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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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thank you!! it's annoying i'm pretty sure i am physically dependent and can't drink alcohol anymore, i know worse things happen but i feel so bad, i'm only 21 and i feel like i already messed up pretty significantly...... SSRI's omg, last time i went off them i actually got brain zaps. i feel like all this stuff is so much stronger than medical people let on.... :/
 
Jean-Paul said:
i am dealing with paranoid delusions in a real way that i have not before. the most infuriating fucking part is, of course, that i have reasons to actually believe (most of) the shit could be true. or would not otherwise be a big leap from the absurd reality that has been my life.

it got bad enough recently that i believed there were probably cameras watching me. hidden cameras. this is me, without having had any gud drugz in a long while. i mean, only fuckinfg weed and not even that often. so just purely my golden mind and our unsullied thoughts. (do not have my meds, but those are anxiety meds, so)

i had entertained the camera thought before. the thoughts go much more complex than that and of varying levels of believable/batshit. one small example is that i click on new users to this forum and assume they could very well be people from my ~iRLz~. that one is not so far fetched as, say, hidden cameras are watching me and every single tumblr account i followed was a troll account designed to subtly tell me things or laugh at me.

it escalated to scratching my arm up a bit with a steak knife. i thought "well, let them have to witness this and stomach this being entertaining" as i was doing it. it did help me to calm down. i was enraged for a full night and day before i finally brought up one piece of "evidence" i had that really sealed the deal for me. i said to my friend "you see, he's showing proof of a hidden camera!" i was talking about someones profile pic. someone i don't even really know but have messaged back and forth on a dating site. who had a profile pic of him pointing a laptop at a mirror. which my friend quickly pointed out. which makes much more sense than a joke picture about the hidden cameras not watching me.

some old guy once told me my klonopin was more of an anti-psychotic and i was inclined to disagree. being off of it half a year and this shit? okay, guy. okay, perhaps there's something to that after all.
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This sounds potentially quite serious... have you thought about getting help? My ex-wife at several points began having similar delusions (for a while she insisted we attach all our blankets to the windows because there could be cameras in the trees or people parachuting with cameras. It scared the shit out of me. She's never gotten help (refuses to) and she's fairly non-functioning in life and miserable right now although not too bad with the paranoia right now it seems. You are recognizing these are delusions, that's good. But it sounds like this will get worse since there isn't a drug causing it.

Oh, and stop smoking weed, ever until (this gets resolved at least)... it seems to be one of the worst drugs for exacerbating issues like this. It could be a large contributing factor right now. Seems weird that marijuana would be so bad for psychosis and the like, but it is.
 
I'm a joke to pretty much everyone at work.

I've forgotten what it's like to feel good about yourself. I haven't felt that way in so long. I remember when I first learned about self-esteem in elementary school. The concept baffled me. I didn't understand how anyone could not like themselves or not feel good regarding themselves. I wish that was still a foreign concept.

I isolated myself while I was using and now I don't really have any friends. I can reach out to old friends, but I just don't have the self-confidence. I can't even imagine making new friends now or meeting any girls at all. If I don't think of myself as many than a loser it's hard for other people to see me as more than that.
 
Sick of my detox
Sick or daily routinitey l have no energry
Sick of having no car But ins a weeks time Ill be free (please???!) of wd.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I'm a joke to pretty much everyone at work.

I've forgotten what it's like to feel good about yourself. I haven't felt that way in so long. I remember when I first learned about self-esteem in elementary school. The concept baffled me. I didn't understand how anyone could not like themselves or not feel good regarding themselves. I wish that was still a foreign concept.

I isolated myself while I was using and now I don't really have any friends. I can reach out to old friends, but I just don't have the self-confidence. I can't even imagine making new friends now or meeting any girls at all. If I don't think of myself as many than a loser it's hard for other people to see me as more than that.
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I know what you mean man I haven't connected with a girl in what seems like forever I'll get an escort or whatever to fulfill the physical need for a feminine touch but I still don't have a Connection with anyone.
But it's really our fault I mean we don't put ourselves out there I mean I can't believe I've eevr even had to pay for sex as I am not a bad looking guy but I am just miserable and I push people away cause it feels like the right thing to do.
 
I just feel like crying all the time. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I'm tired of getting high… I didn't get subs or any bags today and don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I willingly walked home because I knew I was just going to buy more heroin. So now I'm crying because I know what's going to happen. I feel like such fucking shit and just want to die. I don't see the point in being here. My mom even found so many empty bags of dope in my room… she thought I was done using and she broke out in tears. She wants me to go back "home". I just don't know how to live this life anymore… I feel empty and hollow… I have even before opiates, but when I get high, even though I may still feel empty… at least I'm not sober going through it.
 
