• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

I'm done

I cant do this. The depression is KILLING me. I cant drag it out like this, going down 1 mg a week, feeling miserable.. Thats TWENTY weeks. I cant feel like this that long, ill end up doing dope or something. Im thinking of telling my counselor tmrw i want to go down 2 mg a day. Thatll get me off it in ten days, i know i will feel bad but then i can start to heal and get better instead of dragging it out like this. Ive never felt depression/anxiety like this before... Its crazy.

I just want to get it over with. I cant go through 20 more weeks of this, i cant.
 
Just read your whole story and i have to say you are doing great and just remember the negative emotions are a part of life too and we have to embrace them just as we do the positives.one thing i would like to add although you said u react differently to drugs and it made u spacey and loopy..the gabapentin was a GODSEND when i got off an oxycodone habit of a few years even tho i still indulge on occasion.it literally killed my anxiety and depression better then anything ever has on my selfmedicating rollercoaster poly drug addiction. Even a small dose of 3 or 400mg would take the edge off and put me in a good mood even tho ppl on here say take 1000mg+.Also i hate to say it but the negative emotions will still be there when u are sober to but easier to control acting on them and tuned down a little but i had a hard time with this but i realised im just a depressed person all around and had learn ways to deal with it sober

this so called feeling of never using opiates again that u speak of i truly hope i aquire that some da you have truckloads more will power then i have and are a lot more clearheaded than other people ive talked to thats been doin dope since 95..for what its worth im so proud of you and if your appearance on the outside is 1% as beautiful as u have showed u have on the inside that pig is lucky to have you.he is blessed he has someone with the strength and character that u have%)
 
Last edited:
BlueSaffron said:
I don't want to do dope anymore. I'd been getting tired of it for a while, but the other night, I went to see this guy I've been seeing, who I'm pretty crazy about. Because of timing and dealers who don't like to call back, ect ect, I couldn't cop til after I met him, so I ended up going to see him starting to get dopesick.

It was probably one of our better dates. :) I could feel everything. Nerves not dulled by opiates, his skin felt amazing against mine, he kept making me laugh (I notice I don't laugh much on dope), and it's just - it felt so good being able to FEEL. I want that again. I don't want to go see him high again, or even well.

The thing is, this run has lasted about six months, and I've been doing a half gram a day or a bit more depending on quality, so I'm trying to decide how to get off. Cold turkey isn't an option for reasons I can't get into. It's either methadone or tapering off H slowly.

Has anyone else ever tapered off H successfully? I was thinking of just doing enough to be barely well everyday, and slowly cutting down the amount.

I just want off it though. I've never felt so sure about quitting opiates in my life. In the past it was always "I know I gotta quit" but a big part of me didn'[t want to. This time I'm just done. I want off it. I want to live my life feeling things, not numbed out.
Click to expand...

I believe you would have great success with Methadone. It will work for you and if this moment is gifted to you. No reason to choose a better timing to start.
Good luck!!
 
P.o.T.u.S said:
and if your appearance on the outside is 1% as beautiful as u have showed u have on the inside that pig is lucky to have you.he is blessed he has someone with the strength and character that u have%)
Click to expand...

this made me say "aww" and giggle at the same time, lol. Thanks :) I don't know, I"m being stubborn about the gabapentin. Maybe I should take it. It wasn't bad, it did improve my mood, just with an added spacey/loopy feeling. But part of me just doesn't want to do it. I've been on drugs for so long... I just want to be off everything and learn how to be happy that way. Not that I see anything wrong with taking gabapentin or any other comfort med. Whatever helps people lead healthier lives I'm all for it. I've just been on drugs for a long time, and I don't want to do anymore I think.

thanks Erikmen :)

I had a bit of a reality check yesterday. My roommate/ex, who I was with for a long time - his sister has brain cancer. She had a recurrence recently and it went into her eye, and a few days ago she had brain surgery and they removed her left eye. We went to visit her yesterday. He has four sisters, and S, the one who got cancer, has always been the nicest to me. She has an amazingly positive attitude, even now. While we were there she took a little walk up the hospital hall and back, and then she got tired out and wanted to sleep. Seeing her there with staples in her head from the surgery and her eye sewn shut, so tired that a little walk makes her want to sleep... it just made me realize how lucky I am. We (me, ex and the rest of his family) visited her til she got tired and then we went to his other sister's house and then we went out to dinner. It was loud in the restuarant and I was getting antsy and just wanted to go home, and then I suddenly thought of S, back in the hospital, alone now that we'd all left...

