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Addiction

ScotchMist

ScotchMist

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Whats everyones take on this??

Is it an illness, a disease? Is that just a cop out for weak minded people who lack in self control?

Are we all capable of addiction or is just an unfortunate bunch that suffer?

I've got loads of questions I keep asking myself and kkeep going round in circles.. Im currently waiting to see a counsellor, a private one away from the drug treatment place I use..

I think im suffering with depression, I cant figure out if the drugs are making me depressed or if im depressed and self medicating with drugs to paper over the cracks...! Its costing me dearly now and I admit defeat, I can't beat this on my own, ive been to proud to admit it until now, I want to be a "man" about it, be tough and strong. Turns out im a scared, weak boy.

My girlfriend has finally had it with me, this person is the love of my life, im heartbroken. She doesnt understand, and why should she?? She thinks im skipping around having a wonderful time consuming drugs, in truth im mopping around miserable taking drugs because I know no other way to deal with my feelings. From her point of view I can imagine it does look like im just been a selfish prick and taking drugs because I just want to. Im most definitely a prick and selfish but im not taking drugs because I want to, its a compulsion that I cant control, for the majority of the time anyway.

Ive lost my house, my love, I havent lost my children as they will always be mine but I have lost waking up in the same house and been a permanent part of their lives, it fuckin rips me to peices.

What a mess. Ive thrown it all away for nothing.

Dont know why ive started this, just needed to vent it somewhere....

So.... ADDICTION.... what a cunt...

Discuss
 
Illness, probably all capable, and i know the cycle of depression and drugs etc, hard to get out of... downward spiral... used to patch over anxiety with booze etc... infact still do... certain substances just make it all worse

Sorry to hear about your misses etc :(
 
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Straights will never understand Scotchmist mate. The amount of times I heard the phrase "just stop taking it" I could punch someone.

I could write an essay but I wont I just wanted to say how sorry I am you lost your missus and family. I burnt a lot of bridges in my time using drugs. Some I will never repair but I'm grateful for what I managed to save.

Drugs. Are they worth it?

Strength and love to you Scotchmist. <3
 
Yeah decent fucking thread

It's such a tricky one. I've got so many positive things from certain drugs, but i can't deny the negatives. Alchohol and cocaine are two substances right up front that I want no more part of, especially alcohol because of the terrible things i've done. Cocaine, because i got better things to do than think about cocaine all day, not to mention spending every last penny i had at that time.

Addiction is a tricky one. I was reading one of David Nutt's book's, a recent one called "Drugs: without the hot air" and it details something very interesting about addiction. As we all no whatever the substance in question no one is hooked from day one. But the interesting point is the cross over. Basically, becoming addicted to a drug entails making the transition from a conscious decision to put a particular substance in your body to the alternative and horrible state where you are on autopilot. Your brain habitutally makes the decision to take said drug. There's researchers out there trying to pin all this down more specifically in terms of neural model etc.. but this point really resonated with me.
 
Cheers guys..

Ive a glimer of hope that we can be a family again, im hoping my actions are going to do the talking instead of my bullshit excuses that usually just dribble out of my mouth..

Its time to start being honest, and with myself mainly. Its the lies that have brought my house of cards come crashing down, not the drugs so much. She just can't trust me and whats a relationship without trust. I can't even be honest with myself, my brain just automatically starts telling itself shite just so it can find a way to get its drugs.

Yeah theres been good times on drugs, ive learnt from drugs, those times ended years ago, theyre just detrimental to everything now, toxic to me and anyone close.

Are they worth it... I used to think so, not any more, if I could do it again I wouldnt ever pick a drug up.
 
ScotchMist said:
Are they worth it... I used to think so, not any more, if I could do it again I wouldnt ever pick a drug up.
Click to expand...

I feel you man. I look back at the last ten years so many times and think what i might have achieve, and or become.

At the same time, i have personally made battling addiction my primary focus since the out set and i've had some success with this i think.
I like what bob monk house said about breathing teachnigues and mediation. These have been key to me. It is these very method's that have helped me seek the "truth"/ "honesty" that i believe you are striving for scotchmist. However, i may be the biggest hypocrite without knowing it. For me consciousness and truth etc... work a bit like a rear view mirror. You only see what and why you have done what you have done long afer the events themselves. I'm heavily into a scientist / top human being called Robert Triver's who has made it his mission over the last 30 years or so to investigate "seld deception". I try to learn what i can from his talks and books etc.. and i feel this has helped me on my path in life.
 
