you cant be happy when your dead
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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)
- Thread starter tripnotyzm
- Start date
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you cant be happy when your dead
how do you know?
i just assume if your brain is dead you cant experience things...
i don't believe in the soul though (like the ghost in the machine concept)
don't mean any disrespect
I have no idea what happens after death. i dont assume pain or pleasure
happiness and sadness are relative. if you only know sadness, would nothing not be better or happier?
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
*sigh* Isn't it?I'm in the same boat myself.
"Mindfulness!" I tell myself. It's a wonderful tool, but it does not always work for me.
What's up, CH?
I have been working past certain traits of agoraphobia I hope to extinguish. I also have other things going on I wish not to post about publicly. Feel free to private message me.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
^sent.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I don't see why I forget everything that is even remotely important. Wtf.
Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
This post contains triggering content mostly about withdrawal and stopping it
Just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing okay or maybe even good now. Obtaining the clonazepam has stopped my benzo withdrawal. Now I am in the process of slowly tapering down. I sometimes want to take more than I have to but have resisted the urge to do that so far. If it wasn't life threatening and possibly brain damaging to quit cold turkey, I might have tried to do that but quitting benzos cold turkey can cause permanent damage or death and my withdrawal symptoms seemed very severe. I don't know if it is usually as bad as it was for me.
I am going to write a benzo WD trip report with a list of symptoms I experienced in withdrawal and things I did to reduce the severity. Maybe this would help others who end up going through it. Nobody should quit cold turkey if they have a significant tolerance as it is too dangerous and potentially brain damaging.
I had posted about a suicide plan here and I am no longer thinking about doing that. I don't want to die. Maybe thinking I was dying or about to die during that withdrawal changed how I felt. Maybe it was something else.
I have also probably found a way to stop the sleep apnea without getting treatment. I have fixed it so it is hard for me to turn over on my back as I normally do while I am sleeping. Before doing this, I would turn over on my back in my sleep every time I went to sleep. I haven't been doing that the last few nights. It seems that I only experience the apnea episodes while on my back. My mom says I have been sleeping and breathing normally since I started that.
Sleep apnea can cause depression or make it worse. It is not the cause of my depression but has probably been making it worse. My mom had said that my sleep apnea had been getting worse. I am hoping that my depression will not be as bad now that I have found a way to stop the apnea. I have had more energy the last couple of days, maybe from the way I have been sleeping.
Now I am tapering down very slowly on my benzo use and hope to be completely off of them in about 6 months. That is not to say I won't use them sometimes after that, but it will be with much lower frequency so I don't become dependent again
I guess that is all I wanted to say here so I could let others know that the problems I posted about recently have been resolved and I am okay.
Just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing okay or maybe even good now. Obtaining the clonazepam has stopped my benzo withdrawal. Now I am in the process of slowly tapering down. I sometimes want to take more than I have to but have resisted the urge to do that so far. If it wasn't life threatening and possibly brain damaging to quit cold turkey, I might have tried to do that but quitting benzos cold turkey can cause permanent damage or death and my withdrawal symptoms seemed very severe. I don't know if it is usually as bad as it was for me.
I am going to write a benzo WD trip report with a list of symptoms I experienced in withdrawal and things I did to reduce the severity. Maybe this would help others who end up going through it. Nobody should quit cold turkey if they have a significant tolerance as it is too dangerous and potentially brain damaging.
I had posted about a suicide plan here and I am no longer thinking about doing that. I don't want to die. Maybe thinking I was dying or about to die during that withdrawal changed how I felt. Maybe it was something else.
I have also probably found a way to stop the sleep apnea without getting treatment. I have fixed it so it is hard for me to turn over on my back as I normally do while I am sleeping. Before doing this, I would turn over on my back in my sleep every time I went to sleep. I haven't been doing that the last few nights. It seems that I only experience the apnea episodes while on my back. My mom says I have been sleeping and breathing normally since I started that.
Sleep apnea can cause depression or make it worse. It is not the cause of my depression but has probably been making it worse. My mom had said that my sleep apnea had been getting worse. I am hoping that my depression will not be as bad now that I have found a way to stop the apnea. I have had more energy the last couple of days, maybe from the way I have been sleeping.
Now I am tapering down very slowly on my benzo use and hope to be completely off of them in about 6 months. That is not to say I won't use them sometimes after that, but it will be with much lower frequency so I don't become dependent again
I guess that is all I wanted to say here so I could let others know that the problems I posted about recently have been resolved and I am okay.
TRIGGERING CONTENT IN THIS POST
I did a half gram of good washed? (the guy said he purified it with acetone or something...) Cocaine last night (was able to sleep after) and just now finished another half gram. (first time doing coke in several YEARS)
I don't know whether I should feel bad about this or not, I'm kinda on the fence....here's why....
I promised myself to stick to just a half gram a night, and I kept my promise. I could have very easily turned doing a little coke into a binge. (ie: more was very readily available and dealer offered to front me.) So I am proud that I stuck to my plan/budget.