It just made me think about how those of us who are healthy sooo take it for granted. So much so that we sit there and inject street substances into our veins, assuming that because it was ok all the other times it'll probably be ok this time too... you never know, this time could be the time it's contaminated and you get an infection that gets serious and you end up in the hospital, and it's YOU thats there alone when everyone else goes home. It's you that loses an arm, or a leg and now instead of worrying about copping you're worrying about how you're going to put on your clothes or take a shower by yourself.


I don't live in a war-torn country. My health isn't perfect but I am mostly healthy and I can do anything anyone else can do except lift heavy things. I am alive and healthy. I need to remember that.
 
wait, so you found 5 vicodin and you DIDN"T do them? woah... to me that was a gift from the universe saying "here ya go , you've been doing awesome, take these as you wish to" ..... but I'm weird like that... I believe sometimes we get a little something right at the moment we need it; although some would say that the universe is testing your resolve to your own commitment to yourself ; to quit forever...

awesome!
 
Haha, nope, didn't do them... yet :) When I first found them I was excited but after a few hours the feeling of wanting to do them went away. I'm hanging onto them, and I might do one, but I have no plans to right now. I have too much going on, and I need to be able to think clearly.
 
I think you will make it. I would never dispense Vicodin. It shows commitment all the way.
Congratulations!
 
Thanks Erikmen... I caved though. I took a half one earlier and a half a little while ago. It's nice to feel the anxiety lift and not feel all tired and achy... and I admit to a degree I'm enjoying it. But at the same time, I feel kind of... drugged (gee I wonder why). I've been doing so good, I don't want to ruin it, so I don't think I'll be doing it again. It's not THAT great, honestly. Nice, nothing more. Not worth fucking up my taper for. The best part is, like I said, that gnawing sense of worry thats been with me so much since I quit, is nowhere to be found. But I can't sustain a pill habit anymore than I can sustain an H habit, especially not now, so... tomorrow it's back to tapering.

In my defense, while there's no good reasons to use, I'm going through some effed up stuff right now. I don't want to get into it here, but its seriously stressful. Not talking trouble at work, stressed about exams stuff (not that thats not valid), I'm talking serious stuff. I just needed a break.
 
I read the first page that was from a few months ago and then i skipped to the last page and i see your still struggling with tapering. Im not gonna tell you what to do at all but ill just say what has worked for me. I find that cold turkey is the way to go even if you have a severe addiction which doesnt seem like you were too bad this run. Six months right?

You feel like hell for a few days but its not that constant "taste" of it everyday which i think is where the cravings become severe. You should read your first post again and listen to how raw you were. It was someone who seems like they want to quit this shit and have gotten past the "ya i know i need to quit but....". You really sounded like you had enough and wanted to get past this ball and chain in your life.

Ive been on heroin and i had to come off of a 30 a day norco habit and both i did cold turkey. THe heroin was nothing compared to those damn norco. But i felt like shit really bad but when i got to that other side i didnt have that ball and chain anymore and a sense of freedom came over me. I could really live a life now instead of the drugs telling me what i was going to do for the day.

I really think that cold turkey is shunned alot more then it should be cause once you go thru that hell and get done with it, youve accomplished something and your completely free of anything connected to it. Opiates to arent as bad as some of the other shit too. I really didnt get cravings either. I didnt want to go thru that again. Good luck to whatever you do
 
legalizeall said:
I read the first page that was from a few months ago and then i skipped to the last page and i see your still struggling with tapering. Im not gonna tell you what to do at all but ill just say what has worked for me. I find that cold turkey is the way to go even if you have a severe addiction which doesnt seem like you were too bad this run. Six months right?