Im glad you did reply MrFunk, great post...:) you to Swarm, ill look up this top fellow Trivers..!

The thing is, ive achieved quite alot whilst been a drug addict, I guess im whats called a "functioning addict", whatever that means, I dont feel like im functioning, im just good at putting a mask on... I've never suffered severe consequences, until now, and the rugs been well and truly pulled from under my feet.

Im seeking help anyway, hopefully I can turn things around, if I can put as much effort into getting well as I do drugs then I should be well on the way. Just going to take some time and determination, Christ knows im desperate. Fuckin scared to be honest.
 
Well mate, i can't say i recognise you all that much, even though you have a good few posts under your belt. One thing i can see, just speaking personally is that i feel you're in the right place. PM me anytime, should you feel the want. The point is we've all been there and done that, to a certain extent. Obviously, I'm not gonna come out with any garbage about us all having trodden the same paths etc.. but it sounds to me that you may be in a particularly low mood right now. This is the place to get a a friendly pick me up of the "understanding" variety, as opposed to the drugs variety. Everyone's different, some hold it in and don't like to bother others when they're down. I can be a bit like that. As it happens the last couple of months and the next two look objecectively to filled with nothing but rot but I've found my inner peace and right now feel solid as a rock and always have time to lend an ear.

Don't be a stranger. Don't let shit blow up in your mind bigger than it is. If it is that bad then this too can one day be your be your best friend. Personally, I've been to low's that's lower than anyone can go in terms of depression etc.. not to mention some things hanging on my conscious from over 10 years ago back when i was a drunk. Just don't feel alone and know that you got a family right here man.
 
Thats appreciated Swarm.. I'll probably drop you a PM soon, feeling pretty alone at the moment so I'm sure some comfort can be drawn from folk familiar with how im feeling. Sorry to hear you're not having the best of times, good to know you've found ways of dealing with them and finding peace, maybe I could learn a bit from you. The only rest bite I get from the pain is sleep and im not to good at that at the minute.

Take care bro, im off to get some peace :)
 
Addiction inb my eyes and true addiction that is, is being hooked a on a substance you need to take daily in order to feel 'normal' and without it you have will suffer w/d symoptons.
 
The problem you are having is that people that havnt been addicted like your GF just cannot emphathize with your addiction because they have never experinced it. If she had then she would cut you slack. People just dont realize how much an addiction can control someone and you cant just stop. If they were in the same posistion they would soon learn
 
Dark Side said:
The problem you are having is that people that havnt been addicted like your GF just cannot emphathize with your addiction because they have never experinced it. If she had then she would cut you slack. People just dont realize how much an addiction can control someone and you cant just stop. If they were in the same posistion they would soon learn
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So what youre saying is I should get her on the smack ASAP ;)

Ive just spent the morning with my kids, was great until she woke up, ive had to leave, to upsetting which then conjours up feelings I cant handle which in turn makes me wamt to use... You would of thought after 15 years id of gotten the hang of this wouldnt you... :(

@ditp - I do suffer withdrawls, but I certainly dont see addiction as only been a real or valid one if it makes you sick...! Addiction is in the mind, I can do a rattle standing on my head playing the ukulele now, however I still haven't got to grasps with my head....


Ooooorrrrffffff with his head.....!
 
Addiction is something that about 5-10% of the population might be vulnerable to. I think the myth is that everyone is vulnerable to it. I can drink a glass of wine every day for the next 20 years and be fine. George Best probably couldn't.

Take it day to day scotch mist, don't let everything overwhelm you at once. Got any psychedelics to hand to brighten the day at all?
 
Ismene said:
Addiction is something that about 5-10% of the population might be vulnerable to. I think the myth is that everyone is vulnerable to it. I can drink a glass of wine every day for the next 20 years and be fine. George Best probably couldn't.

Take it day to day scotch mist, don't let everything overwhelm you at once. Got any psychedelics to hand to brighten the day at all?
Click to expand...
Thanks Ismene, its a little hard not to get overwhelmed.

My previous battles have only involved me and little else, this time around I have a Mrs, two kids, mortgage, two cars a job etc etc, I cant just ignore these things unfortunately so all of that coupled with the battle in my head is making my head explode.

