I'm in a bad depression, it's been a several years since I felt this way, not even drugs numb or mask these feelings. I wish this could all go away but its like a big shit storm hovering over me that wont let up. So I decided that I will start meditations daily instead of self medicating and self hatred towards myself. You know there has to be something more to life than drugs, work(money),stress of daily living? So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm dropping my drug habit's without suboxone this time around I will go through everything and feel all the pain I put my body through the years naturally.
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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way
- Thread starter Black Rabbit of Inle
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Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
I think that's a really healthy plan greeneyes. 
Meditation is a great thing, and you're right, there SO much more to life than drugs and money. In fact money is a pretty unimportant thing as far as happiness and fulfillment is concerned, it's only important because to live the "normal" way in this world you need it. But money doesn't bring happiness, just look at all the miserable wealthy people. That's an illusion perpetuated by the people that want you to work yourself to the bone to line their pockets.
I bet just getting past the drugs will improve your life most of the way, that's how it was for me. It's incredible and terrifying how far down into feeling like everything sucks you can get just from being addicted to drugs. It makes you feel like everything in life is terrible but that, too, is an illusion, brought on by screwed up brain chemistry from drug addiction.
Meditation is a great thing, and you're right, there SO much more to life than drugs and money. In fact money is a pretty unimportant thing as far as happiness and fulfillment is concerned, it's only important because to live the "normal" way in this world you need it. But money doesn't bring happiness, just look at all the miserable wealthy people. That's an illusion perpetuated by the people that want you to work yourself to the bone to line their pockets.I bet just getting past the drugs will improve your life most of the way, that's how it was for me. It's incredible and terrifying how far down into feeling like everything sucks you can get just from being addicted to drugs. It makes you feel like everything in life is terrible but that, too, is an illusion, brought on by screwed up brain chemistry from drug addiction.
PerfectDisguise
Bluelighter
I hate being sober. Every day is the fucking same thing, working a shitty job and watching tv or movies. This is the longest period I've gone being sober, and i'm just hopelessly bored. I try to do some of the things I used to enjoy, but it doesn't help. Being in a constant state of melancholy (diagnosed major depression) mixed with social anxiety is really taking its toll on me. I'm too young for this shit. I can't imagine working 45+ more years. Physically I feel ok being sober but I still don't feel happy or sad. Alcohol and drugs have created this void in me that seems like it cannot be filled. I am trying to change but I just don't like who I am.
HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
I always get the shit end of the stick.
Thanks..
That is all.
-HOOD
Thanks..
That is all.
-HOOD
Carl Landrover
Bluelighter
I really appreciate the responses guys. As I've said I deal with a lot of negativity in my real life, so it's nice that you guys are not only not negative, but actually have some positive things to say. It's easier for the negative stuck to stick with you and I've just been dealing with so much of it lately.
In a nut shell what's really getting me down is that my step sister is back in town and she's "the good one". I used to be when I was younger because I was an awesome student and played sports and was active. I've obviously fucked up a lot the last few years while she's done well for herself. She's out of state a lot, but she's been back in town the last few weeks and will be for the next few weeks.
I've been paying off a lot of debt that has accumulated as a result of my decisions over the last 2 years. Every month I get money taken out of my account and it's put in a mutual fund that I don't touch. I realized I had over withdrawn my account the other day and I wouldn't have enough to cover the amount taken out. Not wanting my checking account to bounce I called up my step sister and asked her for a 3 day loan of $60. She said she had to think about, but would call me back soon. I waited an hour and then called her back to see what was up and to let her know that I could get by with $40 instead. She didn't answer and then I knew she was just going to duck me. So I texted her that it's ok if she can't do it, don't feel obligated to, etc.
She texts back that she's not comfortable with this, so she can't. Now it's her money and she can do what she wants with it, so I just responded that it was fine. I'll figure something out, and I didn't press her or give her any attitude. The money I would have borrowed is money she budgeted for her upcoming vacation so if I didn't pay her back it would eaten into her vacation budget. Though if I didn't pay her back on Wednesday, like I said I would, she could have just gone to my step dad or my mother and they would have reimbursed her and then bitched me out. I wouldn't want this to happen so it would have given me even more reason to pay her back right away, which I would have regardless.
