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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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Eveleivibe said:
Ahhhh I'm gutted. I've literally just spent an hour writing a PM to a member, full of thoughts, explanations, examples - and apart from a few paragraphed I had copied it just deleted. Bloody annoyed at myself for not saving it as I really put a lot of thought into that PM now I'm half hour late for my voluntarily work.
Will have to write the PM later but probably wont have everything I put n it was very important I wrote it.

Ahhhh ffs. Wish this bus would hurry up. And no im not texting to say im late. I texted her last week to say my daughter was in AnE with an ear infection that i couldnt come in reply

Evey
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I hate when something gets deleted after it's all typed out. ^^



This whole week's job search has basically been dedicated towards finding income-limits for the various disability programs. Some of the income limits are ridiculously low. (I was quoted that $160 in a month! would cause me to pay for my medical insurance, doesn't make much sense). Also I can't believe the agent at the welfare dept told me "they don't have time" 8o to sit down w/ me and inform me of the limits.

SOO greatful that I have an advocate who I met w/ this morning and obtained some info on the phone w/ me today, and is getting the rest in person from these various offices, but this sucks for steps like this to literally take the whole week to get past. Been trying to get a part-time job since April.
 
OMG when I thought I've seen it all, motherfuckers never cease to amaze me. Sick assholes out and about. :X
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Always control c after you type an epic post, amatuer mistake!
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hahahahaha yea Owen I learnt that the hard way LOL... Was annoyed because I wrote this PM giving all sorts of examples, explanations, reasons in a calm manner, which hasn't been like me as of late - and it get deleted. Never mind, worst things happen lol. I just upload Word now and if I write a long post / PM, type it in there.

Evey
 
This laptop is annoying the shit out of me. Actually I'm surprised it's lasted this long, really time for a newer model.
 
I've been really depressed at different points in the year. I just talked to my friend and he was saying a lot of the stuff I was thinking earlier on when I was at some of my darker points. I'm really worried about him, but I don't know how to help him especially when I'm struggling so much myself. He has definitely been doing better as far as not using, although a lot of that is not having a job or steady income and not having a car or consistent ride. I've also been doing better than earlier in the year, but still have a lot of room for improvement.

I don't want to ignore him now since the only other people he seems to associate with are people that continuing to perpetuate his drug use. I'd like to be a better influence. We used to run together and I'd like to do that again. I just wish I had a better idea of a more concrete way to help him. I've already lost one good friend from suicide/depression and I don't know what I'd do if the same happened again here.
 
^maybe you can hang out with him and do something that you both guys can enjoy. Does he like to run? Perhaps start with paintball or some fun activity.
 
Sorry for the long ass reply, but thank you omen and Allein. :)

I've been making lots of progress since that last post. I moved out of the horrible council nut house I was in, to the countryside a week ago and things are so much better already. The stress and anxiety is all gone, I can get out of bed in the morning. I don't even feel suicidal or depressed every day, which is amazing as I've been like that ever since I got addicted to benzos and started tapering off in 2012.

I've changed to a different drug case worker and can't wait to start my subutex script. Instead of being stuck in bed all day, losing my script as I couldn't simply get out of bed, I know I can do it this time. I've cut down my usage a lot, to just a 20 bag spread out over a day of heroin, which just gets rid of the sickness, and am doing well with sticking to the right amount of benzos too. I'm not close to triggers, and my boyfriend can't just swing by with heroin or to get it. Thank God!

I think by living in the countryside I can actually get over this addiction and become such a better person.
 
I feel heartbroken and I hate myself for not being able to let this go. I care too much, but there is nothing I can personally do to save you. I need to stop caring; however, I can't… at least not now.
 
Thanks so much herb :)! Sorry for sounding cheesy, but your support and posts has really helped me and many others out, you're a lovely person.

It's so nice to have hope again.
 
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kace said:
Sorry for the long ass reply, but thank you omen and Allein. :)
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I gain so much from just hearing that someone is making a better life, it proves there is always hope and your story will help others see that and maybe gain some strength to cling on and push through.

Thank you for you participation <3


kace;12444179I said:
think by living in the countryside I can actually get over this addiction and become such a better person.
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I know someone from the site that did this, they moved out to rural Wales and never moved back to the city, if you're not intending to work there is little to stop you in the UK in terms of benefits etc. I'd do it, if it were me I'd get close to the coast, there is nothing like a walk along the breach to bring come comfort to a trouble mind.

Best of luck with it all, I've no doubts you will make this work, keep in touch I'll be thinking of you.:)
 
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apologies for the double post but I'm just beyond fedup I've felt ill everyday since this last operation back on thee 17th May and this Gabapentin stuff is just making things worse. I feel tired all the time and nauseous much if it as well. I can't sleep properly and how I'm managing to work from home, take work calls and all that stuff I just don't know.