Finished off the last of my DMT unfortunately. I do have some LSD to hand, which I very nearly took this morning, its Mothers day though so I thought best left alone. Im not in a fit mental state today either. Once a bit more stable later on in the week I may consider it. All 450ug of it ;)

( and stop shaking your head Raas, sometimes answers can be found in drugs, the right ones anyway )
 
Ah yes, the functioning addict. Addiction has no boundaries and doesn't care where or what a person comes from. ANYONE is open season. (in my opinion)

Good thread. Hope your doing alright.

Feeling R o u g h myself at the moment so I hope this doesn't come off too oddly. (decade of opiates, reducing them again over last weeks, feeling the hurt now man)

Sorry to read your sweetheart be a fed up and the homestead be missing your presence; this, hopefully is temporary. Reckon she may come round once your back and by back I mean, all you again. i hope so.
There's a resonating factor with your story that is relatable and real. I hope you find the strength you need; Man I hope we all find it. btw, where do we find it? Is that an inside thing? F__.

But your question, something to do with wondering if so called strong people with super will power have any better a chance of kicking a habit?
Well, I don't know.
I thought I was strong. I am not. Not when it comes to this. Other stuff, no problem. This?, I be a weakling. I go it alone; my family knows not of what I endure, nor does my sweetheart. I still keep it to myself. I have shared a little info but not the full magnitude.
Before, in the early a.m when I was attempting to simply reduce them so I'd miss a dose before bedtime and wake up with my body screaming at me, 'It' ripped me apart to leave my sweetheart in bed, sneak down the stairs and hit my stash of meds, telling myself hey the doc. gave me these for better quality of life, so.... ya well so what. The pain they've caused is worse than the pain they were prescribed for and now, they be stuck in me on a cellular level. Miss a dose, pay for it dearly.
So there I'd be waiting for relief while my sweetheart sleeps, oblivious to the battle going on beneath him. and it's going on right now.

I hope you get your Family back all under the same roof again man. Best wishes to you and yours.

ubi

I have no advice for you.
But reading your first post offered me some so thanks for that.
 
Hey ubi, sorry to hear you're suffering. Hope that eases up sometime sooner rather than later.. glad some of what I said 'spoke' to you, not sure what advice I offered in my OP but you're more than welcome. I could of sworn it was me just wallowing in self pity..!

Yeh, the justification you come up with to use can be ridiculous to down right crazy.... thats what keeps us addicts though I guess, those delusional voices of reason.

I hope I can get back what ive lost, I hope I can give back what ive taken away also. Theres plenty more to lose though so now is time to get off before its catastrophic.! Easy said than done after so many years but if I ever needed a reason this is it..!

Its been a rough old day, alot of tears shed, anger, despair, fear... ill be glad to get my head down on the pillow.

All the best Ubi and good luck :)
 
I think there are genetic pre-dispositions. I personally struggle. Made such a concerted effort to eliminate the booze, touch wood coming on 2 years without being a drunk. However seem to have sleepwalked into ever increasing etizolam habitual usage and maintained codeine. I hope that it will work itself out.

I lost a lot over the decade or so of binge drinking. Have had to try and build confidences again. Still can't help feeling like a bit of a fraud on a 10mg a day eitzolam habit and my CWE's.

I only really logged on today to read the tributes to the horrendous waste of life that has occurred in recent times.

I don't know all, or any, of the answers. But at least removing alcohol has helped me to achieve some stability and reined in the chaos.

That is a start. But I don't know if this road ever ends.

Best of luck Scotchmist, and the rest who paddle the same canoe
 
ScotchMist said:
All 450ug of it ;)
Click to expand...

I've had a couple of deaths in the family recently scotch and I've been tripping every saturday for about a month now. Just to straighten out my brain and give me a break from lingering on despair like I do the rest of the week. Al-lad is particularly good for making you feel positive. It's pure lysergic sunshine. I'd give the LSD a try at a lower dose - just to add a bit of sparkle throughout the day. I must admit for all the searching for an answer I've done through all the various systems of thought the only one that really works for me is the psychedelic path. Taken at judicious intervals I think psychedelics can help you through the depths of despair like nothing else.
 
Something I've always wondered about is the difference between being an addict wanting to stop and an addict who is happy with their use. For example, I use ket all the time (between weekly and daily) and would consider myself an addict, but I like my habit and have no intention of stopping it. Same with weed I guess. Am I just an habitual user instead of an addict then?
 
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