when the problem is the binging itself it's something different.

 

[Tpchan85]

So again, this is not how this medicine is supposed to be taken and unfortunately experiences such as these contribute to all the "I didnt like SSRIs, they turned me into a zombie/made me a different person/made everything worse" stories you see on the internet.

It is a very good point you make. I would've kept on going if it weren't for the terrible heartburn it was causing, I'm on meds to reduce inflammation caused by heartburn anyway and a week of citalopram has made that a good deal worse. I also do finding it worrying the level of sexual dysfunction it caused, never had any problem there whilst on MDMA, it makes you question what is changing in your brain when your body adapts to this medicine (peak plasma levels are reached after a week but changes continue long after that).

I don't want to deter anyone from trying an SSRI as it does seem to be the fastest route to recovery, just letting people know what to expect.

 

[greenback]

I'm glad to see the Bluelight community is still going strong.

I have been looking forward to writing the following post for the last 3 years. I began suffering an MDMA-induced long term comedown after a reckless night at the end of 2011 where I nailed close to a gram in the space of an hour due to ignorance while drunk.

I posted my symptoms on Bluelight and received support from several members, including FBC, whose posts I found helpful, illuminating and terrifying in equal measure. After a few weeks I quit the forums, in the hope that ignoring my symptoms would break the anxiety loop and I would get better quickly (I didn't).

I remember well the day my depersonalisation kicked in, exactly four days after the roll. The world looked very different from that moment on.

Over the next few days I began experiencing all of the following:
- DP/DR (like being stuck in a dream)
- Changes in vision (strong sensitivity to light; shutter vision, as if time had slowed down)
- Persistent floaters in both eyes, flashes, negative afterimages
- Visual snow
- Head pressure - as if a vice was slowly squashing the right side of my brain
- Dizziness
- Headaches
- Tinnitus
- Lasting sleep maintenance insomnia; nightmares
- Brain zaps (only a few)
- Random bouts of pins and needles
- Depression (unpleasant, but I was able to keep functioning - i.e. not clinical depression)
- Anhedonia
- Brain fog
- Short-term memory problems

After 12 months of this I was still suffering many of the above symptoms, albeit at a significantly reduced level. One thing that I'm sure prolonged this was work-related stress and on many occasions I gave up all hope of complete recovery. Part of the issue was I had become fixated by studying my symptoms on a daily basis, and couldn't objectively see I'd actually made a huge amount of progress.

I'm glad to be able to say that my symptoms have reduced to the point of insignificance. I wouldn't say I'm at 100% all the time, but if I had to put a figure on it, I'd probably put it at 75-80% worst case (head pressure comes back when stress is up, hungover or skipping lots of sleep), but most of the time I'm 95-100%. For the better part of the last couple of years have been enjoying life just as much as I was before all this, and ultimately I think that's all that matters.

I still have trouble maintaining sleep during times of stress, and floaters can still be very distracting when driving, but I've grown so used to them I don't really care much any more.

The message I want to send out to everyone on here who is still suffering after a few weeks and starting to give up hope is YOU WILL GET BETTER. And most importantly you will enjoy life again, even if you still have lingering symptoms, as I have at times.

There is no panacea as far as I know. After reading a few horror stories I decided to avoid anti-depressants - they work well for some but I decided to err on the side of caution. I still went on the whole supplements merry-go-round (curcumin, gingko, acetyl-l-carnitine, fish oil, plus other stuff I can't even remember). This didn't do much for me, but it certainly didn't do any harm and was probably important psychologically to feel that I was taking action.

I also went on a short CBT hypnotherapy course at about 6 months. I think it helped a little, but I didn't really hit the sweet-spot – it takes a lot of practice to reap the benefits. Some people have had great results from CBT though, so I would urge anyone to give it ago.

Here's what definitely DID help get me through:

- Exercise. It gave temporary respite from head pressure (one of the worst things for me) and low mood. Specifically, I found press-ups better than anything else, but moderate-intensity cardio good too.
- Keeping up with friends. Force yourself to socialise even when it's hard. I tried to do something social every 1-2 weeks. I always felt the benefits of improved mood for a couple of days afterwards.
- A healthy diet (you know the drill: oily fish, fresh leafy greens, not too much crap). Don't go overboard - still have a bit of what you want.
- Avoid drugs and go easy on the alcohol. Personally I found a few beers helpful when socialising (3-4 pints max), but a hangover would always exacerbate symptoms the next day.
- Coffee. Many posters tell you to avoid stimulants, especially in the early stages of recovery. My advice is suck it and see. For me, coffee really helped reduce head pressure, although it would always creep back.
- Look at Bluelight, but not excessively. Some posts gave me renewed hope, others very much didn't.