You know how I got the money? I asked a co-worker and they gave it to me right away, no questions asked, and they didn't have to think about it. I told him I'd pay him back Wednesday and he was fine with it. Now we're friendly at work, but we're not friends, we don't see each other outside of work. We're just co-workers that get along.
Now if I say, asked my mother for money, well I could understand her not wanting to and being upset. I've done plenty of which I'm ashamed and have hurt her greatly over the last few years. I am deeply bothered by it and am trying to make amends. I didn't want her to have to bail me out yet again. My stepsister has been out of state the last few years. I have never asked her for a ride, never asked to borrow her car, never asked for money, never asked her for any favor at all. The other day when I asked to borrow $60 for three days was the very first time I've ever asked anything of her. Yet, she wasn't comfortable loaning out that much money to someone in her family that she has known for 25 years and has been related to for 23 years. 8)
Again, it's her money and her choice, but I don't think she's even thought how this makes me feel. It makes me feel like shit in case you're wondering.
She's going on a vacation, she just bought a 2014 Subaru. Obviously she got bills, but it's not like she's poor and this is a huge percentage of her money. The thing about it is if the amount was too much, a person who wanted to help would say something like, "I don't know if I could do $60, but if I gave you $20 or $30 is that ok?" However she just had a problem with the principle of allowing me to borrow money. ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
IDK, maybe I'm getting overly upset about it. I don't know what it's like to be in her shoes and to have a scum-bag, loser stepbrother. I just don't get what made her so uncomfortable? Because we're related she would have definitely gotten the money back and I don't consider that to be a large amount. I've loaned out that much or more money to friends before. I guess that's what I'm bothered about. If the roles were reversed I would have lent her the money. She thinks she's open-minded and not judgmental, but she's judgmental and pretty close-minded. If she couldn't even do this small a favor I'm assuming I could never call her if I was really in trouble.
It's stuff like this that keeps reminding me how little I'm liked by the people that are supposed to be family. A few years back when I had a serious girlfriend, we had a family dinner where my stepsister met her and what not. After dinner the GF and I went out for drinks, we called up my stepsister and invited her out to hang out with us. She was busy or had to be up early or something. Now my stepsister has a serious boyfriend and I'm here in town, but do you think they'd ever call me up and ask me to do anything? Or do you think she'd call me up and ever see if I wanted to do anything? Nope. 
I can't say for sure what she thinks of me, but it doesn't appear to be anything positive.
Everyone wants a piece of you when you're doing well. When you're going through a tough time people shrug their shoulders and give you half-hearted, half-insulting advice.
As I've said I deal with a lot of negativity in my real life, so it's nice that you guys are not only not negative, but actually have some positive things to say. It's easier for the negative stuck to stick with you and I've just been dealing with so much of it lately.In a nut shell what's really getting me down is that my step sister is back in town and she's "the good one". I used to be when I was younger because I was an awesome student and played sports and was active. I've obviously fucked up a lot the last few years while she's done well for herself. She's out of state a lot, but she's been back in town the last few weeks and will be for the next few weeks.
I've been paying off a lot of debt that has accumulated as a result of my decisions over the last 2 years. Every month I get money taken out of my account and it's put in a mutual fund that I don't touch. I realized I had over withdrawn my account the other day and I wouldn't have enough to cover the amount taken out. Not wanting my checking account to bounce I called up my step sister and asked her for a 3 day loan of $60. She said she had to think about, but would call me back soon. I waited an hour and then called her back to see what was up and to let her know that I could get by with $40 instead. She didn't answer and then I knew she was just going to duck me. So I texted her that it's ok if she can't do it, don't feel obligated to, etc.
She texts back that she's not comfortable with this, so she can't. Now it's her money and she can do what she wants with it, so I just responded that it was fine. I'll figure something out, and I didn't press her or give her any attitude. The money I would have borrowed is money she budgeted for her upcoming vacation so if I didn't pay her back it would eaten into her vacation budget. Though if I didn't pay her back on Wednesday, like I said I would, she could have just gone to my step dad or my mother and they would have reimbursed her and then bitched me out. I wouldn't want this to happen so it would have given me even more reason to pay her back right away, which I would have regardless.
You know how I got the money? I asked a co-worker and they gave it to me right away, no questions asked, and they didn't have to think about it. I told him I'd pay him back Wednesday and he was fine with it. Now we're friendly at work, but we're not friends, we don't see each other outside of work. We're just co-workers that get along.
