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The concept of over-exposure in relationships (specifically mine, in this case)

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Sep 19, 2006
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I'm interested in your opinions concerning the idea of over-exposure in relationships.

Let me offer you a story: I dated this girl for a year. It was great, really great. But, after we'd both told each other our feelings for each other were stronger than they'd every been for somebody else, and we decided to see each other on a near-daily basis, I grew quickly tired of seeing her. Is this regular human-nature? I slowly grew apathetic, and subconsciously blew-up the relationship, to the point where we hated each other. We called it off, I moved to another city, months passed. Fast forward a few months...

We end up seeing each other, the same feelings (of love) linger. We make it a point to only see each other once or twice a week. We text maybe once every couple days. This has been going on for almost three months, and it is amazing. No fighting. Fucking amazing sex. Everything is great.

The questions is, how do people keep this up in long term relationships? This girl seems to be 'The One', but in small doses. Is there some way to live like this, long-term, or do you simply marry somebody and get sick of them and never fuck, but have kids, because that's what you're supposed to do?

Is there something wrong with me because I can't stand somebody after seeing them everyday for a month straight?

Any insight into this matter would be extremely helpful.
 
Think about how many married couples fight all the time, yet still remain together.

That is an oversimplification, but I notice it often enough to think that it is fairly common.
 
I'm the same. I need a lot more space than most people seem to understand or are willing to give. I don't plan on marrying, and I'd like to keep moving from place to place if I can. Maybe you're worried that this kind of thing can't work long term, but it's different strokes for you know... And maybe your girl feels the same way. If not, she might pressure you later and the relationship will blow again. Sacrifices. I guess you have to weigh out what's the most important for you. My freedom and space are currently my top priority, but maybe later I'll give in and become somebody's contractual slave(marriage), living with them day in and day out 8).
 
An ex and I decided that we needed living space enough to be away from each other for hours at a time.

I think that is a workable compromise.

Looking back on it, I think we were platonic lovers for life with different interests. He was a bit more narcissistic and dependent on a reflection than myself.


I guess that made me the man in the relationship, even though he paid the bills and I did all the housework.

I don't know how "straight" people do it. I guess they do it for the children.


More on topic:

Finding that balance in a long term relationship is about knowing yourself, and also happening to be with someone whose values are more in alignment with your own.

I'm still hoping to be able to pick up the search again soon, but YOU know that work and trying to make a little scratch always gets in the way.
 
Over-exposure always hurts (it's very easy to focus on negatives), but if you actually like someone, seeing and talking to them daily never ceases being enjoyable. It will never be as exciting as those early OMIGOSHILIKEYOU feelings, but feelings aren't nearly as satisfying as the synergy when someone both genuinely knows, understands, and adores you.
By which I mean: Long term relationships aren't nearly as emotional, don't have nearly as much sex, but are more satisfying and enjoyable in a purely emotional sense, because they both acknowledge, accept, and venerate all the emotional/psychological aspects of who you are, with full knowledge and no fantasies or idealized perspectives getting in the way.
Plenty of emotion, but nothing is runaway or unconfirmed. That's the ideal. And I'm not sure many people get there, but it's a nice place to be.
 
^ Yea...even if it's the norm, I don't think your goal should be to fight with your (possibly future) wife all the time.

Couples stay together under one roof for the kids, if anything. It's psychologically important that children have both their mother and father figures around as often as possible. It doesn't matter if the dad's in jail, is out shooting up in the alley, or is at another house he has to get away from his wife - an absent father is an absent fucking father. At least that's the main reason I can think of for explaining why couples should live together...it's for the children...as cliche as that obviously sounds.

If no kids are involved, though, I really don't get what the issue is here...except that spending money on two places to live means that you're spending money on two places to live, lol - when you're married, your finances are directly linked to each other, and I'm PRETTY SURE that you'll want to save the money. At least I would.
 
LeftAndLeft said:
Over-exposure always hurts (it's very easy to focus on negatives), but if you actually like someone, seeing and talking to them daily never ceases being enjoyable. It will never be as exciting as those early OMIGOSHILIKEYOU feelings, but feelings aren't nearly as satisfying as the synergy when someone both genuinely knows, understands, and adores you.
By which I mean: Long term relationships aren't nearly as emotional, don't have nearly as much sex, but are more satisfying and enjoyable in a purely emotional sense, because they both acknowledge, accept, and venerate all the emotional/psychological aspects of who you are, with full knowledge and no fantasies or idealized perspectives getting in the way.
Plenty of emotion, but nothing is runaway or unconfirmed. That's the ideal. And I'm not sure many people get there, but it's a nice place to be.
Click to expand...

I think I'm beginning to feel that way, certainly more than I was before our break. I find myself looking at her and thinking that she's basically me; like we're that close emotionally, that looking into her eyes is in a way, seeing myself.

We still have plenty of sex-- actually, much better sex now that she isn't on birth control.

I don't know, maybe I'm actually ready to do this with her, for the long-term, without the drama and emotional anxiety...
 
Captain.Heroin said:
and are so self-deprecating that they are surprised that someone is actually willing to marry them in the first place, so they don't take two seconds to look back.
Click to expand...

I'd say there is definitely truth in this, too.

I had a lot of issues sexually, until I was in my mid-20's. A number of partner's left me or cheated on me because I wasn't capable of sex at that point (sounds retarded, but yeah...). Even though I have a healthy sex life now, those experiences have left their mark on me, and I have some trust issues. I'm working through those right now, getting a little better, slowly.

So yeah.... relationships... complicated things!
 
I'm an introvert so the 24/7 joined at the hip thing never works out well... unless it's that phase where we're madly lusting and having sex all the time, then I'm cool with it. Once the drug effect of the relationship wears off and you're dealing with a non-idealized character, then being around them all the time can get a little trying.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
That's because most peopel are ballless, settle for way too little, and are so self-deprecating that they are surprised that someone is actually willing to marry them in the first place, so they don't take two seconds to look back.
Click to expand...

I don't think that's true. I don't think anyone that lives with another person is going to get along 100% of the time. And not just coming from a relationship perspective. But just because a couple fights now and then doesn't mean they don't love each other. And of course I'm just talking verbally here. There's no excuse for domestic abuse.
 
Some people are fine seeing each other hours every day, and it works great in a relationship. Other people aren't. Neither way is "wrong". My boyfriend and I have been together almost four years, we've been living together for almost two years. We live in a two bedroom apartment, he has his room/office and I have the living room, we are not always together. I work like 50 hours a week too so I'm hardly ever home (he works a lot as well but he works from home). Neither of us would be able to thrive in a relationship where we were together all the time. We spend our weekends mostly together but we don't really see each other during the week. Living together has changed our relationship, yes. But how much do we fight? Ummm like maybe a little argument once a week? Probably not even that. We have small arguments a couple times a month I guess.

My point is, every is different, you have to figure out what's right for you. My bf and I have found what's right for us. If what's right for you is seeing each other a couple times a week, then that's fine. If the relationship continues and you end up in a more serious relationship, living together, etc., then you've gotta find a balance there. You don't have to be together all the time. You aren't going to be home all the time. It may take time to figure out how but, if you want it to work, you'll figure it out :)
 
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