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Friend-zoned and/or loss of interest?

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pharma-sutra

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2012
Messages
182
Hi there, I've posted a thread earlier, but was moved to ecstasy discussion and was closed because it was a re-post. Sorry about that. So here's my situation/problem...

Last Saturday, I was on MDMA and had an amazing time with this lady I met at an event. Long story short, one thing lead to another and I invited her back to my place. We cuddled, fondled, watched a movie, and even went to the bedroom and fell asleep together. However, I did not make "the move", instead we woke up to an awkward morning and she left probably feeling fairly insecure (as noted in the previous thread by littlepenguin). Before she left, I had asked for her number and Facebook. She was down to get together sometime and get a bite to eat. Later that Sunday afternoon, she accepted my fb request and personally "liked" various things on my profile.

When Monday was near, the post-roll blues had kicked in full-force and I was very down emotionally and was anxious as to whether I should call her or not. I realized that Tuesday was her birthday and I wanted to wait until it was her birthday to congratulate her and maybe ask her out. When Tuesday came, I tried contacting her over the phone, but her phone was off so I left a text saying that I just wanted to say "Happy Bday" and see how she was doing. I did not get a reply until later that night. She responded over text that she was super busy at work that day. So obviously, I tried to casually ask her about her day at work and insinuated she probably had birthday plans for the night. At the end of my text, I asked her out for coffee.

Now it's Wednesday night (approaching Thursday) and I still haven't heard back from her. And I just realized that she had a Facebook update yesterday after I had texted my last message to her. Her fb update was to thank all her friends for the birthday wishes and asked if anyone was willing to join her for a drinking session. I was appalled she neither mentioned nor invited me to drink with her. Or at least given me a decent response as to when she'd be free to hang out.

After talking out with a couple of friends, they all suggested me to move on. One of them told me, just for the laughs, text her that "maybe her headache she was experiencing at work the other day was probably because she wanted me to finish what I had started". He explained that there's absolutely nothing to lose and I've already gone this far, might as well let her know that my "balls have dropped" and that night while I was zonked out of my mind on MDMA wasn't the REAL me. I thought to myself...what the hell....why not. And so I sent her a very similar text, and turned of my phone. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to expect now...any advise? I really don't know how to explain this, but the past few days have driven me crazy over her. I just want her by my side again... :(
 
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pharma-sutra said:
I left a text saying that I just wanted to say "Happy Bday" and see how she was doing. I did not get a reply until later that night. She responded over text that she was super busy at work that day. So obviously, I tried to casually ask her about her day at work and insinuated she probably had birthday plans for the night. At the end of my text, I asked her out for coffee.
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dude. you randomly met this chick less than a week ago, spent a nice evening with her after meeting her out somewhere, and it just so happens to be her birthday. It was definitely a nice gesture for you to wish her a happy birthday and all, but really - put yourself in her shoes - don't you think it's likely that she had birthday plans already made with her close friends that she's uh...hung out with more than once?? I'm not being an asshole here, just trying to put things into perspective a bit. Personally, I'm usually rather occupied on my birthday...my parents are divorced, so one gets breakfast/lunch and one gets dinner. Later, I've usually got plans with friends. I don't like to ding around on my phone while hanging out with friends or especially with family (I think it's rather rude), so I usually don't get to reply to those who've wished me a happy birthday until the next day or so. That's just me though, I guess.

In reference to you "insinuating she has plans" and then "asked her out for coffee..."
let me take a wild guess here and say you said something along the lines of "Well, just wanted to wish you a happy b-day. I bet you've got plans already with friends tonight. Well maybe you'd like to go get some coffee sometime?"

