Yesterday I felt healthier and was more fit in general than I have been, now that the winter is over and I've been able to do a small amount of walking in the sun and basic exercise.
People started to bug me about my height again, so I guess I was giving off less icky vibes and looked healthier. It's fucking annoying when every other place you go has people asking you how tall you are, but I can see that people think it's a combination of a positive trait and a sports thing, and that the public thinks that it is a totally acceptable thing to ask someone throughout the day while they are buying a coffee, or grocery shopping, or at the movies with family. But it usually happens much more often when I'm relatively healthy and not giving off sick or anxious vibes/appearance.
Yesterday happened when buying coffee, and at the hospital. Both were employees and both shouted it out like a public thing.
Have had major self-image issues since my heart surgeries and complete loss of health/fitness and that combined with lack of social interaction(for 12 years!) has opened the door to being super anxious in basic public situations like grocery shopping or something. I used to be a good athlete and was social and confident up to the point of my heart surgeries.
Yesterday I got into a zone where it was like I was in a video game. I really didn't care at all about the other people around me at the hospital or the grocery store. I had zero anxiety. I could have gone up to 100 hot women and kicked game, and even if 99 rejected me, it wouldn't have affected the last attempt. (lol i probably should have done that doh!).
It wasn't like I was acting out and swaggering around like a douche or something, I was just being myself, but I was focused and anxiety-free. Several people glanced at me almost like a double-take (I'm assuming the annoying height related stuff) but I didn't want to disappear and it didn't make me go into self-image problem mode.
I was just like fuck it "i'm in a video game" "accomplish the next goal". It felt super positive, like a breakthrough. I'm sure psych doctors would call it "derealization" or sociopathic coping or whatever. To me it was amazing. I can go back into video game mode whenever I want. It's like I'm the terminator or playing grand theft auto or whatever (minus the violence and stuff). I'm free from worrying about how random social environments perceive or accept me. I'm free from my own self image problems. I think I just beat my anxiety issues.