Now if I say, asked my mother for money, well I could understand her not wanting to and being upset. I've done plenty of which I'm ashamed and have hurt her greatly over the last few years. I am deeply bothered by it and am trying to make amends. I didn't want her to have to bail me out yet again. My stepsister has been out of state the last few years. I have never asked her for a ride, never asked to borrow her car, never asked for money, never asked her for any favor at all. The other day when I asked to borrow $60 for three days was the very first time I've ever asked anything of her. Yet, she wasn't comfortable loaning out that much money to someone in her family that she has known for 25 years and has been related to for 23 years. 8)
Again, it's her money and her choice, but I don't think she's even thought how this makes me feel. It makes me feel like shit in case you're wondering.
She's going on a vacation, she just bought a 2014 Subaru. Obviously she got bills, but it's not like she's poor and this is a huge percentage of her money. The thing about it is if the amount was too much, a person who wanted to help would say something like, "I don't know if I could do $60, but if I gave you $20 or $30 is that ok?" However she just had a problem with the principle of allowing me to borrow money. IDK, maybe I'm getting overly upset about it. I don't know what it's like to be in her shoes and to have a scum-bag, loser stepbrother. I just don't get what made her so uncomfortable? Because we're related she would have definitely gotten the money back and I don't consider that to be a large amount. I've loaned out that much or more money to friends before. I guess that's what I'm bothered about. If the roles were reversed I would have lent her the money. She thinks she's open-minded and not judgmental, but she's judgmental and pretty close-minded. If she couldn't even do this small a favor I'm assuming I could never call her if I was really in trouble.
It's stuff like this that keeps reminding me how little I'm liked by the people that are supposed to be family. A few years back when I had a serious girlfriend, we had a family dinner where my stepsister met her and what not. After dinner the GF and I went out for drinks, we called up my stepsister and invited her out to hang out with us. She was busy or had to be up early or something. Now my stepsister has a serious boyfriend and I'm here in town, but do you think they'd ever call me up and ask me to do anything? Or do you think she'd call me up and ever see if I wanted to do anything? Nope.
I can't say for sure what she thinks of me, but it doesn't appear to be anything positive. Everyone wants a piece of you when you're doing well. When you're going through a tough time people shrug their shoulders and give you half-hearted, half-insulting advice.
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I think that's a really healthy plan greeneyes.
I bet just getting past the drugs will improve your life most of the way, that's how it was for me. It's incredible and terrifying how far down into feeling like everything sucks you can get just from being addicted to drugs. It makes you feel like everything in life is terrible but that, too, is an illusion, brought on by screwed up brain chemistry from drug addiction.
Thank you for an uplifting post, it makes me feel a bit better with encouragement and support of my healthy plan for my drug usage etc..
I truly cannot wait to be drug free,depression along with serious anxiety to subside. All I can do from here is to stick to my plan no matter how bad life brings me down I will brush my shoulders off and move on. It will be a tough journey but I'm ready for the rocky roads ahead.
Papaverium
Bluelighter
UGHHH my computer is fucked, I have to reinstall my entire OS.... I wish Bluelight had a nifty phone app....
I've got this random annoying problem- my mouth is salivating like crazy.. Now I'm by myself I am having to spit every couple minutes this weird, thick, bubbly, excessive watery saliva. Sorry, I know it's gross.
I can't figure out which medication it's from- antidepressants, cymbalta, methadone or diazepam. Lol..
I'm getting more and more frustrated at this... For months, wait no, years now, I've been asking to see a therapist to help me deal with my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, PTSD. self harming and suicidal thoughts, actions and aftermath of attempts. (I first just had PTSD, depression, social anxiety and bulimia but with a healthy BMI of 22. Now, my BMI is 16.8, I've attempted suicide multiple times, went through a dark time of burning myself, hitting myself on the head with dangerous objects to stop the bad thoughts, as well as the other issues).
They won't help me though as I am "not coping enough", and "am stuck in a catch 22"..! Arghh. The more time goes on, the worse it gets. I've had an eating disorder for a long ass time, but still maintained a healthy weight (I was bulimic) and had periods. Every time I see my doctor, I am the one to ask to be weighed, and every time it's less and less. I can't eat solid food now.. I can't go to the bathroom.. I haven't had a period in over a year..
