MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[Dawglaw]

PMZ - you have the correct attitude for a complete recovery. Having your life turned upside down via a LTC can cause so much emotional and mental stress that a huge part of the recovery is learning how to accept cope then move on.

I'm pulling for you and I'm confident things are only going to get better.

 

[PJ2]

i thought SSRIs(Paxil) would be harmful in the situation of long term comedown?

I don't know what you mean by "harmful." It's not literally going to hurt you, but it did make me feel sicker initially and some of my symptoms got worse before they have seemingly gotten better recently. That's part of the reason why I've been posting these updates from when I started taking Paxil. To inform.

This has been my 3rd straight day of virtually no symptoms and feeling much better. I feel like I could get through a real work day now for the first time in 6 months. The first few weeks on Paxil were rough though because it did make me sicker before I got better. I was in bed for over 2 weeks (not continuously, but a lot), but I was able to sleep a lot too, which I haven't been real good at since the whole LTC started. To be continued....

 

[PJ2]

My personal opinion is that we have all suffered some changes to our seratonin levels and mechanisms. Whether you want to call it "brain damage" or not or whether you think it's all stress related really doesn't matter. By the way, it can be stress related and still be "brain damage" as the main cause, but I digress. Anyway, recovery is the important part. Do you really care if you broke your leg or fractured your leg as long as you will heal and be able to walk again? It's the same thing basically.

So, if an SSRI is able to help increase your seratonin levels and help stabilize your symptoms while you are recovering, I don't see how it can be harmful. I have gone on record as saying I've taken Paxil in the past and I certainly have never gotten sick like I did this time on it at least initially. So, something has certainly changed mechanically/chemically in my head. That's just a fact. I'm ok with it and I think within the next 6 months or so I'll be near or at fully recovered. That just seems to be the time frame for most. It's just like the rest of life, what a long strange trip it's been!!!

You just got to ride it out!

 

[Deltronpedro]

Thanks for your answer. I just thought, the process of making things worse with SSRIs would be long term, too. Keep us up to date and i wish you the best, maybe thats a solution for our "little" problem. Would be nice

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

i thought SSRIs(Paxil) would be harmful in the situation of long term comedown?

I don't think there's one unanimous opinion about this. A few people in this thread has done it with good results. I don't think it's smart to start it right away though. I don't know enough about the mechanism and neurology to explain it, but I think the energy demand on neurons is higher while on a SSRI and that isn't supposed to be good right after neurotoxicity has occurred.

I think you should at least try to wait out the "acute" phase before starting a SSRI. (Like both rphilli72 and Coderbrah did)

 

[PJ2]

I don't think there's one unanimous opinion about this. A few people in this thread has done it with good results. I don't think it's smart to start it right away though. I don't know enough about the mechanism and neurology to explain it, but I think the energy demand on neurons is higher while on a SSRI and that isn't supposed to be good right after neurotoxicity has occurred.

I think you should at least try to wait out the "acute" phase before starting a SSRI. (Like both rphilli72 and Coderbrah did)

That's a very good point. I don't think it's a good idea to take it during the "acute" phase - hey, you stealing my terminology...lol? It certainly made me sicker and I can't imagine being sicker than I already was the first couple of months. I would suggest waiting until the symptoms have settled down. Maybe 3/4 months. I waited 5 to be sure.

And, no, there shouldn't be any long term harm. Some people have severe withdrawals from SSRI's when they go to stop. Perhaps that is what you are thinking about? Just don't stop cold turkey. Besides, that is a problem for most people not just us LTC'ers.

 

[thejibberman]

I don't think anyone ever answered, did anyones eye floaters ever completely disappear?

 

[Deltronpedro]

And, no, there shouldn't be any long term harm. Some people have severe withdrawals from SSRI's when they go to stop. Perhaps that is what you are thinking about? Just don't stop cold turkey. Besides, that is a problem for most people not just us LTC'ers.

I heard about SSRI hindering the recovery process as against tricyclics which just mask the recovery process. Maybe that is complete bullshit, thats why Im asking Maybe you red my post in my own LTC Thread: I m going to try Valdoxan, to gain some healthy sleep again, which i think is very important at this point. Do you think i should wait some weeks starting it - you mentioned you would not take SSRIs(I know it is none) in the "acute phase"? Im at week eight now

 

[PJ2]

My only point about taking it in the beginning was I was already very sick and didn't want to risk getting sicker. Starting an SSRI did make me sicker for a couple of weeks. I'm now on about my 5th straight day where I almost feel 100%. Plus, I wanted some months to go by where I was just healing naturally. At 2 months, you are at or near the end of the initial acute phase I'd imagine. Every week and month after this and you should gradually feel better with or without the drugs. I just should probably be on Paxil to begin with as depression problems run in my family and, like I said, I've taken it before.

