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My personal S.O.S.....

somnilicious

somnilicious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Messages
3,219
Location
Orlando, Fl
I have been through 15yrs of addiction to heroin, methadone and benzos. I cut out the latter two on New Years but I have used the former with enough frequency to still have some tough withdrawal. I have been here enough to know what this is all about but my withdrawals have taken on a nightmarish overtone because I witnessed the overdose death of my girlfriend years ago. This has been haunting me for some time but now that I have gotten off methadone and benzos this and every death, wrong or indiscretion I ever committed or witnessed has been weighing me down like an ankle ball. I know it is a bit pathetic but I really just need some sympathy. I am going to be kicking while working out of town and I could really just use some support. I appreciate any responses and I will update.

If anybody else trying to get rid of this insidious addiction wants to jump in we could use this as a day to day call for help or log of progress.
 
Somnilicious, I can imagine that you will have quite a lot to deal with the more you clear your head. Try not to be afraid of it. When you have to face old trauma--and seeing your girlfriend overdose is certainly a trauma--it's bound to bring up so many emotions. I know that the main one will be guilt. Remorse is something you may always feel but guilt will bog you down and pull you back under.

Check out the support group that has formed within the March (Soon to be April) Staying Clean thread in SL. You can use that as a check-in as well.

I'm glad you reached out for support. <3
 
Good luck man! I know it's gonna be hard but you can do it. 15yrs is a long time, that's like 3/4 of my life, but you can do it. I'm a little confused on exactly what your kicking, I'm guessing it's the heroin. Opiates suck to come off but I think being away and stuff will help. I stayed home with trigger objects and shit everywhere. It was hard but I'm 16 days clean from a 4yr oxycodone and heroin use.
 
I had one of my best and oldest friends OD in the midst of our opiate years. I still to this day dont think I actually dealt with it as just the thought of him at times still brings tears to my eyes. I belive the benzo abuse is definatly making the situation worse. I have had depression since puberty and the opiate abuse made it worse. I was put on venlaxafine two months before I quit and this time around the depression is much less of a symptom.
I have tried to quit without the aid of an SSRI/SNRI and I defiantly recommend the SNRI for the depression associated with PAWS.
Lately I have been kind of a evangelist of this idea.

Something you may want to consider even if it would be for a few months to help you deal with the PAWS and confront the emotions you have been numbing.

I feel for ya and hope the weight dosint pull you back into the addiction.
Good for you for deciding to quit.
 
On top of all this I feel like an intrinsic part of me is missing. I feel so inadequate and insecure. It is as if I am walking around naked.
 
ExInMil said:
I had one of my best and oldest friends OD in the midst of our opiate years. I still to this day dont think I actually dealt with it as just the thought of him at times still brings tears to my eyes. I belive the benzo abuse is definatly making the situation worse. I have had depression since puberty and the opiate abuse made it worse. I was put on venlaxafine two months before I quit and this time around the depression is much less of a symptom.
I have tried to quit without the aid of an SSRI/SNRI and I defiantly recommend the SNRI for the depression associated with PAWS.
Lately I have been kind of a evangelist of this idea.

Something you may want to consider even if it would be for a few months to help you deal with the PAWS and confront the emotions you have been numbing.

I feel for ya and hope the weight dosint pull you back into the addiction.
Good for you for deciding to quit.
Click to expand...

Sorry about your loss. I have lost so many friends to this addiction that it is almost as if I have an entire audience watching me shake in bed. I can hear their voices like a haunting wind in the night.
I have thought about giving wellbutrin another try because it helped my sister deal with a mild drinking problem.

I truly appreciate all the responses I have received. You guys are the light in all the specters that are currently haunting me.
 
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Oxy_Ghost said:
Good luck man! I know it's gonna be hard but you can do it. 15yrs is a long time, that's like 3/4 of my life, but you can do it. I'm a little confused on exactly what your kicking, I'm guessing it's the heroin. Opiates suck to come off but I think being away and stuff will help. I stayed home with trigger objects and shit everywhere. It was hard but I'm 16 days clean from a 4yr oxycodone and heroin use.
Click to expand...

That is great Oxy_Ghost. I wish I could go back to your age when I was probably in a similar situation and put this madness in reverse. You have an opportunity that is better than winning the lottery. That sounds ridiculous but that is honestly how I feel about my addiction. I would rather have back what it is I had than have a million dollars.
 
somnilicious said:
That is great Oxy_Ghost. I wish I could go back to your age when I was probably in a similar situation and put this madness in reverse. You have an opportunity that is better than winning the lottery. That sounds ridiculous but that is honestly how I feel about my addiction. I would rather have back what it is I had than have a million dollars.
Click to expand...