I have known my doctor and "care coordinator" way since before my heroin addiction, which began as a failed suicide attempt. My doctor laughs and says I have done this all to myself..
It's like they have given up on me. My care coordinator has ignored every call and text message since June.. I was told by her to contact her this way and am so confused.. I've asked her if she wants me to see anyone else but she told me not to and to contact her whenever I needed to (yet no reply). :/ As I'm technically under her care, I've been refused to be allowed to see any other person who deals with mental health.
I'm on a methadone script now, am taking the antidepressants, am doing the best I can. I just would love for someone to help me. I have bad flashbacks and memories of horrible things.. Especially of the suicide attempts and self harming.
What should I do? :/
The rate I'm going, I'll be dead from my organs failing not suicide. Yay..
I can't figure out which medication it's from- antidepressants, cymbalta, methadone or diazepam. Lol..
I'm getting more and more frustrated at this... For months, wait no, years now, I've been asking to see a therapist to help me deal with my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, PTSD. self harming and suicidal thoughts, actions and aftermath of attempts. (I first just had PTSD, depression, social anxiety and bulimia but with a healthy BMI of 22. Now, my BMI is 16.8, I've attempted suicide multiple times, went through a dark time of burning myself, hitting myself on the head with dangerous objects to stop the bad thoughts, as well as the other issues).
They won't help me though as I am "not coping enough", and "am stuck in a catch 22"..! Arghh. The more time goes on, the worse it gets. I've had an eating disorder for a long ass time, but still maintained a healthy weight (I was bulimic) and had periods. Every time I see my doctor, I am the one to ask to be weighed, and every time it's less and less. I can't eat solid food now.. I can't go to the bathroom.. I haven't had a period in over a year..
I have known my doctor and "care coordinator" way since before my heroin addiction, which began as a failed suicide attempt. My doctor laughs and says I have done this all to myself..
It's like they have given up on me. My care coordinator has ignored every call and text message since June.. I was told by her to contact her this way and am so confused.. I've asked her if she wants me to see anyone else but she told me not to and to contact her whenever I needed to (yet no reply). :/ As I'm technically under her care, I've been refused to be allowed to see any other person who deals with mental health.
I'm on a methadone script now, am taking the antidepressants, am doing the best I can. I just would love for someone to help me. I have bad flashbacks and memories of horrible things.. Especially of the suicide attempts and self harming.
What should I do? :/
The rate I'm going, I'll be dead from my organs failing not suicide. Yay..
Went to the hospital because I have been sick and in pain due to my genetic condition.
Was ignored for the most part and instead treated with intense energy for stroke-like symptoms.
Yes, I had a stroke a month ago, but that is not why I went to the hospital!
Doctor after Doctor after doctor came to me, asked me my symptoms, looked fucking puzzled and disapointed when I explained that my spine hurt me and that it was making my quality of life too shitty to continue to tough-out, then asked me to touch my nose etc.. stroke tests..
Then last night I was told that they thought the MRI showed that I had in fact had a stroke and was rushed to a bigger hospital presumably to continue testing and consider surgical options.
Then at the new hostpital = was told the first hospital was wrong.
Continued to have to fight to explain why I went to the hospital, finally got to come home tonight, and the fucking self-absorbed doctor wrote me 3 days! worth of 5mg percocets. They will not even last me until my Doc. appt next Weds.
these fucking shit heads.
approximate attention from these fucks 80%=stroke 15%=mental health 5%=pain treatment.
really fucking angry at these guys. FUCK THESE DOCTORS AND SOCIAL WORKERS THAT CONTINUED TO PROMISE AND RE-ASSURE AND THEN LIE.
I feel like harassing them starting first thing in the morning, but i also don't want to devote so much negativity...
Was ignored for the most part and instead treated with intense energy for stroke-like symptoms.
Yes, I had a stroke a month ago, but that is not why I went to the hospital!
Doctor after Doctor after doctor came to me, asked me my symptoms, looked fucking puzzled and disapointed when I explained that my spine hurt me and that it was making my quality of life too shitty to continue to tough-out, then asked me to touch my nose etc.. stroke tests..
