Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

[Corazon]

Fuck I am So pissed off this morning!
I wanted to put a couple more songs onto my iPod from my new laptop and all the songs I've downloaded and bought from iTunes for 1.29 a fucking song are all gone thousands of fucking songs all gone! Fuck me why can't iTunes let you add a couple songs onto your iPod without deleting everything first it sucks so fucking bad. I don't know if its because of the new update it insisted it download and install but now I'm out all that money and the time it took me to download and find any other songs. Fuck I hate iTunes never buying an iPod again shit like this happens way too often its the dumbest site for music ever invented. Why the fuck are song's 1.29each!? You would think for that price they would let you keep them but I guess not they probably expect me to buy another 1000 songs off them fucking assholes at apple should be shot.

That's my rant I spent the morning screaming at my computer wanting to Huck the fucking thing so bad now I'm at work trying to calm down but I am just so depressed about this added with everything else I've been going through. People probably think I'm being a biitch because it seems like nothing compared to other problems but With all my stress lately music has been an escape now that's gone why couldn't I just have this one fucking thing and why do I have to pay 1000s for a iTunes library I already bought. I may as well buy a whole bunch of heroin for a 1000 bucks at least I'll get something out of it.

That SUCKS Trainspotter. Seriously, try calling customer service and explaining. You may at least get a free coupon or something for itune purchases. (I'm not sure if they have mp3->itune converters either... that's another idea).

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I am fucking drained. I just had a primary care followup for the recent hospital stay, and I lost my composure when my doctor repeatedly cut me off during my description of my stroke symptoms. It wasn't like he was adding something, it was like he wanted me to stop describing my stroke mid-stream... I told him to "shut up and let me finish describing my symptoms". He left the room and came back and then listened. I feel bad that I lacked the self-control and discipline to handle the situation in a cooler manner, but at the same time I feel a bit frustrated and outraged that a doctor would literally cut me short during such an important health issue.
Although I apologized and he appeared to show a greater willingness to listen, it is clearly time to find a new Primary Care doctor as soon as the various prescription(s) are in a stable situation.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Fuck I am So pissed off this morning!
I wanted to put a couple more songs onto my iPod from my new laptop and all the songs I've downloaded and bought from iTunes for 1.29 a fucking song are all gone thousands of fucking songs all gone! Fuck me why can't iTunes let you add a couple songs onto your iPod without deleting everything first it sucks so fucking bad. I don't know if its because of the new update it insisted it download and install but now I'm out all that money and the time it took me to download and find any other songs. Fuck I hate iTunes never buying an iPod again shit like this happens way too often its the dumbest site for music ever invented. Why the fuck are song's 1.29each!? You would think for that price they would let you keep them but I guess not they probably expect me to buy another 1000 songs off them fucking assholes at apple should be shot.

That's my rant I spent the morning screaming at my computer wanting to Huck the fucking thing so bad now I'm at work trying to calm down but I am just so depressed about this added with everything else I've been going through. People probably think I'm being a biitch because it seems like nothing compared to other problems but With all my stress lately music has been an escape now that's gone why couldn't I just have this one fucking thing and why do I have to pay 1000s for a iTunes library I already bought. I may as well buy a whole bunch of heroin for a 1000 bucks at least I'll get something out of it.

You can upload your bought music on any Apple device (as long as you've included your Apple ID n password in settings, under store. Then go to the iTunes" app n click "purchased." It will give u an option of music or videos, Then download whatever you wish to from the list that comes up.

Evey

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Grrr finding it hard not to hold resentments. Generally fucked in the head at the moment, can't see an end to it until my benzo taper is done Can't (or more precisely aren't, for some reason) getting my arse in gear and doing so many of the things I know I need to. Fed up and yet I'm not changing anything which I know I need to and getting angry about the fact I seem unable/unwilling to change these things, no motivation. Don't know where this is heading exactly.....

 

[Xorkoth]

You work out at all? I found it much easier to function in life once I started getting in shape. If not, try doing 20 minutes or more of cardio every day. Also work on your core muscles if nothing else. My entire life started feeling hugely better once I started doing this. It's hard to get the motivation to start but once you get into it, you probably won't ever want to stop.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

My exercise possibilities are pretty curtailed by my shoulder at the moment. Had to get off the bike for a while even because I fucked it so bad last time I fell off one. That said I could have been doing more and it is fixed enough to get on my road bike now. Yes I do exercise though, I can't wait to get a working shoulder again.

