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Flirting with the idea

Plan of action: -act as if I am a true "new comer" at meetings again (example: taking suggestions given to new comers such as "90 meetings in 90 days" etc.)
-CALL my sponsor on a daily basis. CALL not text. (this is very important to me, and very historically been very difficult.)
-Be honest about my cravings and wanting to use, instead of just giving in and calling the dope man.
-Concentrate on my other interests such as clean eating and working out.
-Pick up my step guide, knock the dust off of it, and start my steps over....again.
-Positive self talk: when I feel like I am not "ok" just try to remind myself that "feelings aint facts" and that they do pass.

Underlying: Honestly have NO idea on this one case.. really. And as far as what I am doing with my time, I have two jobs.. one full time which is my career, and then a server/bartender job on the side. Any other free time spent at meetings or sleeping. Boyfriend is about to be released from dept of corrections.. so this will leave me less time alone.. which is good and bad, because he is an addict too. We have discussed our plan for relapse prevention.. and we have discussed and made sure we are on the same page as far as what we want in recovery and meetings, but at the same time realize we have to each work our own program.

And thank you Herbavore..it is the smallest things, like that comment, that give me just a little nudge of inspiration to carry on. Its silly sounding, that an ONLINE FORUM full of people that I have never met, saying simple, single comments to me can help me, but it really does. so thanks for that. :)
 
RedLeader said:
Ya, not to sound pessimistic, but if you really want to stay clean, you'll need to think about a specific plan for the case that your boyfriend relapses and tries to pull you down with him.
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Yeah that's what I was thinking. Often times partners cause each other to relapse.. and the dudes been away for a while, so she's been able to be clean on her own, but if he comes back and starts using again... So. Gotta be prepared for that possibility.
 
Yes, y'all are absolutely right.

I had two years clean.. and he was new in recovery... and he was relapsing.. and not soon after, I relapsed.. after TWO fucking years.

So. I am open to ideas.. cuz I really don't know. He say he wanna stay clean and plans to attend meetings and get sponsor and "be a part of" etc.. but you know how that goes. Any suggestions guys?
 
^^

Nothin you're gonna like. The only way he's gonna stay clean is if he wants it.. that's how it works. You can't stay straight for anybody but yourself. So, if he can't stay sober, at the end of the day, you're gonna have to walk away or be dragged back down.

Gotta think about yourself at some point. Hopefully that doesn't happen but... in my experience, junkie relationships like that almost never work.
 
Yep. You are absolutely right. I don't disagree. Ive been stressing out about this for this entire time. And Im still struggling to get clean. And I only have a few days left. ughhhhhhhh.

I dont wanna be the one to cause him to relapse. Ive already been in one junkie relationship and I know it doesn't work. I really don't want this one to turn out the same.

I told him that if we start getting high together, I would have to let him go
 
^^ I really hope it doesn't come to that delta but I'm super happy that you have come to the realization. It's just a fact that people who used together have an incredibly low chance of staying clean together. If one of you gets a cravings, the other is a lot more likely to say "yeah lets go use" then if it's somebody you aren't close to saying they have a craving.

There is just a really low success rate in general with people in recovery, and the chances of two people both staying sober are pretty low. Those chances go down even more when it's two people who used together that are also in a relationship still. And if I had to put my money on either of you, it would be on you because you know how to do this. Even if you feel like you've forgotten, you know how this works. You had two years. You've been here before and you've accomplished great things. Has this guy ever had two years sober since he got into drugs? I don't want to make you depressed or make you lose faith, but just please be prepared for the very real possibility that the choice between him and your sobriety will have to be made in the near future. It's a tough pill to swallow, believe me i know, I lost a girl I was with for 4.5 years at one point because we had been using drugs the entire time. No matter what, just put yourself first because this shit is life or death. Everytime you use is a risk of death. Every time you relapse is a VERY high chance of death. Look out for yourself delta. Stay strong. <3
 
deltakappamu said:
Yep. You are absolutely right. I don't disagree. Ive been stressing out about this for this entire time. And Im still struggling to get clean. And I only have a few days left. ughhhhhhhh.

I dont wanna be the one to cause him to relapse. Ive already been in one junkie relationship and I know it doesn't work. I really don't want this one to turn out the same.

I told him that if we start getting high together, I would have to let him go
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Yeah. Well it's good you are prepared for that possibility. A lot of people get in denial about that kind of stuff with the potential for their relationship to fail or relapsing together, etc. But, the truth is, is that it's a very very common occurrence.