Then last night I was told that they thought the MRI showed that I had in fact had a stroke and was rushed to a bigger hospital presumably to continue testing and consider surgical options.
Then at the new hostpital = was told the first hospital was wrong.
Continued to have to fight to explain why I went to the hospital, finally got to come home tonight, and the fucking self-absorbed doctor wrote me 3 days! worth of 5mg percocets. They will not even last me until my Doc. appt next Weds.
these fucking shit heads.
approximate attention from these fucks 80%=stroke 15%=mental health 5%=pain treatment.
really fucking angry at these guys. FUCK THESE DOCTORS AND SOCIAL WORKERS THAT CONTINUED TO PROMISE AND RE-ASSURE AND THEN LIE.
I feel like harassing them starting first thing in the morning, but i also don't want to devote so much negativity...
WyldOrchid5150
Bluelighter
Corazon, my heart goes out to you, I've been where you are....it's barbaric at times how they treat people.
I don't post often, afraid to in a way, but I have no one to vent to. I'm feeling so lost, like a boat in the middle of a hurricane. My husband is badly hurt, fighting for his disability, and because of chronic pain and stress, is turning into someone else. It's a horrible thing to watch and its just kills me that this vibrant man has turned into a..well..I don't even have the heart to say.
I returned to work part-time to try and keep us up until his decision happens. Here's the kick, I have had two heart attacks, three stents, diabetes, and horrible neuropathic pain. Fuck, this is shit....this is NOT how this was supposed to go down. I didn't want to move back to Georgia, I didn't want to make a deal with the devil and I did, but I did it for us. Now, I'm so sick from not having my heart and metabolic drugs, I can barely hold my head up. What the fuck have I done?
I don't post often, afraid to in a way, but I have no one to vent to. I'm feeling so lost, like a boat in the middle of a hurricane. My husband is badly hurt, fighting for his disability, and because of chronic pain and stress, is turning into someone else. It's a horrible thing to watch and its just kills me that this vibrant man has turned into a..well..I don't even have the heart to say.
I returned to work part-time to try and keep us up until his decision happens. Here's the kick, I have had two heart attacks, three stents, diabetes, and horrible neuropathic pain. Fuck, this is shit....this is NOT how this was supposed to go down. I didn't want to move back to Georgia, I didn't want to make a deal with the devil and I did, but I did it for us. Now, I'm so sick from not having my heart and metabolic drugs, I can barely hold my head up. What the fuck have I done?
Boupstarnm
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2011
- Messages
- 443
I don't know how you could think things are ok or are on any path towards normalcy. I don't know how you could do this shit to me. Over and over. Every time I push you to keep your promises you get upset and tell me of course you'll do it. You procrastinate until near disaster then once the sky is falling I'm supposed to swoop in and save the day plus the clean up the mess left by your procrastination.
You say you're sorry, you know I deserve better, you know it's not fair but nothing changes. I fucking beg. I make it so simple. I tell you exactly what to do and say. Not in a pushy way. Fuck, you could fake it and that'd probably keep me satisfied for a little while. Just to see a minimal amount of effort and concern for my well-being would shock me. You only do just enough work to keep me quiet combined with an endless supply of excuses to fill in the blanks. It's not complicated stuff, get a job, clean once in a while, not be a bitch, don't expect me to both not pester you AND be superman at the drop of the hat.
Telling you to go home isn't easy. I've invested so much time, effort, love , whatever the fuck I could do make you happy. I trusted your word over and over. I have no one and nothing here. I'd be throwing away my only friend for complete isolation and nothing but hard times. But at this point I feel so disrespected I don't know why I'd want to keep pushing forward. How many times have we had this conversation? What are you doing now? Sleeping?browsing the internet? If I'm lucky you'll spend 30 minutes looking for a job a day and the rest is leisure time. Some days you do absolutely nothing but create excuses and white lies.
You lie all the fucking time. White lies, excuses and combined with the gossip, everyone but me knows how bad it really is. Even then the gossip, the cheating , the lies like that's not as bad as the tangible shit I have to struggle with every day. You'll lie and create excuses to keep yourself happy. Day after day without hesitation or remorse.
You don't consider what the fuck you're doing to me. If it's either me taking on 25% more stress (you know I've been maxed out for months) or you taking on 5% more stress.....every fucking time you'll leave the stress at my feet.
