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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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Well, I couldn't accept the alcohol situation, so when I went out after a football game today, I decided to try to have a beer again with my friends. One beer felt good, two felt even better, then I settled for a .33 as the last beer. I've had 3 beers, and I feel fucking awesome and euphoric.

I guess how I react to alcohol during my recovery is very dependent on the state my body and brain is in. I might get some anxiety tomorrow, but then again I might not. I'll update tomorrow.

Right now I am happy.
 
ScaredFirstTimer said:
Well, I couldn't accept the alcohol situation, so when I went out after a football game today, I decided to try to have a beer again with my friends. One beer felt good, two felt even better, then I settled for a .33 as the last beer. I've had 3 beers, and I feel fucking awesome and euphoric.

I guess how I react to alcohol during my recovery is very dependent on the state my body and brain is in. I might get some anxiety tomorrow, but then again I might not. I'll update tomorrow.

Right now I am happy.
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Awesome update man, same with you Coder! Seems like we're facing the anxieties, which is the most vital part of the recovery!
 
Does anyone here suffer from shortness of breath as part of their LTC, I don't mean hyperventilating during a panic attack but like a feeling of your brain telling you that you're not getting enough air despite breathing normally? Comes on out of the blue for me, feels kind of like your stuck mid-yawn trying to breath, I had this really bad during the worst of mine. It went away but now in some cruel act of fate I've been diagnosed with Esophagitis (inflammed, swollen oesophagus) and put on drugs that have the side effect of random dizziness. The breathing troubles have returned and I can't tell if it's part of the LTC or not.

It's almost laughable that my LTC happened to coincide with an issue that causes "heart attack resembling" chest pain and shortness of breath. No wonder my anxiety spiralled out of control.
 
Tpchan85 said:
Does anyone here suffer from shortness of breath as part of their LTC, I don't mean hyperventilating during a panic attack but like a feeling of your brain telling you that you're not getting enough air despite breathing normally? Comes on out of the blue for me, feels kind of like your stuck mid-yawn trying to breath, I had this really bad during the worst of mine. It went away but now in some cruel act of fate I've been diagnosed with Esophagitis (inflammed, swollen oesophagus) and put on drugs that have the side effect of random dizziness. The breathing troubles have returned and I can't tell if it's part of the LTC or not.

It's almost laughable that my LTC happened to coincide with an issue that causes "heart attack resembling" chest pain and shortness of breath. No wonder my anxiety spiralled out of control.
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I suddenly came down with this way back in the summer of 1994.

Yeah, I know, 20 years ago is a long time for our species, but it was so traumatic that I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was at my uncle's watching World Cup '94, when suddenly out the blue I began to have great difficulty trying to breathe.

The most annoying part of it was the fact that whenever I would try to fill my lungs to the max, I was unable to experience that - dare I say soothing/satisfying - sensation which I've been used to for so long whenever I'd breathe in fully.

Well, naturally I panicked and went to see my family doctor, who was unable to find what was wrong with me, so he sent me to a specialist.

Long story short, the specialist ended up prescribing me something in the form of a syrup, which I had to take twice daily until finished.

The problem is that I don't remember what the medication was specifically, but I'm almost certain that there was a muscle relaxant in it.

So about 2 months after it suddenly started, it finally went away. To this day, I have no idea what the hell happened.

Even better (or worse), in 1998, I was suddenly struck with the same problem, but this time, it only affected me for about 4 weeks.

I've been tested several times for asthma, and have had my lungs imaged via x-ray and CT Scan, but apparently they're fine.

Anyways, I've recall using a puffer (Ventolin) back in '98 which really helped, as well as the Halls candy with menthol.

Good luck man.
 
I'm going through this now. I've had it most of my life though. I don't think it related in any way. I notice when ever the seasons change my lungs can't seem to get enough air. I don't sweat it
 
So i find that if i take klonopin my head stop hurting. The fog dull pain goes away in my brain..

My conclusion.. #1 Brain pain/fog is related to aneixty/stress .#2Guess im gunna be on Klonopins for the rest of my life which sucks
 
Shortness here too. I feel trapped a little at times.