You feel like hell for a few days but its not that constant "taste" of it everyday which i think is where the cravings become severe. You should read your first post again and listen to how raw you were. It was someone who seems like they want to quit this shit and have gotten past the "ya i know i need to quit but....". You really sounded like you had enough and wanted to get past this ball and chain in your life.

Ive been on heroin and i had to come off of a 30 a day norco habit and both i did cold turkey. THe heroin was nothing compared to those damn norco. But i felt like shit really bad but when i got to that other side i didnt have that ball and chain anymore and a sense of freedom came over me. I could really live a life now instead of the drugs telling me what i was going to do for the day.

I really think that cold turkey is shunned alot more then it should be cause once you go thru that hell and get done with it, youve accomplished something and your completely free of anything connected to it. Opiates to arent as bad as some of the other shit too. I really didnt get cravings either. I didnt want to go thru that again. Good luck to whatever you do
Click to expand...



I'm doing ok. I post in this thread a lot when I'm down or stressed or anxious. I do feel good sometimes, I just don't post here when I do, lol. It's not easy, but I'm doing it. Todays slipup is the first time in a while. I'm speeding up my taper - I told my counselor yesterday I want to go down 2 every 4 days, so today I dropped to 18 from 20. In four days it'll be 16 ect. I'll probably jump off at 6 or 4, so I only have a few more weeks left. I can do it.

I know what you're saying though - I look forward everyday to that little tiny, barely noticeable good feeling I get for about an hour after my dose kicks in. I barely felt it today with the 2 mg drop, I'm sure I'll feel it even less tomorrow. its worse when it goes away - I notice once it wears off a couple hours later is when my anxiety and depression get really bad. Then by 6 at night or so something seems to kick in and I feel better.

Just dosed another half a vicodin. I dont want to keep doing it everyday, so might as well get most of it done tonight, right? Right. Junkie logic, lol.

Looking at the bright side, even though sometimes I feel like my body is making no progress getting back to normal, that's obviously not true, if 5 or 7.5 mg of hydrocodone get me feeling good. While I was doing dope I would've laughed at vicodin - I wouldn't even have bothered doing it, cos I'd need like 6 5 mgs CWE'd to even start to touch my dopesickness. Now I feel one pill. My brain chemistry is obviously normalizing. Just need to stick with it.

eta: I don't ever want this to be me. There is too much I want to do. It's just not worth the risk anymore.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/23/world/europe/uk-peaches-geldof-inquest/index.html?hpt=hp_inthenews
 
Last edited:
I think that is true when 5 mg gets you feeling good, you definitely are making progress. My opinion is you're almost back to baseline, you're closer than you think. Sad about Peaches isn't it. I got a call yesterday another one of my friends at the shelter overdosed after returning from rehab. I'm starting to think I know more deceased people than alive. :(
 
Hey blue, I noticed your post and couldn't just skip by it knowing your struggling with addiction. I am struggling as well. I am currently trying to taper off dope. Ive been on and off of opiates this past year after struggling for a couple years prior.

One of the ways I did stop in the past, before this recent relapse, is just flat out cold turkey. I know it sucks, I do construction, and I went to work going through dope withdrawals for an entire 7 days straight, now just imagine how that was. Not only did I not get 1 hour of sleep that entire week, but I also had severe body aches, restless legs, cold sweats, diahrea, and everything else that comes with it. Not only that, but add the physical work I had to do on top of that. That was the worst week of my entire life. But I did it, because I knew in the back of my head that its what I HAD TO DO in order to get back to where I want to be with life.

Now after my recent relapse, I used for about a month of painkillers and about maybe 2 weeks of shooting dope. Today, I took some pain meds, instead of dope. Personally I always found using pain meds to taper down off dope has helped me, Idk weird but it works for me or makes it bare able at least. But I do have a suboxone, which does help a lot. I never tried methadone, because I've always heard bad things about it.