For me - I can not stand that assumption shit, nor can I stand people who 'beat around the bush.'
If you were interested in seeing her that evening, you should have been bold, confident and straight-forward (but without being an asshole, of course.) I mean, like this: "I'd love to meet you tonight so I can buy you a drink for your birthday." I'd leave it open-ended like that, because that gives her the opportunity to either regretfully reject the offer like "Oh, pharma, I'd really enjoy that but I am completely occupied for the day/evening. Maybe you could buy me that drink on Saturday instead?" or it could give her the opportunity to squeeze you in somewhere like "well, I do have an hour between meeting my sister Sally for lunch and the meeting a few friends for dinner...we could meet then for a drink?" Any way you slice it, you were offering a nice gesture and she's flattered that you want to make an effort to see her on her birthday, so unless she's absolutely and completely uninterested in you or she's a bitch or both, there's essentially no possible way you could receive a negative response to your offer.

Kinda same with asking her to coffee. If I was you, I'd be more direct and specific. "I'd really enjoy seeing you again. How about coffee at [insert generic over-priced coffee shop here] noon on Saturday?" Again, even if she rejects the offer, if she's interested in the least, she would have tried to come up with an alternative time or date to meet for the coffee. When things are so vague like "maybe you'd like to meet for coffee sometime?" I mean, especially face to face, whenever anybody asks a question like that, it's like "Oh yeah sure, coffee yeah, we'll really have to get on that soon, yeah uh huh..." without one sliver of intent to actually make plans to meet for coffee. I think it's just one of those "socially nice" things that people say.
But when you insert a specific time and a date, it shows her a lot of things: 1 - you want to spend time with her. 2 - you've got your shit together and a schedule set for yourself enough to know what's up on Saturday at noon. 3 - you're confident.


pharma-sutra said:
Now it's Wednesday night (approaching Thursday) and I still haven't heard back from her. And I just realized that she had a Facebook update yesterday after I had texted my last message to her. Her fb update was to thank all her friends for the birthday wishes and asked if anyone was willing to join her for a drinking session. I was appalled she neither mentioned nor invited me to drink with her. Or at least given me a decent response as to when she'd be free to hang out.
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really, you're appalled?
again - please remind yourself that you've hung out with this person ONCE, for less than 24 hours, on one occasion. I mean really, you're kinda carrying on here as if you've been dating for months or something...in my opinion, she doesn't technically 'owe' you anything, and same goes to you.
...and the whole 'facebook stalking' thing (no dear, I am not calling you a stalker, I'm referring to the general act of people constantly on facebook, looking at their ex or someone they've just met, trying to find out what they are or aren't up to...and why? if you want to know so damn badly what somebody's up to, why dontcha just friggin ASK 'EM??!?!) this is the part where I'm starting to feel old here...when I was younger (oh, here we go...lol) we didn't have cell phones, very few people had the internet, and if they did, people weren't 'chatting' or 'inboxing' or whatever the hell it's called now, if you wanted to talk to somebody, you picked up your house phone and called em, and if they weren't home, you left a message on their "machine." sorry for the digression here, it just makes me laugh sometimes to wonder what the hell people would do nowadays without a smartphone and precious facebook....

moving on - although one could regard her lack of reply to your offerings as rude, as I said above - you don't 'owe' her anything, and nor she to you. Maybe she's busy. I mean, I do believe she likely had a life before last Saturday night that *gasp* didn't have you in it. or, maybe she's just not interested.

pharma-sutra said:
after talking out with a couple of friends, they all suggested me to move on. One of them told me, just for the laughs, text her that "maybe her headache she was experiencing at work the other day was probably because she wanted me to finish what I had started". He explained that there's absolutely nothing to lose and I've already gone this far, might as well let her know that my "balls have dropped" and that night while I was zonked out of my mind on MDMA wasn't the REAL me. I thought to myself...what the hell....why not. And so I sent her a very similar text, and turned of my phone. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to expect now...any advise? I really don't know how to explain this, but the past few days have driven me crazy over her. I just want her by my side again... :(
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wow. I really hope you didn't send her a text anywhere near what your friend suggested. Nor do I hope you sent a text saying "oh babe, that wasn't the real me!!" The only thing I think your friend was right about was that you have nothing to lose...cuz I'm gonna go ahead and guess that ya lost this one, chief.

