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I think I'm finally taking this seriously...but I need some help.

I used last week. I'm back to seven days now without using. I had a horrible urge to use today, but this morning when I woke up, I went downstairs and before I could think too much, took my suboxone. By the time the urge hit, which ironically, was during my IOP group, I knew that shooting up would have no effect, and I can't take it over the weekend or else it'll show up on my Tuesday drug screen. I was INCREDIBLY lucky that nothing showed up in my Tuesday drug test this past week. I could have been suspended from the program. I already dealt with the self-loathing that came with using that day, and now that the fear of being caught is over, I don't want to feel it again.
I made it through the urge today, which I'm happy about, even though it was hell at the time. Usually when the urge gets that bad, I give in as soon as I have the chance. Instead, thanks to the suboxone, I used the money I would have spent on dope, on two new pairs of pants, which will last me MUCH longer than a bundle.
 
Fourteen days now. Next week, I'll likely be able to afford another three-month supply of contact lenses due to the money I've saved. Actually, I need to check out stuff other than my optometrist to see if there's cheaper places to order them from.
Fridays were always a trigger since I get paid then. Instead of using, I treat myself. Today, I bought a bunch of Cadbury Mini-Eggs, and a medium pizza all for myself. Then I went to this bar with a ton of old-school arcade machines with a (cute) guy I recently met. The place is heaven for most people in their 30s, especially if they ever played a lot of video games as a child.
Suboxone replaces the opiate, but treating myself replaces the "high", in a sense. Next week, I'll probably buy myself a book. In a couple of months, I'm hoping to save up for a big-screen TV.
 
Almost at 16 days now. I completed my IOP, and the counselor there will be writing a letter for me to give to the judge for my hearing. On Tuesday, I will ask the folks at the suboxone clinic if somebody can write a letter as well. That will document my sober time, which has been good. I did lie about my lapse, so on paper, it'll say I was clean for two months by the time the hearing happens. I feel kinda shitty about that, but I don't want probation. And it's not like I'm gonna keep relapsing all the time. I'm a lot more serious about this than I was before.
When my parents first found out about my opiate addiction, I went through the motions of treatment, so they'd give me my car keys back and leave me the fuck alone. Had I been living at my own place independently, I may have just told them to fuck off and start avoiding them.
Since I got summoned to court and started examining my life last fall, I've been serious. More serious than I was all the other times. Before, my effort was simply to not use as much, but when heroin came into the picture last spring, that all went out the window.
I had to deal with heroin dreams last week, but they've passed. Right now, I'm actually feeling pretty good. Now it's time to continue my "Bones" marathon on Netflix. :)
 
^Another Netflix addict! lol I can't wait for Orange is the New Black tbh and congrats too on your 16 days ;)
 
Ugh…I've been doing pretty well with the cravings, but they instantly reappeared a few minutes ago when a guy I'd gone out on a date with just told me he felt no chemistry between us. Obviously, I had. My first thought was "Not gonna cry…", and the second was of heroin.
I still can't take setbacks without immediately thinking about heroin. I already took my first suboxone for the day, but I couldn't help but hope that my probation with the clinic would end today when I go there, and that I would only need to pee in a cup once a week again.
I've never been able to take disappointment well. Last summer when I was passed over for a promotion at work, right after I found out, I got on the highway and went straight to cop. And this was a week after I'd suffered some ill effects off of a few bags I'd snorted and had to be taken to the hospital.
What the hell am I supposed to do when this kind of shit happens?
 
Nocturne83 said:
I've been on a suboxone program for the past few weeks now, but I've always lapsed every week. Right now, I'm on 12 mg a day, and I've managed to stay clean for an entire week. The past couple of days have been difficult, but I've managed to fight the temptation. Maybe because I'm doing an intensive outpatient program and getting random drug tests. But even then, they'll at least forgive me if I'm honest with them, the way I've been with the suboxone people.
I'm most worried that I'll simply use again on Tuesday, when I re-up my subs. If I use on Tuesday, I'll have more than enough time to get the heroin out of my system before the suboxone people drug-test me. Still, I'd like to make it for more than 10 measly days. That seems to be the longest I can go, subs or no subs. I'm told I'm not even giving the subs enough time to take effect.
Every time I drive home from work or wherever, I'm tempted to pull into the city where I get my dope, and into the ghetto. My counselor told me to do something good to myself. Eat a good breakfast or whatever. Guess I'll start with some toast tomorrow and see where that takes me. Maybe an apple for a snack(I've been slacking off on my apple a day habit).
What do other people do to fight off the cravings?
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Hiya Nocturne,

When you first go on suboxone it takes time to stabilise on it. So when you first go on it, you may still experience cravings for awhile. People tend to differ in opinion as to what dose a person should have before it starts blocking cravings and before it just gets rid of physical withdrawals. In my opinion, I think this is because people react differently to drugs so no one person's experience will be the same with suboxone, maybe similar, but not necessarily the same.

