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Septsober - The September gettn and stayn sober thread

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I seriously feel like a bipolar person. I've been kind of depressed the last two days, not sure how to get back to where I was :/
PAWS I guess? idk. I don't know why I'm suddenly having cravings all the time either, I went from not thinking about it ever to thinking about it constantly... hate this.
 
^ Good days and bad days. What are you eating, drinking, doing differently then you were back a few days ago when you felt good? We're just not familiar with the experience of having a natural bad day, which I'd still take over a synthetic existence any day of the week.
 
Nothing really... if anything I've just started making healthier decisions. Not as much alcohol when I go out and such. Still exercising and trying to eat healthy and everything. It's more that some stuff has happened and kind of brought me back to reality, and it's making me lose focus on what's important. I think I just care about people too much, life seems like it was easier when I was a heartless junkie sometimes :/ I forgot how capable people are of hurting you.
 
I know what you mean about feeling bipolar, actually I am bipolar. Constant cycling, up and down. After I got off opiates I self-medicated with alcohol which made it so much worse. Of course life seems easier when you're under the influence. My son even told me I was a lot more fun to be around when I was stoned. I heard another great quote on the radio yesterday from Thomas Edison:

"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves." :)
 
Edison keeps coming up. Love it. The universe gives you all the wisdom you need, we just have to show up for the lessons. Another amazing post by Neversickanymore. I had a moment on sat. I was going to sarasota to go chill with my friends on the beach. It's a huge trigger for me because that's where I lived when I relapsed. My connection is down there. I had no intention of doing anything until 1/2 way thru my drive down there. I fucked up. I bought 10 lortab.... I don't have anything else to say. I'm filled with negative feelings. They are all gone (of course). I don't want more. I'm disgusted. I'm scared this is the beginning of the end. What the fuck? Why the fuck? Uhhhggggg. I know I need to just pick myself back up. I'm still here. Its just a slip not a fall, right?
 
luckygirl79 said:
Edison keeps coming up. Love it. The universe gives you all the wisdom you need, we just have to show up for the lessons. Another amazing post by Neversickanymore. I had a moment on sat. I was going to sarasota to go chill with my friends on the beach. It's a huge trigger for me because that's where I lived when I relapsed. My connection is down there. I had no intention of doing anything until 1/2 way thru my drive down there. I fucked up. I bought 10 lortab.... I don't have anything else to say. I'm filled with negative feelings. They are all gone (of course). I don't want more. I'm disgusted. I'm scared this is the beginning of the end. What the fuck? Why the fuck? Uhhhggggg. I know I need to just pick myself back up. I'm still here. Its just a slip not a fall, right?
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Sounds to me like you already know the answer, lol. It helps to forgive yourself and actually mean it, maybe say it aloud. Don't be hard on yourself, you're an addict and you're doing the best you can do. It usually takes a relapse to convince your addict side that the answer to life doesn't lay in the form of a drug. You got all the right feelings of guilt, shame, disgust etc. That's good, just let it go and keep it in the back of your mind for the next time you are tempted. Play that whole tape past the 'I'm high' part and relive those feelings you're having now. And if AA taught me nothing else it's PEOPLE PLACES THINGS lol, stay away!
 
Yeah. I've been thinking about quitting everything entirely lately. I used to think it wasn't a big deal, but now I wonder sometimes if I'm actually doing myself any favors, at least for a while... it kind of seems like it's exacerbating PAWS. I should probably at least wait until I feel a lot better both physically and mentally... I forget sometimes where I just came from, and I need to not do that because what I went through puts things in a much better perspective when I actually look at it realistically. One is not meant to beat a physical dependence to IV heroin and then give up right after... fuck that shit.

I need to get back on my grind lol
 
19th Day of sticking to my benzo taper.

However I had a few drinks yesterday. The rebound anxiety really got me. I couldn't fall asleep last night until late and then woke up late with anxiety. Never again will I do that. Definitely not worth the extreme mood shift I experienced.

In a week I have to see my psychiatrist and my dose will be lowered. I feel as thought I had a lot of speed in the beginning and now it's coming to a halt. I'm worried.

Keep it going guys <3
 
Well 40 Days clean down the drain :(. I took a shot of dope and OD'ed just like that. It happened so fucking quick. I feel like shit mentally but all I can do is pick my self up off the ground and use this as a learning experience. I got an IOP meeting today and NA after that so i'm trying to get right back on the recovery train no matter how hard it's going to be.
 