Anyone here HATES big stores like target or best buy or whatever that has bright warehouse neon lights? I CANT STAND in a fucking store more than 10 minutes. Then I get mind pressure headache dizzyness like no tomorrow!!!

I cant be the only one!
 
Me2point0 i can relate, although my anxiety has pretty much calmed down i still get it in those sort of places especially of they're busy, as it makes my Dr/dp much more pronounced (or at least i notice it more)

In the first few weeks i couldn't even go in a shop at all, the mixture of the lights, music and people was too much and i would have to leave

Edit: i also still get a sort of mild paranoia on public transport where i convince myself that people are staring at me and i get really uncomfortable, if it's busy and I'm also sat next to a fidgeter i get so het up i have to move seats sometimes. It's silly because i know this thoughts are totally ridiculous but i can't help them! Some guys were checking me out the other day on a train to work, and I'm so oversensitive to being looked at in such a claustraphobic environment i nearly snapped at them, i normally would have just been flattered! Then again them continuing to stare may have been down to the fact that i was suppressing a panic attack rather than anything else haha.
 
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I guess in a flight-or-fight response, our brain is using most of the oxygen to tense up our muscles, instead of long breaths of air. Same goes with the headaches during being in places that stresses you out. It's good though to conquer going these places as you'll eventually become in a calm state, and the anxiety will go away.
 
Stupid question guys, I'm going to that holi one festival and my friends are trying to get me to do nitrous oxide balloon, which are legal, but I'm wary of doing anything that makes me feel lightheaded when I feel lightheaded due to my dp/dr. Any thoughts?
 
^You seem nervous about doing it which might trigger a negative reaction in itself. And there probably isn't much of a point to doing that, your friends are most likely "getting high." I will have a horrible physiological response to a cup of tea - any sort of stimulant is absolutely out of the question for me these days, and I only use drugs that help with my medical conditions while in recovery. But I don't know your whole story - if you partake I doubt it would be all that much of a setback. But is there a point?

I have been clean 9 months, it has been 2 years since my last roll but the main issue was the constant obsession and fiending of cannabis which had consumed my life and stolen my soul until one day my brain was just fed up with it and I started getting panic attacks. Now the tiniest little smidgen of cannabis will send me into a full blown panic attack, but you couldn't pay me $1000 to take a hit off a joint, I just wasn't myself back then. That is the one and only drug in which I felt that I had completely lost all control of myself and I had to really fry myself nice and good with the hash oil before I was ready to put a stop to it. I was a full blown addict in every sense of the meaning, with a ridiculous physical dependency on massive amounts of weed and hash oil.

Now, 9 months later I have recovered in all the ways I thought I would - just think "burnout, wasted zombie addict pointlessly fiending a hit all day" to "normal, physically and intellectually active human" and that just about describes the transformation that occurred.

Except that I am still battling panic attacks. Initially my whole entire life felt like I was on the verge of a heart attack and I was suffering in constant agony. The stress of the first 5 or 6 months was extreme and I'm still being affected by it, most likely some sort of post acute withdrawal syndrome. I mean I lost 20 pounds those first few weeks from the appetite suppression and I was a psychotic freak at the time. Nowadays I have it under control with the odd benzo helper and I can live a normal life. I'm sure as hell not showing up at the ER, begging for mercy in a state of utter panic and despair which happened more than once.

I am medicating etizolam for my panic disorder, and moderate opioid use (hardly qualifying as a user) for management of a chronic nerve pain condition. This really helps keep my stress levels down which I feel is vital to recovery. I need to show my body that there is nothing to be afraid about anymore - weed is out of the picture forever and that was always the source of my anxiety issues, I was one of those people who was prone to weed anxiety but I still developed a crazy addiction somehow... it's a pretty powerful drug, I mean how can you get addicted to being anxious, lazy, and stupid and just be completely in denial about it as you throw years of your life away? And the constant bong ripping when I'm generally a health nut? But that's exactly what happened, it doesn't make any sense looking back but addictions often don't.