For instance, I had a codeine addiction. I was given 8 mg. I still had intense cravings, ended up drinking heavily due to this until I eventually had it increased to 12 mg where things are a lot better. There are people with heavy Heroin addictions and feel that 4 mg is enough for them and works perfectly fine. So I'm afraid it's all trial and error. You have to give your suboxone time and if in a while you are still craving then it's best to discuss this with your service and see if they can increase it or refer you to counselling (if you want this) where you can work through why you are craving and still using.

Suboxone is just one tool to aid addiction and not a "miracle drug" that so many wish/want/expect it to be. I think that's why a lot of people are let down by it and criticise it so heavily.

If you want to discuss more about suboxone; dosage and so forth; there is a Suboxone Mega Thread in the sub-forum; 'Other Drugs,' where people with first hand experience will be able to answer questions about it.

Please don't be hard on yourself if you relapse it's part of the process and what matters if that you learn from it n keep trying and that you are seeking help.

All the best,
Evey xxxx
 
I recently had to go to the doctor because of this nasty muscle pain I've been experiencing in my shoulders and neck, and a stiffness and pain in my legs. She now thinks it's an interaction between the suboxone and the celexa I've been taking for years. She and my psychiatrist asked me to briefly taper off the Celexa, and come back next week and let her know what's happened. They also drew blood.
However, I've been on the same dose of suboxone for the past six weeks now. It's only in the last couple weeks that the pain happened. I've also had jerky movements in my legs and back when I'm trying to relax or sleep. It's nothing that keeps me awake, but it's still something I've noticed since I've started taking subs altogether. Also, the clinic keeps noticing my liver functions are elevated. When I told my doctor that, she noted that when I had my physical in July, my liver was just fine. But she seems to be concerned that this could all lead to a seizure.
Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. I won't be at my peak the next four days I have to be at work, but I'd rather not have a seizure. I'm also scared that maybe I can't be on subs after all, and then I won't have them keeping me from using dope. OR, that it might be something completely unrelated, but bad nonetheless.
 
sounds like restless leg.. six weeks is a long time though.. may want to look up possible gaba depletion due to subs and clelexa.. could also be that you are in withdrawals because your sub dose is to low.. sorry you are feeling this way!! may want to add a little neurontin into the mix as this may take care of this and allow you to even lower your sub dose. watch out though as people who start taking the gaba before trying to detox off the opiates do not seem to benefit from them in detox as much as people who start them to contract detox.

EDIT: if a one dose trial of a benzo seems to help.. or a short course of gaba or an analog works i think you will have identified the issue
 
Nocturne83 said:
I recently had to go to the doctor because of this nasty muscle pain I've been experiencing in my shoulders and neck, and a stiffness and pain in my legs. She now thinks it's an interaction between the suboxone and the celexa I've been taking for years. She and my psychiatrist asked me to briefly taper off the Celexa, and come back next week and let her know what's happened. They also drew blood.
However, I've been on the same dose of suboxone for the past six weeks now. It's only in the last couple weeks that the pain happened. I've also had jerky movements in my legs and back when I'm trying to relax or sleep. It's nothing that keeps me awake, but it's still something I've noticed since I've started taking subs altogether. Also, the clinic keeps noticing my liver functions are elevated. When I told my doctor that, she noted that when I had my physical in July, my liver was just fine. But she seems to be concerned that this could all lead to a seizure.
Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. I won't be at my peak the next four days I have to be at work, but I'd rather not have a seizure. I'm also scared that maybe I can't be on subs after all, and then I won't have them keeping me from using dope. OR, that it might be something completely unrelated, but bad nonetheless.
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Awh I 'm sorry you're going through this xxxx
 