You have to see the way you treat me. I've brought it all up over and over. And although you deny it you're perfectly ok with this situation. This is not the girl I fell for. Was that all an act? Anyone reading this will think "damn dude what a sucker" they're right. But it wasn't always like this. You used to care about me, you'd be so sweet....like even if you were being a bitch once in a while, you were so sweet and loving that it would make me feel silly for doubting you.
Now. Fuck. What do I do? Step into the cold unknown or continue to live this lie? My hope is pretty much gone. at least in the cold unknown there is a mystery waiting for me. Right here , right now, I know I'll be unappreciated, walked all over and fed just enough love/sex to keep me hooked.
You know what you're doing and you don't care. Who the fuck are you? Who is this person? Was it all an act?
All I ever want was honesty and a friend. I made it so easy. Either I'm not worth it or you're a sociopath.
You say you're sorry, you know I deserve better, you know it's not fair but nothing changes. I fucking beg. I make it so simple. I tell you exactly what to do and say. Not in a pushy way. Fuck, you could fake it and that'd probably keep me satisfied for a little while. Just to see a minimal amount of effort and concern for my well-being would shock me. You only do just enough work to keep me quiet combined with an endless supply of excuses to fill in the blanks. It's not complicated stuff, get a job, clean once in a while, not be a bitch, don't expect me to both not pester you AND be superman at the drop of the hat.
Telling you to go home isn't easy. I've invested so much time, effort, love , whatever the fuck I could do make you happy. I trusted your word over and over. I have no one and nothing here. I'd be throwing away my only friend for complete isolation and nothing but hard times. But at this point I feel so disrespected I don't know why I'd want to keep pushing forward. How many times have we had this conversation? What are you doing now? Sleeping?browsing the internet? If I'm lucky you'll spend 30 minutes looking for a job a day and the rest is leisure time. Some days you do absolutely nothing but create excuses and white lies.
You lie all the fucking time. White lies, excuses and combined with the gossip, everyone but me knows how bad it really is. Even then the gossip, the cheating , the lies like that's not as bad as the tangible shit I have to struggle with every day. You'll lie and create excuses to keep yourself happy. Day after day without hesitation or remorse.
You don't consider what the fuck you're doing to me. If it's either me taking on 25% more stress (you know I've been maxed out for months) or you taking on 5% more stress.....every fucking time you'll leave the stress at my feet.
You have to see the way you treat me. I've brought it all up over and over. And although you deny it you're perfectly ok with this situation. This is not the girl I fell for. Was that all an act? Anyone reading this will think "damn dude what a sucker" they're right. But it wasn't always like this. You used to care about me, you'd be so sweet....like even if you were being a bitch once in a while, you were so sweet and loving that it would make me feel silly for doubting you.
Now. Fuck. What do I do? Step into the cold unknown or continue to live this lie? My hope is pretty much gone. at least in the cold unknown there is a mystery waiting for me. Right here , right now, I know I'll be unappreciated, walked all over and fed just enough love/sex to keep me hooked.
You know what you're doing and you don't care. Who the fuck are you? Who is this person? Was it all an act?
All I ever want was honesty and a friend. I made it so easy. Either I'm not worth it or you're a sociopath.
MarlonX19
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2014
- Messages
- 2
Okay, so this is like one of my first posts here and I want to vent to someone. I was raised in south Brazil by my grandparents and lived my entire life there, it was pretty cool actually. I lived in the countryside so being close to nature was something that I always appreciated. Last year was my senior year in highschool and everything was perfect, I was one of the best students (I always was even though I never did a big effort to be one, for some reason my teacher always liked me and I always got compliments), I have never been on drugs or anything. Anyway, after I graduated from high school I decided that I would move to São Paulo (another state) to live with my mother, grandfather and little sister, I felt like I needed that cause I never lived with my biological mother and it was something that I was curious about, I could never view my biological mother as a ''mother'' (I can't even call her ''mother'', it feels so weird, I've never called her 'mother', unless when I'm speaking English or talking to someone else about her, but personally I just can't seem to be able to call her ''mother'', I always called my grandmother ''mother'')... I moved in February, this year, and it's been very hard for me, I've been living here for almost 8 months and I can't see my mother, stepfather and little sister as a 'family'', you know, it feels like I dont belong here, it feels like I'm not a part of this family... I miss my old life in south a lot. I barely talk to my family here, I'm always so busy with work and school, I spend most of the day out, working and studying. To make it even worse, my grandfather died 2 months after I moved, he had been suffering from a disease which would not allow him to move (I dont know what it is called exactly but he just lost all of his strengh, he could barely walk and eat by himself, it was very sad), I feel soooo bad for not attending his funeral, he died suddenly, I wasn't expecting for that, I assumed he would suffer from that for some more months or maybe even years but no, 2 months later he passed away, I've cried a lot, even though I havent let people know about it, sometimes I hear, see, remember something that reminds me of him and I just can't help but to feel so freaking sad... I wish I could go back in time 1 year ago, my life was so perfect, I was just a senior happy student living with my lovely grandparents (one year ago he was still ok)... but ok, at least nw he no longer suffers!
