Thanks T. I am feeling a lot better.
My brain feels like a pendulum. On Adderall and then vyvanse I eventually became very depressed. Once I was sober and doing the right things (working out, eating right, taking care of my shit) my brain eventually over compensated, placing me in an almost manic state. Unfortunately pendulums are dynamic in nature and it felt like my brain chemistry briefly went back too far in the other direction, and I had a couple of bad days last week. Hopefully this all settles down soon and I will ride the wbit aaves on an even keel.
Honestly though good days don't just happen. Exercise helps and putting intense and intelligent effort into my work also makes a big difference irt how I feel about myself. ....but the writing is on the wall and soon even this won't be enough and eventually I'll have to face the issues that fueled my addictions for so long....oui.
One day at a time.
My story is a little different but thought I would share. I was around sixteen when i started messing asaround with drugs but i wont share the whole story because it take up to much space.
By the time I was twenty two I had went through withdrawal a couple times not even knowing that was what was going, figured it out later. By twenty five I was messed with most man-made drugs and natural ones, cocaine ( favorite ) , acid, shroms , etc and pills knowned. My dad, Grandma, aunt, 2 uncle's and 1 cousin were my easy source not to mention numerous friends. Will with all that said I will let you know I have 3 brother's , 1 sister, and my mom that never messed with anything. My parents stilled married after 38 years and siblings do real good for their self. 10 years ago my brothers son died at 3 months old , terrible time and don't know how my brother over came that.
Okay this were things start really getting messed up. My cousin (the one mentioned above) who I didnt know going up moved back to where I lived. He was here about six years which he lived with me or my family the entire time because my uncle His dad is a ritzy piece of crap. So the only reason my cousin left was because he decided he had enough of this life and put a bullet in his head. So another terrible time for my family.
So now I'm a full blown pill head and really don't know what is to come. Skipping through little things because I always felt I was blessed not having to deal more deaths than this at almost thirty. This is where things get really wierd.
My grandma and aunt move decide to move back to tenn after living here for 30 plus years. What we did not know was that favorite aunt with her sister ( my aunt ) being close second was shooting up morphine at a alarming rate. We recieved a phone call from cousin that my grandma found my aunt not breathing. So she had passed away. Another terrible time. My dad favored her because she was his youngest sister and he had drove 20 hours round trip to rescue her froma abusive relationship years before. This crushed my dad
So my dad picked up a drinking habit which turned into a 1 and 1/2 gallon of vodka every day and a half. Nobody knew about this for a year or so. Let me add my grandpa died that winter which was unexpected but he was 82. Still another terrible time. So back to my dadand his drinking pproblem. I'm fishing one night with my three kids, which I have not mentioned and my dad. We are getting ready to leave and I notice my dad is sitting in the truck already and not helping me packa thing up which is not normal. So I get in my truck and I smell alcohol which is not normal so I think its my smell is off until he starts arguing about a fish I had caught. I then realized he had been drinking which was not normal. So everything started to make sense but my dad did not drink my entire life going up until now so I was floored. So I don't say much and just hope it was a one time thing. I receive a phone call one night from my mom at about two in the morning that my dad is out of control. I go over to my parents to find my dad is out of control and hammered drunk. He starts talking to me and I can't understand much but something about why did his sister have die. I start to try to calm him done and nothing is working and the next thing I know he lounges at my mom and before he gets to her I tackle him and we wrestle around until get backwards over a couch and hold him there. Let me mention I was recovery from a herniated disc and degenerative disc from a couple months earlier and still on workman's comp. This had happened while I was working in a maximum security prison. Will explain later. So I have my dad done and don't know what to do so my mom calls my brother who is a police officer. He gets there and dicides we have to him admitted to the hospital for threatening suicide. To fight my dad and have him forcefully admitted was by far the hardest thing I had ever done. But knew it was the best. So when got released we had family intervention with no real luck because he couldn't go a hour without drinking without suffering severe withdrawal. I would have never guessed his problem was that bad. So month later were at the same spot on Thanksgiving and we finally talk him into checking into rehab. He completed 7days of detox which they described him to be one of worst they seen in a while. So seven days behind us and he's home to get a phone call that his brother my close uncle was found dead. What the heck and how is he supposed to handle this. Unreal but he keeps his sobriety from alcohol with god watching over. (His brother overdosed) let me remind you his sister was 40 and his brother was 43 or 44.
So about 2 months go by and my grandma died at 81 to be with my grandpa.
So back to the story we get a phone call from my grandpa in Tenn that my aunt died at 48 and that would be my dads last sibling. She died at my grandpas in his arms. What that heck she died of cancer but why I do not know and so she went to be with her husband that had died after my first aunt 2 years before. Craziness.
Still wondering how my dad was going to handled it but he made it. So about 2 months go by and get a phone call that my grandma in tenn the only on i have left is not doing well. So we head to Tenn and she dies a couple days later at 76. So that's the worst of it but it started with my nephew 10 years ago. Since then my cousin around 5 years ago and then all the craziness.
My dads sister one and a half years later his only brother, just months later his last sister and then a few months later his mom. So that leaves him with his dad which he left when he was sixteen due to the beatings him and my grandma taking from my grandpa. When I say beatings I mean thrown out the car doing fifty, chairs broken over them, shot at with a 30/30, even poisonous snakes put in the car with them. So my grandma poisoned my grandpa until he was parilized and then her and the kids went north. My grandpa was in the hospital for almost six months.
My dad is close with his dad now and so are we. Let say I never saw that side of my grandpa but is true.
So my dad is still sober from alcohol to this day. My dad has to be the greatest there is even though the night I will never forget.
So I start going to suboxone doctor about fours ago and after a couple years I go to work for a prison. I have had a job since I was 14 and never lostva job because of drug addiction. When I was out I would tough it out and go to work. I'm talking about construction work until the prison. So I'm a work one morning and out of nowhere my back pops and I can't walk. A ambulance took me to the hospital. I had tell everyone at the hospital that was on suboxone so they wouldn't overdose me. Embarrassing to say the least. When you tell someone that and your dressed in officers clothing they look at you funny. So my wife of sixteen years is in nursing school at this time. We met she was sixteen and I was seventeen and have been together ever since. So I go on workman's comp for a year and a half. Without any pay for nine of those months even though i jumped through every hoop they had. I wanted the surgery but they keep fighting it was PR existing and I couldn't take a chance in court with my with wife almost done with school. So i took a settlement and a 5 lb weight restriction for the rest of my life. We managed to get my wife out of school without losing our house which is now payed off and vehicles.
I will have to finish later
You not believe I had rest of the story done and walked for 30 minutes thanking whether I wanted let that much out and the whole thing reset. Man what a night and morning.
So I won't finish the story yet but I wanted say something to you.
Last night I read from start to finish your thread again to understand your situation a little better. So you know I'm not trying to highjack your thread or trump your story in anyway but I feel like my story may interest you. I'm amazed by how you handled your brothers death and what you had to do after the fact. That is not normal and i would say your a hell of lot stronger then you give yourself credit fir and one day your kids will realize how great you are. When there youngits hardto understand and I know from experience. I would recommend seeking professional help on top of all the good advice you have received on here. As I said that is not normal and you could compare it PTSD. Keep you head high and know this for your kids and you. Baby steps not giant leaps.