<3 You learned a lesson and that's that it isn't worth it. We learn these lessons over and over and eventually one day they stick. Believe that you really learned the lesson this time, escape <3
 
Thanks Just A Guy <3 that really brightened my day :)! I find beauty and hope in everyones posts and support on here. Those ailed with addiction and mental illness are generally the most gentle and kind-hearted people I've found. I love everyone in this thread for that. <3
 
I've found it's best not to beat yourself up over your mistakes including relapse, escape20. That just leads to negative vibes all around. Examine it long enough to figure out where you went wrong, fix the problem, then move on. And be patient with yourself... and with life... one thing I'm having to learn lately is that it takes time to see real results... but it's also important to acknowledge small accomplishments along the way :)

Anyway I'm feeling better now. The more time I have away from heroin, and admittedly, molly (yeah I've been doing too much of that lately... I'm taking a break... it's just hard to say no when you practically eat, sleep, and breathe EDM, cuz one of your friends ALWAYS has it and I think fucking with my serotonin levels that much was part of the problem :/... so no more for a few months at least)... and I don't drink much anyway, but lately I've pretty much stopped drinking entirely when I go out... the easier it is to get back on my grind and back to the ever-optimisitc mindset I had before. I think I'm starting to change my perspective on the whole "oh just stay away from heroin and everything will be okay!" thing. It's too easy to start abusing ANY hard drug once you start, especially in the middle of PAWS. Fuck that.

But now that I'm focusing on myself and my music again a lot more, I'm starting to feel A LOT better. I was starting to depend too much on external sources for happiness before... mainly people... that was my problem. It's hard when you have love for everyone, makes you too vulnerable. It's easy for me to forget that not EVERYONE thinks the way I do... and then I put too many expectations on them and end up being disappointed and it's just all bad. I just have to start loving people from a distance and let people do their own thing and not try to make people be what I want them to be. You can't force everyone to get along and be all PLUR all the time and shit, it's just not realistic. I guess the best you can do is be the best person you can be and hope it catches on <3
 
stardust.hero said:
<3 You learned a lesson and that's that it isn't worth it. We learn these lessons over and over and eventually one day they stick. Believe that you really learned the lesson this time, escape <3
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Aww thank you for that really made me feel better about myself. <3 I'm glad someone cares enough to respond (xburtonchic thanks for your advice also!). It's been really tough these last few days trying not to feel like a complete fuck up. I do feel better talking about this with fellow BL'ers and people at the meetings though. Really scary to come that close to death.
 
^<3<3<3<3<3 so glad you had another houdini in your pocket.. If the house of cards has already fallen than let it land on foil and not gear;).. you have done an amazing job and this doesn't take any of that away, keep you chin up, cause you have no reason to hang your head<3



glad everyones still in the circle=D
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Good night everyone and another 24 down=D​
 
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Hi everyone :) Its amazing how a few years ago I used to be so lonely, hoping someone would call me to go out and get drunk and high, grasping at good times. Now my life is so full that I have to schedule time out, just to recharge. Anyways, I've been busy and sober as fuck. Loving the fall and loving life.

<3peace, love and light<3
 
21 days sober from xanax and heroin today...

starting to feel a lot better... other than the fact that i have broken ribs and an ear infection with no pain meds

im just happy to feel again some
 
escape20 said:
Aww thank you for that really made me feel better about myself. <3 I'm glad someone cares enough to respond (xburtonchic thanks for your advice also!). It's been really tough these last few days trying not to feel like a complete fuck up. I do feel better talking about this with fellow BL'ers and people at the meetings though. Really scary to come that close to death.
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I realized after I responded that I didn't comment on your near death experience. I am so happy you made it through okay. <3 This is a wonderful thread I've found. There is always someone there to respond to you. I've noticed a post doesn't go un-responded..even if people are busy someone makes it a point to respond and give support. :) It's a lovely place. I'm glad you choose to bring us into your world. As one we can allow our mind to wander/feeling alone and become weak but as many we are strong and can defeat our minds addictive thoughts. I think reaching out for support or even giving it helps even in the most minuscule amount at helping us stay/get clean.

mehm wonderful news love <3 So happy to hear that report from you!

Estimated 21 days, one day ahead of me. Man you're souldering through all that while maintaining sobriety! MAJOR kudos! <3 Love hearing from people who are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and are beginning to feel better. :)

On a note for me today is my 20th day!

=D

EDIT:

I know we have a few people asking and wondering so I thought I'd let everyone know the news. I received a PM from Caseface letting me know how he's doing. He's busy with his sober house and hasn't had a lot of time to check in. Don't fret though he's got 4 months (tomorrow) under his belt so lets celebrate that for him! =D!!!!! Go Case!
 
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