Well, the thing is that I miss my old life a lot and I havent felt loved or even wanted here, my mother sometimes acts like she doesn't give a shit about me, that hurts me a lot.
My family in south said I can go back to live there if I want but even though I love that place I feel like my 'place' is somewhere else, I hope I can find out where I really belong someday!!! Right now I'm fine but sometimes I feel so damn sad and down. Well, I think that's what I have to vent about.
Well, the thing is that I miss my old life a lot and I havent felt loved or even wanted here, my mother sometimes acts like she doesn't give a shit about me, that hurts me a lot.
My family in south said I can go back to live there if I want but even though I love that place I feel like my 'place' is somewhere else, I hope I can find out where I really belong someday!!! Right now I'm fine but sometimes I feel so damn sad and down. Well, I think that's what I have to vent about.
sorry to hear that
Maya
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2013
- Messages
- 7,310
So customs is still holding a package with my rush orders in it. I have given all the information they need but they are still power tripping making me repeat the same information I gave to our broker. I can't blame some people who hate authorities because they can be fucking dicks!
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Wow, an echo of my thoughts a year ago...
Fuck I am So pissed off this morning!
I wanted to put a couple more songs onto my iPod from my new laptop and all the songs I've downloaded and bought from iTunes for 1.29 a fucking song are all gone thousands of fucking songs all gone! Fuck me why can't iTunes let you add a couple songs onto your iPod without deleting everything first it sucks so fucking bad. I don't know if its because of the new update it insisted it download and install but now I'm out all that money and the time it took me to download and find any other songs. Fuck I hate iTunes never buying an iPod again shit like this happens way too often its the dumbest site for music ever invented. Why the fuck are song's 1.29each!? You would think for that price they would let you keep them but I guess not they probably expect me to buy another 1000 songs off them fucking assholes at apple should be shot.
That's my rant I spent the morning screaming at my computer wanting to Huck the fucking thing so bad now I'm at work trying to calm down but I am just so depressed about this added with everything else I've been going through. People probably think I'm being a biitch because it seems like nothing compared to other problems but With all my stress lately music has been an escape now that's gone why couldn't I just have this one fucking thing and why do I have to pay 1000s for a iTunes library I already bought. I may as well buy a whole bunch of heroin for a 1000 bucks at least I'll get something out of it.
I wanted to put a couple more songs onto my iPod from my new laptop and all the songs I've downloaded and bought from iTunes for 1.29 a fucking song are all gone thousands of fucking songs all gone! Fuck me why can't iTunes let you add a couple songs onto your iPod without deleting everything first it sucks so fucking bad. I don't know if its because of the new update it insisted it download and install but now I'm out all that money and the time it took me to download and find any other songs. Fuck I hate iTunes never buying an iPod again shit like this happens way too often its the dumbest site for music ever invented. Why the fuck are song's 1.29each!? You would think for that price they would let you keep them but I guess not they probably expect me to buy another 1000 songs off them fucking assholes at apple should be shot.
That's my rant I spent the morning screaming at my computer wanting to Huck the fucking thing so bad now I'm at work trying to calm down but I am just so depressed about this added with everything else I've been going through. People probably think I'm being a biitch because it seems like nothing compared to other problems but With all my stress lately music has been an escape now that's gone why couldn't I just have this one fucking thing and why do I have to pay 1000s for a iTunes library I already bought. I may as well buy a whole bunch of heroin for a 1000 bucks at least I'll get something out of it.
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