So you're doing the smart thing. Obviously hope for the best... but prepare for the worst.
 
Well done in getting back on the horse, relapses happen, just don't let it become a reason to go right back to square one!

These dealers ain't your friends, they just want your money and the only reason they'll spot you through sickness is they don't want you breaking through the sickness and getting and staying clean!

I agree with others about getting a new number, new job if needed. When you ain't spending on dope, the second job might not even be needed for a while!! Once you show him you're deadly serious, he should hopefully back off and stop asking, just keep replying to his predatory offers with "don't you want to see me recovered, are you my friend or enemy!" - not that the guilt will bother him one bit as he just sees money vanishing!

With the partner thing, it may be an idea to look into co-dependent relationships and learn how to maintain a solid recovery.
 
Thanks for the response WantToBeReborn! I agree, the codependent thing is very good idea for me to look into.. I have known for some time now that I am codependent or at least have codependent qualities. I have tried to work thru some of that with my sponsor.

You are sooooo right about not needing the second job when not spending money on dope! My bf told me that when he gets home and gets back to work, he doesn't really want me to be working that second job anyway... so thats a plus.

Man I just want to be clean and have my life back so fucking bad. And I want a clean partner to share it with.
 
deltakappamu said:
my dude just called and was wondering where Ive been.

I just told him I had no money thinking he would leave me alone.

He told me that he knows I gotta be sick as fuck, and says "you know i'll help you out till you get paid, right?"


ughhghhhghghghghghghghghhg

I don't want to get high but I do want to all at the same time

I know all about using drugs against my own will and I am laying here thinking of all the scenarios. How can my mind be so sick to want to delay my progress and get high.

I really don't want to, so why am I thinking about doing it?
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((((Delta)))) you ok???? People like this make me mad knowing you're addicted, will be sick n will be craving. I haven't read all this yet sorry but I'm here if you need to talk ok
Eveyxxxx
 
^^

That's what dealers do. They loose a customer when you get clean, so it's worth it to them to give you some free shit, and get you back on the horse spending all your money with them again.

Fucked up but that's how the game is played.
 
I understand that but it still makes me mad when I see all those addicts struggling. I feel bad for them xxxx

Edit: this was a bit judgement of me, sorry. I won't delete it cause I think it's important to know n admit when we're wrong xxxx
 
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Hey guys.. I am finally starting to feel ok I think.

I used a vacation day at work today and tomm.

Woke up this morning feeling like absolute death. Forced myself to take a shower. I am cold and very shaky. Tremors are pretty bad.. but I am scripted 3 20mg adderall IR per day and I take them only sometimes. Well I have found that when detoxing from opiates, I have NO energy what so every(yet can't sleep all at once,) so for some reason when I take some addy, I feel slightly better. I took 20.5 mg of addy this morning and it actually took the yanks off a bit... plus I took a very small dose of k-pin, about 1.5mg. Finally I feel halfway human again. I am able to get up and type on my laptop. I am able to walk to the bathroom without collapsing and being out of breath. Next goal is to walk to kitchen for bottle of water and maybe some fruit, or a salad.

I know I have bullshitted around about getting clean this time.. and have fucked up a few times ever since I posted initially asking for help, but I think I am thru the worst. I don't want to speak too soon though.

I want to thank all of you guys for taking me in and supporting me. I am so new here and already feel like family. I have already made a few close friends and I can tell the love is genuine. And an extra special thank you to CaseFace for texting me or messaging me and checking up on me daily. You are a good friend, bro. Thank you.

I will keep all of you guys posted. My man gets out of prison tomm at 8am.. so I gotta get my strength up, as we have a long weekend of traveling ahead of us.

I officially blocked all of my dope mans #'s on my iPhone, and so now I know that if I fuck up, it was because of a choice I made purely on my own free will... and I have to be ok with that. I know that I am free to do anything I want in this life, as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences.

Thanks again y'all. <3
 
So now my symptoms seem to be limited to a GIGANTIC headache, hot/cold sweats, and still feeling a little lethargic. The small dose of adderall I took prob wore off by now, since they are the instant release. Contemplating taking a bit more, as I have shit to do, but its already 4pm and I don't want to not sleep tonight. Maybe I could take a little more addy and then use the k-pins to sleep tonight.

I am sooooo ready to feel back to normal. I am so glad I am closer than I was yesterday.
 
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