I know the stuff I should be doing on the whole, I just can't find it within myself to do it at the moment for some reason and I'm starting to get angry with myself for not doing it. I dunno, maybe I don't know the stuff I should be doing that will enable me to get back to the place of actively doing all the other stuff. I've not been right since my opiate detox really. I'll be ok for a couple of weeks and then I'll lose the plot and want to top myself for a couple of weeks, repeat ad infinitum. The opiates covered it but now I'm just left with weeks and weeks of not quite having enough diazepam which seems to be making things worse.

 

[kace]

I'm a lodger, my landlords bedroom is next door to mine. The poor guy has severe depression and is so down. He broke up with his wife last year and is really struggling to deal with it. I just found out my other housemate phoned an ambulance earlier this evening as of it, they just referred him to the 'crisis team'. He needs proper help and a therapist but he told me he has gotten nowhere finding one for the last 5 years. I understand as I have had the same problems with trying to get professional help. I want to help him so bad. I gave him a long hug the other night as he cried in my arms. I had to ask him to not do anything silly, and to not act on any bad thoughts. He talked about his past failed suicide attempts, and how he knows what to take the right thing. I keep telling him he's not alone, reminding him of all the kind things he has done, assuring him that things will be okay. I'm going to speak to my old care coordinator, who is the loveliest lady I know, who I'm still in contact with, and ask if he can be referred to her.

His ex wife has a restraining order on him, and he cannot speak to her or his 3 kids who are ages 23-27. My boyfriend told me to just ignore it, and leave him alone, but the guy walks around at night sobbing, then leaves his bedroom door wide open and sits in bed looking so upset. He obviously needs any support at the moment, which is why I keep checking on him and making sure he is okay. My old housemate has warned me that he is a "dangerous psycho", and that I should move out as soon as I can. In the past I did witness my landlord screaming and shouting at my housemate inappropiately.

Oh god.. Now my landlord has his bedroom door wide open. I can hear him talking to someone called "Angel".. He's talking to her very slowly, about wanting to make love to her, and her breasts.. Wtf?! She sounds young, foreign, hes trying to talk to her about school.. :/ Wtf.. I don't want to hear this but it's so loud...

 

[T. Calderone]

Kace, I hope your landlord gets the help he needs. I don't get why they even send crisis teams if they don't make sure the person gets some sort of aftercare. And who is this "Angel?"

 

[THCisgod]

Been so depressed lately, I don't really know what to do. Last few years have been rough, crashed a car due to xanax withdrawls seized probably 30 times and then I lost one of my best friends to a drug overdose last year and i had something to do with it (supporting her use even though I was sober off everything but alcohol and xanax) and basically left her in her house for three days afterwards(i was in denial her house was locked when i got back from the store and she was gone) .. later my cousins girlfriend who watched me when i was 12 and has been around sense (im 21 now) died of an overdose as well. heroin and xanax and meth got me through last year (and the years before but i had 4 months sober when my friend died) So anyways I go to detox get out get high and continue to do so for the remainder of the year, about 160 some days ago I was kicked out of my house misreable on heroin meth and 6 mg prescribed xanax a day went to rehab for thirty days and went through the worst withdrawls from xanax I could ever think of so I could live at my house and hopefully clean up my life. So, I got out and started drinking and smoking pot but excepted to do that though i didnt excpect to drink everyday.. one day got drunk smoked meth once, no problem. Did a bit of xanax responsibly, anyways a little over a month ago another one of my best friends got hit by a car and passed away. Iv'e been stupid depressed ever sense and spending all of my money on xanax. Im epileptic and its not very safe for me to take not prescribed and I tend to mix a lot of alcohol black out and do regrettable things. Haven't taken any in three days due to being broke and reality is hitting me hard.. I have nothing left, I feel like all of my friends are living life and doing things and im stuck here by myself all day too depressed to get out of bed most days. I hate bitching like this but I have trouble talking to anyone about my problems even the therapists and psychiatrists iv'e seen. I know I need to just nut up and shut up but I just feel like shit. Still sober off opiates for over 160 days and meth for about 120 so that gives me hope never thought id see the day!