Day 25 on Paxil.

Symptoms of sickness or side effects have completely faded and I've felt the best I've felt in 6 months. Really, the last few days I've forgotten I have been going through this LTC. That is how good I have felt.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Well..I will keep you up to date if Im doing better with this stuff given that i start this drug.
I wish you good luck rphili. keept it going

 

[imatowel]

I wanted to report back in just to inform everybody, maybe if we report back in more we will have a better understanding of what we are experiencing.

Now a year ago I used E 2 days in a row, first day I had a 220mg pill, next day I took a half so it was about 110mg. The first pill I took it was like never before, it felt as if I was strapped to a rocket and shot to the moon, eye jitters, empathy, the whole shebang, I was unable to read my cellphone that day. On the second day I didn't feel anything at all, I guess all the serotonin was completely depleted and had no effect on me anymore what so ever.

Then my LTC started after 4 days, I didn't rest well and didn't really listen to my body and I didn't eat especially well. The first week after my use then I had a tingling sensation in my head and had nausea. After a week I started to have extreme head pressure to the extent that I couldn't work properly anymore, I couldn't concentrate well and the only thing that helped was sleep a lot. Maybe after a half year I was able to concentrate/think better. After a days work I was totally worn out because I had lots of difficulties to concentrate, but that got better day by day. After 9 months in my LTC everything was absolutely gone, I was my old self again.

I want to state that I'm not a heavy drug user at all, I don't smoke weed, I'm not an excessive drinker and I have no DP/DR issues. I only do tested pills and I did that once a year, not more. Sometimes I read posts about people having mental issues beforehand or still use other drugs or mixed mdma with other drugs and had maybe a different kind of LTC.

During my LTC I read a lot about what it could be and there are so many possibilities what can cause this. First I thought it was just inflammation and hormone regulation that was causing this. After that I started reading about bruxism while on mdma and that mdma has lots of influence on the trigeminal nerve which causes the bruxism. I found one pubmed article which said that trigeminal neuralgia like symptoms could be due to buccal nerve compression in the temporalis muscle. But when I woke up it was always a lot better and the symptoms got worse throughout the day, that made me doubt that theory. After that I thought that it might have been neurotoxicity, after reading about it on erowid I now believe that that is most likely what had occurred to me.

After lots of doubting and reading, I had everything planned on doing it again, it was probably stupid and risky but I wanted to test it on myself. Rationally, I cannot explain why I wanted to do it again, I just wanted to know and have more insight in what I experienced. I ordered the most important supplements that are documented on rollsafe.org and planned on taking some prior/two/four hours in the roll as advised there.

The pill I had was the gold bar which contain just 200mg and I took a half last Saturday. The feeling was nice, it didn't hit me as hard as last year but it was still very good. I also took magnesium which prevents jaw clenching and I tried to watch myself that my jaw didn't went into a tight clench and it didn't, I don't know if that was because of the dose or because of the magnesium. Now the fourth day, I've felt really good the last couple of days and I feel very well today. The symptoms didn't come back and I feel as great as before. I don't want to advise anyone on doing it again, maybe your LTC condition is different than mine, I also waited for when it was completely gone. I'm just so happy that I can enjoy it again from time to time.

 

[ro4eva]

I don't think anyone ever answered, did anyones eye floaters ever completely disappear?

Mine have all but disappeared. Very very rarely do I experience it now.

Day 25 on Paxil.

Symptoms of sickness or side effects have completely faded and I've felt the best I've felt in 6 months. Really, the last few days I've forgotten I have been going through this LTC. That is how good I have felt.

That's wonderful news!

Glad you're felling better, have a good one

 

[pmz]

It does get a little frustration though sometimes. I get days I'm feeling great and some days like today, I'm kinda feeling a bit spacy again and a lesser mood. It seems to play a lot with how much sleep I get. I haven't been sleeping well lately for unrelated reasons.

Still feel like I have trouble processing things as fast. Like my mind has a constant fog to it still

And still feel as if my excitement isn't what it used to be. I guess he whole thing has still worn me out. As well as feeling It's hard to get as excited as I used to knowing there is this thing still in my reality.

Vision is still weird. I still have static in my vision. This is the most distracting part sometimes.

And music still doesn't flow in me the way it used to.

I have way better energy than I used to though, I'm not depressed at all still, I have control of my thoughts and can focus.