I gave up hope of complete recovery at many points, especially around 9 months when I had a lot of work-related stress and I couldn't see the good progress I had made.

Stay strong, know you’re not alone, be patient, keep healthy, and keep going. Take it from someone who has been there: you WILL get through this.

Good luck!

 

[PJ2]

@greenback,

That's good, I guess!?! 75% after 3 years? I mean I'm glad you're feeling better for sure, but if the symptoms are still like that it's crazy not to try an ssri IMO.

I wiped out my symptoms after a little over 6 months with ssri's. Everything now is extremely minor. Until very recently, symptoms were non-existent.

@Tphcan,

You should have kept on going. All you did was throw your brain chemistry out of whack with your "experiment" without any of the true benefits. It made me sicker for two weeks. So much so, I almost quit as well. But, then I came out the other side.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Hey guys, wanted to give you a short review:
Anxiety: still hard sometimes
Depression: mild
Fatigue: gone
DP/DR/strange vision: pops out on occasion
Insomnia: mild
Brain fog: GONE!
Weird thoughts: occassionally
Cognitive problems(short term memory, etc.): At its old level!

I made progress but its hard to notice over time. Thats one of my main problems. I didnt wrote a journal and soemtimes when I feel bad I do not see any progress I made in this 4 month.
Even if its heading upwards, I consider taking other ADs. I took Valdoxan for nearly 2 month now and it made this dark time maybe marginally brighter, but Im not even sure about that.
Dont want to take meds that give me not benefits at all.
I have to complete a very harsh semester this year and maybe I need the right mediaction helping me go through this.

 

[greenback]

@rphilli72,

On reflection, 75% is when the residual symptoms are at their absolute worst, i.e. when sleep deprived/hungover (as I was when I posted!). I put this down to head pressure and floaters. Most days these are unnoticeable, though. In general I feel close to 100% and have edited my post to make this clear.

The hardest part was the first three months. I certainly reinforced the anxiety by studying my symptoms and losing a sense of perspective on how much things had improved. As DeltonPedro mentions above, keeping a diary will give you this perspective and is something I wish I'd done.

Regarding SSRIs, I read a few posts that put me off the idea and my GP, who diagnosed anxiety, didn't feel it was necessary. However, they work wonders for some, so I wouldn't rule this out if I ever found myself back at square one.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

I'm glad to see the Bluelight community is still going strong.

I have been looking forward to writing the following post for the last 3 years.

Thanks for this post man! It's cool to see that recovery is an ongoing process over multiple years. I'm approaching one year now, and knowing that recovery will keep happening is probably the fact that gives me the most motivation for the future.

What you say about SSRI's is very important. There is documented quite a few weird(horrible) reactions to SSRI's from people with LTC's or people with HPPD (which is comparable to a LTC). It's awesome that they work for some people though.

 

[greenback]

@ScaredFirstTimer,

You're welcome! I found it very difficult to accept that this wasn't going to be quickly fixed, and if I'd just chilled out about it and tried to accept at 3 months that I may be in for the long haul, I probably would have made faster progress. Easier said than done when you're sleep deprived and worrying about brain damage!

For the first few weeks I thought I'd totally ruined my life, and even up to 18 months I spent a lot of time regretting something I couldn't undo and obsessing about my symptoms, which increased the anxiety level. Not that what we experience is somehow imagined or entirely under our control - it's very real and very unpleasant! But I'm sure my symptoms were further exacerbated by stress and negative thought patterns.

You'll find there gradually comes a time when you become preoccupied by things other than your recovery; life in general takes over. For some, this happens at one month, for me though it was probably around 18 months. The lingering symptoms I still have hardly affect my day-to-day quality of life, and whilst it would be a nice bonus if they disappeared for good, I can easily put up with them.

Glad to hear you're hanging in there at the one year mark, it's a big milestone. However you feel now, remember that it will keep getting better. It's not a smooth transition - there will be better days and worse days, but the trend will definitely be one of overall improvement.

Best of luck!

