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My girlfriend told me she had an abortion...

M

MD Specialist

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Mar 22, 2010
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We've known each other for a while, been in a relationship for a few months, and are in love. This woman was plucked straight from my dreams and into my life. We've overcome some hurdles and it brought us closer together. We have a mountain to climb and have decided to face it together side by side because of how important we are to each other. I not only see a future with her but quite possibly an infinite future. Today she did catch me off guard though. She told me that about three years ago she had had an abortion. At first i didn't believe her and to be honest I was in shock. She told me the other person was just a guy she had known for a awhile and they just hooked up when convenient so a real relationship was not going to form. I told her that it's not in my place to say if what she did was right or wrong, but that I commended her for making a tough life decision like that. I also insured her that my views on her have not changed, that I love her for everything she is, and will not judge her. Just the fact that she feels comfortable enough with me to open up like that was amazing and I really appreciated it. I love her so much but this is a little tougher to wrap my head around. It's even brought up some insecurities in myself. I'm not thinking about ending it, but I'm just trying to iron things out in my head. I know I just need to accept it, realize my insecurities are invalid, and continue to love her as I do. Just some words of encouragement or anyone that has advice from a similar situation would be nice. I just need help processing this. Thank you.

PS} No political arguments or opinions please. Everyone has the right to their own opinion.
 
Ask yourself why this bothers you. Presumably you knew she wasn't a virgin. And this was not a serious enough relationship that she meant to get pregnant. So that aspect of her past hasn't changed from what you already knew. If you feel abortion is wrong, then you may not be able to get over it - just like some posters have lost relationships because of admitting to past drug use - and differing views could be an issue. But it doesn't sound like that's the part you're having trouble with either. If you can't figure out what bothers you, try the "and" technique. It goes like this:

"She had an abortion.
... and?
It means she had sex with some other dude.
... and?
etc.
 
Was her decision to make, as long as it was early on in pregnancy and she did it through the health care system and not some sort of back alley job, it's not really in your place to judge.

Ask this one question though

Would you be with her if she had of had that baby? Would she still be with the other guy because they tried to make it work? Would your relationship with her (if it happened at all) be the same? Would it be a problem in future when you want children?
Would you treat that baby as your own? Would you prefer for the sake of your relationship with her thatshe had a child or that she got rid of it?
 
Thank you. I think just putting it out there and reading the feedback has helped. I believe what was bothering me about this was just the decision to have unprotected sex with someone with no emotional involvement. It's wrong for me to put her under a microscope for decisions made in the past. I also can't let insecurities dictate my feelings because they're just negative thoughts that don't affect reality. I Love her for who she is, and this is something in her life that has made her who she is today. I wouldn't change a thing about her or our relationship. I believe this woman is my vision of perfection and she just may be the love of my life. Thanks again.
 
MD Specialist said:
Thank you. I think just putting it out there and reading the feedback has helped. I believe what was bothering me about this was just the decision to have unprotected sex with someone with no emotional involvement.
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it happens, its not responsible behaviour but you cant dwell on it.
 
For me it would raise a red flag but I'm adamantly pro-life. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. If it was like they were 18 and pressured by their parents into it that would be one thing, but if they just chose to be irresponsible and not deal with the consequences I would seriously question their moral character. If they're that irresponsible to have an abortion then how are they going to be in other areas of their life? That's what I would be thinking. Also I'm not sure why you would commend someone for having an abortion. To accept it is one thing, but commend?

llama112 said:
Exactly.
Who doesn't have things in their past that they regret? It's in the past... you learn from your mistakes.
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That's true but I think there is something to be said as far as the extent. And not everyone learns from their mistakes. :\ I think it's basically up to the person that's in the relationship to decide what they're ok with as far as someone's past. Like someone else said some people wouldn't date someone who had past drug use, while others probably would date a murderer. lol Everyone has different morals and standards.
 
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nuttynutskin said:
That's true but I think there is something to be said as far as the extent. And not everyone learns from their mistakes. :\ I think it's basically up to the person that's in the relationship to decide what they're ok with as far as someone's past. Like someone else said some people wouldn't date someone who had past drug use, while others probably would date a murderer. lol Everyone has different morals and standards.
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Is she still having unprotected sex? I presumed no, which would mean she'd learn from her mistakes.

Yeah, everyone has different morals. Some people wouldn't date someone who did drugs in their past... true. But if you're not okay with that, don't date the person then. But if you're not okay with someone having unprotected sex then good luck in dating. You're going to have to find someone who has never dated anyone before... or at least someone who has never had sex... before you can really guarantee that.
 
Who gives a fuck.

She's a female and other men have had their dick in her before you, I'm sure you knew this already so what has changed?

If you're in love then I don't see why this would bother you, I hope you manage to get your head round whatever it is that's bothering you though.
 
llama112 said:
But if you're not okay with someone having unprotected sex then good luck in dating. You're going to have to find someone who has never dated anyone before... or at least someone who has never had sex... before you can really guarantee that.
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Huh? I thought this issue was that she had an abortion. :? And most people that don't want to become pregnant use some sort of birth control. Am I missing something here?
 
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