This was really hard for me to post as my anxiety kind of hinders me from posting. If anyone takes the time to read this thank you so much! I know its a block of text and my grammars horrible but i hope someone understands it and maybe takes something from my mistakes.

 

[Greyhounder]

This was really hard for me to post as my anxiety kind of hinders me from posting. If anyone takes the time to read this thank you so much! I know its a block of text and my grammars horrible but i hope someone understands it and maybe takes something from my mistakes.

I hear you and feel for you.
I was going to post because things are not good but somehow they dont seem so bad after reading just this one page of rants and pain, my thoughts to all who feel they might help.
I got knocked on my heals but I am still in the fight, Hell i don't need to rant I just need to go punch someone...

 

[Xorkoth]

THC: You don't need to "nut up and shut up", this forum exists so you can get stuff like this off your chest. Sharing your pain is a very healthy thing; keeping it all locked away inside you eats you alive. Keep posting, it will help you. And no will wish you weren't sharing, that's what we're here for.

 

[lifterpuller]

Here is my rant from what happened yesterday..

I suffer from severe chronic back pain and was having a super bad flare up yesterday, no way I was going to work had to call in.
Took my daily prescribed dose of 20mg of oxycodone and this was just enough to pretty much get out of bed.

Drove myself to the ER hoping to get some relief because this was unbearable... The ER doctor told me "this isn't an emergency stop wasting my time" and told me to leave. I was literally in the worst pain of my life.

I'm not a drug addict I'm just in a lot of pain.

 

[THCisgod]

Thanks guys means a lot! feeling OK today had a temp job ask me to come in and i blew it off but i don't really care cuz there always dicking me around and i didn't fall asleep till 6am yesterday. And greyhounder thanks a ton man and if you feel the need please do post! don't think your feelings are any less important than others. Sometimes the smallest things seem impossible to deal with and everyones going through there own struggle also I think i have a hard time talking about my feelings because everyone around me had it way harder growing up and are doing well now, and I had it pretty good all things considered till i decided to fuck it up for myself at 16 or 17.

Lifter, im so sorry to hear that! some doctors just don't understand maybe find a new one? 20mg a day isn't enough for someone with chronic pain IMO ( though i don't know the severity) id ask for some IR pills to get out of bed tell them your pain is unbearable and you can't wait the hour or whatever for percocet or OP's to kick in unless of course you take 10mg IR's twice a day but that would be silly and not very helpful all day.

 

[Corazon]

someone PLEASE read this and offer sympathy to my pity party


Tues 9/16 - went to local-ER because my spine deformity hurts too much. They ran a bunch of tests and saw I had another stroke! so they sent me to Big Hospital

Thurs (night) 9/18 - discharged from Big Hospital with news that stroke was small and I have 3 major aneurysms. GIVEN 12 5MG oxy pills.

Fri morning 9/19 - scheduled ASAP appt w/ primary care doc for followup (given appt Tues 9/23)

Sun 9/21 went to ER and said "hey my spine deformity still hurts like hell, and the 12 pills from last Thurs 9/18 from BIG-H are used up. GIVEN 12 5MG vicodins

TUES 9.23 (9:45am) - went to primary care doc. appt. Said "hey I need 1.PAIN MEDS( the 12 pills from Sun 9/21=taken), 2.NEED PAIN MGT. CLINIC REFERRAL, 3.NEED CARDIO THORACIC SURGEON REFERRAL(3 aneurysms), 4. NEUROLOGIST REFERRAL(2 strokes last 2 months & frequent mini-strokes)"
He said "hey, OK," I said "thank you Doctor, where should I pick up the Rx for the PAIN MEDS?" "He said 1st we must fax the referral, then sched. an appt, then I will write you an Rx To get you through to the Apt." I said "Thank you doctor"

still TUES 9.23 (10:30am) my Doctor's fax machine was broken.
still TUES 9.23 (4m) Receptionist called me and said "Doctor's fax machine is now fixed and we have faced the referral" I said "hooray!, When can I pick up the pain prescription??" Receptionist said "well... we have to wait for a reply, so it looks like you will need to call back tomorrow" I said "umm I am in pain now and have no more meds" .... Receptionist "Sorry, call back 9am tomorrow".