On the other hand now I might lose one of my Methadone carries if I UA dirty...(my test is on Thurs), and I told my Mother and my boss I didn't do any drugs anymore. I feel bad for lying to them, even though this was just a once in a blue moon type thing. (I'm not going to do coke for at least a year, possibly in Costa Rica )
Are these guilty feelings valid? Or am I just over-thinking cause I'm coked up...lol
Any input/thoughts would be very much appreciated.
DrS
I did a half gram of good washed? (the guy said he purified it with acetone or something...) Cocaine last night (was able to sleep after) and just now finished another half gram. (first time doing coke in several YEARS)
I don't know whether I should feel bad about this or not, I'm kinda on the fence....here's why....
I promised myself to stick to just a half gram a night, and I kept my promise. I could have very easily turned doing a little coke into a binge. (ie: more was very readily available and dealer offered to front me.) So I am proud that I stuck to my plan/budget.
On the other hand now I might lose one of my Methadone carries if I UA dirty...(my test is on Thurs), and I told my Mother and my boss I didn't do any drugs anymore. I feel bad for lying to them, even though this was just a once in a blue moon type thing.
(I'm not going to do coke for at least a year, possibly in Costa Rica ) Are these guilty feelings valid? Or am I just over-thinking cause I'm coked up...lol
Any input/thoughts would be very much appreciated.
DrS
Last edited:
ad lib
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2013
- Messages
- 4,317
Your feelings are certainly valid, drscience. They are your feelings and you have every right to feel the way you do. If i was in your situation, I would feel guilty too. Guilt is not always a bad thing because it shows that you have a conscience and that you care. The only way to go now is forward, which by the sounds of it you know that is what has to happen. There is no going back in time to not do the cocaine. The fact that you are under the influence of cocaine may certainly be amplifying your feelings, but again, like I said- your feelings are yours and you do not have to change them.
At this point there is nothing you can really do except allow the drug its time to get out of your body and then learn from this experience for the future.
At this point there is nothing you can really do except allow the drug its time to get out of your body and then learn from this experience for the future.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
Had to concede to an 'amicable breakup' yesterday, and even though I know it's for the best... The shit still fucking hurts. So. Badly. Fuck.
^
motherofearth
Bluelighter
Sorry Vaya.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
Thanks. I do appreciate that. Both of you... I hope I can learn something from all of this, as I've been lead to believe every receptive person ought to. But, yikes. We want to remain in each others' lives - or so we said to one another on the phone.
Think there's any real chance of that? It's so hard to tell some times!
Think there's any real chance of that? It's so hard to tell some times!
spork
Bluelight Crew
So sorry, Jamie. Breakups are tough no matter the circumstances
I think it is possible to remain friends after. It might be best to let each other have space at first, but with the right amount of time and healing an ex can be a very good friend to have. I hope you can remain friends in the long run.
I think it is possible to remain friends after. It might be best to let each other have space at first, but with the right amount of time and healing an ex can be a very good friend to have. I hope you can remain friends in the long run.
there is always a chance.. but i havn't stayed in to good of touch with anyone i have fallen out of love with..
fukn five twelve hour shifts in a row followed by an eight on saturday.. fkn might as well call this shit slavery.
fukn five twelve hour shifts in a row followed by an eight on saturday.. fkn might as well call this shit slavery.
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
^I can definitely relate to this. -_-
stardust.hero
Bluelight Crew
I'm really considering quitting my job.. It's taking a toll of me terribly. My General Manager began sexually harassing me, he put pornos in my locker and I came forward after my boyfriend made me. I had to write an incident report and an investigation was supposed to ensue. The District Manager assured me if at anytime I felt like I wanted to move to another store that I could. I requested to be transferred to a store in close proximity but he only gave me the option to move to a store 20 miles farther than the store I'm currently at.
Today one of my coworkers told another coworker (who is friends of mine) that I place my breasts on customers to make sales. I get that close to a person already bugged out that I'm a sales shark trying to steal $3000 for a refrigerator from them is not going to be extra bugged out that I'm that close as to place my breasts? on them? Most of my customer base are families.. coming in to buy kitchen appliances. I don't understand what kind of warped world these people live in.
U.G.H!
Someone tell me I need to quit. My parents told me I need to quit. My boyfriend told me I need to quit. I've never been a quitter (at least when it comes to jobs ;-\). Is this law suit worthy? Should I take these people to court?
Today one of my coworkers told another coworker (who is friends of mine) that I place my breasts on customers to make sales. I get that close to a person already bugged out that I'm a sales shark trying to steal $3000 for a refrigerator from them is not going to be extra bugged out that I'm that close as to place my breasts? on them? Most of my customer base are families.. coming in to buy kitchen appliances. I don't understand what kind of warped world these people live in.
U.G.H!
Someone tell me I need to quit. My parents told me I need to quit. My boyfriend told me I need to quit. I've never been a quitter (at least when it comes to jobs ;-\). Is this law suit worthy? Should I take these people to court?
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
Oh that's so shit star You definitely need to get out of that store. Unfortunately workplace rumors aren't enough to sue over and you've already filed the sexual harassment report.
Other than distance, is there any reason you don't want to move to the other store?
You definitely need to get out of that store. Unfortunately workplace rumors aren't enough to sue over and you've already filed the sexual harassment report. Other than distance, is there any reason you don't want to move to the other store?
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