 

[imabicycle]

@ScaredFirstTimer,

You're welcome! I found it very difficult to accept that this wasn't going to be quickly fixed, and if I'd just chilled out about it and tried to accept at 3 months that I may be in for the long haul, I probably would have made faster progress. Easier said than done when you're sleep deprived and worrying about brain damage!

For the first few weeks I thought I'd totally ruined my life, and even up to 18 months I spent a lot of time regretting something I couldn't undo and obsessing about my symptoms, which increased the anxiety level. Not that what we experience is somehow entirely under our control - it's very real and very unpleasant! But I'm sure my symptoms were further exacerbated by stress and negative thought patterns.

You'll find there gradually comes a time when you become preoccupied by things other than your recovery; life in general takes over. For some, this happens at one month, for me though it was probably around 18 months. The lingering symptoms I still have hardly affect my day-to-day quality of life, and whilst it would be a nice bonus if they disappeared for good, I can easily put up with them.

Glad to hear you're hanging in there at the one year mark, it's a big milestone. However you feel now, remember that it will keep getting better. It's not a smooth transition - there will be better days and worse days, but the trend will definitely be one of overall improvement.

Best of luck!

Thanks for sharing your shit I'm glad ur feeling better. Keep up the good work. We should have more people like you who can give the really longtermers some hope. Most people don't report back. So thanks a lot.

 

[greenback]

@imabicycle

Thanks man, my pleasure.

There is always hope. And when a pessimistic bastard like me tells you that, then it must be true!

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

How old were you when it happened greenback?

 

[greenback]

How old were you when it happened greenback?

I was 30, in good health otherwise, with little usage history - I had used MDMA in recreational doses a handful of times previously.

 

[India111]

Thanks for your post Greenback, really good to hear you got your life back I think if it weren't for having such bad fatigue I would be able to just carry on with my life as normal despite all the other symptoms, I do the best I can now but that's the symptom that's really holding me back (can only hold down part time work atm so living with parents, not what a recent graduate wants to be doing)

Scaredfirsttimer - hppd and a LTC are two completely different things. For a start, hppd is purely visual disturbances, whereas a LTC can be a whole array of other symptoms, the most obvious being anxiety and depression. Sometimes the stuff you post is just really negative and has misinformation that can really get to people, as it has with me on a number of occasions.

Edit - I'm aware it's difficult to distinguish what exactly classifies as 'misinformation' when there isn't any credible evidence proving a LTC even exists (I wish there was though), but it's easy to mistake Dr/dp with hppd because of the visual disturbances. As a result in the early days I thought all the horrible symptoms I was experiencing was in fact hppd, and after reading on the internet hppd can be permanent, I went spiralling into a panic that led to some sort of nervous breakdown. Just saying that mixing up terms and presenting speculation as fact like that can be very harmful

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

Scaredfirsttimer - hppd and a LTC are two completely different things. For a start, hppd is purely visual disturbances, whereas a LTC can be a whole array of other symptoms, the most obvious being anxiety and depression. Sometimes the stuff you post is just really negative and has misinformation that can really get to people, as it has with me on a number of occasions.

Many people actually diagnosed with HPPD has the same cluster of symptoms as we have: DP/DR, anxiety and depression.

Didn't realize that this could be perceived in a negative way, I'm sorry if that is the case.

Edit: The user happy_dude had HPPD from MDMA, and recovered completely

 

[elephantsareneat]

I quit MDMA cold turkey a few months ago after doing it once every week-two weeks; I have turned into a full-fledged hypochondriac.

I have never had anxiety at any point in my life before this, so this is especially hard to cope with. I can't sleep until 6-7am most nights because I'm in fear that I'll die in my sleep of a heart attack or something. I'm afraid to eat a lot of foods because I've developed a weird fear that I might be allergic to them. I'm afraid to be by myself anymore. I've made 2 trips to the ER thinking I was dying of toxic shock syndrome and a heart attack.

Keep in mind I'm 22 years old with no previous health issues. I've never done any other drug. I lift weights and am extremely in shape, all I eat is fruits vegetables chicken and eggs, all I drink is water/OJ/milk. I cant drink alcohol anymore because after a night of getting drunk I will undoubtedly have a panic attack the next day. I cant even have candy or caffeine or anything with a lot of added sugar anymore. I realize that the diet things are a beneficial aspect of the anxiety but hell, I WANT CANDY AND ALCOHOL.

