I have true and legit hope when I am not using, drinking and slowly killing myself daily. That is an incredible thing IMO. Frankly, it is one of the few things I have going for me today, and I have to fight hard to keep that hope going. I am going to get better though, no matter what. Recovery first, everything else second.
In all honesty, my worst day clean and sober is better then my best day loaded. Why? Because I know that when I use I destroy myself and others. Sadly, that isn't enough for me to stop. I really realized this today. My worst day sober I was in better shape in all three dimensions then any day high.
I am real happy to see a post about sober living. I'm 20 and wish I could go back to when I was 15 and so innocent. I would go out and drink on the weekends like a lot of typical highschool kids. My friends at the time smoked pot and i tried it with them and saw no point in it and thought it was a complete was of money. This post made me reevaluate my life and goals. I use to scrapbook a lot sober and had pictures of everytime I went out with friends or family. I miss that. I have lost my "better looking high school days" or at least I feel that way. I use to enjoy spending times with friends doing nothing and having fun. After abusing drugs, that's all I find fun... and still feel that way unfortunately. My boyfriend misses when I'd be clean for a bit and come home from work sober and happy & telling all these funny stories from the dental office. When I was sober for awhile I enjoyed walking through the trails & feeling the fresh breeze. It made me feel alive. Since Chicago has had some messed up weather lately, I hope I can continue doing this because the natural endorphin's released from walking the trails made me feel amazing. Another benefit of being sober is being able to comprehend and understand everything that is really going on. Especially me with work. I have a serious job but while using I didn't care, and being sober I perform better, and ended up getting a raise within 7 months of my first "serious" job, which could technically be a career to some. It motivates me to continue my schooling to become a dental hygienist and move up the ladder instead of being a dental assistant.
For a long long long time I used to say "If I had a time machine, I'd go kick my 15 year old ass". Now I am almost 31 and I realize that such thoughts are not helpful and guess what I do not have a time machine and do not see myself being able to acquire one anytime soon. So I try try try to not dwell on the past, I am doing a shitty job of that today but I am pretty fucking raw when it comes to sobriety right now.
When I was your age I shared very similar concerns, 20 is when my problem drinking escalated big fucking time. I was already an addict looking back on it, but booze brought a whole new ballgame into the mix and lead me to using other shit (but Alcohol is my "ultimate DOC", I have to tell myself that my DOC was anything though). Anyways, if you need to talk, I am here. You are gonna do what you are gonna do, but I pray you do not end up having to feel the pain that I feel now, 15 years later after I started using.
Anyways, overall I am sober and clean today and that is all that matters for me right now. I have a long way to go, but at this point I am willing to try anything because God knows I have tried everything else. I just simply cannot use substances in any responsible fashion whatsoever. I can semi-function still, but I was starting to lose that ability . I was trying so hard to talk myself into just giving up but for some reason I just cannot do it. I want to fucking live more then I want to die I guess.
I am in the Burbs myself. I know how hard this winter was. Straight fucked me up, plus my Grandpa died. Still not a good enough reason to use or drink (there never is for me) but it hurts. Oh yeah, GO HAWKS!!!!!