TODAY WEDNESDAY 9/24 called Doctor office @ 9:00am. receptionist:"Sorry we still haven't received confirmation from xyzPAIN CLINIC" Me: "OK, Thank you, I am in pain and been out of pain meds for since Tuesday, please call ASAP"
I began to worry and did not want to miss the doctor. Spine hurting and stupid aneurysm in my carotid starts hurting too.
called Doctor office @ 11:00am(about as much time as I could give them before approaching lunch)
receptionist "Sorry we still haven't received confirmation from xyzPAIN CLINIC"
Me: "OK, well what time do you guys close today, because I am not doing well, and it's important we get this done today."
Receptionist: "No problem we are open until 5m"
Me: "OK, so Doctor will definitely be there until about 4:30 or so today?"
Recptionist: "Oh Doctor isn't here today"
Me: "Please connect me to the nurse"
20 minutes of hold later..... "Nurse, you have to call back tomorrow, Corazon"
Me: "That is not acceptable, is there another doctor that can write an RX"
Nurse: (adversarial tone) "No you have to come back tomorrow"
Me: "Please understand, this means that I have to go to the ER once again and am in danger of being treated as a pill seeker, I am coming to your office now, and I need some form of written clarifcation so that the ER understands this unusual circumstance"
Nurse (very adversarial tone now) "NO! I am not writing anything of the sort, all I will give you is a print-out of your visit yesterday"

CONCLUSION = Through the grace of a kind advocate who went with me to the Doctors office (half to support, half to keep me from flipping out), and the good fortune of reasonable ER doctors who could distinguish my genuine illness I was able to obtain 12 more pills. Tomorrow I have to talk to the primary doctor again and get things covered and organized until my 1st Pain Clinic Visit.

this can't be life

 

[Xorkoth]

Man that's rough Corazon, I'm sorry. That wasn't cool of the nurse to treat you that way. Clearly someone with as many issues as you're experiencing is going to be in a significant amount of pain. That's what pain meds are for.

 

[Corazon]

Man that's rough Corazon, I'm sorry. That wasn't cool of the nurse to treat you that way. Clearly someone with as many issues as you're experiencing is going to be in a significant amount of pain. That's what pain meds are for.

Thanks Xorkoth.
I have really felt bad lately.
Thanks for reading and replying.

 

[herbavore]

Corazon, that sounds really frustrating. What did they say about the aneurisms? That sounds dangerous!

 

[THCisgod]

Wow Corazon im so sorry! thats terrible.. doc's are cracking down to hard on pain meds.. someone who actually needs them can't get them and i have friends with no real problems with scripts, craziness.. i hope you feel better ASAP

 

[Corazon]

Corazon, that sounds really frustrating. What did they say about the aneurisms? That sounds dangerous!

they want to do a 3rd open-heart surgery

I'm feeling much better today.

POSITIVE no more pity parties, i just had a bad day then. My uncle has surprised me with a nice offer to help me travel to to an expert surgeon who did my surgery in 2004 so that he can examine me and give an opinion. I also have some (5mg) pain pills(at least i feel human again) and should have a pain mgmt appt soon(not sure the reason for delay?, but positivity is the word right now).

Here is my rant from what happened yesterday..

I suffer from severe chronic back pain and was having a super bad flare up yesterday, no way I was going to work had to call in.
Took my daily prescribed dose of 20mg of oxycodone and this was just enough to pretty much get out of bed.

Drove myself to the ER hoping to get some relief because this was unbearable... The ER doctor told me "this isn't an emergency stop wasting my time" and told me to leave. I was literally in the worst pain of my life.

I'm not a drug addict I'm just in a lot of pain.

That sucks. They didn't treat you with dignity.

 

[Maya]

That good Corazon that you feel better. I know you have suffered so long and I hope that everything goes well along your way.

 

[wanting]

OMG, I hate PAWS. Two days ago, I woke up feeling great for the first time in ages. Some fatigue later in the day, but mostly a really, really good day. Today, I'm back to unfocused, depressed, and wiped out. I keep thinking to myself "I wish there was something I could take to make myself feel better." And then I remember that that's what got me in this situation to begin with.

Oh, and my dog just became incontinent. So when I'm feeling like crap, I still have to clean urine puddles. And she's a BIG dog. Working with the vet to figure out why this is happening, but it's a slow process. Oh, and my dog is only 1 year old.

That's my rant for the day. Thank you for listening.