I still believe this won't last all that much longer. But I'm curious for those who took a year plus to recover, when did you start to feel the brain fog and mental focus came back to normal? As well as the mood. I don't really care about the derealization. I'm looking forward to that day I can think like I used to and be as easy going as I used to. There is this hesitation in my life that's frustrating me.

Over all still good progress

 

[PJ2]

Day 27 on Paxil side effects still gone. Feel great.

This might be my last update for a while unless something changes worth mentioning. I don't know if I am in the clear for good or not. I've had good "windows" before and symptoms returned. So, we'll see although I've never had a "window" this long before. It's been 6 months and 1 week to the day.

I'll just add that yesterday I got my sleep apnea machine and went to the instructional class. I was able to use it last night for the first time and slept for almost 4 hours with it on before I took the mask off at some point in the night. That is actually very good for the first time. Wow, this is what sleeping for real is like??? I can only imagine my recovery getting better from here as I am now able to get real restorative sleep!!!

Who knows, the sleep apnea and depression issues may have played a part in the LTC to begin with. Like I've repeatedly said, the reason for the LTC is irrelevant as long as you recover.

I wish everyone the best and will certainly check back in from time to time!

If you are going through hell, keep going!!!

 

[coderbrah]

Nice phil! Happy for you.

I'm on day 19 of 15mg Lexapro now. Unfortunately I have had to deal with benzo withdrawal for the past week (after sporadic usage of Klonopin for 3 weeks, go figure) however that seems to be dying down now. As far as the Lexapro goes my libido definitely took a hit, which I don't really mind as it was uncomfortably high the past 6 months. I also notice my brain fog is beginning to diminish a bit and I feel a bit more able to deal with setbacks (I'm not so emotionally vulnerable anymore). Also my nightmares seem to have dissapeared and my dream content has been somewhat normal.

I'm going to take the jump to the therapeutic dosage of 20mg next week and also starting my very first real psychotherapy session. Fingers crossed!

 

[thejibberman]

DR and DP have been gone for about a month now. The only thing messing me around a bit is my vision (sensitivity to light, eye floaters, after images), seems to come in waves of intensity then nothing at all. However, I suppose it's getting better as it's not a consistent thing anymore.

 

[spor_88]

A quick update on my recovery (which is on page 37 for anyone that can be bothered to read the mammoth mass of text).

It's been around 2 months since the last time I rolled, and things are improving greatly.

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my girlfriend, from London to Paris and then finishing up in Amsterdam. I think being away, and having lots of external stimulus for my mind to focus on, helped me to forget about my symptoms.

My HPPD is still present, although it's nowhere near as prevalent as it was before, and its only really noticeable when I look for it, when I've been drinking or when I smoked some joints in Amsterdam (Although I suspect this might just be the normal effects of grass, and I'm just noticing the vividness of colours more).

The brain fog has lifted a lot, and I'm actually able to properly construct sentences in my head, which, in turn, has removed a great deal of worry and the "OMGZ I'VE MASHED MY BRAINZZZ!11!!" thoughts.

I smoked 40mg of DMT before my holiday and ever since then my anxiety has disappeared. I'm a lot more chatty and feel more like my old self again. I obviously do NOT recommend that people try this as I think it could have just as easily have went the other way. I don't know exactly how DMT effects the brain, especially a recovering one. Maybe someone here that's more knowledgeable about neuro-chemistry could shed some light on why this is/isn't a good idea? All I know is that it worked for me.

Bowel problems are still present, although there is slight improvements here also. I only shit 4 times a day now haha .

I've still been doing psychedelics and drinking on a weekly basis during my recovery and am still using caffiene. I'm going on a 5 week inter-rail trip in 6 days time. Starting off in Amsterdam (for the 4th time this year :D) I'll smoke weed and take mushrooms while there, then I guess there will be a fair amount of alcohol consumed during the rest of the trip, and probably lots of caffiene too. I'm hoping my symptoms will have improved even more by then. After the trip I'm having a month+ break from all substances to let my body properly heal itself and finally kick my caffeine habit.

I wish everyone else all the best with their LTCs. I try not to read too much on here, because, as a hypochondriac, I don't want to pick up any more symptoms. I just wanted to give anyone out there struggling with this condition one more hopeful recovery story. Writing down each step of my progress also helps to cement it in my brain that I am actually getting better. See you guys in 6 weeks

 

[PJ2]

A quick update on my recovery (which is on page 37 for anyone that can be bothered to read the mammoth mass of text).

It's been around 2 months since the last time I rolled, and things are improving greatly.