Day 24
The taper off my anti-depressant wound up being rather painless. My mood isn't that bad, and tomorrow's my "Friday" anyway, so the next three days after that will be low-stress. While I was work today, I realized what was causing the shoulder pains. Lately, I've been assigned to grab dirty cups off the conveyor belt leading to the dish room. Because it's busy when I do that, I have to raise my left arm, to grab the cup, place it in my right hand, and use my right arm to move it into the cup rack. Ergo, repetitive motion injury. My shoulders were in agony by the time lunch was over, but despite the pain, I was relieved. I'm not sick. The twitching and night sweats are probably regular side effects of suboxone, and I'm willing to simply deal with them if it means I'll be staying sober.
I'm looking for things to fill the vacuum that quitting drugs left. I just started getting into Chinese philosophy, by reading "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu. After I finish that, I'm going to get the Tao Te Ching. I also know that exercise releases those natural endorphins that recovering addicts just rave about. Now that my IOP is finished, I have time to do some morning yoga classes. My goal is to stick with that enough to get nice and limber, and switch to martial arts so I can add building strength to my workout, with the added bonus of being able to defend myself from physical danger.
One day at a time, though, right? So tomorrow, I'll call the yoga place my mom recommended. The day after that, I'll use the money I'd usually use for my fix, to take my first class.
 
^^ Awesome Nocturne! You're doing so great... I promise you that you won't regret doing Yoga! I started doing it a month ago, and it's really been a huge help. I wish I had started doing it when I first got sober...
 
I'm thinking that I might want to start off with Tai Chi(so I can work on physical balance, as mine has always been poor), and if that goes well, start taking jujitsu classes as well.
I want to break another addiction I've had for decades: junk food. But in order to do that, I need to try healthier foods. There's a lot of good-for-me stuff to eat that I've never even tried, like tofu, brown rice, and even broccoli. Since I work at a place that serves a lot of healthy food, I can take advantage and try a lot of stuff without spending a dime, or wasting any food if I truly don't like it.
Last time I made it to 25 days, I caved in and used. This will not happen today. I don't know where this sudden burst of motivation is coming from, but I'm going to take full advantage of it so long as it's still there.
If I ever go back to only being drug tested once a week, then I'll have a lot to worry about since I could easily just not take my sub on a Tuesday and use, knowing my urine would be clean in 7 days. But right now, I'm good, and I won't worry about the frequency of urine tests until the doctor actually SAYS they plan to only see me once a week.
 
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^^ It's this funny thing where, once our mind begins to clear and the drugs leave our system, the sane side of our brain is like "Wait, it might just be beneficial if i take care of my body and get healthy! What a concept!"

I'm going through it too. I've got a lot of the junk food out of my diet and started exercising. Main problem right now is I haven't cut processed carbs/white flour out of my diet yet, and I also don't eat nearly enough good.
 
Nocturne83 said:
I'm thinking that I might want to start off with Tai Chi(so I can work on physical balance, as mine has always been poor), and if that goes well, start taking jujitsu classes as well.
I want to break another addiction I've had for decades: junk food. But in order to do that, I need to try healthier foods. There's a lot of good-for-me stuff to eat that I've never even tried, like tofu, brown rice, and even broccoli. Since I work at a place that serves a lot of healthy food, I can take advantage and try a lot of stuff without spending a dime, or wasting any food if I truly don't like it.
Last time I made it to 25 days, I caved in and used. This will not happen today. I don't know where this sudden burst of motivation is coming from, but I'm going to take full advantage of it so long as it's still there.
If I ever go back to only being drug tested once a week, then I'll have a lot to worry about since I could easily just not take my sub on a Tuesday and use, knowing my urine would be clean in 7 days. But right now, I'm good, and I won't worry about the frequency of urine tests until the doctor actually SAYS they plan to only see me once a week.
Click to expand...

Because you're ready that's why. Before I lost under 5 stone in 2005 I had a weight problm n was in denial over it. Once ai decided I wanted to lose the weight there was going back n I had a determinism like no other. You are ready now to give the drugs n that's why YOU KNOW you won't cave. We are with you ok.

Evey xxxx
 
I'm going to borrow my mom's yoga equipment so I can take my first class on Thursday. On Friday, I'll try stir-fried brown rice with soy sauce(Friday is when I work next, so that's my opportunity to try it).
 
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