Anyway, just hang in there, you have to be mentally strong and fight your negative thoughts. Try to excerize, I know that u provably have no motivation to do it, but I force myself to no matter what my situation is. You can do it, you just choose not to. Just try to stay positive, try to do things that will keep you busy, even if its just TV, just try to take your mind off the negative and try to keep that positive energy around, because after all, if you stick with getting clean, things will get better.

And Idk, maybe consider quitting Cold turkey. I know that it will suck, but after 7 days you will ALMOST be like new, and after 2 weeks you will feel a lot better mentally, and after that push yourself to exercise and stay positive and its all uphill from there. Just don't give into the cravings and addiction.


I hope this helped, and good luck on your journey.

Stay positive!!!!! This is key
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to post to me. Im on 17 mg of methadone right now... Im thinking of doing a rapid taper of 7 mg in maybe ten days, and then just jumping off at 10 or 8 mg and doing the rest cold turkey. I still have gabapentin & 2 ativan, that should help me through the first few CT nights. Going down slow like this is hard. I do hear everyone who's said to just jump off now, but i just want to get my dose down a little lower before i do it.
 
I hear what your saying about tapering down, after all the thought of withdrawal is scary. I take it you've been tapering for quite some time now, if you think about it, you could have been done with it by now if you had stopped cold turkey :p

But, every person does things differently, each to his/her own. The good thing is, your trying to get clean and that's all that matters.

Getting off the stuff is hard but rather the easy part, if that makes sence? Its the staying clean once your clean part, that I find it more difficult. Because once your clean, you then have to work on yourself and improve yourself as a whole person. Working on being successful and happy in life and accepting your past. Once you can achieve this then I believe you can say you beat addiction. I also feel it is so easy to relapse, because of the mental aspect of depression that may come along with it, or you just might have those days where you feel like giving in, or just saying "only this one time", or the feeling that your not going anywhere in life, so you decide to use again. Just remember, once your clean, improve yourself as a person and don't stop for anything. Keep pushing forward and strive for the best.

I know its hard, but keep telling yourself you can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to, you just have to want it, and believe in it. Anything is possible.

Smileee (:
 
No, actually I've been tapering a short time - about two months. After a six month run of lots of high quality H I got on methadone at 30 mg and have been tapering down since then. At one point I got to 20 and went back up to 26, now I'm down to 17.

I'm not a newbie to heroin. I've done cold turkey before. Personally I don't believe one way of quitting makes anyone morally superior to another way. And yes, I understand that "if I'd done CT I'd be done by now!!11 :p", but CT from the amount I was using wasn't possible due to my living situation, which I'm not going to get into in a public forum. What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another, and cold turkey isn't the magic cure all for every addict's situation.
 
I wasn't calling you a newbie to heroin nor was I saying there is only one way to quit, nor did I say cold turkey was a magic cure. I was only sharing my personal experience and my personal preferences on quiting. And also just trying to be helpful and give advice. If you go back and read, I said "But, every person does things differently, each to his/her own. The good thing is, your trying to get clean and that's all that matters". Also, about me saying if you had done it cold turkey it would have been over by now, I said that sarcasticly.

Anyway no need to get all defensive when I was trying to help/give advice. Not telling you what to do.

Nice talking to ya, good luck with everything.
 
foxxxxxy1 said:
Also, about me saying if you had done it cold turkey it would have been over by now, I said that sarcasticly.
Click to expand...

Well it came off like "you're so silly, putting yourself through this for nothing when you can just cold turkey it and be done!".

Anyway no need to get all defensive when I was trying to help/give advice. Not telling you what to do.

Nice talking to ya, good luck with everything.
Click to expand...

I thought you came across a bit patronising. If you think that makes me defensive, that's fine. I appreciate you giving your 2 cents on addiction and recovery.
 
I feel so... SOBER. Not sick neccessarily, just... Sober as fuck. Its a new feeling for me, sober but not sick. Part of me still wants to run, run into the soothing arms of opiates, to retreat and watch the world from behind that comfy blanket, but... Ive done enough of that now. Its time to be sober for a while. Maybe when im 80 and they give me six months to live ill smack it up... Granny copping in the hood. For right now its time to do some other stuff besides be a junkie.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top