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my girlfriend, from London to Paris and then finishing up in Amsterdam. I think being away, and having lots of external stimulus for my mind to focus on, helped me to forget about my symptoms.

My HPPD is still present, although it's nowhere near as prevalent as it was before, and its only really noticeable when I look for it, when I've been drinking or when I smoked some joints in Amsterdam (Although I suspect this might just be the normal effects of grass, and I'm just noticing the vividness of colours more).

The brain fog has lifted a lot, and I'm actually able to properly construct sentences in my head, which, in turn, has removed a great deal of worry and the "OMGZ I'VE MASHED MY BRAINZZZ!11!!" thoughts.

I smoked 40mg of DMT before my holiday and ever since then my anxiety has disappeared. I'm a lot more chatty and feel more like my old self again. I obviously do NOT recommend that people try this as I think it could have just as easily have went the other way. I don't know exactly how DMT effects the brain, especially a recovering one. Maybe someone here that's more knowledgeable about neuro-chemistry could shed some light on why this is/isn't a good idea? All I know is that it worked for me.

Bowel problems are still present, although there is slight improvements here also. I only shit 4 times a day now haha .

I've still been doing psychedelics and drinking on a weekly basis during my recovery and am still using caffiene. I'm going on a 5 week inter-rail trip in 6 days time. Starting off in Amsterdam (for the 4th time this year :D) I'll smoke weed and take mushrooms while there, then I guess there will be a fair amount of alcohol consumed during the rest of the trip, and probably lots of caffiene too. I'm hoping my symptoms will have improved even more by then. After the trip I'm having a month+ break from all substances to let my body properly heal itself and finally kick my caffeine habit.

I wish everyone else all the best with their LTCs. I try not to read too much on here, because, as a hypochondriac, I don't want to pick up any more symptoms. I just wanted to give anyone out there struggling with this condition one more hopeful recovery story. Writing down each step of my progress also helps to cement it in my brain that I am actually getting better. See you guys in 6 weeks

Dude, you can't be that sick if you are still taking all those drugs. No way someone on a real LTC could pull that off without being hospitalized.

 

[PJ2]

Nice phil! Happy for you.

I'm on day 19 of 15mg Lexapro now. Unfortunately I have had to deal with benzo withdrawal for the past week (after sporadic usage of Klonopin for 3 weeks, go figure) however that seems to be dying down now. As far as the Lexapro goes my libido definitely took a hit, which I don't really mind as it was uncomfortably high the past 6 months. I also notice my brain fog is beginning to diminish a bit and I feel a bit more able to deal with setbacks (I'm not so emotionally vulnerable anymore). Also my nightmares seem to have dissapeared and my dream content has been somewhat normal.

I'm going to take the jump to the therapeutic dosage of 20mg next week and also starting my very first real psychotherapy session. Fingers crossed!

Awesome. You seem to be getting better like me. I think we are around the same time frame as far as recovery is concerned. 6 months does seem to be a benchmark for quite a few people going through this. I'll say that Paxil after initially making me sicker has cleared my head and helped me get on a better sleeping pattern. My insomnia is no where near as bad as it was. Any remaining symptoms I still have are extremely minor at this point. I can't believe I haven't had a headache in about a week considering I've pretty much had a constant one for most of the past 6 months.

 

[spor_88]

Dude, you can't be that sick if you are still taking all those drugs. No way someone on a real LTC could pull that off without being hospitalized.

Thanks for your belittling comment, that's exactly what this thread needs.

Read my original post (page 37). I think I've done enough ecstasy and mephedrone that it's possible that I've done damage to my serotonin system and therefor my condition constitutes as a "real" LTC. The HPPD, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and depersonalization symptoms were very real. I think this is a complex issue and every person reacts differently, so think before you post your depreciating opinion.

Why would taking mushrooms on a LTC hospitalize me. I can understand why you would think it would be a bad idea, or that it could possibly have adverse psychological reactions (which it didn't), but why would one of the safer psychoactive substances hospitalize me just because my serotonin system is in repair mode? Psychedelics bind to serotonin rather than deplete your supplies (like MDMA), in my layman understanding of their effects on the brain.

I understand that I should be letting my body rest at this time. I am keeping very active, meditating for 20 minutes daily and eating right. I am only drinking alcohol because I'm going on a once in a lifetime trip around Europe. I don't see how my behaviour would hospitalize me... It is probably delaying my recovery, but that's my choice. If i didn't stop taking pills 2 months ago, I would probably still be doing it now and leading the same lifestyle... I don't think I would have been hospitalized. My symptoms would have gotten worse, sure, but putting myself in hospital seems a bit extreme.

Thanks for the support, man.