I'm almost at a loss, I know I'll figure something out but the uncertainty is agonizing.
I don't want to fly away yet because i have loose ends (legal) to tie up. I feel like once I have those gone, which will be relatively soon, I can get a ticket to a festival and ride the circuit or possibly end when I find a farm looking to take on a hand.
Id like the last option.
I don't want to be homeless.
I will not be homeless.
 
xstayfadedx said:
I just feel like crying all the time. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I'm tired of getting high… I didn't get subs or any bags today and don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I willingly walked home because I knew I was just going to buy more heroin. So now I'm crying because I know what's going to happen. I feel like such fucking shit and just want to die. I don't see the point in being here. My mom even found so many empty bags of dope in my room… she thought I was done using and she broke out in tears. She wants me to go back "home". I just don't know how to live this life anymore… I feel empty and hollow… I have even before opiates, but when I get high, even though I may still feel empty… at least I'm not sober going through it.
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Sorry SF, that's hard. You're so young, maybe your mom can help you get into rehab or something.
 
i'm a living fucking statistic of the failure of mental health care in this country and i want to set things on fire, literally

like this entire fucking state and its people

disgusted by humanity, society, everything

caring less and less and almost

not at all

which is as comforting as it is dangerous
 
abracadabra girl said:
Sorry SF, that's hard. You're so young, maybe your mom can help you get into rehab or something.
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Whenever I try talking to her she doesn't ever want to hear it. She just always tells me that I need to switch up people or she is going to go to prison (shes been saying that for years now). Her ultimate plan to save me in her mind is for me to go back home to Connecticut. She thinks that will change things. I don't know how because I was just up there for four months nov until march and I was using dope/benzos/and drinking all the time. The only difference is I had family up there. She doesn't understand its not as easy as switching up friends… and her of all people should understand. Shit, I could have no friends and still be using heroin. She acts like others are the reason for me getting high, but it's my own fault. I chose to use. Her daughter… I am a heroin addict, and she knows, but still tries to push it under the rug.
 
Hey stayfaded, I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time and hope things get better for you. I'm sorry I've only read this page of comments (my phone is shite), but ahh at least you can talk to your Mom about your problem? Maybe if you did go home again for a while, and tried again to get clean at your home it would be easier than doing it alone?
Also, can you go to any treatment places either where you currently live or back home? It would be great if you could have a proper sit down, face to face and let her know how serious you are. Maybe she is avoiding how serious it is and being in-denial about it herself? If possible, could you start therapy and get her to go along and support you? I really think being at your home would help you recover.

Your situation sounds really tough, we are alike both struggling with heroin and benzos. My parents don't have a clue though and I don't see them, not even for Xmas anymore :(. They drove me nuts but I miss them. Family is so important. I really think that being around your family would help, and then you can go back to our friends and personal life as a sort of reward to yourself when you're recovered? I thought the same as you, but being alone has just made it so much worse. I had no idea how low I could get. I'm disgusted and shocked at it, and have nobody to keep me grounded on any level.
 
I'm tired of this.
Does anybody have experience in a homeless shelter? I'm just hard headed and I really do not want to go. I just feel that once you're there it is much harder to"get out" of the cycle.
I don't know what to do. I have one place I can possibly go, but that's it.
I just want to work on a farm.I've been looking, I just need the money and I want to get it honestly not by terrible means.
 
I'm also checking out intentional communities, to see if they are accepting applications for new members.
Other than that, wwoofing.
I really don't want to go to a shelter.

Do you guys have any ideas?
 
A friend and fellow Bluelighter passed away, I just learned, almost a month ago. Amanitadine. I was just starting to worry about him too, since it had been so long since he'd been here. He had taken ibogaine recently to get off opiates and then his partner left him and he was really torn up about it. I'm trying not to speculate too much... but it really hurts. :( I really hope it was unrelated, I don't want to think that he did it to himself, or ODed himself. But I don't know any details.
 
kace said:
Hey stayfaded, I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time and hope things get better for you. I'm sorry I've only read this page of comments (my phone is shite), but ahh at least you can talk to your Mom about your problem? Maybe if you did go home again for a while, and tried again to get clean at your home it would be easier than doing it alone?
Also, can you go to any treatment places either where you currently live or back home? It would be great if you could have a proper sit down, face to face and let her know how serious you are. Maybe she is avoiding how serious it is and being in-denial about it herself? If possible, could you start therapy and get her to go along and support you? I really think being at your home would help you recover.

Your situation sounds really tough, we are alike both struggling with heroin and benzos. My parents don't have a clue though and I don't see them, not even for Xmas anymore :(. They drove me nuts but I miss them. Family is so important. I really think that being around your family would help, and then you can go back to our friends and personal life as a sort of reward to yourself when you're recovered? I thought the same as you, but being alone has just made it so much worse. I had no idea how low I could get. I'm disgusted and shocked at it, and have nobody to keep me grounded on any level.
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Day two of not using and I feel horrible… haven't left the house all day or did anything. I've been thinkimg about drinking a shit load and passing out, but that won't fix anything. I know I should probably go back to my "home/homestate" but I just haven't. My dad has even offered to take me in, but I'm sure I would go nuts there… all he does is preach and he even owns his own church now… yeah I'd probably kill myself living there.

It just sucks how I started a new job and it would be kind of messed up if I just quit after a couple weeks lol, but I have been thinking about just disappearing from PA. I cant deal with being down here anymore. However, no matter where I go, things are always the same. So I really need to go to rehab, but don't know how I would be able to when I have bills/rent to pay. Other than that, I really should have went to day hospital when I had the chance because I feel once I get my mental health in check… then I won't even have such a huge problem with staying sober.

Anyways, I hope you too can figure out what to do. I wish you the best <3
 
^ "wherever you go, there you are" .. never new what that meant when I first heard it on mad max from the pig eater. I now think that most of our big struggles are with ourselves.. which makes it bullshit that its so hard to outrun our self.
 
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