It took about 4- 6 months before I stopped obsessively thinking about drugs and getting high. Nowadays I barely notice the medication that I take and I'm pretty much right back to normality. A full recovery in which I will not be benzo-reliant will probably take between 2 - 3 years in my case, I would estimate - but I don't have much of an issue with moderate benzo use, anyway. It certainly doesn't turn me into a dumbass, which even moderate cannabis use would accomplish. There's a big difference between pointless high-chasing addiction and non-abusive dependency on things which are effective medicines.
 
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well got drunk for the first time in over a year. turned out quite well. Had a good night. Forgot about things pretty much and just had fun with friends Well see how I feel tomorrow.
 
PMZ that's good news. Nights like you described were important for my emotional healing. It was one of the only ways for me to overcome my constant obsession with my comedown.

Don't be discouraged if you feel shifty tomorrow. Hangovers and disassociation are not fun. By going out and having a good time your brain is learning how to have fun and relax again.
 
Pmz i did the same last night dude, unfortunately my night didn't turn out so well, my boyfriend and his friend were doing coke and being drunk i thought it would be a good idea to join in...big mistake! I took a really small bump and it hit me way harder than normal, immediately after i did it i seriously didn't think i'd live to post on here, went into a massive panic attack with horrible chest pain, took nearly two hours to calm me down, long after the effects had worn off. Woke up this morning with a pounding headache (though I'm hoping thats just the hangover) and still some chest pain and a fuckload of anxiety ): ugh. So pissed off at myself, i don't think i can trust myself to get drunk again because i just can't seem to leave the coke when i do
 
you think raving and getting really drunk is a good idea Dawglaw? Thats good cause I miss it so much. I know I can trust myself not to touch drugs when I go out. Everyone here said leave the alcohol alone so I left it. But you think its ok? How was paradiso btw? I feel really sorry for you India. The same thing happened for me with speed and 2cb. Especially 2cb hit me hard I was hallucinating for days. I've learned though and it will not happen again. I'm sure you have wise friends. Make sure one is always with you when you get drunk. Just explain the situation to them. Dont get drunk alone with your boyfriend if hes not responsible enough to help you. Gl and stay strong guys.
 
Imabicycle that's very sweet of you to say, i however have zero sympathy for myself right now! I mean yeah i was annoyed my boyfriend was doing coke right in front of me when I'm trying to avoid it (which i told him that was the equivalent of waving a pizza in my face when I'm hungry), but at the end of the day no-one was forcing me or even offered me any, i even knew that would happen but drunk me just decided to push it too far anyway. My boyfriend and his friends are fairly irresponsible but if they genuinely thought i was in trouble they would have done something, and i was almost at the point of begging them to take me to a&e i was freaking out so bad. Luckily i didn't and obviously i lived, I've been meditating and eating/drinking well today and i feel less anxious but the frustration with myself is going to take a while to leave me. I always thought i was strong enough to turn my back on a drug, which is why i never had a problem experimenting with them
 
Dawglaw said:
PMZ that's good news. Nights like you described were important for my emotional healing. It was one of the only ways for me to overcome my constant obsession with my comedown.

Don't be discouraged if you feel shifty tomorrow. Hangovers and disassociation are not fun. By going out and having a good time your brain is learning how to have fun and relax again.
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Yeah, it was a good night. Im feelig a bit sleepy today but Im good. I slept fine. In a few hours Ill be woken up and ill be good. Ive noticed though there is alot that runs through my mind still even when I was drunk. I still "feel" like I cant let my self have as good of a time as I used to. Its like Im really self conscious. I still do alot of comparison to how much I enjoyed things in the past conpared to now. But i think I the reason is that I just cant let my self get lost in the entertainment. There is this underlying thought process that is still there. Though its a million times better. I was a big BBQ last night with a ton of people I did not know. Zero social anxiety came up and I was talking and having fun with everyone. When there was noone to talk to, I just walked away and spun my Poi. It was a good gathering. But proof to me that socially Im fine, if not even a bit better and more willing to talk to people. Shit, I even got a girls number after yoga class last night. I would never consider that in the past. So, Im gaining alot. There is this still huge emotional piece for me, that my brain still tells me I dont feel everything the way I used. Maybe I dont, maybe Im just over reacting, maybe all my life Ive been a little emotionaly detached, which I think it true. Who knows. Its all getting better.

Just want the DP to go away, and the brain fog. thats all Im working on now.
 
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