btw - the reason the last few days have "driven you crazy over her" likely has nothing to do with her at all, actually. It's all in the cat & mouse game that boys and girls play with each other. Simply - you want what you can't have (or are having a hard time getting a hold of.) I bet that if she was bombarding you with texts and all over your nuts you'd be annoyed and likely to have lost most interest by this time, because then it would be too "easy," no challenge, no chase...no 'thrill of the hunt.' Who wants to go deer hunting for 2 weeks, freezing your balls off in a tree shack in the middle of northern nofuckwhere, wearing bright orange and sitting still as hell waiting to shoot a deer...when later you come down out of your tree to uh, relieve yourself, and you stumble upon a big old dead deer. You don't grab the dead deer by the horns and drag it home and say "look what I got!" faaaaack no. You either go home empty handed, or you stay up in that tree shack for two weeks like you planned and you wait for that deer to sneak around the tree, and you skilfully and proudly shoot it.

I may have lost you there with that crazy analogy...but perhaps you get my point overall.
My advice from here would be to leave the ball in her court. If by some chance she does reply to you, cool - go from there. But for now - don't send her any more messages or calls - she clearly has seen that you're interested, and if she's not, well...plenty of fish in the sea.

good luck!
 
@ littlepenguin

Haha I really enjoyed reading that. And your advice is definitely the most sound and sincere. :)

I would've gone to you before trying any of my buddies if I had known.. SMH... I've already inboxed you, but here's another question. What if I already sent her that message along those lines (except I didn't say "that wasn't the REAL me" thing)?

Will this be able to remedy it?
"Hehe I'm just playing. I know you're busy. Anyways, I'd really enjoy seeing you again. I'm free after 5 on Friday if you'd like to get together."
 
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^ Why don't you say something more geared to her birthday.. like, Let me know when you're free so I can take you out for a birthday lunch.

Also, you should check out the ecstasy forum.. for "ecstasy love".. It's usually different (high vs sober). Maybe you should do movies first.
 
the thing is that when you are high on mdma it can create this intense false bond of fake love feelings.

this can lead to intense attachment but you have to see it for what it is.

dont get hung up on her. there is nothing more attractive than someone being all like "why didn't you invite me, blah blah blah" (i acctually heard this from someone once and even though i was just friends with them it sounded really needy and self absorbed).

be friendly but look for other options
 
pofacedhoe said:
the thing is that when you are high on mdma it can create this intense false bond of fake love feelings.

this can lead to intense attachment but you have to see it for what it is.

dont get hung up on her. there is nothing more attractive than someone being all like "why didn't you invite me, blah blah blah" (i acctually heard this from someone once and even though i was just friends with them it sounded really needy and self absorbed).

be friendly but look for other options
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yeah, I've decided to move on after that last "closure" text message. And you're definitely spot-on about the false sense of bond and love while high on mdma. at the time it felt so surreal that i wasn't ready to let go the following days. however, people should really cherish the therapeutic value of mdma. instead of downing a heavy dose and combining it with other strong serotonin and dopamine releasing drugs at a party/club/rave/festival setting, i'd rather recommend it for something that can bring couples closer together.
 
See where it goes... don't put too much pressure on her. Yeah, that text message was a bad move but hopefully she won't take it too personally. Just try and hang out with her but remember, it was her birthday, she has a lot going on in her life besides you (work, friends, family, etc.) so you're NOT going to be very high priority right now! That's okay. Just go with that for now.
 
justinsayno said:
Sitting in silence always seems an odd choice of 1st date..
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It's not silent cuz you're watching a movie. + It's easier to get the girl to accept. + If you're scared you might run out of things to talk about--well, you don't have to worry because after the movie, you obviously have a big topic. :)
 
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