Has anyone found anything to be helpful during this time? I dont really know what to do with myself and I'm not open to taking medication. Yeah, that scares me too.

 

[BlueBull]

^
Welcome to bluelight elephantsareneat. Perhaps you could try some cognitive therapy to try to curb the anxiety and hypochondria a bit? They feed off each other so if you succeed in decreasing either one of the two it will probably decrease the other one as well. Also getting a full checkup done could ease your mind a bit though I am not familiar with hypochondria so this is just a guess, it might make things worse so you should wait for a reply from someone that has personal experience with it. I hope you get well soon, if you have any questions, remarks, want to vent,... or for any other reason really don't hesitate to ask people on bluelight for help, that's what we're here for

 

[DrGreenthumb]

elephantsareneat, I think you realise your fears are irrational, that's the first step. Possibly some medication could help you, but if you're not open to that then you'll have to do it the hard way & deal with your fears through meditation and/or therapy. Sounds like your diet isn't too bad & you're getting plenty of exercise, but you could vary it by adding nuts, seeds, lean fresh red meat & oily fish. Try gentler more relaxing exercise too, something that allows you to think more while you're exercising, rather than lifting weights all the time, try long walks or swimming.

You could get yourself tested for food intolerances & allergies, it's not totally impossible (unlikely though, they're fairly rare). I found out a few months ago I can't eat gluten & I've never felt better since I stopped eating it. I've had this gluten intolerance for many years & never knew what was making me ill all the time, it just kept getting worse as I got older. If the tests come back clear then it should put your mind at rest & stop you from developing some (worse) eating disorder. If anything comes back positive then at least you'll know what you can't eat, it'll stop the irrational fears over other foods & you should get some professional help from a dietician. If you want to get tested for gluten then you'll have to eat plenty of it for months before the test or it wont show up at all, not sure about other food intolerances/allergies. I guess you'd have already been in hospital before & know about it if it's something that causes more immediate problems like a nut allergy. If you've never had any digestive problems at all then it's really unlikely you've got a food allergy, but if you have any real symptoms then it might be worth getting it checked out, even if they seem mild, before you make it worse. If you seem unable to put weight on or have vitamin deficiency symptoms despite eating well, then get it checked out. Diabetes is easy to check for if you're worried about sugar. I don't want to make you worse, but just because you're a hypochondriac doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with you, if you feel you have a bad reaction to certain foods then get it tested. It's really not healthy to totally cut out whole groups of foods due to some irrational fear. If you do have some food intolerance then you need to find out what it is & get professional help with your diet.

Going gluten free has been hard enough for me & I basically have to rely on eating more sugar just to get enough carbs, if you're going to cut out every type of food that somebody might be allergic to, that's going to really restrict your diet, which is stupid & will cause you real harm.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Hey guys,
Im fighting with thoughts since 2 days again about getting crazy or getting a personallity disorder.
The thoughts are so tormenting. I know Im not crazy but the thoughts are working hard on me. Why should i turn crazy after 4 month in this whole rollercoaster.
There is no family history schizophrenia or stuff like that.
But these thoughts just want leave me alone...Questions like what if Im going schizophrenic or what if i might hurt someone or stuff like that(dont missunderstand me, Im really not forced to hurt someone)
Can anybody relate to this?

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

Hey guys,
Im fighting with thoughts since 2 days again about getting crazy or getting a personallity disorder.
The thoughts are so tormenting. I know Im not crazy but the thoughts are working hard on me. Why should i turn crazy after 4 month in this whole rollercoaster.
There is no family history schizophrenia or stuff like that.
But these thoughts just want leave me alone...Questions like what if Im going schizophrenic or what if i might hurt someone or stuff like that(dont missunderstand me, Im really not forced to hurt someone)
Can anybody relate to this?

What are the thoughts you have exactly man?

I can relate completely. I've had those thoughts many times throughout my LTC, and I know others have as well as I've talked with other sufferers about it. I don't think it's anything to worry about at all. A part of it might be some OCD like thoughts, at least that's what I had, random bizarre thoughts that just comes out of nowhere. It also seems to be an element of DP with me. Kind of like being differentiated from my own thoughts, thinking "who the hell just thought that".

I think you should calm down completely. Nearly every recovery story says something along the lines of "I thought I was losing my mind/going psychotic/gotten schizo/etc". In my experience "spikes" like this last for a few days, then die down again.