Oh yeah I feel the same way. Even though it's only been a few years, I don't remember what it was like to have never touched drugs before and id give anything to go back and tell myself "don't fucking do it dumbass, your life is gonna be fucked up". But what's done is done, just gotta move on now
 
I wish you courage to be able to get off the needle. Remember, one day at a time. Bless.
 
getting close to 40hrs dope sick and just got home from work. I am proud that I made myself get out to the site and get physical while also getting some sun and I actually feel O.k. I got to enjoy the open road and good music. The key is to make yourself do stuff even if the thought seems repulsing. Chances are once you get out and feel the warm day and breeze on your face life will feel like an open road. Today was a good day...... Now to keep moving.

Thanks Subutex.... you seem to have some self esteem issues just like I do. I have lost a lot of weight and I still look young for my age but I don't look healthy and my teeth are also so full of cavitities. It is enough to put my seemingly healthy looking teeth in a lot of danger because the cavities are so numerous and wide spread. Lets just say I am long way from my homecoming court highschool days early 20's. Even though my perceived appearance is enough to make me shy from people it is this social anxiety that holds me back from being the charismatic person that I know I am. Simple things are difficult and I am slow and anxious. This is to be expected I just have to throw myself in stay busy and fake it till I make it. Cliché but it seems to work.

-Somni
 
Goo music and driving always helped me when I was going through withdrawals. Idk what it is about driving but I makes me feel so much better
 
Oxy_Ghost said:
Goo music and driving always helped me when I was going through withdrawals. Idk what it is about driving but I makes me feel so much better
Click to expand...

I went from Florida to Alaska with a trucking buddy of mine. It was the best kick of my life. Just the open road and my ipad. I didn't even care about sleeping in a small truck cab for three weeks.
 
Damn that's a hell of a trip, but a great time to kick an addiction. My fiancé went to a rehab and she was the one supporting out habit so it was a good time for me to quit too cuz I didn't have money to get anything even if I wanted to use haha
 
Oxy_Ghost said:
Goo music and driving always helped me when I was going through withdrawals. Idk what it is about driving but I makes me feel so much better
Click to expand...

That's funny man, now that you mention it, I remember feeling better when I was driving too (Car, not golf). I think its a sense of accomplishment, or a sense of getting up and doing something.
 
ExInMil said:
That's funny man, now that you mention it, I remember feeling better when I was driving too (Car, not golf). I think its a sense of accomplishment, or a sense of getting up and doing something.
Click to expand...

Yeah it's weird. It would always make my RLS feel better. But usually when I was dope sick and drivin was when I was headed to he my next fix so that might have something to do with it too. But even now that I've been sober, it still makes it feel better. I still got RLS and I went to see my fiancé at rehab today and driving down there made me feel better.
 
Haha, yeah I didnt mean going to go pick up. Going to go pick up makes you feel much better. The anticipation is great, thats a high in itself.
 
somnilicious said:
On top of all this I feel like an intrinsic part of me is missing. I feel so inadequate and insecure. It is as if I am walking around naked.
Click to expand...

When you are most vulnerable you are open to change. Have faith that what you are going through--the uncomfortable feelings--are leading somewhere and trust the journey through them. I know that sounds like a load of crap8) but I could not be more sincere. Examine your feelings of inadequacy. Where do they come from? What keeps them fed? You are not crazy for feeling this way--our whole economic system is built on making you feel this way!
 
somnilicious said:
getting close to 40hrs dope sick and just got home from work. I am proud that I made myself get out to the site and get physical while also getting some sun and I actually feel O.k. I got to enjoy the open road and good music. The key is to make yourself do stuff even if the thought seems repulsing. Chances are once you get out and feel the warm day and breeze on your face life will feel like an open road. Today was a good day...... Now to keep moving.

Thanks Subutex.... you seem to have some self esteem issues just like I do. I have lost a lot of weight and I still look young for my age but I don't look healthy and my teeth are also so full of cavitities. It is enough to put my seemingly healthy looking teeth in a lot of danger because the cavities are so numerous and wide spread. Lets just say I am long way from my homecoming court highschool days early 20's. Even though my perceived appearance is enough to make me shy from people it is this social anxiety that holds me back from being the charismatic person that I know I am. Simple things are difficult and I am slow and anxious. This is to be expected I just have to throw myself in stay busy and fake it till I make it. Cliché but it seems to work.

-Somni
Click to expand...

Well it sounds like we have a few things in common, I can definitely relate to social anxiety problems. Good job on getting some sun, during withdrawals last summer, I'd literally spend like 6-10 hours a day outside in the warm sun, listening to some music, having a few "Make me feel better" drinks, smoking some weed (I wasn't working at that time) and the sun helped with the cold sweats a lot and it also just generally helped a decent amount with the depression too. I'd definitely recommend getting as much sun as you can. Hope you're still doing good!
 
ExInMil said:
Haha, yeah I didnt mean going to go pick up. Going to go pick up makes you feel much better. The anticipation is great, thats a high in itself.
Click to expand...

Yeah I just meant driving in general, wether it be to pick up or just go for a drive or whatever haha. I'm just sayin that it would make me feel even better when I was going to pick up haha
 
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