I'm fast approaching the end of my tether, but I've no idea where that leaves me, old habits are calling me and I know would bring temporary relief from what feels like a never ending nightmare. This is just crazy I'm struggling now and the intention is to open up the whole knee/leg thing all over again on October for an even bigger piece of work that will leave me unable to be even close to walking for 2 months with recovery a good 4 months.

This feels like a comedown 24hrs a day 7 days a week and I can't see any end to it ATM, my doctor doesn't work Tuesdays, I'll have to call him on Wednesday, he better come through with something, which is unlikely given how he knows my 'history' or self medicating seems the only option, just a day or so of not feeling this generally terrible is a temptation I can't ignore for much longer:(
 
Allein said:
apologies for the double post but I'm just beyond fedup I've felt ill everyday since this last operation back on thee 17th May and this Gabapentin stuff is just making things worse. I feel tired all the time and nauseous much if it as well. I can't sleep properly and how I'm managing to work from home, take work calls and all that stuff I just don't know.

I'm fast approaching the end of my tether, but I've no idea where that leaves me, old habits are calling me and I know would bring temporary relief from what feels like a never ending nightmare. This is just crazy I'm struggling now and the intention is to open up the whole knee/leg thing all over again on October for an even bigger piece of work that will leave me unable to be even close to walking for 2 months with recovery a good 4 months.

This feels like a comedown 24hrs a day 7 days a week and I can't see any end to it ATM, my doctor doesn't work Tuesdays, I'll have to call him on Wednesday, he better come through with something, which is unlikely given how he knows my 'history' or self medicating seems the only option, just a day or so of not feeling this generally terrible is a temptation I can't ignore for much longer:(
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All I have to offer is sympathy, Allein. I am so sick of feeling terrible, sleep deprived and useless, not to mention getting more and more out of shape physically every day. Misery loves company is an idiotic phrase but I'm right there with you for what it's worth.<3
 
herbavore said:
All I have to offer is sympathy, Allein. I am so sick of feeling terrible, sleep deprived and useless, not to mention getting more and more out of shape physically every day. Misery loves company is an idiotic phrase but I'm right there with you for what it's worth.<3
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Thanks Herb<3, I think the mian problems are being caused by this Gabapentin they put me on, I'm hitting all the common side effects:-

feeling dizzy
problems controlling movement
sleepiness
tiredness

And my sleep is all messed up again, I caved in today and put in a mail order for my own medication, I just need to feel OK for a bit, I know it's not the answer but old habits and all that.

I have a call with my GP tomorrow and I'm going to say I want off this stuff, it's quite possible this nerve damage pain was transient or I can just cope with it, anything and I mean anything is better than being like this.

I'm tired, I can't think straight, I can't sleep properly I'm definitely becoming more depressed, this is surely case of the cure being worse than the disease, either way I don't intend taking more of this stuff, but I'll chat with my doctor tomorrow and explain the situation.
 
I just finished watching my life crash and burn, and somehow I'm still standing. In one week I lost my lover and the last of my family, I dont have friends. I came so close to relapsing(my hearts already damaged from a past infection due to tar ) which is the same as suicide for me...but somehow I'm still here.
I guess what I'm saying is find something you can hope for and hold on like your life depends on it. That's why I'm alive.
For now.
 
So I'm out of my rut and feeling useful again. Been working a little and going to do some traveling in July.
Everyone enjoy their day!
 
Tuesday afternoon, and I still don't have the information on the income limits for the various disability benefits. (from last week's main task)

Also, my daughter's mother reneged on the agreement to pay for her return flight. I now have a deadline, and money(that I do not have) to come up with, and an emotional daughter.

Life also continues to be painful in the present. I am working very hard towards my goals, but for the time being I am unable to live like a man in this situation. I am struggling to repeatedly remember to stay positive and at least 'posture' my mindset with the idea that I am in fact being a man, albeit in a crappy situation.
 
I'm really down and out I have no opiates to take, no one is good ATM to give me any, and really I just want to fucking die or scream at someone.

I'm feeing so bad I'm ready to hit the ER up -yea junky life- :|

I truly hate myself for getting deep in this, and it's making my life a fucking mess. I wake up thinking about my fix (hell I dream about pills), ~sighs~ I have to change myself it has been too many years of abuse it's getting worse and I'm the only person in my way that's stopping myself from getting better.


Hell I have a full script of my k-pins, that I usually take for bad panic attacks or for ppl here and there.
But I wish that was a full bottle of oxys. I'm fucked and I know this.
 
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